Andee

Hi i'm Andee i'm 27 years old. I have been with my husband for 7 years married for 3 of those years. he has been sober for 3 months now. he had a pain pill addiction for about 4 years. he had an overdose on November 24th after that he made it a point to get sober and has done great going to meetings he's in a program with a doctor also and we're in marriage counseling to try and rebuild the trust and everything that was broken due to the drug addiction. well the thing is as happy as i am that he is sober, if i feel like AA is taking over his life and he's for getting about "our life" everything just keeps changing AA has changed him so much to the point i feel like i don't know him i feel very uncomfortable around him. when he isn't at aa it's all he talks about it's all he reads about. i just feel like he wanted pills more than he wanted me for so long and now i feel like AA is taking my place i don't feel wanted or needed by him. i never gave up on him once all the times he didn't come home, all the names i was called, all the times he told me he didn't love me or wanna be with me. the night he had his overdose he called and i went right to him found him in the middle of the road the car running hinm in the driver seat pills everywhere and him out cold. i was so scared he was dead. well for the first month he was sober things were amazing i couldn't ask for anything better it was so nice having him back the man i loved the man i knew i didn't have to ask anything out of him my feelings were at the top of his list our relationship was also. and now it's not things are very weird with us we don't really talk we don't do anything i don't feel loved i don't feel like he cares anymore i feel like the only thing on his mind is AA i know he needs it but i need him too.

i thought when he got sober we would have our lives back it almost seems harder now than when he was on drugs and drinking. we seemed to be on the right track for a while i was even trying to trust him til his old drug dealer called he said he didn't know why he called hes also passed all his drug tests thats a +. but after that things seemed to get off track. i just feel very broken and lost i feel like i'm losing him once again i feel likee AA is gonna change him so much it's going to push us apart. i just want hin sober but i want the person i know and love back! we are starting to fight alot more about it and i just don't like it. i would never ask him to stop going to his meetings i know how much he needs them and how much he enjoys going hes made good friends there. i just feel like theres no room for me anymore and for so long everythings been about him and his drug addiction then i got to see what it was like to have hinm back then it changed again. all in 3 months i understand 3 months is a long time to be sober but 3 months isn't long on my end for the years i went threw hell with him. i hope someone can help me cause i just don't know what to do anymore. i try talking to him about it and it just turns into a fight and i get called nasty names so i don't even bother anymore it really gets me no where i get told "you wanted this!" yes i wanted him sober but i didn't want him to change everything i knew and loved so much about him. we had such a great life before the drugs i just want it back. i myself have never even been drunk so all this is pretty new to me still i just need some support myself with this.

thanks,
Andee

keepinon

First off..3 months is great, but not a long time at all..I had alot of fantasies about the way my loved one would be when she got sober..while some of them came tru, most did not...getting sober doesn't fix everything, it really is only the beginning..do you go to naranon? I go to alanon and it has truly changed my life.

Andee

well he makes 3 months seem like 3 years so i thought it was a long time. and no i haven't gone to any kind of meetings or anything for myself. i went to two AA meetings with my husband and that's it.

keepinon

The best gift you can give yourself and your husband is to work a parrallel recovery program..it will help you understand what he is doing, and help you with setting and maintaining your own boundaries..

Sunshine2

Andee, as said, he really needs to focus on his recovery. Give him some time.

I doubt that you will ever have your life back the way it was before drugs. Too much happened.

Life could go different ways from here: You could resent what is happening so much that you leave him. He may relapse and you are back to where you were, or you could work on your own recovery and your relationship could go deeper and better and different. Or it could be a combination of those.

If I were you I would work on my own recovery and see where that leads.

Chino

The person he was is how he got here to this point. He has to change the person he was if he's going to recover from the person he became.

The same goes for us on this side of the fence.

rose

I think it is very important that you find something just for you, some independances. Probably a great time right now to focus on it, like many of us we go from I to we and he, somewhere back down the road we lose the me myself and I. I agree with the above posts, give al-anon or nar-anon a good try. They are support groups for us, we learn to look after ourselves, meet many others who are going through the same situations.

It is hard I understand, but sadly your husband is sick with a desease called addiction that if not looked after it can cost him his life. Like many other deseases cancer, heart ect. they all require life changes.

Rose

Kindeyes

Andee
Welcome to SR....I hope you find comfort here.

As others have said, he does need to focus on his recovery right now. He does need to change who he was in order to prevent relapse.

So.....what can you do? Well, you have choices. We always have choices. You can let things go along status quo and see what happens. Or you can pursue your own recovery. When we deal for years with addiction in our lives, the addict isn't the only one who becomes very sick. We also become VERY sick. We need help as much as they do. It is not unusual for us to be in a state of denial over this. After all, WE weren't the ones taking pills, drinking until we blacked out, or shooting heroin in our veins! But believe me, living with that nonsense does make us very sick....emotionally and psychologically.

The best chance that an addict has for recovery is when they throw themselves into the process--it consumes them and fills the void that the drugs once had in their lives. Their chances of success become even greater when their loved ones (particularly their enablers) throw themselves into a parallel recovery. How does one do that? Naranon and Alanon are two of the most common ways to understand the process and get help for ourselves. Reading and understanding codependence, enabling, and addiction is very helpful.

I'd be willing to bet that if you join him in parallel recovery, your perspective of his recovery will adjust. He will feel your support and it can draw you closer together. Right now, he may be viewing you as a henderance to his recovery and I doubt that is what you want.

gentle hugs