Breaking...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
Breaking...
Putting the bottle to my lips. Reaching for that next cigarette. Taking another hit.
I've not been on the boards as much as I was at the beginning of my recovery. I was very focused on not drinking and arresting the descending spiral of my life. I almost lost it all. I almost gave up on everything. Drinking was me giving into every failure I'd ever had. Life was a thing to be endured not to be enjoyed or shared. For me drinking was the armour I put on to face the never ending series of battles that faced me. Of course I lost everyone.
I'm 131 days in. Yesterday for the first time in months I seriously considered drinking and smoking. I quit both almost at the same time in November. I woke up thinking..."thank you, thank you thank you for not drinking." What a fool I would have felt.
In the time I've sobered up I pretty much solved my financial worries. Gotten a great new job and taken my online web business to the next level. I'm still single and 30 pounds overweight...but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.
I'm pushing myself hard to move ahead with my life and succeed. I seem to want everything right away. I've lost so many years. So much time.
I tried to quit so many times. So many internal struggles in teh parking lot of the liquor store.
Thinking: Don't do it. Go back home. You'll hate yourself, you can't afford it, your dying, your losing, you have not control.
I'd go in anyway. Not today I'd think to myself. I'll quit tomorrow. Or next week. Or I would not even struggle. Most days I just went in and bought what I needed.
I hurt now though. In new ways. With new hurts. I've cleaned up so life is back. With all the hurts that are in it. I have to feel sadness again. Bit I also feel joy. I used to just feel numb. A shell of a man.
I don't know why I finally quit. I did feel at the end of my rope. I was in therapy. Still am. I find it really helps. I had no idea how many things were going on in that brain of mine.
No AA. My Dad has been in it for over thirty years. I figured out he quit the same age that I quit. He was 36 and I am 36. Funny. Maybe not. I don't know.
I used SR this time. I had no idea how much help this place could be. So supportive.
Why I wanted to quit being sober last night is a strange story. You don't need to hear it. My thinking was if this "event" happened I would then give my permission to drink and smoke. I also told myself it would only be for the night. I would go back to being clean right away.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. What a lie! That was the old me. He jumped right tout and spoke his lies in my ear when I was weak. I wanted to believe those lies. I wanted to make the pain go away.
I'm ok now. Long walks. Thinking about a good future. I live with hope and joy but a lot of sadness. But that's ok.
Just wanted to share.
I've not been on the boards as much as I was at the beginning of my recovery. I was very focused on not drinking and arresting the descending spiral of my life. I almost lost it all. I almost gave up on everything. Drinking was me giving into every failure I'd ever had. Life was a thing to be endured not to be enjoyed or shared. For me drinking was the armour I put on to face the never ending series of battles that faced me. Of course I lost everyone.
I'm 131 days in. Yesterday for the first time in months I seriously considered drinking and smoking. I quit both almost at the same time in November. I woke up thinking..."thank you, thank you thank you for not drinking." What a fool I would have felt.
In the time I've sobered up I pretty much solved my financial worries. Gotten a great new job and taken my online web business to the next level. I'm still single and 30 pounds overweight...but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.
I'm pushing myself hard to move ahead with my life and succeed. I seem to want everything right away. I've lost so many years. So much time.
I tried to quit so many times. So many internal struggles in teh parking lot of the liquor store.
Thinking: Don't do it. Go back home. You'll hate yourself, you can't afford it, your dying, your losing, you have not control.
I'd go in anyway. Not today I'd think to myself. I'll quit tomorrow. Or next week. Or I would not even struggle. Most days I just went in and bought what I needed.
I hurt now though. In new ways. With new hurts. I've cleaned up so life is back. With all the hurts that are in it. I have to feel sadness again. Bit I also feel joy. I used to just feel numb. A shell of a man.
I don't know why I finally quit. I did feel at the end of my rope. I was in therapy. Still am. I find it really helps. I had no idea how many things were going on in that brain of mine.
No AA. My Dad has been in it for over thirty years. I figured out he quit the same age that I quit. He was 36 and I am 36. Funny. Maybe not. I don't know.
I used SR this time. I had no idea how much help this place could be. So supportive.
Why I wanted to quit being sober last night is a strange story. You don't need to hear it. My thinking was if this "event" happened I would then give my permission to drink and smoke. I also told myself it would only be for the night. I would go back to being clean right away.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. What a lie! That was the old me. He jumped right tout and spoke his lies in my ear when I was weak. I wanted to believe those lies. I wanted to make the pain go away.
I'm ok now. Long walks. Thinking about a good future. I live with hope and joy but a lot of sadness. But that's ok.
Just wanted to share.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: michigan
Posts: 109
Thanks for posting. I have been thinking a lot lately about what I will do if X or X happens, will I be strong enough to stay sober and deal with it, and take life on it's own terms? I'm scared of those moments coming, as they surely will. It gives me encouragement and hope to see that others have been where I am afraid to be, and have been able to resist that little alcoholic voice and stayed sober. Thanks for sharing.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
