Ghostly

I normally don’t post in this forum. I need some advice with my sister, and thought those of you here could give an honest opinion. This is somewhat long, and I really appreciate input.

If you could bare with me…I would like to give some background. Most of you can identify with a lot of this. I’m gounna summarize best I can. My sister is 40 years old, I’m a few years younger. For many years she has dealt with addiction issues. I’ll say about the last 5 years it’s been crack and alcohol. She’s lost all her money and racked up huge debt. She probably also suffers from depression. She admits she has a problem, and is somewhat willing to accept help. However she will frequently not follow through with things. After her last suicide attempt she has been seeing a counselor. They have her on meds which aren’t working. For a while she was doing a lot better, and I believe she hadn’t done crack for about two years, though she said she has smoked it recently again.

She lived a ways away till about 3 years ago. Then she moved back to the area. She does not work, so she lives with people she can live with for free. She has always had a place to live, and has not asked to live with family yet.

About 2 years ago she moved in with a guy that has 3 kids. I don’t understand what their relationship is. She says she hates it there. Says she is miserable. She calls relatives at night (drunk / high / both) saying she hates him. When she’s sober she still says she hates it there, but that it’s bearable. This goes on and on. I have talked to him several times and he seems like a decent guy. I have no doubt he is enabling her with the alcohol. However, did not think he would allow crack in his home. Now I don’t know. She said he had bought her crack, when she was sober denied he would do this. He has really helped her out financially. I think he wanted a relationship, but now he wants her out because of her behavior. She says she wants to leave. She says that things would be better if she had a place to go.

Here is my first issue. I have thought about it, but I cannot let her stay with me. We have a new baby at home, and there is no way I can allow this. My parents would let her stay for a short while, but want her to work. I am nervous about this. Don’t want her to put them in danger either. I came up with the plan we could find her a place to stay for several weeks / months. Zero tolerance policy, and she would need to keep seeking help for depression and addiction problems. She would also need to find a job. Also worried, when is it time for her to move on? What would we do at the end of the weeks / months? Would this help her, or enable her? At the same time, how can we ignore this request?

She also says she needs a car. If she had a car, she could get a job, then move into a place. She has had cars before (last 5 years) and still did not work. However, not since she has gotten somewhat better. She also has lived at places where she could have walked to a job. She repeats wanting a car over and over, and blames it for all her problems.

I do not know if I can help her get better. I have let he know so many times I will do whatever I can to help her, but cannot keep going through this. I just want to know I have done what I can, and do not want to have regrets later. So here are my questions:

- Am I right for not wanting her to move in?

- Should we (family) try to pursue the option of finding her a place to stay for a few weeks?

- The car issue. This is the one I am most considering. I talked to my parents, and we are considering getting her a car. For this please accept that she has a valid license, the car will be in her name so there is not a liability issue for us, we will get her 6 months insurance, and we would get something we could afford. I do not think this will cure her. This would be to wipe away her last excuse. I would let her know, if the car disappears (she sells it for drugs) too bad. If she crashes the car, too bad. Of course for either of these scenarios she would come up with lies, but we will not accept them. This is it. You wanted a car so you could do what you needed to get better, and we got you one.

Please let me know what you think. Again, I am not naïve enough to believe this will fix things. However I am hopeful, and want to give this a shot.

Thanks!

laurie6781

Yes, that is your boundary, stick to it, the last thing you want living in your home is a practicing A.

Nope, that is ENABLING. She got herself into this, whatever this is at the moment, and it is consequences of her actions.

Nope. Again, ENABLING. One more thing to keep her from her own 'personal bottom.'

The harder it gets for her, the possibility will become greater for her to want rehab. Again if that happens, give her the number of the Salvation Army (they have a great rehab program that is FREE).

The best thing my family ever did for me was say NO MORE. They would hang up if I called, shut the door in my face if I came to the door, and would have called the cops if I stole from them. They said it was my problem and up to me to fix it. It took me 2 1/2 more years to find recovery from alcoholism and the last year and half were was living on the streets of Hollywood. I was 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday when I found recovery.

That was almost 30 years ago now. At 3 years sober, my AA sponsor strongly advised that I start with AlAnon, I did and have been a member in good standing for almost 27 years now.

I would suggest the best thing that you and your family can do for your sister is attend AlAnon, learn how to set your boundaries.

You all might also want to get your own personal copies of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It is a really great book and is available at Amazon for a nominal cost.

Please continue to post here and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

StarCat

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

You can set down all the rules you want, the odds she'll follow them are slim to none, and if she does follow them, odds are she'll resent them.
I can also say from experience, the more I helped my XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend), the more he expected of me, and the more he yelled when I tried to remove that enabling support.
You're better off if you don't even start.

It's hard, but the best gift you can give to an alcoholic sometimes is the gift of experiencing the consequences of their own actions.
She's an adult now, and even though she doesn't act like she's an adult, the best thing you can do for her is treat her like one. She needs to be responsible for herself, and you can't do that for her.

japabp2000

I totally agree with Laurie and StarCat. Let her find her own place to stay and her own vehicle. She can find the crack and the alcohol..so she can also find a place and a car if she really wants to (someone else reminded me of this on one of my posts about my AH..not the same exact sentence, but similar and so very true!). I know that when we love someone we want to help them, but by helping an Alcoholic/Addict, we are only keeping them from being what they should be, and that's not only clean and sober, but independent and responsible for their own actions. Best of luck sweetie! We are all here for you!

Thumper

Am I right for not wanting her to move in?

Yes!! That is a very good boundary.


Should we (family) try to pursue the option of finding her a place to stay for a few weeks?

She is a grown woman and is certainly capable of finding her own place to stay. Her choosing not to do it does not make it your responsiblity.

This would be to wipe away her last excuse.

There is ALWAYS another excuse. I've chased that rabbit down the hole many times.

Again, she is a grown woman. She can get a job, get an apartment, and get a car all on her own. She is choosing not to. She is choosing to drink - or at this point choosing to avoid recovery. There isn't anything you can do about that.

You can continue with your boundaries, and you can get out of her way. Alcoholics (like everyone else) walk their own path. They will run you over if you stand in their way and drag you along if you hold on tight. We can't save them.

The book mentioned previously is a good one and I also found al-anon helpful even though I only went to a few meetings. I found the stickies at the top really helped me as well.

Ghostly

Thanks for the responses! It really made me think, or really re-think, about these things. It also raised new questions for me. I think I will ask those in a new Thread so it doesn't get lose in my way too long OP. I did read some of the Stickys here, and will look into some of the other resources mentioned.