Dead little brother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
Dead little brother
First post:
My younger brother is at an all time low. Over the weekend he stole my mom's credit card and bought $400 worth of gift cards and traded them for drugs (Oxys and meth). To top that off he also stole two guns from him best friend's dad and traded them to his drug dealer for more drugs.
His friend told me he was up for 3 days!
Before he traded the guns in, he loaded them, went to a party doped up, and told everyone he was going "save" them. Not sure what that meant, but he freaked everyone out.
After he realized his friend's dad will kill him if he found out he stole his guns, he talked my mom into going to the drug dealers house and buying the guns back.
I feel like I'm watching my little brother die slowly. He's been to rehab 5 times. Nothing works, he doesn't care. All he cares about is being high. How can you do ~$1000 worth of meth and opiates, not sleep for 3 days and live? The laws of nature won't let this go on for much longer.
My younger brother is at an all time low. Over the weekend he stole my mom's credit card and bought $400 worth of gift cards and traded them for drugs (Oxys and meth). To top that off he also stole two guns from him best friend's dad and traded them to his drug dealer for more drugs.
His friend told me he was up for 3 days!
Before he traded the guns in, he loaded them, went to a party doped up, and told everyone he was going "save" them. Not sure what that meant, but he freaked everyone out.
After he realized his friend's dad will kill him if he found out he stole his guns, he talked my mom into going to the drug dealers house and buying the guns back.
I feel like I'm watching my little brother die slowly. He's been to rehab 5 times. Nothing works, he doesn't care. All he cares about is being high. How can you do ~$1000 worth of meth and opiates, not sleep for 3 days and live? The laws of nature won't let this go on for much longer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
The laws of nature might get beat to the punch by laws of the land, if your family would let that happen.
Has anyone in your family considered Alanon or Naranon? There are so many others who have walked your path and could help you all find a way out of the madness. Your mother is lucky to walk away alive.
Has anyone in your family considered Alanon or Naranon? There are so many others who have walked your path and could help you all find a way out of the madness. Your mother is lucky to walk away alive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
My parents really don't want to see him in jail. I told them even if he could get drugs in jail it wouldn't be as much as he's getting on the street. The problem I see is, if he goes to jail he will never be able to leave town because once he gets out he'll be on probation and that's just a black hole he'll never get out of.
We all agree he needs to get out of town and move somewhere else, away from his friends and the drug holes of our county.
He still goes to the meetings but as a rebellious, atheist 18 year old they are not the right thing for him.
We all agree he needs to get out of town and move somewhere else, away from his friends and the drug holes of our county.
He still goes to the meetings but as a rebellious, atheist 18 year old they are not the right thing for him.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
not grown up
Alot of elders/senior family members tend to be a little lenient with younger around here anyway. I think their thinking is that once in jail with a record he'll have trouble getting a job which in turn will keep in the life he's leading.
We have someone with all sorts of problems including B I G money problems. Several say we should 'loan' him MORE money because if goes bankrupt he'll never get a good job again etc... . I think many seniors like to think they are looking out for your future.
I'd say brother needs to suffer consequences and needs a change like you said. I think young addicts are at a bigger disadvantage in recovery because they're less likely to have an established life or way of life to return to. I think they also stifle their maturity which can come back and haunt them later in life. Our problem one started partying in mid teens and has maturity problems as someone approaching 50.
Good Luck! Hang in there!
We have someone with all sorts of problems including B I G money problems. Several say we should 'loan' him MORE money because if goes bankrupt he'll never get a good job again etc... . I think many seniors like to think they are looking out for your future.
I'd say brother needs to suffer consequences and needs a change like you said. I think young addicts are at a bigger disadvantage in recovery because they're less likely to have an established life or way of life to return to. I think they also stifle their maturity which can come back and haunt them later in life. Our problem one started partying in mid teens and has maturity problems as someone approaching 50.
Good Luck! Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm an RA as well as a recovering codie. I had to face my consequences (including jail) to even think of recovery.
As far as probation, he wouldn't have to stay in the same town. I moved, 3 times, while on probation, and just had to check in with the new county, have a job and do what I was supposed to.
