Inafishbowl

Hi there. I am a little over a month sober. I am a periodic binge drinker. I'm attending AA and have a sponser. I'm about to embark on step 4. Like some of us with kids, I felt that because the bulk of my drinking went on after bed time my daughter didn't know much. I'm realizing now how much she did see. She is 9 (almost 10). I have heard that one of the best things we alcoholics can do for our kids is to work a good solid program in AA. Although, I am getting sober for me, I have faith that me working the steps will benefit her as well. Her father was an alcoholic too and I worry deeply that she has the "allergy" too. So I had some questions and I would appreciate your input.

1) how long have you been sober and working on the 12 steps?
2) how old are your kids?
3) what changes have you seen in your kids since you've been working the program?
4) because I have been drinking for what will have been half of my daughters adult life, I find myself torn. Which do you think will have a greater hold on her little psyche? The decade drinking or the years after living sober?

Clearly there is no exact answer to that last one. But I'm struggling with the amount of damage I've caused her. I am very curious to hear anybody elses experiences with their children. Adult children as well. Thanks!

keithj

I'm intentionally ignoring some of your questions in the hopes that you will focus on actually writing that 4th Step. It's an inventory, not a judgment process. I needed to see clearly the damage I've caused. I'm not required to judge it or speculate on future outcomes.

When I did my first 4th Step, I listed my then 4 year old son under both the resentment and harms done to others parts. Like you, I thought that much of my drinking took place after I had put him to bed. All evening long, watching the clock, rushing him off so that I could start drinking the way I wanted. I ignored him, I was emotionally detached from him, I was angry that he needed me, I didn't want to do things with him. In short, I placed small band-aids on his needs, and was not present any more than absolutely necessary.

When I got sober, he was a scared, anxious, couldn't sit still, fearful child. The change was stunning. After a few months, which involved me taking the Steps and making an amends to him, he became calm, full of laughter, well-behaved and respectful, curious and outgoing. It was a breathtaking example of the ripples of recovery for the people around me, and I was barely even aware of it.

LexieCat

I'm sure I harmed my kids with my selfish behavior. Like Keith, they got in the way of my drinking and what *I* wanted to do.

Thankfully, they lived with their Dad most of the time, but in a way that's even more unfortunate--their limited time with me was short-changed.

My guys are now 22 and 24, and both think it's a little weird that I'm in AA (they are used to the weirdness, though, because their Dad was sober for six years before the oldest was born). They claim I'm the best Mom in the world--I know better, but it's nice that they say it, and maybe even believe it. I can only speculate how they might be different if I had been different.

Sugah

1) how long have you been sober and working on the 12 steps?

I've been sober eight years, four months.

2) how old are your kids?

My kids were 9 & 12 when I got sober. I married a sober alcoholic at two & a half years sober & became mom to two more. They lost their mother to alcoholism. My children are now 17, 20, 21, & 22.

3) what changes have you seen in your kids since you've been working the program?

When I first got sober, I had some significant behavioral issues with my "bio" kids. Lying, back talking, etc.

Since raising these kids (all four) with two parents working a program, some incredible things have happened. First, the behavioral issue subsided--with patience and consistency. Second, in "practicing these principles in all our affairs," we've witnessed the kids using the steps to solve problems. Seriously! They find their part in difficulties, make amends, try to extend their hand to others in need--especially their peers who have difficulties at home. No, they didn't go to Alateen. We didn't have it in our area.

4) because I have been drinking for what will have been half of my daughters adult life, I find myself torn. Which do you think will have a greater hold on her little psyche? The decade drinking or the years after living sober?

I can't answer that question. The best you can do is give her a good example, one day at a time.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

gravity

I have been sober since December 2007. My marriage ended in November 2009. I have 50/50 joint custody of my nine year old son and seven year old girl. My kids have never seen me drunk though I was missing in action or hungover around them quite often.

The break up of our family was the toughest thing I have ever faced in my life. The impact on my kids was/is severe.

My ex avoids conflict so it was completely up to me to explain things to the kids. I also provide for most of their needs like clothing, hockey/swimming, school fees, bikes, parties, etc. I try to take them to their hockey/swimming practices even on those days when I don't have custody. I take them on "mini-vacations" in a nearby city. We go fishing, swimming, sliding, skating, hockey games...it's a blast! My ex does what she can but she has her issues. She is doing her best I think.

Their love and trust in me is 100%. They know they are safe, that they have a home. I am a reliable, responsible father. They are going to be okay.

I am posting this not to tell you what a great parent I am but rather to show what AA and my sobriety means to my kids. I don't even want to think what the two most important people in my life would be going through if I was still drinking. No joint custody, limited financial support, an absent father...maybe even no home.

Make sobriety your #1 priority. Things may not work out perfectly but they will work out the best they possibly can.

Tommyh

1) how long have you been sober and working on the 12 steps?
22 1/2 years as of now

my son was 5 when I got sober
my daughter was 6 weeks old

2) how old are your kids?
now my son is 28 and my daughter is 22

3) what changes have you seen in your kids since you've been working the program?
they don`t remember the drinking and insane behavior,but I have seen AA`s influence at times make a incredible chamnge in them and their attitudes.

4) because I have been drinking for what will have been half of my daughters adult life, I find myself torn. Which do you think will have a greater hold on her little psyche? The decade drinking or the years after living sober?

the years you may have ahead sober will influence them more than the past years if you do it right.Any damage she has can probably be repaired.Both of my kids turned out very well.I also have a grand daughter almost 3 yrs old

hopefully,your daughter will never have to see Mom drink again

Jfanagle

1) how long have you been sober and working on the 12 steps?

