New Person
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Liverpool
Posts: 2
New Person
This will be kind of long I imagine.
I am mentally ill. Pretty severe Schizophrenia and Depression. And social anxiety. I drink because it actually makes my mental state far better. I get the typical symptoms of schizophrenia, voices and stuff but I also get uh... physically controlled by other forces. Sometimes they make me go and buy alcohol even when I don't want to. Other times it is me who buys the alcohol, I am fully willing to admit to that fact.
But yeah, I get this insane anger sometimes and even just drinking a couple of shots will distract me from that anger. It is always anger from something breaking or not going right, like with video games. If I don't drink I stay furious and take it out on other people verbally. This can be very stressful because I feel like my emotions are completely out of my control and drinking seems to be the only option that works.
I am on medication, I have tried most of the available anti-psychotics and they don't work. The only positive thing that has come from them is that I sleep better due to them having a sedative factor. I used to have severe nightmares so this has made my life slightly more manageable, but simply not good enough. There is one more anti-psychotic (generally accepted to be a last resort) that has been suggested to me but, funnily enough, the one I am on now causes me to have an erratic sleep pattern so I can't currently go through the regular blood tests required to go on the new medication. And the doctor doesn't want me to go off the meds I am on now so I don't know what to do. Plus going off an anti-psychotic without going onto another one straight away can have horrible withdrawal symptoms.
Anyway, to the drinking. Drinking only changes my behaviour for the positive to the people around me. They agree. It takes away the anxiety. It stops the anger. The only real change, to the way I am in a good mood when I am not drinking, is that I am slightly more talkative.
I think would call myself an alcoholic. I only drink a couple of times a week but it is over several hours and, as my aunty told me, the fact that I most often do it when I am alone is not a good thing. I probably have a couple of shots on other days too.
But man, it is just... it gets out of control. Then I start drinking just because the alcohol is there. I don't drink two days in a row. But the fact is that blood tests have showed that I have a fatty liver and need to stop drinking.
With the mental illness I don't know what I am supposed to do. Everything TV tells you about alcoholics (I watch hours and hours of TV a day including having seen most of the Intervention series') is just not me. I don't let it affect how I treat other people in a negative way. I don't steal to get alcohol. I don't get drunk more than a couple of times a week. I don't know where I fit in. It is a problem, I know it is. I know if I keep drinking it will wreck my liver. I go through periods where I don't drink for like a month but then POW 'they' take me to the booze store.
Another thing is that when 'they' send me there and I drink afterward, usually at those times the alcohol doesn't work the same way, for the positive. It makes me feel like crap actually. But then I always have some left over and drink a couple of days later and it's good again. I am trying not to be inconsistant with what I am saying, it's just... it's a very complicated situation as I'm sure a lot of you understand. Plus the alcohol is inconsistant too... most of the time it is good but other times when it wears off I feel worse than when I started.
It's horrible. Alcohol is just a bandaid over an axe wound. I really wish I could stop myself from drinking but it is just so easy to fall back into negative patterns when I can't actually see what it is doing to my liver. Usually to stop myself from doing something bad for me I need a negative reaction, a reason to stop. But in this case it works most of the time, it's a short term fix.
I unfortunately live in the moment (not by choice, it's the way my brain works) so it is very hard for me to get past what I need immediately to see what I will need in the future. I guess part of it is residue from depression, thinking I would not live to be older so nothing in the future matters. For anyone curious my depression is situational. It comes and goes, depending on what happens around me, or the random bouts of crippling emotional pain I have at times. The pain is just a part of my fantastic mental illness combo.
Anyway, I've gone on for a long time. Any advice is greatly appreciated. With things that way they are now I worry for my health so really, anything you can say to help me would be super.
Also, I read something someone said in another thread. 'to stop drinking you need to want to stop more than to take another drink'.
I don't know whether this is me yet, which I feel kind of bad about because I know you all try so hard. I feel like I shouldn't even be posting this because I sound like I don't take it seriously as other people do.
