elleymae

I've been in alanon for over a year. I've gone to many meetings during that time, although I'll admit for a good portion of that it's been one particular meeting because I really get a lot out of it. The last two weeks I've gone to a different meeting every night, rather than just my home meeting. I really need to find a sponsor! Problem is, the few people who have the serentity I'm looking for, and asked to be my sponsor have turned me down due to having their hands full sponsoring several others. I found one woman who I asked to be my sponsor and she was available. HURRAY. However, I only kept her as my sponsor for about 3 weeks because every single time I called her with an issue or just to talk she didn't follow the program! She told me what to do, how to do it. I always felt WORSE after talking to her than better. And she ASSUMED so much about me that wasn't true. She made judgements about me that once they were in her head, she wouldn't let go of. (For example: she told me once that she suspected I was sexually abused as a child.) I never was, and when I told her that wasn't true, she proceeded to tell me how SHE was... and she told me in a way that was overbearing, as if her telling me would finally "break me down" and get me to confess to something that never happened but she suspected. What a mess. That was months ago and I'm still dealing with the baggage she saddled me with.

So... I've learned my lesson about taking a sponsor just because they're available, but again, all the ones that are recovered enough that I think they'd actually be able to sponsor, well they're taken.

Any ideas what else I can do? I need someone to help me with the steps! I have friends in alanon that I can talk to when I'm down, but I need the help from a sponsor.

johnnymau

You could also try telephone meetings:

Electronic Al-Anon Meetings

That would open up the pool of potential sponsors, and it could just be on an interim basis to get you started on the steps until you can find a F2F person.

Sorry you had such a bad experience the first time out, please keep trying! Good luck!

elleymae

My problem is that I don't know how to work the steps without a sponsor. For instance, Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alchohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. Before I had that short-term sponsor, I only worked step one as in doing just what it said and only that. I admited I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable. Hell that was EASY! It was the whole reason I started going in the first place. But once I had a sponsor in place, she started with step one by asking me to make a list of things I couldn't control and things I could. Until she asked me to do that, I never really understood WORKING the steps... so it's kinda like I need someone to guide me through actually WORKING them because I don't know to to WORK them, if that makes any sense. Is there a book that suggests ways to WORK them? I have several pieces of alanon literature but none have that. I have How Alanon Works. I have ODAT, and I have Courage to Change. Wondering if there is one that really goes into depth with the steps?

Tuffgirl

Have you reviewed the documents here for step study (see the sticky at the top of the page)? I have been working those myself - with a little help from someone I call not-my-sponsor, because she is really just guiding me when I have questions and I am doing the work myself.

wicked

I want a perfect pen. A fine point rolling ball gel pen.
And today, I will get one.

elleymae,
I am going to look for some more help online too.
there are no ACA meetings where I live, but I am talking with a friend here on SR,
and doing a lot of reading of the Big Red Book.
I had a sponsor for my alcoholism, but not for codependency and adult child issues.
I admire your ability to keep going.

Beth

StarCat

I take the pens from work. (I'm so bad.)
Other departments buy the cheapo BIC pens, that take forever to start writing, and run out of ink quickly.
My department only buys the uni-ball gel pens. Now I am ready for anything.


There's no rush to find a sponsor.
When the right one comes along, you'll know.
I only recently got a sponsor.
HP kept dropping hints, and when I didn't figure it out, I got hit over the head with it. Suddenly all those little hints made sense.
When you find the right person, you'll know.

nodaybut2day

I want one too...one that works for left-handed writers damnit!

Cyranoak

Here's what you do. Mention at meetings, either at the beginning when they ask if there are any announcements for the good of Alanon, or when you share during the meeting, that you are looking for a sponsor.

Then you wait-- patiently-- and you accept that your higher power is going to choose your sponsor rather than you. Eventually, somebody will approach you. When they do, unless there is a super compelling reason (like hygiene or craziness) to politely decline or they are of the opposite gender (unless they are way, way older than you), work with the person for awhile and see what happens.

If it works out, great. If not, you will thank them and start looking for a different sponsor.

Good luck.

Cyranoak

bookwyrm

There is even a whole friends and family step study forum...Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

OutlawHacker

I've learned this lesson as well. I found it helpful to ask some of the long-term people at meetings for a nudge in the right direction. They can often recommend someone with a solid program even if they themselves are not available. Remember the saying: Sitting in meetings doesn't make you recovered any more than sitting in a garage makes you a car. Try to make sure your sponsor has a sponsor of their own and that they WORK the program (preferably from the Big Book IMHO). It also wouldn't hurt is they have had more than a couple of sponsees. I think if you respectfully announce at each meeting that you are trying to find a sponsor and are patient you will find what you need.

I absolutely recommend a real live sponsor over simply working the steps from the internet. My sponsor is able to gently point out when I am full of BS which is seldom something I can see about myself.

keepinon

You can work the steps or start to with Paths to Recovery..it's an alanon book we use all the time in our step meeting..has questions at the end of each chapter.

Cat123

Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts is pretty good. It has many questions at the end of each chapter about each step.