New and in way over my head...husband's addiction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Staunton, VA
Posts: 3
New and in way over my head...husband's addiction
I am so glad I found this forum; I have been dealing with my husband's addiction for 15 years. The last year, I realized how bad it really is. He is an alcoholic. He did quit drinking 15 years ago.
In those years, he has used forms of speed, such as over the counter ephedrine, which thankfully, the FDA pulled because of the deaths. There are days he would take as many as 30-40; I always worried he would die. He has also abused narcotics if he has access to them, which isn't often, but he prefers the speed buzz. He has actually blamed me; If i get upset with him, by not talking to him distancing myself from him because of a disagreement, he gets down, withdrawn, depressed.
I realized the severity, I should have picked up on it years ago, when the doctor prescribed me adderall for my depression about 1 1/2 years ago. I had tried just bout everything, nothing worked.
I am prescribed 60 mgs. a day, normally I do not take over 20-30 mgs. A higher dosage just hypes me up. The wake-up call to the severity of his problem hit me when he started taking my adderall. I have to constantly hide them, I use so many places that I lose them.
Originally he would take about 10 or so out of my bottle. The last few months, he has been taking my prescription, filling it and taking out 30-35 for himself. I have fought and battled with him over this to no avail, he thinking is that I don't take them all anyway. It makes him feel more secure having them, while he's working on quitting.
He has been been working on quitting for years now. While he is working on quitting, I am shutting down completely from the verbal and emotional abuse, which the speed binges just intensify.
I lost both parents a couple years ago, then my nephew right behind them. I left my job to care for my mom when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It really did a number on me, watching them both pass away a slow death, my mother's was horrific. I have not been able to go back to work.
The last couple years staying at home; I have slowly became more and more isolated and dependent upon him, which he seems to really like.
I live with the digs, slurs, and embarrassment in front of others. He can be a great, wonderful, caring husband. He has always been there for me for anything I need, which I feel is really messed with me on realizing what is normal and not normal.
I doubt myself so much; I'm not sure what is right or wrong anymore. I have tried more times than I can count to talk to him about stopping and getting help for the addiction. He turns it around on me, "Well, you smoke", you're addicted. He is absolutely right, I am addicted and I struggled several times with quitting, which gives me a taste of how hard quitting any addiction would be.
I have told him that the smoking doesn't change who I am, it doesn't make me verbally or emotionally abusive to him.
I told him today that I was filling my own prescriptions from now on; he needs to get help. His response was that he is paying for my cigarettes, and that he also pays for the adderall. I don't even know what to say to him, how to respond.
It seems as though I have been looking at him through a filter; this strong man who isn't afraid of anything, takes on any challenge life has to throw at him. He's stopped using pills for as long as 9 months, he can stop if he really tries. This has led me to keep supporting him, and truly believing that he will soon quite, but the years have passed and here I am. He's still popping pills, and working on quitting.
It may not make sense, but the physical abuse of my ex-husband, had no where near this affect on me; at least I knew what I was up against. The addiction, it's just makes me feel like I am losing my mind. I have doubted for so many years what I thought and felt were problems, now that I am realizing what is going on; I'm not sure where to turn, or how to start putting an end to this kind of life.
Is it wrong to take control of my medication and not let him have anymore, period? It stops now.... I know I have been enabling him now, by reading posts and searching for answers. I hope no one fusses at me for this question, it probably is a no brainier for those who are more knowledgeable. I truly don't know what to do.
I know he still has a stash. I feel that living this life has led me to such a severe depression and not being able to function in life, I doubt everything I feel and think sometimes. I have been going to a psychiatrist for the last few years, trying different medications, dealing with side effects, being sick and then not working and having to taper off and deal with the withdrawal. I now understand why they didn't work. A pill can't fix my life, what I live with day to day. I have lost years of my life struggling to get better from the anxiety, panic and depression and just starting to realize that it's probably him who has caused this, or at least a large portion of my mental issues.
I don't have many people in my life anymore, he has alienated most of my friends and family at some point.
He has never been physically abusive to me; but it scares me of his reaction to not letting him get his hands on my medication anymore, how he will react. My first husband, physically abused me with guns, knives, stalking, etc., and I still have fear of my husband hurting me.
He is ex-military and can be very arrogant, cocky and condescending. From reading lately, he has a lot of narcissist characteristics; I was shocked by how many he does have.
