Is this common?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: nsw sydney
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Is this common?
When my AH drinks, he becomes verbally aggressive and on the odd occasion physically aggressive. When the AH becomes sober and I try to explain why I left the house and stayed with family he says to me, "oh stop being such a drama queen." this leaves me confused and also makes me question if I am over reacting.
Am I going crazy or is this a typical trait of an alcoholic??
Am I going crazy or is this a typical trait of an alcoholic??
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 50
You're definitely not going crazy, and that is definitely not UNcommon among alcoholics. Verbal and physical aggression are verbal and physical abuse. I think you are not at all overreacting, and should always trust your gut when it comes to your safety! Do you have a safe place to go when he gets like that?
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Location: nsw sydney
Posts: 55
Yes I do. I can stay with family at the drop of a hat thankfully. He hasn't always been an aggressive drunk, just over the past twelve months he is drunk more than he is sober, and the aggression I am noticing is becoming frequent.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 50
Sorry to hear about escalating circumstances, but glad you have a safe harbor. Unfortunately, as we all know, alcoholism is a progressive disease and things only get worse, instead of better 
Sending you hugs and strength.
Sending you hugs and strength.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Island of Misfit Toys
Posts: 102
Hey Want2Help,
Your post is kinda vague, you didn't explain in detail scenarios that occured, but just from the few sentences you shared, your husband feels like he might be a lot like my abusive alcoholic XBF.
You may have the classic abusive "crazy maker" alcoholic husband, it is also sometimes referred to as "gaslighting".
Here are two links that might be helpful. If they ring true on some levels for you, maybe we can swap some stories to help you feel better about your situation:
Crazy Making
Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Just remember, whatever you experienced was real, you didn't imagine it, you aren't exaggerating it. If he's physically violent with you, start making police reports, he doesn't even have to know, but it will be documented. (this is especially important if you have children and it comes down to divorce, you have to prove what's happened)
My XBF escalated further and further and then I had the police come, remove him from our home, he went willingly, arrangements were made and I have maintained strict NO CONTACT with him for over 3 years. Don't kid yourself, I had to change my number, move, block his email address, delete my MySpace page and create a new YouTube account. It was worth every step because he was the psycho, not me.
Good luck, please share if you need to.
Your post is kinda vague, you didn't explain in detail scenarios that occured, but just from the few sentences you shared, your husband feels like he might be a lot like my abusive alcoholic XBF.
You may have the classic abusive "crazy maker" alcoholic husband, it is also sometimes referred to as "gaslighting".
Here are two links that might be helpful. If they ring true on some levels for you, maybe we can swap some stories to help you feel better about your situation:
Crazy Making
Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Just remember, whatever you experienced was real, you didn't imagine it, you aren't exaggerating it. If he's physically violent with you, start making police reports, he doesn't even have to know, but it will be documented. (this is especially important if you have children and it comes down to divorce, you have to prove what's happened)
My XBF escalated further and further and then I had the police come, remove him from our home, he went willingly, arrangements were made and I have maintained strict NO CONTACT with him for over 3 years. Don't kid yourself, I had to change my number, move, block his email address, delete my MySpace page and create a new YouTube account. It was worth every step because he was the psycho, not me.
Good luck, please share if you need to.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by want2help 
When my AH drinks, he becomes verbally aggressive and on the odd occasion physically aggressive. When the AH becomes sober and I try to explain why I left the house and stayed with family he says to me, "oh stop being such a drama queen." this leaves me confused and also makes me question if I am over reacting.
Am I going crazy or is this a typical trait of an alcoholic??
Am I going crazy or is this a typical trait of an alcoholic??
It isn't a typical trait of an alcoholic either, though - it's a separate issue, called "abuse".
Alcohol may make it worse, but if he stops drinking that doesn't mean it will go away.
You may want to take a look at our book thread, and consider getting a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
You are not crazy.
And you're not alone.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Here is something I posted about 2(?) years ago about the very issue you are having. It talks about the Bancroft book mentioned above.
Among the things he makes clear in his book is that abuse - ANY type, whether it is physical, verbal, emotional or financial - is about POWER. It has nothing to with whether a person was abused as a child or they are addicted to something or have a stressful job or whatever. Plenty of people have those problems and are not abusive. Another thing he makes clear is that abuse in not a relationship problem - it is a personal problem...and its the other person's problem. The book is very insightful on the various techniques and methods used by abusive people to break down the thought patterns and self esteem of those they mistreat.
Alcohol and drugs may lower their resistance to restraining those types of behavior, but they DO NOT cause them. Attitudes about their perceived importance and your unimportance cause abuse. Not drugs and alcohol.
Hope this helps.
Among the things he makes clear in his book is that abuse - ANY type, whether it is physical, verbal, emotional or financial - is about POWER. It has nothing to with whether a person was abused as a child or they are addicted to something or have a stressful job or whatever. Plenty of people have those problems and are not abusive. Another thing he makes clear is that abuse in not a relationship problem - it is a personal problem...and its the other person's problem. The book is very insightful on the various techniques and methods used by abusive people to break down the thought patterns and self esteem of those they mistreat.
