Cadence

Well, Crap. I haven't posted here over a year. I have read occassionally, but haven't really gotten involved. That is sort of the way my relationship with my AH has gone, too.

I posted in Jan 2010 that I was in the process of leaving my AH. I was in the process of plannign to leave by the summer at the latest. It didn't quite happen that way. I have my own business and had the worst year ever. I am still recovering from it. I am still owing money to both creditors and the government..

Anyways, I am obviously still with my AH. Still trying to work it out, or working towards getting away. I am not sure. It has been hard. We ahve a long history together. In about 3 weeks we will be celebrating 23 years together. Big F'in Wahoo.

I have to apolgize in advance. i ahve had afew drinks tonight. I rarely drink anymore. Anytime time I drink, we get into a fight. Hence the reason I am posting tonight. Sorry for the typos.

I am so sick of him feelign sorry for himself. Tonight, I called ******** on him. He feels he is stuck doing what he is doing (for work) because he has no choice and he needs to support the F'in family (his words). Nice. I told him that everyone has a choice. I made the choice long ago to get a university degree, so that I would have more options, among other things. But he downplays that. He has always accused me of getting a degree for myself. I always told him that I was getting a degree for us--I would make more money for us, plus I would be doing something that I love and that would also be for us. Living with someone who does not love what they do is not pleasant!

Anyways, after getting into a heated discussion/arguement tonight about my contribution (financial) to our family, I got angry. I only had 3 drinks and I resorted to thowing my drink at him, and then threw my empty glass into the sink (I missed and hit the window! eek!). Our 9 year old daughter was still awake and heard it all. In the end, he threatened to leave and I asked him it was a promise. He wavered and asked where I would disappear to. I told him that I wasn't goign anywhere, He was the one that said he was going. He wondered how I could afford it. I asked him if it mattered.

Basically, he is threatened by my success and happiness with my career. He feels he supported me fully though university and after, but that is a crock. I contributed to nearly half of all of our bills all through university and after. He wants to see the numbers. I have given him numbers before--We keep separate accounts--which in the long run for me is probably for the best, although not usual for couples.

I goaded him by saying that I pay half of our bills and I am on top of things, where as he is about 2 month behind (I think he owes the landlord about 2 months worth of rent and utilities) He doesn't believe that I pay almost the same as he does when I pay groceries, cable/internet/phone and all of our daughters school/daycare fees and lesson fees. He doesn't believe, even after I have showed him the bills. He tried to brush off what he wasn't doing by ridiculing my grocery shopping abilties among other things.

He feels underappreciated. He feels like a failure in not supporting his family--we don't own our own home. He hates what he is doing. His body hurt daily (he has a manual labour job). He doesn't have a passion, no dream. His health is starting to fail, although he feels he has a long while to live. He doesn't trust doctors, and refuses to go see one for some of his issues/symptoms (which are worrisome!). I tell him that I think he is selfish for not doign what he can to live a healthier, painfree life by visiting a doctor to see what they can do. He feels like he is blessed for living as long as he has already (he is 52).

He acknowledges that he is an alcoholic. Althought tonight when I was aksing him if he had any more rum, he didn't want me to see where he had it. He hates drinking. He hates being an alcoholic.

I am getting closer to leaving. As I had said previously (last years post), I am not in a position financially to leave yet. I am getting there. I think I actually make more than my AH does (in only about a 1/4 of the time, although my overhead is quite high), but I am still in debt and trying to get out of it before leaving.

I am closer to leaving tonight than I have ever been. I can't believe I resorted to throwing things! He cut our arguemnet short saying that he didn't want our daughter to hear more. He cut me down for my drinking! Wow. It told him that he knows I don't drink much and that I don't like drinking with him, that I feel like I am being brought down to his level (he didn't like that!),and that this would be the last time I ever drink with him.

I am not sure what I want from posting this, other that to just getting it out.
I love my AH so incredibly much, but it really hurts me, and our daughter, to have him they way he is right now and has been for quite a while. I don't want to live this way anymore.

I will be done my current studies (that I paid for on my own, despite my debt) in 2 months, and that will open more higher paying career opportunities for me. I have another possiblity opportunity next week (if I am the chosen one) to open more doors to bigger and better career options.

I am tired. It is late, and I don;t feel like writing more. Thanks for reading this far.

StarCat

You're not alone.

XABF made twice as much as I did, and never managed to save anything because he had to spend everything as soon as he got it. I spent so much money bailing him out so that he could pay his stuff on time, while still paying the rent and all associated bills for my own apartment, and paying off my college loans all by myself while I was still in school by cutting corners elsewhere.

And he used these same arguments on me, that I wasn't supporting him, that he was doing everything financially, that I didn't appreciate everything he did for me.

I had my loan paid off, one credit card with high credit limit and $0 balance, and about $5k in the bank already. Now that he's gone I'm paying off $30k in debt spread across three maxed out credit cards.
And I don't appreciate all he did for me, according to him.

The details are different, but the excuses are the same.