As far as how can someone do $1000 of drugs and stay up for 3 days? I did it for over 2 years...sometimes more than $1000 in 24 hours. If I had all the money I'd spent on drugs, I could buy a really nice house
Instead, I just passed my 4-year-clean "b'day", am working at a minimum wage job, and am extremely grateful that my family/friends allowed to me to face some harsh consequences, dig a really deep hole, and figure out how to get my way back out.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As far as probation, he wouldn't have to stay in the same town. I moved, 3 times, while on probation, and just had to check in with the new county, have a job and do what I was supposed to.
As far as how can someone do $1000 of drugs and stay up for 3 days? I did it for over 2 years...sometimes more than $1000 in 24 hours. If I had all the money I'd spent on drugs, I could buy a really nice house
Instead, I just passed my 4-year-clean "b'day", am working at a minimum wage job, and am extremely grateful that my family/friends allowed to me to face some harsh consequences, dig a really deep hole, and figure out how to get my way back out.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
your precious brother is in such a downward spiral - please have your parents consider this thought - if they press charges for the theft from them that will be exponentially better than if he gets arrested for armed robbery which sounds like in his state of mind he could become involved in - if he is in jail he will be safe and sober and it will stop the madness for the moment and give everyone a chance to think and talk about where to go from here - my son was in such a spiral the last time he was arrested - he was supposed to be turning himself in on a probation violation but was one day too late - he now says that getting arrested that time saved his life
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
It is just a matter of time and it is not going to be up to anyone except the law where he goes. Moving to another town seems like a good idea but your brother has a bad drug addiction that will only follow him where ever he goes until he surrenders to the drugs and finds his way to recovery.
Rose
Rose
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry about your brother. I know the pain of watching someone you love destroy themselves and their lives.
This may be a long journey for you. I know that with my son, when he went to rehab the first time I thought he would be "cured" and when he got out we would all live happily ever after. Sadly, it rarely works that way.
What helped me, and what has helped so many of us, is to find live meetings and work on our own recovery. Meetings helped me find my balance again, and my sanity, and they helped me find a better way to live.
I no longer live every day in fear. Today I live in faith and wake up each morning tickled pink to be alive and looking forward to whatever today brings. My son is still lost in his disease, more than 15 years since that first rehab. If I hadn't found meetings and recovery for me, I am certain I would not be here to share my story.
I don't mean to scare you here. Addicts find recovery every day. Many are here at SR sharing their stories of success and courage. What I am trying to convey is how important our own recovery is as we travel this road together.
Hugs
This may be a long journey for you. I know that with my son, when he went to rehab the first time I thought he would be "cured" and when he got out we would all live happily ever after. Sadly, it rarely works that way.
What helped me, and what has helped so many of us, is to find live meetings and work on our own recovery. Meetings helped me find my balance again, and my sanity, and they helped me find a better way to live.
I no longer live every day in fear. Today I live in faith and wake up each morning tickled pink to be alive and looking forward to whatever today brings. My son is still lost in his disease, more than 15 years since that first rehab. If I hadn't found meetings and recovery for me, I am certain I would not be here to share my story.
I don't mean to scare you here. Addicts find recovery every day. Many are here at SR sharing their stories of success and courage. What I am trying to convey is how important our own recovery is as we travel this road together.
Hugs
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((MardyBum))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I am the mom of 2 addict sons, ages 32 and 37...one in prison, one says he's sober)
My heart hurts for you, watching your brother self destruct.
There came a time in my son's lives where I knew it was either they would go to jail, or die.....
My hands were tied, there was nothing I could do to save them, no amount of love was going to save them..in fact, I was "loving them to their deaths"
My only alternative was to take care of ME, and let my H.P. take care of my sons.
I would suggest maybe getting the book, "Codependent No more" by Melody Beattie, and reading it, and letting it lie around, maybe, by chance one of your mom may pick it up.
Never fear, miracles happen.
Hugs...and prayers....
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I am the mom of 2 addict sons, ages 32 and 37...one in prison, one says he's sober)
My heart hurts for you, watching your brother self destruct.
There came a time in my son's lives where I knew it was either they would go to jail, or die.....
My hands were tied, there was nothing I could do to save them, no amount of love was going to save them..in fact, I was "loving them to their deaths"
My only alternative was to take care of ME, and let my H.P. take care of my sons.
I would suggest maybe getting the book, "Codependent No more" by Melody Beattie, and reading it, and letting it lie around, maybe, by chance one of your mom may pick it up.
