resentful
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 18
resentful
I posted a few days ago regarding my common law spouse of 8 years relapsing on cocaine again.
I've read the sticky notes on abused women (since he is violent and blacks out after abusing drugs and alcohol) and other notes about substance abuse. I also read a lot of the threads from this page. I'm reading the codependence book. And we are starting couples counselling with a substance abuse therapist in two weeks. I've joining a nar-anon group... etc etc etc.
However... as all of this energy is going to figure out this situation and to prevent another relapse. And to understand myself better. I'm feeling resentful... and tired.
I am in my 30s, have a great career, reasonably educated, financial independent, amazing friends... spend the majority of my time volunteering, reading, doing yoga, going to art galleries, taking classes....
My partner and I don't have children and our finances are separate. I feel ashamed that I want to just pack up and leave. It seems that he only has a relapse when we are on another planet of happiness... and finally... finally I am starting to trust him again and I don't feel a heavy weight in my chest when he is running late from hanging out with friends. Only to have him relapse again.
The more I read these threads.... and the nar anon meeting I attend. I feel that there is also an under tone to all of the advice. Leave now, before I have kids and a mortgage.
Does anyone ever not have a relapse... do relationships ever get better.... I feel that leaving now would cause him a lot of pain. But I don't know if staying is the best life decision for myself. I've worked incredibly hard to have the life that I do. And I don't know if I want to climb this mountain with him.
I'm sorry if this offends anyone here. I feel like I'm abandoning someone I love very much when they are struggling.
I've read the sticky notes on abused women (since he is violent and blacks out after abusing drugs and alcohol) and other notes about substance abuse. I also read a lot of the threads from this page. I'm reading the codependence book. And we are starting couples counselling with a substance abuse therapist in two weeks. I've joining a nar-anon group... etc etc etc.
However... as all of this energy is going to figure out this situation and to prevent another relapse. And to understand myself better. I'm feeling resentful... and tired.
I am in my 30s, have a great career, reasonably educated, financial independent, amazing friends... spend the majority of my time volunteering, reading, doing yoga, going to art galleries, taking classes....
My partner and I don't have children and our finances are separate. I feel ashamed that I want to just pack up and leave. It seems that he only has a relapse when we are on another planet of happiness... and finally... finally I am starting to trust him again and I don't feel a heavy weight in my chest when he is running late from hanging out with friends. Only to have him relapse again.
The more I read these threads.... and the nar anon meeting I attend. I feel that there is also an under tone to all of the advice. Leave now, before I have kids and a mortgage.
Does anyone ever not have a relapse... do relationships ever get better.... I feel that leaving now would cause him a lot of pain. But I don't know if staying is the best life decision for myself. I've worked incredibly hard to have the life that I do. And I don't know if I want to climb this mountain with him.
I'm sorry if this offends anyone here. I feel like I'm abandoning someone I love very much when they are struggling.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
We should love and respect OURSELVES enough to do what's right for our personal mental health and physical well-being.
There is no shame in letting go of a relationship that's not working. In fact, there is more shame in holding on to unhappiness and resentments. Holding on to something that just isn't working anymore can hurt the other person and hold them back from recovery more than letting go will.
Only you can decide what's right for the long term. This is the rest of your life you are talking about. If you are unhappy, only you can change that.
There is no shame in letting go of a relationship that's not working. In fact, there is more shame in holding on to unhappiness and resentments. Holding on to something that just isn't working anymore can hurt the other person and hold them back from recovery more than letting go will.
Only you can decide what's right for the long term. This is the rest of your life you are talking about. If you are unhappy, only you can change that.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
aaah yes...all of this WASTED ENERGY on what? him and his addiction...and its all his problems...
you do have the right for a normal/healthy relationship....Its called SELF CARE
of course you will struggle with yourself the do's and don'ts but it still comes down to you...and your worth and what you deserve....
you do have the right for a normal/healthy relationship....Its called SELF CARE
of course you will struggle with yourself the do's and don'ts but it still comes down to you...and your worth and what you deserve....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
only you can decide your fate, same with him. if you continue seeking support and educating yourself and work on YOU, you will know what to do.
its a very difficult journey either way, but please know anything is possible and we are all here for ya
its a very difficult journey either way, but please know anything is possible and we are all here for ya
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
^^^^^^^ I agree with everything said above.
Welcome to Sober Recovery! You have found a great and very safe place to share and get feedback!!
