whatcomesnxt

How to rebuild the trust in my marriage after years of lies and broken promises. I have been sober almost 5 months now. Yesterday my husband had a set back when he accused me of being "high". I wasn't, I had just taken benedryl for the last 4 nights before bed for allergies. And now he hasn't spoken to me in 2 days. I've never seen him this mad! Normally he's mad for a few hours, but he's never stayed mad. And last night I fell asleep with what felt like a knife in my heart because he went to bed angry (a sober first for me). How can I fix this? What can I say or do? Have I used up all my chances?

suki44883

Trust can't just be given, it must be earned. It takes time and has to come naturally from within. There is no guarantee that trust will ever be fully restored, but if you keep doing the next right thing, there's a chance your husband will again feel he can trust you.

BTW - there are several natural sleep aids available. Benedryl isn't really meant to be a sleeping pill.

Latte

You know, my husband gets mad at me sometimes for stuff not related at all to my sobriety/using (I've been clean and sober for a few 24hours). Sobriety did not suddenly bring me a husband who never gets angry or annoyed.

I realize he was/is angry about his perception of your use of substances, but your sobriety won't fix everything.

It is so hard to just let the people I love be angry. I am so co dependent, I don't want anyone to be angry or most of all, angry at me. It happens though, we're all human.

departure

I certainly can't say if it's trust (and how long it takes to earn it again) or if it's the medicine you took.

Try a different allergy medicine - there are so many out there that do not affect you like Benadryl does. I think I read somewhere that some people have to swear off Benadryl too, but I don't really know much about it since alcohol is my problem.

I take Zyrtec now. I don't use Sudafed or Benadryl because it makes me feel fuzzy and tired. Perhaps your husband doesn't believe you because the Benadryl affected you in a way that may have mirrored how you acted when you were "high" and you didn't notice. I don't know.

Please look around the boards and ask questions. Maybe someone here can help you.

Dean62

I don't expect anyone in my family to ever trust me staying sober for the rest of my life. If they do that is great but if they don't I can understand why they wouldn't. The important thing is that I don't let there lack of trust, anger or frustration take away my sobriety.

I focus on my side of the street and the peace and calm that is growing inside of me despite the storm that is often everyone else around me. Life on life's terms is allowing other people to be who they are and not try and control or have expectations on how they should be acting as we go through the healing process of recovery.

I take Claritin for my allergies and the only side effects for me is I don't have a runny nose or sneezing and I can breath through my nose.

DBS

A couple of things:

• It might not be the fact that you took Benadryl; it might be about how much Benadryl you took.
• There are various alcohol and/or drugs in various over the counter things, e.g. Benadryl, Nyquil (Denis Leary did a bit on this) and mouthwash - you might need to investigate some non-narcotic options (e.g. use a Neti Pot instead of a pill...won't be as effective, but you might get some relief).
• You probably were affected by the Benadryl, despite the fact that you took a legitimate OTC medication for legitimate, on-label use. Problem is, his perception is that you just got stoned again and he probably thinks you're using the allergies as an excuse. Mind you, I'm not saying that's what you did; I'm saying that's what he might be thinking. In cases like this, perception is reality.

Good luck in sorting this out.

whatcomesnxt

I think you hit the nail on the head DBS! I dont expect him to trust me or even forget all the shity things I've done. I guess if I have to be honest with myself, it's that it hurt to see the dissapointment yet again in his eyes. And this time I might have been somewhat affected by the Benedryl, but I was sober enough to see the hurt, anger and dissapointment in his eyes. I immediately felt like I had screwed up and betrayed his trust yet again (I could see and feel the dark cloud flowing over me...again). However, I think we're moving in the right direction for now, he finally spoke to me when he offered to make dinner. It was like music to my ears!

StPeteGrad

I'm with you WCN,

My wife spent years dealing with my financial lies, responsibility failures, infidelity talking to girls on the phone or email - even when it was "just" on the phone. Pretty much text book screw ups for a hardcore alcoholic. I'm described well in the chapter "To the Wives."

I'm just a day shy of 2 months and the pride of me from her has warn off as she is uncovering more of the mess I made. I took a vacation day from work to take care of some things and she was just miserable and livid all day. I can't change the past, only try to own up to it. Sometimes it feels like we may never get past it since she has a complete aversion to Alanon. I don't know what the future holds for us either.

I went to two AA meetings today and talked with my sponsor one-on-one for a while on this very topic, which in-turn made me a half hour late coming home and fueled the fire. She looked up the numbers on my phone and found an out of state number that I didn't have programmed in and was sure I was talking to another girl - even though it was middle of the day while I was at work and I use my cell phone at work constantly. I know what company it was and told her to dial it to put her mind at ease - no way! She'd rather be angry about something she thinks happened than to find out what happened.

I was a real sh-head for a lot of years in our 10 year marriage. The only thing that's different now in her eyes is that I'm not drinking. I don't know if the marriage can be salvaged or not. I can't constantly forgive myself when I'm constantly reminded of what I did - even though I did it with a very sick mind. I'm probably not being fair to her. I really have left quite a mess...I only wish she could get emotion out at least SOME problem and try to work through it rationally.

Not trying to hijack the thread - earning trust is what I wanted to post about tonight anyway so I can hopefully bandwagon with you .

Thanks,
SPG.