LA Lady

It seems like every time I see my A since he is out of recovery we end up fighting! And we are arguing because he can not understand why I want to take it slow and not see him all the time. I told him I want him to do the things he said he was going to do and all he can say is plans change. To me he is still procrastinating. All he wants to do is see me. When I say go get your teeth worked on like you said you were going to do, he says I am "taking his inventory". I told him it is not inventory, but my non-negotiable issues for us seeing each other again. They are no drinking, no smoking, no other women and take care of your health i.e. get teeth fixed. All he is concerned with is that I am not running after him and telling him how much I want him. He says he knows he has to change his A ways but the "attitude" seems not to have changed at all and he is eager to tell me that I have to do the changing as well. The only thing I need to change is my reaction to him. He is the Alcoholic, not me, I do not have to change anything. I go to my program and work on me and I'm liking it. He is unhappy and is being clingy. He seems more interested in pointing out my faults than working on his own. Now what do I do?! He is pushing me further away - not towards him!

liddy

For me alanon has been all about changing myself-boy I was one sick puppy and not out of the woods yet !
The serenity prayer tells me I am the only one I can fix ! Before the program I could of told anyone what they needed to do because I knew best. Today I find I knew so little the rest was my illusion of how I thought the world and those I loved should be.
Keep taking care of yourself LA and let your HP handle what you cannot.
hugs
liddy

JT

Alanon does not guarantee a positive change in a relationship.
YOU will grow and there is always the possiblilty that will grow away from him.

We just went through a thing with the Beav...he hasn't stayed here for about a week but when his PO called he wanted to come to our house to meet with him...obviously because he had not taken care of HIS business and changed his address. We said NO..he begged..we said NO...he got mad ...we said NO. We said "What part of NO don't you understand?" I bet Ward said NO 50 times in 15 minutes.

They don't want to hear us. If they hear what they don't want to hear there are many options up their sleeves to try to change our mind.

Don't listen!! Turn away from the light!! I am close to suggesting garlic and a silver bullet!!

Hugs,
JT

12stepmarce

A lot of my conflicts with others in life revolve around my having expectations of them.

I work on putting the focus on myself.....on what I expect from me.....and try to take my eyes off of others.

It's a challenge.......

The payoff is fewer arguments and less tension.

Perhaps he's just going to have to do whatever he needs to do for now.

LA Lady

I went to my meeting last night and shared this subject. I realized through them that I was indeed taking his inventory and judging and controlling all rolled up into one. I realized that I have to work on me. I thought I was doing so good until he got out of recovery and I actually had to talk with him. When we did talk, I went back into all my patterns and for the most part, he was right. I did learn last night how NOT to buy into an arguement and how I can release myself from the hook. I learned that by simply saying something like "hmm, you may be right, or I'm feeling a lot of pain right now, can we talk about this later" or whatever just to unhook and avoid the exhausting arguement. I'm looking forward to my meeting tomorrow night and seeing my A on Friday night.