I just know that if I don't stop it's detrimental to my health. And I don't want to wait until I need to go to a hospital, which I can't afford anyway. I don't think I am close to that, but if I keep drinking I will eventually get there.
It's like, I just wish I wasn't mentally ill. I hate it so much. I hate not controlling my thoughts and actions, and just when I'm in a state where I haven't had anything to drink for a while and have no interest in doing so, I have an attack of the mentals and I'm back at the booze shop buying alcohol yet again.
Sigh
Thanks for reading.
I am mentally ill. Pretty severe Schizophrenia and Depression. And social anxiety. I drink because it actually makes my mental state far better. I get the typical symptoms of schizophrenia, voices and stuff but I also get uh... physically controlled by other forces. Sometimes they make me go and buy alcohol even when I don't want to. Other times it is me who buys the alcohol, I am fully willing to admit to that fact.
But yeah, I get this insane anger sometimes and even just drinking a couple of shots will distract me from that anger. It is always anger from something breaking or not going right, like with video games. If I don't drink I stay furious and take it out on other people verbally. This can be very stressful because I feel like my emotions are completely out of my control and drinking seems to be the only option that works.
I am on medication, I have tried most of the available anti-psychotics and they don't work. The only positive thing that has come from them is that I sleep better due to them having a sedative factor. I used to have severe nightmares so this has made my life slightly more manageable, but simply not good enough. There is one more anti-psychotic (generally accepted to be a last resort) that has been suggested to me but, funnily enough, the one I am on now causes me to have an erratic sleep pattern so I can't currently go through the regular blood tests required to go on the new medication. And the doctor doesn't want me to go off the meds I am on now so I don't know what to do. Plus going off an anti-psychotic without going onto another one straight away can have horrible withdrawal symptoms.
Anyway, to the drinking. Drinking only changes my behaviour for the positive to the people around me. They agree. It takes away the anxiety. It stops the anger. The only real change, to the way I am in a good mood when I am not drinking, is that I am slightly more talkative.
I think would call myself an alcoholic. I only drink a couple of times a week but it is over several hours and, as my aunty told me, the fact that I most often do it when I am alone is not a good thing. I probably have a couple of shots on other days too.
But man, it is just... it gets out of control. Then I start drinking just because the alcohol is there. I don't drink two days in a row. But the fact is that blood tests have showed that I have a fatty liver and need to stop drinking.
With the mental illness I don't know what I am supposed to do. Everything TV tells you about alcoholics (I watch hours and hours of TV a day including having seen most of the Intervention series') is just not me. I don't let it affect how I treat other people in a negative way. I don't steal to get alcohol. I don't get drunk more than a couple of times a week. I don't know where I fit in. It is a problem, I know it is. I know if I keep drinking it will wreck my liver. I go through periods where I don't drink for like a month but then POW 'they' take me to the booze store.
Another thing is that when 'they' send me there and I drink afterward, usually at those times the alcohol doesn't work the same way, for the positive. It makes me feel like crap actually. But then I always have some left over and drink a couple of days later and it's good again. I am trying not to be inconsistant with what I am saying, it's just... it's a very complicated situation as I'm sure a lot of you understand. Plus the alcohol is inconsistant too... most of the time it is good but other times when it wears off I feel worse than when I started.
It's horrible. Alcohol is just a bandaid over an axe wound. I really wish I could stop myself from drinking but it is just so easy to fall back into negative patterns when I can't actually see what it is doing to my liver. Usually to stop myself from doing something bad for me I need a negative reaction, a reason to stop. But in this case it works most of the time, it's a short term fix.
I unfortunately live in the moment (not by choice, it's the way my brain works) so it is very hard for me to get past what I need immediately to see what I will need in the future. I guess part of it is residue from depression, thinking I would not live to be older so nothing in the future matters. For anyone curious my depression is situational. It comes and goes, depending on what happens around me, or the random bouts of crippling emotional pain I have at times. The pain is just a part of my fantastic mental illness combo.