Actually any therapist worth their salt will NOT do 'couples counseling' until the addicted one has been in recovery for a while and is showing by their actions that they are serious about recovery and are working on themselves. Right now, it is a waste of time.
No reason for you to feel guilty. You leave, even if it is only a 'separation' until his ACTIONS show how he is changing, will just be a consequence of HIS Actions by using.
You do need to take care of YOU.
We can share with you our own Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) so please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Welcome to Sober Recovery! You have found a great and very safe place to share and get feedback!!
And we are starting couples counselling with a substance abuse therapist in two weeks.
No reason for you to feel guilty. You leave, even if it is only a 'separation' until his ACTIONS show how he is changing, will just be a consequence of HIS Actions by using.
You do need to take care of YOU.
We can share with you our own Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) so please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 18
Laurie6781
Thank you for commenting. I thought I was doing something productive when I made the appt with the couples counsellor. I never thought about it from this prespective. I'm still trying to get my head around the idea that HE needs to change... Because HE wants to. And that is separate from what is happening with me.
Flawed but difficult to let go is wanting him to see how this upsets and scares me. At the moment, any conversation with depth... results in water works from me.
He has made some effort to look for another job. His coworkers and friends create a lot of temptation for him.... so it is good to see him attempt to change this. However... the first week after he relapses is when everything under the moon is promised.
Thank you again for your comments. It helps a lot.
Thank you for commenting. I thought I was doing something productive when I made the appt with the couples counsellor. I never thought about it from this prespective. I'm still trying to get my head around the idea that HE needs to change... Because HE wants to. And that is separate from what is happening with me.
Flawed but difficult to let go is wanting him to see how this upsets and scares me. At the moment, any conversation with depth... results in water works from me.
He has made some effort to look for another job. His coworkers and friends create a lot of temptation for him.... so it is good to see him attempt to change this. However... the first week after he relapses is when everything under the moon is promised.
Thank you again for your comments. It helps a lot.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
He has made a choice to use drugs. You aren't abandoning him. He made decisions, and has to live with the consequences of those decisions. Only you can decide for yourself what is best for you. There is nothing selfish in that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Originally Posted by broomhilde
Leave now, before I have kids and a mortgage.
to me, you don't have to leave forever, but a little distance to figure things out cannot hurt. you can still be supportive of his right decisions without getting all wrapped up in his turmoil. and in all fairness, you probably can use some time to take care of yourself.
stay strong and time will tell what is the best decision for you.
hugs and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 18
Moving out
Thank you for the post. I have moved in with a friend ... I don't know how long I will be with her. But for right now, it does feel like a good decision. I went for my first really long run this morning. When he relapsed six months ago, I completely gave it up. And when he relapsed recently, I felt even more tired.
I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I barely have the strength to deal with my situation... with kids and a mortgage, I wouldn't know what to do. I hope you have the support of your family. I know that his hasn't been to helpful. This is where our situation is very different. His family loves me and is siding with me to support him with his recovery.
Please take care of yourself. Thinking about you and your family often. I hope you have good strong friendships. I would have emailed you directly days ago, but I don't have the thread count yet.
I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I barely have the strength to deal with my situation... with kids and a mortgage, I wouldn't know what to do. I hope you have the support of your family. I know that his hasn't been to helpful. This is where our situation is very different. His family loves me and is siding with me to support him with his recovery.
Please take care of yourself. Thinking about you and your family often. I hope you have good strong friendships. I would have emailed you directly days ago, but I don't have the thread count yet.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
broomhilde,
thank you for your post and your encouragement. my family has been helpful, but they are not very knowledgeable on the drug issue, so it makes it a bit hard to talk to them sometimes.
SR has helped me tremendously and just talking to everyone here has been priceless.
i am glad to hear of your progress and your decision to stay w/ a friend for a little while. that should give you a chance to take care of yourself and to get your thoughts together a little bit.
so glad that you went running. i have always loved to exercise and it does make me feel better when i get a chance to do it.
take care and thanks again for your support.
hugs and prayers for you.
thank you for your post and your encouragement. my family has been helpful, but they are not very knowledgeable on the drug issue, so it makes it a bit hard to talk to them sometimes.
SR has helped me tremendously and just talking to everyone here has been priceless.
i am glad to hear of your progress and your decision to stay w/ a friend for a little while. that should give you a chance to take care of yourself and to get your thoughts together a little bit.
so glad that you went running. i have always loved to exercise and it does make me feel better when i get a chance to do it.
take care and thanks again for your support.
hugs and prayers for you.
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