support from partner?
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support from partner?
How did your husbands/wives/partners support you during your journey, especially at the beginning?
I ask because I feel very unsupported. Even though she flaunts to the world that she's THE picture of support... Al-Anon meetings (3 so far), made me an appointment for outpatient rehab evaluation (I'm now in a 6 wk program) and went to an open AA meeting with me.
She keeps threatening to leave, screaming and yelling, throwing insults and making me feel too too tiny. She throws all of her supportive actions in my face as huge inconveniences to her. Then the next day she feels better and says she's by my side through thick and thin.
She doesn't trust me and I understand that because I lied over and over again about my drinking. First by not telling her about my problems at all (just told her 4 weeks ago or less, she had zero idea and still says so) and then by slipping up, getting drunk a few times and lying about it only for her to find out. But I'm at my breaking point as it is with the shame and depression and hopelessness still in my mind and body. The screaming and belittlement is crushing.
I told her she cannot treat me like dirt. She said that's like the pot calling the kettle black. Like now she has a right to say almost anything because of my actions.
I know she needs to get her feelings out there. I hurt her and the idea of a partner you thought you knew so well suddenly being an alcoholic in rehab IS a lot to handle.
I guess I'm not really looking for a solution, just wondering what others have gone through?
I ask because I feel very unsupported. Even though she flaunts to the world that she's THE picture of support... Al-Anon meetings (3 so far), made me an appointment for outpatient rehab evaluation (I'm now in a 6 wk program) and went to an open AA meeting with me.
She keeps threatening to leave, screaming and yelling, throwing insults and making me feel too too tiny. She throws all of her supportive actions in my face as huge inconveniences to her. Then the next day she feels better and says she's by my side through thick and thin.
She doesn't trust me and I understand that because I lied over and over again about my drinking. First by not telling her about my problems at all (just told her 4 weeks ago or less, she had zero idea and still says so) and then by slipping up, getting drunk a few times and lying about it only for her to find out. But I'm at my breaking point as it is with the shame and depression and hopelessness still in my mind and body. The screaming and belittlement is crushing.
I told her she cannot treat me like dirt. She said that's like the pot calling the kettle black. Like now she has a right to say almost anything because of my actions.
I know she needs to get her feelings out there. I hurt her and the idea of a partner you thought you knew so well suddenly being an alcoholic in rehab IS a lot to handle.
I guess I'm not really looking for a solution, just wondering what others have gone through?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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I detached from my wife, as much as possible, regarding this whole recovery thing... admittedly that was close to impossible to do early on... but now, it's only a problem when my AA meetings may conflict with other activities... and I usually defer to family these days....
That is my experience....
Have you tried detaching as much as possible?
That is my experience....
Have you tried detaching as much as possible?
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I guess I don't know exactly what you mean by "detaching"?
I tried to have coffee after AA on Friday and then hang out with friends for a couple of hours on Saturday. Both set her off even more. Apparently it imposes on that little together time we now have because of my problems.
I tried to have coffee after AA on Friday and then hang out with friends for a couple of hours on Saturday. Both set her off even more. Apparently it imposes on that little together time we now have because of my problems.
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ahh...
She may be threatened by AA and your new routines, etc... I got a little of that, but thankfully not too much... my wife does get a little cranky when I do other, not strictly AA stuff,... skiing, hunting, stuff like that with my AA buddies... "Why can't you do that with your "regular" friends?" that kind of thing, but it's minimal and I let it roll of my back... while of course trying to stay sensitive to her needs...
Balance....
Balance takes time and practice... It gets easier, I promise
Stay the course, get recovered, these things have a way of working out... don't internalize and feel all guilty... you are doing the right thing for you and ultimately the both of you.
She may be threatened by AA and your new routines, etc... I got a little of that, but thankfully not too much... my wife does get a little cranky when I do other, not strictly AA stuff,... skiing, hunting, stuff like that with my AA buddies... "Why can't you do that with your "regular" friends?" that kind of thing, but it's minimal and I let it roll of my back... while of course trying to stay sensitive to her needs...
Balance....
Balance takes time and practice... It gets easier, I promise
Stay the course, get recovered, these things have a way of working out... don't internalize and feel all guilty... you are doing the right thing for you and ultimately the both of you.
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Thanks, Mark! You're right about her feeling threatened by my new AA and recovery friends. She doesn't deny those feelings so I'm trying to do better about making sure she can meet them before I do something with them. Put her mind at ease. She's got it in her mind from movies and Al-Anon (unfortunately she's been told some stories) that us AA and rehab people hook up all the time and leave our signif others. UGH. The truth is it could happen anywhere... work, traveling for work, at the gym, AA, Al-Anon. It's about being faithful, not about being sober or not sober.
And actually, neither of us has met "new" friends since being together. We just sort of merged our two groups of friends together and called it good. So it's a new experience for either of us to hang out with someone the other doesn't know or know well. So I should be more understanding. However, I would welcome the news that she'd received an invitation to hang out with Al-Anon friends, having met them or not. She needs to vent, too!
And actually, neither of us has met "new" friends since being together. We just sort of merged our two groups of friends together and called it good. So it's a new experience for either of us to hang out with someone the other doesn't know or know well. So I should be more understanding. However, I would welcome the news that she'd received an invitation to hang out with Al-Anon friends, having met them or not. She needs to vent, too!
