Maryjan

Hello,

I see so many posts about whether drinkers should stop drinking, or if they can moderate, etc. I just wanted to chime in with my experience. I am a high bottom drunk. I only drank 2-3 glasses of wine a night, but I've had blackouts all my life, and even after having kids, I couldn't seem to stop overdoing it from time to time and blacking out. The last time, I was in a blackout when I put my kids to bed. I found SR the next day. I was full of dread, hopelessness, and shame. I thought about drinking all the time--was I drinking too much? Was I an alcoholic? Should I eat before the party? Could I only drink on weekends? Could I only drink one glass of wine? And on and on.

I grew up with an alcoholic father. I know what it feels like to be a kid with a parent who is drunk and out of control. I vowed that this would never happen to my kids.

In the months since I came here to SR, I also started going to AA. I'm on Step Ten, and my brain feels like a new brain, honestly. I now have tools to handle all my fear, anxiety, and misery, instead of numbing it out with wine. I have a group of people who say, "We're all like that," when I confess all the crazy things my brain does.

I wasn't sure if I had to stop drinking. I was on the fence, wondering if this was an experiment, if I could drink again somehow. (Maybe on vacation, I told myself. Maybe when my small kids went to college....)

It's only been a few months, but I can now see a life with no alcohol in front of me. It looks really, really good. I don't think about drinking every night. My husband (who told me I did not have a problem) has cut way back, too. He tells me I seem happier, and even though he doesn't think I HAD to quit, he is glad I did.

I am posting because I am someone who could have probably moderated for a few more years before having any major problems. And I chose--I choose every day, with the help of AA and my friends here and my Higher Power--to be sober.

For anyone who is here wondering if he or she HAS to stop, I hope you'll consider that your life might be better--simpler, happier, filled with pride and good work--if you stop now, and avoid the years of trying not to get worse. A high bottom drunk is still a drunk.

Also--thank you to this amazing SR community.

Maryjan

StrongEnuf

Thank you for this post !

artsoul

Great post! It so tempting to think we can still drink if we haven't had the usual consequences (DUI, failed relationships, etc). You just pointed out that just thinking about drinking all the time is in itself a prison.

We can choose to get off the bus to h*** whenever we want. I'm so glad you decided to get off early in the game. Congrats!!!

Anna

I had blackouts too, and that was so scary.

I'm glad you have found peace in your life. My mind was always buzzing with some aspect of drinking and it was such a relief to stop and know that it was all good.

Danae

Fantastic post!

I was in a similar position. I could have kept on going for a few more years, probably, without major damage to my body or job. (not sure about my self-esteem or relationships, though).

But life is SO much better now that I don't drink. I'm glad I didn't wait any longer.

bettterlife4me

Awesome post MaryJan! Thanks for sharing.

I too consider myself to have a "high bottom". But the truth is, if I continued drinking I was bound to eventually reach "low bottom".

I have so much more peace in my life now, it's unbelievable. Sure I have anxious moments, but my coping skills are much improved since becoming sober.

Life is good!

LauraS

Thank you so much. I sometimes sense a bit of competitiveness around how bad things get before an alcoholic seeks help. As another high bottom drunk, I can relate to your post a lot. We're told it's a progressive disease, and that means that some of us will want to address it early enough to avoid getting to the point at which we're doing major damage to our lives. It is so easy to fall into the mindset of thinking we don't really have a problem because we don't yet drink the same amount as others we encounter, but that isn't the point. The point is getting help before it gets that bad. Thanks for reminding me

least

The only important thing I lost was my self respect and the respect of my kids. I've earned it back tho and wouldn't trade it for anything.

Toronto68

I think that is a great post. It helps on many levels:

- people that are wondering whether they drink too much ("it's only X drinks" etc)
- it deals with some of the myths/misunderstandings about what addiction amounts to in terms of VOLUME and frequency. In other words, you don't have to be an everyday drinker OR you don't have to drink a ton of alcohol necessarily (whatever a ton is). The addiction problem can mean an increase in volume and frequency over time for some people, while others have more of a plateau in those areas. It all depends. Addiction is like musical variations to me, and there are lots of rhythms for it to take shape.
- people that run into obstacles in their decision to quit through contradictions from their spouse (some spouses actually fear a loss of alcohol use because of the changes and uncertainty that quitting might entail!)
- there can be a benefit to quitting sooner rather than later ("let's wait till it gets REALLY bad"-- and what exactly is that?)
-plus it's generally encouraging to people who spend a lot of time debating and don't know where to start. This person shows how just getting started by acting on the decision (in this case using AA and this site) set things in motion. Some people spend years in this mode of thinking one day they might quit.

I really like it.

Mida

Thanks, Maryjan! I too never had any serious consequences due to alcohol use by the typical measures (loss of job, relationships, legal/health issues) but I was losing myself! I became not just obsessed with drinking but angry, bitter, resentful, etc. I mean everyone probably has those moments in life but I found that after years of pretty much daily drinking, I felt that way all the time and hence my decision to quit.

Great thread!

Maryjan

Thanks everyone. I have no doubt if I had kept drinking, I would have gone much "lower." Finally ending the agonizing questions about could I drink and how...that's been one of the best things about being sober. I can't. Moving on...

LaFemme

Thank you so much Maryjan! I wish I had stopped when I first suspected I had a problem...it makes me happy to know some people get out before too much damage is done.

P.s. - I also could have gone lower although I have had no real consequences to my life, except misery, due to drinking.