I would appreciate any input, opinions, places to turn, whatever. I finally realize how bad it is, and how much he needs help. It's so hard to talk to him, because he tries to bring up anything that i have ever done wrong in his mind.
Thank you so much for your time, as with most stories, there is so much more I could write, I look forward to anyone's opinion or experience as which direction to go.
I
In those years, he has used forms of speed, such as over the counter ephedrine, which thankfully, the FDA pulled because of the deaths. There are days he would take as many as 30-40; I always worried he would die. He has also abused narcotics if he has access to them, which isn't often, but he prefers the speed buzz. He has actually blamed me; If i get upset with him, by not talking to him distancing myself from him because of a disagreement, he gets down, withdrawn, depressed.
I realized the severity, I should have picked up on it years ago, when the doctor prescribed me adderall for my depression about 1 1/2 years ago. I had tried just bout everything, nothing worked.
I am prescribed 60 mgs. a day, normally I do not take over 20-30 mgs. A higher dosage just hypes me up. The wake-up call to the severity of his problem hit me when he started taking my adderall. I have to constantly hide them, I use so many places that I lose them.
Originally he would take about 10 or so out of my bottle. The last few months, he has been taking my prescription, filling it and taking out 30-35 for himself. I have fought and battled with him over this to no avail, he thinking is that I don't take them all anyway. It makes him feel more secure having them, while he's working on quitting.
He has been been working on quitting for years now. While he is working on quitting, I am shutting down completely from the verbal and emotional abuse, which the speed binges just intensify.
I lost both parents a couple years ago, then my nephew right behind them. I left my job to care for my mom when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It really did a number on me, watching them both pass away a slow death, my mother's was horrific. I have not been able to go back to work.
The last couple years staying at home; I have slowly became more and more isolated and dependent upon him, which he seems to really like.
I live with the digs, slurs, and embarrassment in front of others. He can be a great, wonderful, caring husband. He has always been there for me for anything I need, which I feel is really messed with me on realizing what is normal and not normal.
I doubt myself so much; I'm not sure what is right or wrong anymore. I have tried more times than I can count to talk to him about stopping and getting help for the addiction. He turns it around on me, "Well, you smoke", you're addicted. He is absolutely right, I am addicted and I struggled several times with quitting, which gives me a taste of how hard quitting any addiction would be.
I have told him that the smoking doesn't change who I am, it doesn't make me verbally or emotionally abusive to him.
I told him today that I was filling my own prescriptions from now on; he needs to get help. His response was that he is paying for my cigarettes, and that he also pays for the adderall. I don't even know what to say to him, how to respond.
It seems as though I have been looking at him through a filter; this strong man who isn't afraid of anything, takes on any challenge life has to throw at him. He's stopped using pills for as long as 9 months, he can stop if he really tries. This has led me to keep supporting him, and truly believing that he will soon quite, but the years have passed and here I am. He's still popping pills, and working on quitting.
It may not make sense, but the physical abuse of my ex-husband, had no where near this affect on me; at least I knew what I was up against. The addiction, it's just makes me feel like I am losing my mind. I have doubted for so many years what I thought and felt were problems, now that I am realizing what is going on; I'm not sure where to turn, or how to start putting an end to this kind of life.
Is it wrong to take control of my medication and not let him have anymore, period? It stops now.... I know I have been enabling him now, by reading posts and searching for answers. I hope no one fusses at me for this question, it probably is a no brainier for those who are more knowledgeable. I truly don't know what to do.
I know he still has a stash. I feel that living this life has led me to such a severe depression and not being able to function in life, I doubt everything I feel and think sometimes. I have been going to a psychiatrist for the last few years, trying different medications, dealing with side effects, being sick and then not working and having to taper off and deal with the withdrawal. I now understand why they didn't work. A pill can't fix my life, what I live with day to day. I have lost years of my life struggling to get better from the anxiety, panic and depression and just starting to realize that it's probably him who has caused this, or at least a large portion of my mental issues.
I don't have many people in my life anymore, he has alienated most of my friends and family at some point.
He has never been physically abusive to me; but it scares me of his reaction to not letting him get his hands on my medication anymore, how he will react. My first husband, physically abused me with guns, knives, stalking, etc., and I still have fear of my husband hurting me.
He is ex-military and can be very arrogant, cocky and condescending. From reading lately, he has a lot of narcissist characteristics; I was shocked by how many he does have.
I would appreciate any input, opinions, places to turn, whatever. I finally realize how bad it is, and how much he needs help. It's so hard to talk to him, because he tries to bring up anything that i have ever done wrong in his mind.