11-1/2 years

2) how old are your kids?

When I stopped drinking, ages 11 thru 20. Two Boys and Two Girls

3) what changes have you seen in your kids since you've been working the program?

Open discussion and a loving relationship with all of them. They saw me change my
life and when they have had problems they felt comfortable coming to me with theirs.
Including my #2 Son who had a drug and alcohol problem in college and last October
celebrated 10 years sober. My oldest son is a Deputy Sherriff in Riverside CA, the sober
son is an Accountant, married to a Dr. with a lovely daughter. The Daughters, one is a
teacher in NYC and the baby daughter is an entertainment director for Disneyland. All of
them have used our experience of my getting sober to help temper the way they deal
with folks with substance problems. From the Sherriff to the Teacher. (Their words not
not mine.)

4) because I have been drinking for what will have been half of my daughters adult life, I find myself torn. Which do you think will have a greater hold on her little psyche? The decade drinking or the years after living sober?

SEE ANSWER TO #3! Your children remember strength and determination when it is used
to make their lives better because you are a better parent.

It isn't if or when you fall down, it is if you get back up that the kids remember.

Best of luck,
Jon

pattenat

1) how long have you been sober and working on the 12 steps?

42 days today, you and I signed up here on SR about the same time. I remember reading your first posts. I'm in the midst of Step 4 myself.

2) how old are your kids? 13, 17 and 20

3) what changes have you seen in your kids since you've been working the program?

In them not a whole lot. They didn't have the problem, I did. However they tell me on a daily basis how much they love me and are proud of what I'm doing. See they weren't sheltered from my problem. Joint custody, with me 1/2 the time and with the jacka$$ XH 1/2 the time. He's so neglectful they would have much rather been here with me while I was drinking than with him. The only part of my drinking that they really could not stand were the arguments between my husband now and myself. Horrribe, horrible, horrible, arguments!!!

4) because I have been drinking for what will have been half of my daughters adult life, I find myself torn. Which do you think will have a greater hold on her little psyche? The decade drinking or the years after living sober?

My older daughter is married and has her own family now. We haven't had the opportunity to discuss things yet. We will when I get to Step 8. But she has told me that she's proud of me and we have been talking more lately.

Funny my 17 year old and I were just talking about this the other day. She told me as far as she was concerned I was only hurting myself. That I've always been a good mother. She also said I see things in your relationship with Ed (my husband) that I know I will never put up with in my life. I know seeing all the arguments and watching me destroy myself was hard for her. She says she has faith and knows now that I'm doing the right thing and tells me every day how proud she is of me.

My 13 year old is totally supportive and comes and sits by me at night when I'm posting or watching TV and cuddles now. I asked him how come you never did this before? He said he couldn't stand the smell of the alcohol on me. And was always worried that my husband would yell at him and that would make me drink more because of them not getting along. He's my little spit fire.

I've always been and done for my kids the way any good parent would. I never neglected them during my drinking. Always made competitions, always drove them here and there, always participated in the things I was expected to be a part of. I didn't allow the alcohol make me push them away.

I think my kids have obviously seen the effects of what alcohol can do when misused. I really think they're bright enough to think twice, I hope they're bright enough to think twice. I've always been open with my kids, especially now that they're older. They know they can come and talk to me about anything and they do. It's always been that way. My 17 yr old daughter has been to the Alano club I belong to with me twice and enjoys going and meeting the people. Says they're some of the nicest people she's ever met in her life. She enjoys the repor I have with everyone. I have to admit. Since my divorce things have not been easy for them, especially during the XH parenting time. I do worry about them turning to drugs or alcohol when they get older because of some the painful things they have been through. Having seen it first hand if that's the road they choose then it will become their own battle. I'm glad it hasn't been this way forever for them. I've been a heavy drinker (out of control) for about 5 years. And they can see now that if it ever does become a problem there's a way out. Hopefully they'll never find out.

That's all I have to say about that.....

Inafishbowl

Thanks very much. I'm thinking of taking her to a pre-teen Alateen meeting. I've encouraged her to keep all of the recent drama to herself with respect to her friends at school. She knows she can talk to me, my husband, my dad, my sisters etc. It's hard to navigate those waters. I do want to protect my reputation not just for me, but for her as well. But she needs to talk about this crap too and I don't want her to feel all alone with her little tender feelings. Anyone have experience with this? There is a meeting next Tuesday for 4-11 year olds. She's almost 10. I can't imagine 4 year olds in a meeting.

dbearw

I would definitely take her to the meeting for kids. Not an Alateen (just my opinion)


To your questions
In AA for 4 yrs- have about 2 years- but never had a drink at home during relapse so it's been 4 yrs since they've seen me drinking.

2. 7 &9

3. My 7 year old understands nothing about alcohol. She sees her uncle and grandmother drink and thinks they drink yukky drinks. The 9 year old does, but mostly what he learned at school about alcohol. He did say he was around some drunk teenagers (brothers of a friend) and he just said they talked loud. He won't be there again. They both know that their parents don't drink alcohol because it makes us feel bad, but we used to. They know I go to AA meetings and that it's because I quit drinking alcohol but they don't really seem that interested.

4. I think the Jr high years are the absolute most important developmental times. My good friend is the counselor for a jr. high and calls them the "make them or break them" years. As I child of an alcoholic family, I too don't remember it being any kind of a deal until around 6th grade. My parents were never abusive, just drunk.

You're on the right path, and all you can do is stay sober today. I would talk with her about it, but don't worry if she's ok and doesn't have much to share. At this point she'll trust you still.