saddad18

Hello,

I can't belive it. I am kicking my 18 yo daughter out of the house tomorrow if she does not agree to get some help for her addiction to drugs. Drug of choice is Heroin, but anything will do. She doesn't consider marijana a drug. I'll spare you all the gory details, as all of you on this site already know them. This is breaking my heart and I need advice from those of you who have been through this already. Just so you know she did have 6 months of residential treatment (the place was awsome for her and our family) We were considered a great success! Ha! Needless to say my wife and my normally happy go lucky 12 yo son (who deveoped a seperation anxiety this past year) are on pins and needles.

I know that this is the right step to take, but I need to know what the ground rules should be for contact, etc. It's almost such a joke....she has no job, no high school degree, no car, no phone, no money. So I am aniticpating lots of calls for help, sob stories, begging to come home. I don't know if I'm strong enough to totally cut her off. She is still only 18 and the dangers out there terrify me. I'm already crying most days

Thanks in advance for any advice.

suki44883

(((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I know how frightening it is. Does your daughter know what you are planning? Are you just following through on what you've told her before, or will this be the first she's heard of it? It doesn't really matter, because it's what you feel you have to do in order to save your sanity and that of the rest of your family.

If she has been in treatment before, then she has the tools to get help if she wants it. She'll probably stay with different friends for a while and not actually be on the street, but that gets old pretty quickly. The only advice I can give you on the phone calls would be to have a plan ready, that the entire family can go by. Something like, if you are ready to get help, we will take you, but if not, we cannot help you.

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Please take some time to read the stickies at the top of this forum and read the stories of other parents who have been in your same situation. We are here to support you.

mooselips

Hi Saddad,
When my 2 sons, both addicts were told to leave, I had a sticky notes near the phone.

The notes were to back me up, if my strength dwindled.

Also, I had the addresses for homeless shelters, and
the phone numbers, and addresses for free Rehab.

Please, like Suki said before me, read the stickies at the top of the page.

Also, are you and her mom on the same page with this plan?
It's going to be tough.

My heart hurts for you, I have sons, it must be 2 times as hard to deal with a daughter.

Hugs....and keep posting.
We're all here for you.

You may also want to find some Alanon, or Naranon mtgs. in your area.

Habit

Welcome saddad18!

Just recently, I found SR. It is a God send. It has been a life line for me over the past several weeks. I have found support,wisdom, and understanding here.

I have a 36 year old AD. Her drug of choice was heroin. After rehab she stopped shooting up. Now, she abuses prescription medication. Right now, I have NC with her.

I am so sorry for your situation.

I am praying for your family.

Hugs.

saddad18

Thanks to both of you for the reply. Yes, we had a 3 strikes rule with her after she came home from her treatment and this was always part of the plan. You are right she'll friend hop until she wears out her welcome there, so she's not exactly hitting the streets. The sticky notes by the phone sound like real good idea to keep me focused when those calls come. Yes, mom and I are together on this, thank God. We were'nt always and finally got throught that. We are looking for an Alanon meeting. I have been reading on this site the last few days and it has been so helpful, enough for me to join and post this. Thanks again, I actually feel better already!

SunriseSunset

So sorry for what you are going through. I have been dealing with my adult son's addiction for the last few years and he has been in and out of my house (currently in). In my case, after I made my son leave and after he wore out his welcome elsewhere, he called alot, sobbing, desperate, making promises. And sometimes I would just find him sitting at my door or in the yard when he didn't have anywhere to go. It's going to be tough. You and your wife need to find strength in each other and lean on each other. You will definitely need support through this process. This forum is a very helpful resource. As for Nar-Anon, they also have online meetings and a forum which is also very helpful.

Good luck to you. Hugs to your family.

dorton

Remember actions speak louder than words, on your part and hers. If you say it mean it, if you don't mean it don't say it. praying for your family.

keepinon

I "kicked out" my AD addicted to heroin after her first rehab..I don't like saying kicke out because , as they taught us in rehab, she CHOSE not to follow the rule,she CHOSE to leave. It is scary, but let me tell you.having a warm bed , food, clean clothes etc. DOES NOT PROTECT THEM.. they are heroin addicts.Their lives are in danger many times a day and giving them the comforts only prolongs and supports their disease, not their recovery.My sponsor gave me wonderful advice..let her wallow in her addiction..that means feeling every consequence...being dirty,homeless,sick,used,abused,hungy tired etc...my daughter was out for 8 months feeling all of this which left her in PAIN... enough PAIN motivates all of us.. she went back to rehab (relapsed 1st week out) continued treatment and is now over 5 months clean. Alanon saved my life and maybe hers too. We CANNOT love them to death by softening the consequences and pain.Hardest and best thing I ever did.

saddad18

Of course now she is promising to do everything I ask. She just doesn't want to go to rehab or sober living to get help. Whatever. But she offered to do daily drug test (which I am fortunate to be able to do for free) 90 meetings in 90 days, therapy, house rules, etc. Of course if she'd done this before we wouldnt be here. The only thing that has me considering this is the prospect of a daily drug test. That makes it a day by day choice for her and a day by day decision for us. If shes positive or skips out she has to leave right then and there. I dont want to cave in on threat but I'm really torn. Im honestly pessimistic but feel like I should give this a shot. Maybe it's more for me than her, but isn't this what I asked for? I do believe after considering her options, and the realization that I am serious has had some kind of effect, even beyond just where she'll sleep. We are a tight family and I think the propect of loosing us may have worked - some. I could just be prolonging the inevitable but it will certainly make it that much easier to kick her out if this fails.