Thank you so much for your time, as with most stories, there is so much more I could write, I look forward to anyone's opinion or experience as which direction to go.
I
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Brittany))) - welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what you are going through.
FWIW, I'm both a recovery addict (RA - crack) and recovering codie (codependent) so I know both sides of the story, very well.
As far as your meds, are you able to get them without him paying for them? If so, I can just tell you what I've done. I take meds for sleep and PTSD that I got after a violent robbery. My stepmom would steal them.
I got a small lockbox from WalMart. Unfortunately, there were times I misplaced my keys, apparently SHE found the keys, as I would come up short on the meds. I've finally placed a hook for my keys, where she wouldn't think to look, and lo and behold, I've had leftover meds when it was time for refills.
It's not fair, it's not right, but I can't leave my home (I'm 49, and trying to get back on my feet from all the consequences of my own addiction).
An A will turn things on you...you end up feeling guilty and/or apologizing when they've done something wrong.
Is there any way you can stash some money aside..somewhere he has no knowledge of, or access to? Something to help you get out of there.
I also smoke cigarettes, and can honestly say that it's harder to quit than the crack was. My dad is a reformed smoker, is always making snide remarks, but I've told him "cigarettes don't have me walking the streets, jumping into cars with strange men to get money for crack; cigarettes don't have me hiding from the cops; yes, I'm addicted, and I'm proud that you quit YOUR 4 pack/day habit, but I'm not yet ready to quit"
You may want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings...they're for the families of loved ones who are addicted. Another thing to check out is "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie. Even if you don't see yourself as a codependent, I think these will help you. I know that when I first got here, I read a LOT of posts, and found so many similarities, it was a huge relief...just knowing I wasn't the only one going through what I was, and feeling the way I felt.
It's 3:30a.m., where I am, and I'm about to go to sleep. I'm sure others will post when they log on.
I was where you are, a long, long time ago. I had no self-esteem, felt worthless, ashamed of my relationship, etc. However, the great folks here have helped me, tremendously.
You are not alone. You DO deserve a life without all his addiction chaos controlling it. You CAN get to that point, but it takes time, it's hard, but it is very, very worth it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I'm both a recovery addict (RA - crack) and recovering codie (codependent) so I know both sides of the story, very well.
As far as your meds, are you able to get them without him paying for them? If so, I can just tell you what I've done. I take meds for sleep and PTSD that I got after a violent robbery. My stepmom would steal them.
I got a small lockbox from WalMart. Unfortunately, there were times I misplaced my keys, apparently SHE found the keys, as I would come up short on the meds. I've finally placed a hook for my keys, where she wouldn't think to look, and lo and behold, I've had leftover meds when it was time for refills.
It's not fair, it's not right, but I can't leave my home (I'm 49, and trying to get back on my feet from all the consequences of my own addiction).
An A will turn things on you...you end up feeling guilty and/or apologizing when they've done something wrong.
Is there any way you can stash some money aside..somewhere he has no knowledge of, or access to? Something to help you get out of there.
I also smoke cigarettes, and can honestly say that it's harder to quit than the crack was. My dad is a reformed smoker, is always making snide remarks, but I've told him "cigarettes don't have me walking the streets, jumping into cars with strange men to get money for crack; cigarettes don't have me hiding from the cops; yes, I'm addicted, and I'm proud that you quit YOUR 4 pack/day habit, but I'm not yet ready to quit"
You may want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings...they're for the families of loved ones who are addicted. Another thing to check out is "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie. Even if you don't see yourself as a codependent, I think these will help you. I know that when I first got here, I read a LOT of posts, and found so many similarities, it was a huge relief...just knowing I wasn't the only one going through what I was, and feeling the way I felt.
It's 3:30a.m., where I am, and I'm about to go to sleep. I'm sure others will post when they log on.
I was where you are, a long, long time ago. I had no self-esteem, felt worthless, ashamed of my relationship, etc. However, the great folks here have helped me, tremendously.
You are not alone. You DO deserve a life without all his addiction chaos controlling it. You CAN get to that point, but it takes time, it's hard, but it is very, very worth it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Staunton, VA
Posts: 3
thank you!
Thank you for your response; yes i can get the medicine. I have access a debit card and also have some money put back. I do have insurance so they are not expensive.
