keepinon

I am sure some of you have experienced this..I am so bummed.We have a had a great small group at our noon meetings..about 6 or so peeps average..great, intimate, super insightful UNTIL...the most negative, wallowing, controlling,whiny,demanding,complaining, lady has joined/made it her mission to tailor the meetings to her specific needs.
She has like 20 years in another program, but is a newcomer (kinda) to alanon (she has stopped and started becuase people have been "mean" and "not done enough to "help" her).
Some of the complaints are..she wants this group to be a step study from a particular book ..even tho we voted to use a differnt book and forgo the step study (there is a step study using that book, but she goes to another mtg at the time of that one).No one will sponsor her (wonder why?) We really should be focusing on the newcomers (her).She has also informed us on numerous occasions that she has a mood disorder which makes her feel things more intensely (I get the feeling we are expected to handle her with kid gloves).
She has pushed nagged caholed and browbeaten until we took a group conciense and guess what..we are back to the old book on step one.The group wins I get that.but has anyone ever seen a group just cowtow like this before to one persons incessant demands..I'm just gonna go to another meeting, but I'm wondering if the whole group didn't have a little codie relapse?
BTW..I know I should have compassion for her.. and I did UNTIL it got all manipulative and wouldn't stop..blech

Chino

Yuck! Nope, not ever had that experience and don't want it!!! It sounds like you all got taken hostage but I'm glad to see you found a way to break free! That really bites and I'd probably be fuming for a while, practicing recovery from my recovery experience (wth?). Seriously, that just scrambles my brain and I may need more coffee.

Seren

Hmmmm....I always thought the the Al-Anon groups were NOT supposed to become a "cult of personality" as it seems yours has....is there any way to hold another group conscience meeting about this?

If not, might be time to try a few other groups. I'm sorry to hear about your experience!

HG

mooselips

If someone at my mtg starts that and keeps it up, the person running the mtg for that evening cuts them off at the pass, and gets the mtg back on track.

Not initially, but if it continues.

Kindeyes

It is sad when the group strays from the traditions that guide it and allow one person to hijack the meeting. It is even sadder when people leave the group because of it.

If you spoke your truth during the group conscience, and the group spoke as a whole....well.....it is what it is.

Our meetings have strayed off path from time to time but I just go with the flow. Sometimes I wil sit and read the SESH quietly to myself.....it may seem rude to others but it is what I need at that moment.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

I have seen it 'tried' more in AA than in AlAnon, and A's being what they are usually do not put up with that type of behavior very long, lol

I haven't seen it happen in an AlAnon meeting but can see it happening and as you said your group being small, they had a group relapse. Too bad I wasn't there, lol it would not have happened, but that is just me.

Yes it is nice to have compassion, but I also understand why you feel upset and angry.

If another 'group consensus' cannot be done it might be time to find another group or two to attend and check back on this group in a month or two and see how they are holding up or if the gal is even still there.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

ps many a new AA meeting was/is started on a resentment, lol

outtolunch

This is group dynamincs, everywhere.

She's a bully girl. She gets away with it because people allow it.

Groups need strong boundaries, too.

MsPINKAcres

if your group has an Al-Anon Manual - there are instructions for doing a "Group Inventory" which can help the group get back on track.

Also if your group has nites that hold topic meetings (where the person chairing the meeting selects the topic for the nite) possibly volunteer to chair that nite & select a few of the traditions ~ especially Tradition 1 and 7! - Most people think 7 is talking strickly about money but it in PTR & How Al-Anon Works it talks about self-supporting meaning not relying on others to take care of us - every member is required to carry their share of their own recovery - not be controlling, manipulative and solely dependent on the group for it's only support.

Hope your group meetings can soon be restored to a sane & safe place for ALL!

PINK HUGS
Rita

johnnymau

Exactly, and the meeting secretary should be the point person for maintaining them, with the group's support.

This is textbook Tradition 1 stuff: "Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity."

The secretary and group can cite Tradition 1 to "back up" a firm position of tough-love with this person.

keepinon

I go to another great mtg on a different day, and there is a FA mtg that I could go to instead of this one as well.At the larger mtgs it is alot easier to do the whole "principles above personality" thing cuz no one gets too much time to talk..but at these little meetings people can share SEVERAL times and a negative vibe can be had much quicker.
We were reading Discovering Choices which was really interesting..

keepinon

Hey..thats my place!But I work at that time Good for us though!

keepinon

So called the secratary of the mtg cuz I had to leave early from the business mtg.I told her the following:
The meeting has become dominated by the sickest person in the room.If this were AA and someone walked in and said"I stopped drinking this morning and I need this meeting to be about x y and z and you all need to use this book and no one is helping me enough...they would say "welcome, now take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth..you want what we have..put your a$% in the chair and listen." The sickest person in the group dominating makes for a weak group.Said i fully understood a group conscience was taken and respect it, but that I needed a break for a while.
Not working for me, so I will get my recovery needs met elsewhere..wasn't trying to change anything, but wanted to express what I saw happening.Feels good.

fourmaggie

its scary but they WILL loose members if they keep this person in the group(or not shut her up)..and that is so scary for the next new comer because they WONT come back....

jeepgirl

I have experienced this situation. I did leave the group for a while, and when I came back, to my surprise it had evolved into a great meeting. The break was what I needed ...went to another meeting, made new friends... and brought them back with me. I also talked privately with the person, and expressed my concerns. We eventually had a meeting of the minds. Perhaps there is a lesson for you to learn. I find where I have the most pain is where I need the most growth.

Impurrfect

(((Keep))) - sorry that this happened, but VERY proud of you for stating how you felt.

You want recovery, and you will find it. This woman will likely stay sick and change meetings until she finds one that caters to her, and I have a feeling she'll be looking for a long, long time. She may have gotten "her way" this time, but from the sounds of her personality, I see her driving other people away.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

keepinon

I think there was a lesson here..and it was that i can see dysfunction coming and instead of railing, whining, engaging in war (old behaviors) I can state my case and walk away to a healthier place for me!

jeepgirl

You sound great keepinon... strong and positive.

shipmate

I am so happy you posted this about your group ,and yes it is sad and scary at the same time.Our entire alanon in this area has been Hi_jacked by 1 lady who ,from what I know ,belongs in NA,but wishes to remain a victim of her ex"s addiction.I was so shocked at the tactics she uses that I went right back into my denial ( where I spent most of my life).At a convention ,,all those involved were peeps who practiced none of the principals on the outside and even went as far as attacking me personally for trying to keep God or a power greater than her in charge.I tried every suggestion such as changing meetings ,home groups ,,but I could predict that it was only a matter of time before one of her cronies would show up and excercise their superior,,I know more than you all attitude.I am a double winner and dont let go easily of my life line .but sending spies to other meetings ?? gimme a break.Please pray for me to Let go and let God,I love many alanons,,still go to meetings not in this area(outta state)It is still the best place to find healing ,,just not here and I refuse to be wounded over and over by a program that once saved my sanity .. So I suggest moving on

Carlotta

I saw it happen to a women s meeting in another fellowship I attend. It got hijacked by two whining older women with tons of time. It got so bad that we would study whatever material they wanted because they were "old timers" and between them, they would monopolize 45 minutes of an hour meeting! And all they did was complain about their husbands, their kids, their lives....
At first I "suffered" silently (codie at work LOL) then I brought in an electronic game I would play during their monologues (oops I mean shares) and finally I just stopped attending, what was the point to go somewhere and get aggravated?