Anyway, your thoughts are appreciated. I am supposed to be sleeping on it for a decision tomorrow.

saddad18

Thanks to all of you for taking time to share with me. You are all struggling and hurting too.

I want to be careful about what I'm asking. Just hearing about your experiences is very helpful. Some of you have probably been in this exact scenario before. Im not asking anyone to tell me what to do. Sorry for not phrasing things better.

God bless

keepinon

I guess some things to ask yourself might be..do I want to try to outsmart an active addict..my RAD passed drug tests a myriad of ways..like it was her job or something..are you willing to be "the warden"? I understand why you feel you need to try if she is willing..I also get why you are pessimistic.My guess is that you do not hear the surrender (or else she would probably be begging to go to treatment or sober living) that you beleive to be necissary..you probably know what recovery looks like and this ain't it..is it more like a stay of execution?..We all do what we have to do..if she isn't "with the program" undoubtedly you will find out soon either way..feel your pain. If you don't already, I would strongly suggest you go to alanon or naranon..invaluable..


also..have you detoxed her at home before?..I did , after taking daughter to ER and I thank God we had the meds to do it..was still very hard.
As for whatever anyone posts on here, advice, experience, whatever, just take what you like and leave the rest...

litehorse

prayers for you as you make this very hard decision - i sent my son out several times - he would call saying he needed to get his life straight - he would try for a while and would have to leave again -but would never seek or accept outside help - i know that whatever decision you make has two sides - what your daughter will live with and what you will live with as a result of your decision - the best thing is truly sometimes the hardest thing - my son is locked up right now and we talked just yesterday about the process of addiction - part of the process is the consequences - my belief is that the sooner the consequences are felt the better - i didn't adhere to that as much as i wish now i had - maybe my son's "process" would have been shorter

Habit

Whatever you decide to do remember the 3 C's of addiction.

You didn't Cause her addiction.
You can't Control her addiction.
You can't Cure her addition.

Continuing to pray...

kiki5711

18 yr old daughters! If I was a dinosaurs, I would have eaten mine.

mooselips

Saddad,
We parents try every solution we can find, to try to push, shove, nudge, (not sure of the right word here) but the end result is, it's all up to them, not us.
We can't do it for them.

As for daily drug testing, that's too much policing for me.

BUT, we get to do what WE feel comfortable with, no one can make the ultimate decision for you. You do what feels best for your family.

Hugs and hugs.......

JustMe100

I'm in the same boat you are with an 18-year-old heroin using daughter.

I want to add some things to what you are considering.
My daughter always passed the drug tests we gave her. IDK how, but she did.
I think if you are seeing the effects of her drug use blantantly, she is much worse than you even know, in her addiction.

It is so hard to disengage with our young daughters, who just months ago, were our legal responsibility. As parents, it is in our grain to save them from themselves.
Until they want to quit, they won't.
You HAVE to save your son at this point.
You can't make your daughter change. If love could change them, none of us would be here.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. I would love to see just one kid saved from this drug.

JustMe100

I'd like to add one more comment.
I think the addict has to learn to police themselves and I think it takes hitting rock bottom for them to learn that skill. You can't always be where she is.

EJG123

My heart goes out to you. My 22 yr old AD has been out of our home for 6 mos and it was/is pretty scary.

Chino

My RAD is 23 and a little over one year clean from IV dilaudid, and it's stronger than heroin. Eventually she saved herself, when she was tired of the consequences. One day at a time!

saddad, my daughter fooled IOP and court ordered drug tests and told me that later.

The one thing she wished that we had done earlier, was be consistent with consequences. I'm talking before addiction, too. It became a habit for her to not take us seriously because she had no reason to.

Kindeyes

Saddad
Welcome to SR......I'm glad you found us.

We all have to walk our path in the best way that we know how. None of us can really tell you what to do. Our experience is just that......our experience. I am so sorry that you are dealing with your daughter's addiction. It is heartbreaking to watch our (adult) children make such bad decisions for themselves. It goes against every fiber of our being to not help them, nurture them, and keep them from harm.

I have a 29 year old son who has been through two out patient and two in patient rehabs starting at the age of 16. It's been a very long road.....and it nearly killed me quite literally. He is now addicted to heroin. His most recent stint in an in patient rehab was only four months ago.

We have to do what we can live with and each of us walk this path and it's a really rough one. I'm glad to know that you are seeking support in Alanon (or if there is a Naranon meeting closeby I would highly recommend that as well). The bonds that I have formed at my meetings and here on SR have gotten me through some pretty rough days. And with the help of my program, I am able to concentrate at work, sleep at night, and find peace and serenity the majority of the time.

I hope you stick around. We are here to support you. You are not alone.

I'll keep you, your family, and particularly your dear daughter in my prayers.

gentle hugs