You are so right about apologizing; I find myself doing that so much lately...I find myself asking permission to do something or even go to another room. I'll say do you mind if I do this, if I call this person, etc.,
He turns it around on me when I say something about how many pills he takes, he can find ways to make me think it's my fault, such as leaving a half a couple pills laying out where he can see them...I don't do it intentionally. When I do say something, he says I'm fussing at him, he acts childish, he withdraws, pouts, stomps off, you would think I knocked him upside the head with an iron skillet. It's like I have crushed him.
He is very clingy, and controlling. This last year my life as been on the computer most of my waking hours. I have used the computer as a crutch and an escape. I would much prefer being on the computer most of time when he's home. Although we've been married 15 years, I find myself uncomfortable when I'm around him. I don't know what to say or do, it's like we are strangers. That makes him really mad, when I go to the computer when he's home. I tried sitting with him in the living room while he's watching tv; it's like he wants me to watch him watch tv. The conversations I try to have with him are awkward and uncomfortable.
He is a very negative person, he's hard to talk to; most times i feel much worse about myself by just being around him. I find myself walking on eggshells.
The times I do talk and he says he understands doesn't last long, he falls right back in the same pattern within a few weeks.
I have lost my self-esteem, self-worth and I had lost hope until a couple days ago when I started researching and reading...I am so glad I found this site. I feel completely isolated and dependent upon him. It used not be like that; I always worked and knew I could pay my own way.
I am also 49 years old and I don't want to turn 50 and still living like this. I need a purpose a goal in my life. Right now, I don't have any, at least that I can see.
It's almost 4 a.m. here, I guess I should try to sleep.
You are so right about apologizing; I find myself doing that so much lately...I find myself asking permission to do something or even go to another room. I'll say do you mind if I do this, if I call this person, etc.,
He turns it around on me when I say something about how many pills he takes, he can find ways to make me think it's my fault, such as leaving a half a couple pills laying out where he can see them...I don't do it intentionally. When I do say something, he says I'm fussing at him, he acts childish, he withdraws, pouts, stomps off, you would think I knocked him upside the head with an iron skillet. It's like I have crushed him.
He is very clingy, and controlling. This last year my life as been on the computer most of my waking hours. I have used the computer as a crutch and an escape. I would much prefer being on the computer most of time when he's home. Although we've been married 15 years, I find myself uncomfortable when I'm around him. I don't know what to say or do, it's like we are strangers. That makes him really mad, when I go to the computer when he's home. I tried sitting with him in the living room while he's watching tv; it's like he wants me to watch him watch tv. The conversations I try to have with him are awkward and uncomfortable.
He is a very negative person, he's hard to talk to; most times i feel much worse about myself by just being around him. I find myself walking on eggshells.
The times I do talk and he says he understands doesn't last long, he falls right back in the same pattern within a few weeks.
I have lost my self-esteem, self-worth and I had lost hope until a couple days ago when I started researching and reading...I am so glad I found this site. I feel completely isolated and dependent upon him. It used not be like that; I always worked and knew I could pay my own way.
I am also 49 years old and I don't want to turn 50 and still living like this. I need a purpose a goal in my life. Right now, I don't have any, at least that I can see.
It's almost 4 a.m. here, I guess I should try to sleep.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
dear Brittany,
welcome to SR. i'm fairly new myself (about 1 wk) and people have been great in supporting me and giving me insights through their own experiences.
i am also married to an addict. my husband uses cocaine. and it is also always my fault. sometimes he would even start arguments just to have an excuse to go and hang out with his drug using friends. after my c-section, i caught him taking my pills (i forgot the name, but i know that they were very strong). when i asked him about it he acted like it was nothing.
our stories are similar and i want to write more, it's just that it's getting late and i have to get to bed. i am sorry that i did not write more. i will try to respond again tomorrow.
i wanted to let you know that you are not alone. we really do care b/c we all have been through a lot of mess in our lives.
stay strong and take care of yourself. you are a good person and you deserve the best. things will get better with time, at least you are brave enough to face the problems. that is always the first step.
hugs and prayers to you.
welcome to SR. i'm fairly new myself (about 1 wk) and people have been great in supporting me and giving me insights through their own experiences.
i am also married to an addict. my husband uses cocaine. and it is also always my fault. sometimes he would even start arguments just to have an excuse to go and hang out with his drug using friends. after my c-section, i caught him taking my pills (i forgot the name, but i know that they were very strong). when i asked him about it he acted like it was nothing.
our stories are similar and i want to write more, it's just that it's getting late and i have to get to bed. i am sorry that i did not write more. i will try to respond again tomorrow.
i wanted to let you know that you are not alone. we really do care b/c we all have been through a lot of mess in our lives.
stay strong and take care of yourself. you are a good person and you deserve the best. things will get better with time, at least you are brave enough to face the problems. that is always the first step.
hugs and prayers to you.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Brittany))))) Welcome to SR. You have found a really Great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) and folks willing to pass it on.