Never fear, miracles happen.
Hugs...and prayers....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by MardyBum 
My parents really don't want to see him in jail. I told them even if he could get drugs in jail it wouldn't be as much as he's getting on the street. The problem I see is, if he goes to jail he will never be able to leave town because once he gets out he'll be on probation and that's just a black hole he'll never get out of.
We all agree he needs to get out of town and move somewhere else, away from his friends and the drug holes of our county.
He still goes to the meetings but as a rebellious, atheist 18 year old they are not the right thing for him.
We all agree he needs to get out of town and move somewhere else, away from his friends and the drug holes of our county.
He still goes to the meetings but as a rebellious, atheist 18 year old they are not the right thing for him.
Given the family's knowledge and front row/center involvement in all of this, the family could be charged as accomplices. The family could serve serious prison time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
This is insanity.
The Police have special protocols for handling Meth addicts because they are unpredictable and extremely dangerous to themselves and others.
Your brother appears to have access to the family home and guns. Mom is negotiating with criminals for guns so her son won't take a beating.
Have you all lost your minds, here?
Please get this kid off the streets before his addicted brain destroys others.
The Police have special protocols for handling Meth addicts because they are unpredictable and extremely dangerous to themselves and others.
Your brother appears to have access to the family home and guns. Mom is negotiating with criminals for guns so her son won't take a beating.
Have you all lost your minds, here?
Please get this kid off the streets before his addicted brain destroys others.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
not their call
Originally Posted by outtolunch
I can appreciate the family does not want to see him in prison. How does the family feel about enabling a criminal who is a danger to himself and others, too? How might they feel if his addicted brain compels him to use those guns, knowing they could have prevented a disaster?
Given the family's knowledge and front row/center involvement in all of this, the family could be charged as accomplices. The family could serve serious prison time.
Given the family's knowledge and front row/center involvement in all of this, the family could be charged as accomplices. The family could serve serious prison time.
outto is 100% correct, enabling is bad enough but do NOT get involved in criminal activity period. Just hope the cops didn't have any surveillance at the time they bought back the guns. Or the drug dealer flips on them as a bargaining chip if caught. I'd consult a lawyer now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by thequest
I think their thinking is that once in jail with a record he'll have trouble getting a job which in turn will keep in the life he's leading.
Because I did not understand the seriousness and nature of her disease, all I did was make the problem worse. Her problem now is how to stay healthy because she got Hep C. I did not cause her getting another disease, but I most certainly contributed to it.
My therapist pointed out a change in location would not stop her addiction, she could find drugs anywhere. Turns out he was right. She stopped her addiction when we stopped enabling her and allowed her to feel consequences. She still lives here, too.
Mardy, is anyone in your family working any kind of recovery program? With his 5x rehab's, surely someone recommended it?
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Here's what I see......
From the look of things, the mother going to extreme actions to save her son, there is nothing anyone can do, until, he either ends up in jail, or the mother stops her enabling. Or they both end up in jail.
It sounds crazy for sure, but other than suggestions for reading literature, or meetings, this mother isn't going to change any time soon.
Mardy, if I may ask...how old are you and how old is your brother?
I didn't notice you mentioning a father, is he in the house too?
From the look of things, the mother going to extreme actions to save her son, there is nothing anyone can do, until, he either ends up in jail, or the mother stops her enabling. Or they both end up in jail.
It sounds crazy for sure, but other than suggestions for reading literature, or meetings, this mother isn't going to change any time soon.
Mardy, if I may ask...how old are you and how old is your brother?
I didn't notice you mentioning a father, is he in the house too?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by MardyBum
We all agree he needs to get out of town and move somewhere else, away from his friends and the drug holes of our county.
AB constantly tells me if we can just move it will be better. I know he is lying. He found his source for drugs within weeks of moving in here 3 years ago. AB has a way of finding out everyone's doc and what they can get him in a first meeting with someone. Comcast cable repair man, neighbors, etc.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
So sorry for your situation.
After 5 rehabs and him still wanting to play it "hard and fast," jail seems about the only thing left to try here.
It could come down to explaining to your parents that they have a choice: Death or Jail.
If they would rather have him die than go to jail, your brother is in for a very very very long fall.