Alcohol and drugs may lower their resistance to restraining those types of behavior, but they DO NOT cause them. Attitudes about their perceived importance and your unimportance cause abuse. Not drugs and alcohol.
Hope this helps.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Yes. Common.
Please do all you can to not question your experience.
You were there. He kind of wasn't, after all, besides, my RAH still denies abusive behavior when je is sober. It's the MO of an abuser.
He wants you to question because his mind denies his bad behavior.
He wants u to join him in his denial.
Do whAt u can to document each event.
A journal will do.
When I read over what I have written I get my resolve back to remedy the problem.
Please do all you can to not question your experience.
You were there. He kind of wasn't, after all, besides, my RAH still denies abusive behavior when je is sober. It's the MO of an abuser.
He wants you to question because his mind denies his bad behavior.
He wants u to join him in his denial.
Do whAt u can to document each event.
A journal will do.
When I read over what I have written I get my resolve back to remedy the problem.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You are NOT over-dramatizing, and I agree with everything PurpleSquirrel wrote. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions, but does not, in and of itself, cause abuse or violence. Plenty of people were in relationships with partners who happily and quietly got drunk every day, with no abuse.
I suggest you contact your local Domestic Violence agency to find out how you can protect yourself. You can apply for a restraining order that will require HIM to leave the house. No one should have to tolerate abuse.
I suggest you contact your local Domestic Violence agency to find out how you can protect yourself. You can apply for a restraining order that will require HIM to leave the house. No one should have to tolerate abuse.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Island of Misfit Toys
Posts: 102
Listen to your friends here, all of this input is so important, especially to realize that it's not just the booze and it is abuse. He does want you to join in his denial- trust your heart and be safe! Don't let him hurt you or make you crazy.
*Hugs*
*Hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: nsw sydney
Posts: 55
Thanks guys. I think I will order that book. Can I get it from dymocks or a major book store does anyone know? Also. I am going to take the advice and start a journal. I have taken photos of bruises and documented the date. And police have been here once before when he was going crazy with a baseball bat, so he is known to them already as an aggressive drunk.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Want2help,
You can order the book through Amazon, I have not personally seen it at Dymocks. Amazon UK have free postage to Australia if you spend 25 pounds currently and books in the UK can be much, much cheaper than in Aus.
I am going to counseling at the moment with regards to my marriage to an alcoholic husband and verbal abuser.
My councilor has experience of alcohol and also working in prisons. She was saying that many men in prison blamed their crimes or physical abuse on alcohol but explained to them and me that drinking alcohol does not cause that. It may lower inhibitions and make it more likely but it has more to do with a persons core morals and values. Many men drink, sometimes a lot, but not all men abuse because their own values and beliefs tell them that it is not OK to abuse any woman, especially their wives.
I am getting counseling because I am very ambivalent about being married to an alcoholic. I stand up for myself much more these days and the verbal abuse has virtually stopped since I have recognized it for what it is and 'call' my AH on it when it occurs.
I have never had to cope with physical abuse and I can only imagine how damaging that can be. I know that verbal abuse itself is damaging enough. You do know that it is not healthy to want to stay in that type of relationship dont you? I know that the verbal abuse in my marriage of 22yrs has led to my unhealthy mind, in not being able to move on or wanting the life for myself that I deserve and I am working on that.
Please seek some help for your mind too, whether that's counseling or Al-anon (I do both) and do keep documenting.
You can order the book through Amazon, I have not personally seen it at Dymocks. Amazon UK have free postage to Australia if you spend 25 pounds currently and books in the UK can be much, much cheaper than in Aus.
I am going to counseling at the moment with regards to my marriage to an alcoholic husband and verbal abuser.
My councilor has experience of alcohol and also working in prisons. She was saying that many men in prison blamed their crimes or physical abuse on alcohol but explained to them and me that drinking alcohol does not cause that. It may lower inhibitions and make it more likely but it has more to do with a persons core morals and values. Many men drink, sometimes a lot, but not all men abuse because their own values and beliefs tell them that it is not OK to abuse any woman, especially their wives.
I am getting counseling because I am very ambivalent about being married to an alcoholic. I stand up for myself much more these days and the verbal abuse has virtually stopped since I have recognized it for what it is and 'call' my AH on it when it occurs.
I have never had to cope with physical abuse and I can only imagine how damaging that can be. I know that verbal abuse itself is damaging enough. You do know that it is not healthy to want to stay in that type of relationship dont you? I know that the verbal abuse in my marriage of 22yrs has led to my unhealthy mind, in not being able to move on or wanting the life for myself that I deserve and I am working on that.
Please seek some help for your mind too, whether that's counseling or Al-anon (I do both) and do keep documenting.
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