I am glad you can get your own medicine. The next time you go for your refill, tell the pharmacist to mark your account that YOU are the only one that can pick it up. And you can tell him why, that when Hubby picks them up the prescription is short and you know it is not the folks at the pharmacy. Your account will be marked and he will no longer be able to pick them up.
I am older and I have some health issues that require some medications that could and can be addictive to certain people. I had a neighbor that was doing that as she knew that I only took these certain pills when my pain was really pad and the muscles were really spasming into the size of baseballs, so she would take some. Caught onto that one real quick. Informed my pharmacy that only I or my daughter (who also picks up for her MIL) could pick up my meds. Problem solved, and she went on their 'watch' list.
I hope you also understand that what your AH is doing to you is ABUSE, mental and emotional abuse. This can be worse and many times is, than physical abuse. Please give your local Domestic Violence center a call and talk with them, see if they have a counselor you can speak with. If push comes to shove you can always run to them for a place to stay.
Most DV centers today have counseling, assistance in finding a job, a place to stay, and any other help you may think of including legal help.
Your situation does not sound very safe to me. If you are able, please check out AlAnon in your area as you can also get some face to face support and find some 'new' friends.
Also, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
I am glad you can get your own medicine. The next time you go for your refill, tell the pharmacist to mark your account that YOU are the only one that can pick it up. And you can tell him why, that when Hubby picks them up the prescription is short and you know it is not the folks at the pharmacy. Your account will be marked and he will no longer be able to pick them up.
I am older and I have some health issues that require some medications that could and can be addictive to certain people. I had a neighbor that was doing that as she knew that I only took these certain pills when my pain was really pad and the muscles were really spasming into the size of baseballs, so she would take some. Caught onto that one real quick. Informed my pharmacy that only I or my daughter (who also picks up for her MIL) could pick up my meds. Problem solved, and she went on their 'watch' list.
I hope you also understand that what your AH is doing to you is ABUSE, mental and emotional abuse. This can be worse and many times is, than physical abuse. Please give your local Domestic Violence center a call and talk with them, see if they have a counselor you can speak with. If push comes to shove you can always run to them for a place to stay.
Most DV centers today have counseling, assistance in finding a job, a place to stay, and any other help you may think of including legal help.
Your situation does not sound very safe to me. If you are able, please check out AlAnon in your area as you can also get some face to face support and find some 'new' friends.
Also, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR Brittany......I'm glad you found us. There are so many people here who have dealt with the issues you are facing.
Addicts and Alcoholics have some great defenses to protect their addiction. Tops on their list is keeping their codependent off balance. The more off balance they can keep them the better. They do this by using OUR anxiety and anger against us. If they can keep our anxiety heightened, it makes us feel like we're losing our marbles. And if they can get us to get angry, it deflects attention away from the real problem. They use manipulation (and remember...there is always a small element of truth in manipulations that's how we fall for them) to keep us in check.
In essenence, they are controlling us. We are involved in the dance of addiction. And it feels really bad. It keeps our emotions a mess, it keeps us in that fight/flight response 24/7 which is terribly wearing to our own health--both physical AND mental.
You are reaching out for help and that is so very good. We are very big on self-care around here. We can't change or control the addict in our lives so we slowly but surely begin taking control of what we do have control over.....ourselves. It's a process. It doesn't happen overnight. But it is the answer to finding serenity in our lives.
You've had a lot go on in your life in the last couple of years. I lost my father whom I was very close to two years ago and it shook me to my core for a while. To lose both parents in a short time had to have been very very hard and I'm so very sorry for your loss. I also used the computer after my Dad died as an escape. A way to shut my brain down and stop mourning. Spider Solitaire was my choice of brain dead escapes. It worked but eventually I knew I had to do something else to move through the sorrow.