Also, so what if he uses in jail (provided he's in a jail where he CAN get drugs). At least he's got a bed to sleep in, food to eat and is supervised. The "Stigma" of jail should never outweigh death here.
Meth is such a hard one. He better be prepared to lose all of his teeth and have his brain/sanity eaten away here. It's not pretty. We're still working through my recovering husband's dental issues. $5000 dollars later and we're almost halfway through.
Not to mention the fact that he had a heart attack at some point during his late twenties/early thirties (from drug use) and is on medication.
After 5 rehabs and him still wanting to play it "hard and fast," jail seems about the only thing left to try here.
It could come down to explaining to your parents that they have a choice: Death or Jail.
If they would rather have him die than go to jail, your brother is in for a very very very long fall.
Also, so what if he uses in jail (provided he's in a jail where he CAN get drugs). At least he's got a bed to sleep in, food to eat and is supervised. The "Stigma" of jail should never outweigh death here.
Meth is such a hard one. He better be prepared to lose all of his teeth and have his brain/sanity eaten away here. It's not pretty. We're still working through my recovering husband's dental issues. $5000 dollars later and we're almost halfway through.
Not to mention the fact that he had a heart attack at some point during his late twenties/early thirties (from drug use) and is on medication.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
Thank you to everyone who replied. I really appreciate your thoughts and ideas. I would like to elaborate a little bit more on the current situation.
My little brother is 18. The first time he used drugs he was 8. When I was 13 I let my boyfriend give him weed. I can't help but to feel so responsible for his addiction. Also, when I was 13 I was sexually abused and went through a very difficult time that took me about 7 years to overcome. I guess I was so mentally distraught that I didn't even think of the dangers I was putting him in.
Today I am 23 years old and I am doing very well for myself. Last year I graduated college with B.S. I completed a very prestigious internship and I now have a very good job. Despites the trouble at home, I have a very bright future. I moved very far away from home where my brother is and there's not much I can do about the situation.
About three years ago I told my parents my brother had a drug problem and they didn't believe me. They believe it now, but they never do the right thing. I'm trying to separate myself from the situation because he is not my son and it's not my choice how they choose to parent him. But it is so hard to see my mom have to go through this. My dad is in the picture, but he has a very demanding job (and always has) and just doesn't have much time or energy to devote to this. He has also already spent well over $15k for rehabs that didn't work. My brother has tired them out so much that it seems like they are just trying to get through every day, one day at a time.
My family is from a very small town and my family has resided there for several generations. Our family has a very good name. Several members have been in politics. He is really destroying our entire family. I would one day like to be a politician and I feel like I could never be because of this.
Being away from home is already a hard enough transition. Now I have the weight of my brother's life on my shoulders. The world is such a scary place.
My little brother is 18. The first time he used drugs he was 8. When I was 13 I let my boyfriend give him weed. I can't help but to feel so responsible for his addiction. Also, when I was 13 I was sexually abused and went through a very difficult time that took me about 7 years to overcome. I guess I was so mentally distraught that I didn't even think of the dangers I was putting him in.
Today I am 23 years old and I am doing very well for myself. Last year I graduated college with B.S. I completed a very prestigious internship and I now have a very good job. Despites the trouble at home, I have a very bright future. I moved very far away from home where my brother is and there's not much I can do about the situation.
About three years ago I told my parents my brother had a drug problem and they didn't believe me. They believe it now, but they never do the right thing. I'm trying to separate myself from the situation because he is not my son and it's not my choice how they choose to parent him. But it is so hard to see my mom have to go through this. My dad is in the picture, but he has a very demanding job (and always has) and just doesn't have much time or energy to devote to this. He has also already spent well over $15k for rehabs that didn't work. My brother has tired them out so much that it seems like they are just trying to get through every day, one day at a time.
My family is from a very small town and my family has resided there for several generations. Our family has a very good name. Several members have been in politics. He is really destroying our entire family. I would one day like to be a politician and I feel like I could never be because of this.
Being away from home is already a hard enough transition. Now I have the weight of my brother's life on my shoulders. The world is such a scary place.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Mardybum
Thank you for sharing more information about your situation. Addiction is such a very sad and scary disease. You have taken care of yourself by removing yourself from the eye of the storm and you're right, you can't change your parents any more than you can change your brother.