Anyway, I've gone on for a long time. Any advice is greatly appreciated. With things that way they are now I worry for my health so really, anything you can say to help me would be super.
Also, I read something someone said in another thread. 'to stop drinking you need to want to stop more than to take another drink'.
I don't know whether this is me yet, which I feel kind of bad about because I know you all try so hard. I feel like I shouldn't even be posting this because I sound like I don't take it seriously as other people do.
I just know that if I don't stop it's detrimental to my health. And I don't want to wait until I need to go to a hospital, which I can't afford anyway. I don't think I am close to that, but if I keep drinking I will eventually get there.
It's like, I just wish I wasn't mentally ill. I hate it so much. I hate not controlling my thoughts and actions, and just when I'm in a state where I haven't had anything to drink for a while and have no interest in doing so, I have an attack of the mentals and I'm back at the booze shop buying alcohol yet again.
Sigh
Thanks for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Welcome sarahan 
good to have you with us.
I think it's good you've realised how detrimental alcohol is for you.
Alcohol is never the best 'medication' because not only do most of us find it eventually ceases to work, but it invariably impacts negatively on us in many ways, as well as on any other medications we might be taking.
Have you spoken to your Dr about your alcohol problems, sarahan?
D
good to have you with us.
I think it's good you've realised how detrimental alcohol is for you.
Alcohol is never the best 'medication' because not only do most of us find it eventually ceases to work, but it invariably impacts negatively on us in many ways, as well as on any other medications we might be taking.
Have you spoken to your Dr about your alcohol problems, sarahan?
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 665
Welcome Sarahan!
You will find a lot of support on this site. Your post contains so much that everyone here can relate to. I think being honest with your doctor about your alcohol use is important.
I know that for most, schizophrenia is a lifelong illness. But, for reasons unknown, it does go away for some people. After being institutionalized for schizophrenia for over 30 years, my brother is now leading a fairly normal life, without the voices and demons. Our family was never made aware of this possibility until after he started getting better.
I know how difficult this illness is to cope with. Check in often to let us know how you are doing. :ghug3
You will find a lot of support on this site. Your post contains so much that everyone here can relate to. I think being honest with your doctor about your alcohol use is important.
I know that for most, schizophrenia is a lifelong illness. But, for reasons unknown, it does go away for some people. After being institutionalized for schizophrenia for over 30 years, my brother is now leading a fairly normal life, without the voices and demons. Our family was never made aware of this possibility until after he started getting better.
I know how difficult this illness is to cope with. Check in often to let us know how you are doing. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Liverpool
Posts: 2
Thanks folks. Nice to meet you all.
I will talk to my doctor about it the next time I see him. I'm going away overseas for 5 months though, which I think will make my life better because I will be with my boyfriend full time, and when I am around him in person I seem to not need to drink as much. I'll be crossing my fingers that that is the case.
But yeah, if it keeps going over there I will try to contact an alcohol counsellor or something. I will still talk to my doctor though before I go over there.
I will talk to my doctor about it the next time I see him. I'm going away overseas for 5 months though, which I think will make my life better because I will be with my boyfriend full time, and when I am around him in person I seem to not need to drink as much. I'll be crossing my fingers that that is the case.
But yeah, if it keeps going over there I will try to contact an alcohol counsellor or something. I will still talk to my doctor though before I go over there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: London, England
Posts: 211
Welcome Sarahan,
I have seen people come through very harsh mental difficulties and achieve massive progress once the drink is put down. It is like throwing petrol/gasoline onto an already out of control fire. You are very self aware and that will help you massively in your journey. I hope that you find some peace and that the forum helps
I have seen people come through very harsh mental difficulties and achieve massive progress once the drink is put down. It is like throwing petrol/gasoline onto an already out of control fire. You are very self aware and that will help you massively in your journey. I hope that you find some peace and that the forum helps
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