So where can you start? Coming here to SR is a great start!! There are a lot of great books out there to read "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie is probably the first suggested book. Naranon or Alanon meetings are a great way to get face to face support. I'm currently reading a book called "The Unmistakable Touch of Grace" by Cheryl Richardson (recommended by a friend here on SR--thank you Keepinon!). It revolves around self-care and recognizing when our lives are touched in sometimes very small but significant ways by a power greater than ourselves.
Again.....welcome. I hope you find comfort here. I did. We will walk with you. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Addicts and Alcoholics have some great defenses to protect their addiction. Tops on their list is keeping their codependent off balance. The more off balance they can keep them the better. They do this by using OUR anxiety and anger against us. If they can keep our anxiety heightened, it makes us feel like we're losing our marbles. And if they can get us to get angry, it deflects attention away from the real problem. They use manipulation (and remember...there is always a small element of truth in manipulations that's how we fall for them) to keep us in check.
In essenence, they are controlling us. We are involved in the dance of addiction. And it feels really bad. It keeps our emotions a mess, it keeps us in that fight/flight response 24/7 which is terribly wearing to our own health--both physical AND mental.
You are reaching out for help and that is so very good. We are very big on self-care around here. We can't change or control the addict in our lives so we slowly but surely begin taking control of what we do have control over.....ourselves. It's a process. It doesn't happen overnight. But it is the answer to finding serenity in our lives.
You've had a lot go on in your life in the last couple of years. I lost my father whom I was very close to two years ago and it shook me to my core for a while. To lose both parents in a short time had to have been very very hard and I'm so very sorry for your loss. I also used the computer after my Dad died as an escape. A way to shut my brain down and stop mourning. Spider Solitaire was my choice of brain dead escapes. It worked but eventually I knew I had to do something else to move through the sorrow.
So where can you start? Coming here to SR is a great start!! There are a lot of great books out there to read "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie is probably the first suggested book. Naranon or Alanon meetings are a great way to get face to face support. I'm currently reading a book called "The Unmistakable Touch of Grace" by Cheryl Richardson (recommended by a friend here on SR--thank you Keepinon!). It revolves around self-care and recognizing when our lives are touched in sometimes very small but significant ways by a power greater than ourselves.
Again.....welcome. I hope you find comfort here. I did. We will walk with you. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
brittany1961, so sorry you had to find us, but welcome to SR. here you will find support and knowledge that will give you strength and courage that you
feel you dont have right now.
Im 51, married to AH of 26 years. I feel your pain. I lived the exact life you discribe, maybe diffferent in some sense, but I felt the exact way you feel right now.
I suggest you keep coming here, it truly saved me. go to meetings if you can.
start thinking and planning on the future for yourself, you dont have to live
like this anymore. there is help out there for you.
dont be afraid, your not alone. I never never thought I would survive without my AH, my self esteem was so low, I had no friends left, I will say I was a prisoner, a prisoner of living with an addict and the emotional affects it did on me was devastating, his behavior towards me was nothing but that of an addict (this forum educated me on that)
now, today 14 months later, I am in a better place. I can only thank the people on this forum, my therapist, my family,my coworkers and my HP
for getting me through it. and last but not least thank myself for standing up to him and let go and get away from the madness.
Give yourself credit, you reached out for support and your acknowledging
there is a problem, you took a huge step.
we are here for you each step of the way!!
p.s. def.ask your pharmacist to not allow him to pick up your meds and start trying to put money aside for yourself.
feel you dont have right now.
Im 51, married to AH of 26 years. I feel your pain. I lived the exact life you discribe, maybe diffferent in some sense, but I felt the exact way you feel right now.
I suggest you keep coming here, it truly saved me. go to meetings if you can.
start thinking and planning on the future for yourself, you dont have to live
like this anymore. there is help out there for you.
dont be afraid, your not alone. I never never thought I would survive without my AH, my self esteem was so low, I had no friends left, I will say I was a prisoner, a prisoner of living with an addict and the emotional affects it did on me was devastating, his behavior towards me was nothing but that of an addict (this forum educated me on that)
now, today 14 months later, I am in a better place. I can only thank the people on this forum, my therapist, my family,my coworkers and my HP
for getting me through it. and last but not least thank myself for standing up to him and let go and get away from the madness.
Give yourself credit, you reached out for support and your acknowledging
there is a problem, you took a huge step.
we are here for you each step of the way!!
p.s. def.ask your pharmacist to not allow him to pick up your meds and start trying to put money aside for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Staunton, VA
Posts: 3
This is helping me so much
Only a couple days on this forum and I am already feeling so much better; I do appreciate all your responses more than I can say.