It's very scary to think that a 13 year old had access to weed (you) and no one can expect a 13 year old to make mature decisions or understand the ramifications of their actions. The whole situation is sad but you've made the best of your life and that is such a good thing. I assure you that your brother has the same opportunities. But drugs have hijacked his life.
I was concerned about the title of this thread. Your little brother isn't dead. But I understand how great that fear is for you. It is a fear that we all have. But we can't tell the future and there is no good that comes from imagining the worst outcome.
Since your brother has been through rehabs, I'm going to guess that your parents have had the opportunity to participate in the family programs that are usually offered with those programs. At least they were with the two rehabs that my son was in (although one was significantly better with the family support than the other). Your mother has had some exposure to the concept of codependence. But perhaps you could send her a book or gently recommend that she seek help in Naranon.
For you, take care of yourself. You did not cause your brother's addiction and you cannot control or cure it. You did not cause your mother's codependence and you cannot control or cure it. But you can continue to take good care of yourself and make the most of your life. Believe me......your mother appreciates that you are doing well for yourself.....you are a beautiful rainbow in her life.
gentle hugs
ke
Thank you for sharing more information about your situation. Addiction is such a very sad and scary disease. You have taken care of yourself by removing yourself from the eye of the storm and you're right, you can't change your parents any more than you can change your brother.
It's very scary to think that a 13 year old had access to weed (you) and no one can expect a 13 year old to make mature decisions or understand the ramifications of their actions. The whole situation is sad but you've made the best of your life and that is such a good thing. I assure you that your brother has the same opportunities. But drugs have hijacked his life.
I was concerned about the title of this thread. Your little brother isn't dead. But I understand how great that fear is for you. It is a fear that we all have. But we can't tell the future and there is no good that comes from imagining the worst outcome.
Since your brother has been through rehabs, I'm going to guess that your parents have had the opportunity to participate in the family programs that are usually offered with those programs. At least they were with the two rehabs that my son was in (although one was significantly better with the family support than the other). Your mother has had some exposure to the concept of codependence. But perhaps you could send her a book or gently recommend that she seek help in Naranon.
For you, take care of yourself. You did not cause your brother's addiction and you cannot control or cure it. You did not cause your mother's codependence and you cannot control or cure it. But you can continue to take good care of yourself and make the most of your life. Believe me......your mother appreciates that you are doing well for yourself.....you are a beautiful rainbow in her life.
gentle hugs
ke
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
so similar
Hi Mardy, You are in such a familiar situation. I have a younger brother who is destroying his life with drugs. My family comes from a relatively small suburban area and did have a very good reputation until my brother entered the picture. Instead of doing what was best for him, my dad and my brother's mother did the exact opposite. In the end, they were incapable of taking care of him and sent him to a residential treatment program when he was 13. I have always felt like I was doing the right thing for myself when I separated from them. The more I was taking care of my own needs, e.g. work, education, relationships, the more I felt I was on a better path of life. However, because of my awareness of what my brother is/was going through (I feel like out of everyone I understand him the most, and he has expressed that to me himself), I have always felt like I was the only one who could be of any real help to him. Charity begins at home, right? If humans are only important because of their relationships to other humans (which I believe we are), then what good am I if I am not helping my brother? Here I am, trying to find out how to actually help him without enabling him, and I am still clueless. I hope you find solutions to your situation!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 14
Unfortunately, jail probably is not the answer. My younger brother (21 years old) is a prescription drug addict and has been in and out of jail for YEARS with no change. He has also been to every rehab and drug counseling around. The problem, I believe, is that he gets out of jail/rehab and goes back to hanging around with the same losers doing the same things. The ENVIRONMENT needs to change if anything else is going to. Like you, I had enough of being around it everyday so I moved away with my current boyfriend (who I just found out is also a prescription drug addict but that's in another post), graduated college, got a job.. just can't seem to understand why my brother wants to live the life he does. I understand how you feel with being worried about him, I worry about my brother all the time, my mom told me she has been taking him to a methadone clinic for the last 3 weeks and that terrified me because my friend's boyfriend overdosed and died on methadone (they give you a take him dose on saturday because they are closed on sunday- evidently he took sunday's dose on saturday after he already had a dose for that day). It's a very scary way to live, and I think it may even be worse to watch someone you love live that way.
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