I am already feeling more confidence than I've felt in the last year. I reached the point of knowing things are going to change one way or another. The way my life has been for the last few years feels like I'm already dead and gone; I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by standing up for myself, taking my life back.
I told him this evening, I am not living with an addict, basically end of discussion for me. I told him I can't help him, I've tried, he has to do that for himself. Don't quit for me, I knew this would only bring resentment on his part, do it for yourself. I didn't tell him he had to quit, I'm putting the choice in his hands, but he will deal with the consequences of his choices. He did give me his bottle with the adderrall he had stockpiled on of mine...I'm sure some of you may have experienced this, so I'm not sure what happens next. The blame game, excuses, I don't know what to expect.
He can keep using and one of us will leave, o r he can get help. Totally his choice. I told him if he decides to use again, not to come home.
I realize the chances are very slim that he can quit, most addicts will choose their drugs over their family. I have made of my mind as far as his addiction, it stops here for me. If I have to I will leave...the house, money, stuff none of it is worth the daily pain and loneliness I live with each day. The price is too high to pay.
I can't worry or get caught up in his addiction anymore; I realize this is going to take time and their will be may be setbacks. I am putting my focus on myself, at least doing my best. I am learning how to detach myself from anything he says or does that makes me feel worse about myself. I have to come to terms that none of this is my fault, he owns his addiction not me. If he wants to let him destroy is life and who he is he is going to do it without me.
I mentally can't take anymore of this life, it is destroying me; it is and changed who I am, the person I used to be, along with the person who I may become.
I will keep posting, I'm sure I will have many struggles and many days of doubting myself, or wanting to give into his promises of change.
Thanks again for all your help!
I am already feeling more confidence than I've felt in the last year. I reached the point of knowing things are going to change one way or another. The way my life has been for the last few years feels like I'm already dead and gone; I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by standing up for myself, taking my life back.
I told him this evening, I am not living with an addict, basically end of discussion for me. I told him I can't help him, I've tried, he has to do that for himself. Don't quit for me, I knew this would only bring resentment on his part, do it for yourself. I didn't tell him he had to quit, I'm putting the choice in his hands, but he will deal with the consequences of his choices. He did give me his bottle with the adderrall he had stockpiled on of mine...I'm sure some of you may have experienced this, so I'm not sure what happens next. The blame game, excuses, I don't know what to expect.
He can keep using and one of us will leave, o r he can get help. Totally his choice. I told him if he decides to use again, not to come home.
I realize the chances are very slim that he can quit, most addicts will choose their drugs over their family. I have made of my mind as far as his addiction, it stops here for me. If I have to I will leave...the house, money, stuff none of it is worth the daily pain and loneliness I live with each day. The price is too high to pay.
I can't worry or get caught up in his addiction anymore; I realize this is going to take time and their will be may be setbacks. I am putting my focus on myself, at least doing my best. I am learning how to detach myself from anything he says or does that makes me feel worse about myself. I have to come to terms that none of this is my fault, he owns his addiction not me. If he wants to let him destroy is life and who he is he is going to do it without me.
I mentally can't take anymore of this life, it is destroying me; it is and changed who I am, the person I used to be, along with the person who I may become.
I will keep posting, I'm sure I will have many struggles and many days of doubting myself, or wanting to give into his promises of change.
Thanks again for all your help!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
hi Brittany,
from your recent posts i can see that you are doing better and making progress already. i am finally getting a chance to sit down and write some more.
hopefully your husband will take your new approach seriously and i am praying for you to have the strength to continue as i am sure that you will. you are a strong woman and your reaching out proves that to anyone. good for you.
reflecting on your first post, i want to thank you b/c you have described many of the feelings that i have been going through. i remember just feeling tired all the time. i would wake up in the morning and just be tired before i even did anything. i have my own business and it had been like a thorn in my husbands eye. the last of his complaints about it was request to choose, either give up my business or him. the first time he asked i told him that he is free to go and that he should not bring that up any more. of course he got mad and made me feel guilty over it all the time. like you, it came to point where i would feel guilty just returning my client's phone calls when he was home (which is all the time, since he is currently unemployed). i would drive off with kids and try to call everyone back before i would get home, so he wouldn't say that i don't care about the family. all i care about is my business. how harsh. that would really hurt and it still does.
also he would be on my case about housework, which is technically according to him "my work" and he is willing to "help me". i take care of 2 kids, my business, i cook and clean house (the best i can), while he is watching tv or is being depressed in bed with his withdrawals and then i still get everything thrown in my face. true, he will help with the house, but it has to be done on his terms.
i have been away from home for 12 days now and i am still afraid to do a lot of things. i still feel like i shouldn't be allowed to do things, even if i think that they are important. sometimes i don't even know what am i supposed to be doing or am allowed to do out of fear that i will be reprimanded (and reprimanded is putting it nicely).
i don't want to make my post too long. i hope it helps some. at least know that you are not alone. we are pulling for you and you do have what it takes to get through this. whether your husband comes along or not is his choice and his responsibility. and if he chooses to do so, he still needs your permission to be part of your life. God i wish i could use some of this wisdom myself.
stay strong and it will get better.
from your recent posts i can see that you are doing better and making progress already. i am finally getting a chance to sit down and write some more.
hopefully your husband will take your new approach seriously and i am praying for you to have the strength to continue as i am sure that you will. you are a strong woman and your reaching out proves that to anyone. good for you.
reflecting on your first post, i want to thank you b/c you have described many of the feelings that i have been going through. i remember just feeling tired all the time. i would wake up in the morning and just be tired before i even did anything. i have my own business and it had been like a thorn in my husbands eye. the last of his complaints about it was request to choose, either give up my business or him. the first time he asked i told him that he is free to go and that he should not bring that up any more. of course he got mad and made me feel guilty over it all the time. like you, it came to point where i would feel guilty just returning my client's phone calls when he was home (which is all the time, since he is currently unemployed). i would drive off with kids and try to call everyone back before i would get home, so he wouldn't say that i don't care about the family. all i care about is my business. how harsh. that would really hurt and it still does.
also he would be on my case about housework, which is technically according to him "my work" and he is willing to "help me". i take care of 2 kids, my business, i cook and clean house (the best i can), while he is watching tv or is being depressed in bed with his withdrawals and then i still get everything thrown in my face. true, he will help with the house, but it has to be done on his terms.
i have been away from home for 12 days now and i am still afraid to do a lot of things. i still feel like i shouldn't be allowed to do things, even if i think that they are important. sometimes i don't even know what am i supposed to be doing or am allowed to do out of fear that i will be reprimanded (and reprimanded is putting it nicely).
i don't want to make my post too long. i hope it helps some. at least know that you are not alone. we are pulling for you and you do have what it takes to get through this. whether your husband comes along or not is his choice and his responsibility. and if he chooses to do so, he still needs your permission to be part of your life. God i wish i could use some of this wisdom myself.
stay strong and it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Brittany))) - sounds like you are making good progress. Remember...he has the choice to make. A's (addicts) CAN recover, and there are several of us here who are living proof, but it had to be our choice.
You are miles ahead of where I was, back when I was a raging codie, and I think you're doing great! Yes, we often backslide, question ourselves, wonder who the heck we are, etc. but we keep taking baby steps and it starts to feel "right".
When I first started on my addiction/codie recovery, I couldn't remember things I liked to do, was antsy with spare time because I wasn't fretting over what someone else was doing. I spent a LOT of time on here. (((Ann)) had posted some pretty pictures and I remembered how I loved to take pictures. I'm an amateur, no doubt, but got a cheap little digital camera and have a camera on my phone, and absolutely LOVE taking pictures.
I take pictures of pretty flowers, the little baby goats that I see on my way to work...it's become a way of finding so many things I'm grateful for.
I'm not saying go buy a camera and do what I did. I'm just saying that reading and posting here, helped me find ME again, and you never know when something will just click and help you take another step forward.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You are miles ahead of where I was, back when I was a raging codie, and I think you're doing great! Yes, we often backslide, question ourselves, wonder who the heck we are, etc. but we keep taking baby steps and it starts to feel "right".
When I first started on my addiction/codie recovery, I couldn't remember things I liked to do, was antsy with spare time because I wasn't fretting over what someone else was doing. I spent a LOT of time on here. (((Ann)) had posted some pretty pictures and I remembered how I loved to take pictures. I'm an amateur, no doubt, but got a cheap little digital camera and have a camera on my phone, and absolutely LOVE taking pictures.
I take pictures of pretty flowers, the little baby goats that I see on my way to work...it's become a way of finding so many things I'm grateful for.
I'm not saying go buy a camera and do what I did. I'm just saying that reading and posting here, helped me find ME again, and you never know when something will just click and help you take another step forward.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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