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Originally Posted by OleShippat 
Perhaps she see's her actions as being unappreciated, whether she is or not. I am not sure but it is a difficult situation to be in for both of you. I hope you are able to work it out tho!
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
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Silly-
I have nothing to add except I am always very impressed with those of you who get sober while in a relationship. That's gotta be tough...
All my girlfriends kicked me to the curb, so by the time I got sober I was single and stayed that way on purpose.
I'm only now, after a year of sobriety, even thinking of dating again.
Just know that I'm with you in spirit and there may not be a correct answer.
It may just be.
Kjell
I have nothing to add except I am always very impressed with those of you who get sober while in a relationship. That's gotta be tough...
All my girlfriends kicked me to the curb, so by the time I got sober I was single and stayed that way on purpose.
I'm only now, after a year of sobriety, even thinking of dating again.
Just know that I'm with you in spirit and there may not be a correct answer.
It may just be.
Kjell
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
LOL... my wife has no interest in meeting my recovery buddies... and she is a card carrying member of Al-A-NOT...
I guess by detach, I am suggesting you look at the level of involvement that you need from her... All couples are different... But one recurring theme is to detach somewhat when it comes to recovery...
I would look at that a little... does she not trust you not to hook-up?
I guess by detach, I am suggesting you look at the level of involvement that you need from her... All couples are different... But one recurring theme is to detach somewhat when it comes to recovery...
I would look at that a little... does she not trust you not to hook-up?
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Continually belittling or insulting another human being in any context is unacceptable. I hope this aspect of your problem can be resolved one way or another, because I believe one partner continually denigrating his or her spouse signals the death knell of a relationship.
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Mark,
She has no reason to believe that I'd "hook-up" with anyone from anywhere for any reason. I've never in my life been unfaithful to a partner.
This is all just an incredible and difficult journey that's only just begun. Nobody knows what tomorrow will look like. So for today, I'm going to stay sober and work as hard as I can to be a good person and a good partner.
She has no reason to believe that I'd "hook-up" with anyone from anywhere for any reason. I've never in my life been unfaithful to a partner.
This is all just an incredible and difficult journey that's only just begun. Nobody knows what tomorrow will look like. So for today, I'm going to stay sober and work as hard as I can to be a good person and a good partner.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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I didn't necessarily try to imply that you have been unfaithful... but why does she imply that.... I get the feeling she's just striking out, reacting, resentful... throwing anything and everything up... detach from that drama if you can... Detachment is not about not being concerned or caring...
Yea, it has only just begun. One day at a time my friend... Work on you and getting recovered... things will fall into place... time takes time (I know, damn slogans
)
Yea, it has only just begun. One day at a time my friend... Work on you and getting recovered... things will fall into place... time takes time (I know, damn slogans
)
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Experience early on was tempered by knowing I had to maintain sobriety as my number one priority - even if it cost me dearly in interpersonal relationships. So, like Mark, I detached from anything that could potentially push the buttons on my illness. My life literally depended on it, so it's not really like I had a choice. No doubt your life also depends on your sobriety as well. When anyone got in my face I would hear sirens and see flashing lights, because I knew it was dangerous to my then tenuous hold on sanity/sobriety.
Sounds to me like your wife is pushing your buttons by lashing out, and that is not healthy, given your undertaking. Just remember that when people get hurt it's only natural to lash out at someone. No doubt you've betrayed her, no doubt she's been damaged to her core by the lies and offenses. But at the same time, you cannot live every day in guilt or regret, you must turn it over and let it go. Hurt people want their offenders to feel equal parts of shame, regret and pain, and this knee jerk emotional response is possibly what motivates her outbursts. But being constantly reminded of "the things you've done" is exactly counterproductive to your only real priority, sobriety. I found it a text book example of a catch 22.
As for the screaming and belittling, my wife was extremely guilty of that. I even got slapped and kicked a few times. The flying coffee pot was the last thing I allowed her to get away with. Once I truly wanted sobriety over anything else, her need to make me feel small was irrelevant to me. Sounds selfish, but it wasn't, it was necessary, for me anyway. To stop her outbursts from affecting my recovery I'd tune it out, walk away, leave the room, leave the house for a long walk. In fact, whenever the world around me gets noisy and hits nerves inside my psyche I keep saying to myself "none of this is as important as maintaining my sobriety, full stop", given that perspective the solutions present themselves to me always.
I don't see anything wrong with you explaining - at one sit down and when you're both calm - that her tantrums and antics, while understandable, put your sobriety at risk and therefor you must remove yourself from conversations/situations that lead to these sorts of outbursts. At that point she is aware that if and when you walk away, you are not doing it to spite her, only to protect your hold on the most important thing in your life at this point. Just set that boundary and don't allow her to cross it. If she does, get away and clear your head, and give her time to do the same.
My experience is that eventually, once removed, I analyzed some of the rotten things said to me in anger, and tried to understand what motivated my wife to feel so hateful. Come to find out that, sure, some of it was me and how my drinking injured her. Some of it came from the antics and various embarrassing situations I put her in. But the reality is that some of her spit and venom had nothing to do with me nor the problems I brought to our marriage. I had to understand she owns demons of her own, and that even though my alcohol abuse may have triggered some, it's up to her to deal with these issues, or not. All I can do is keep on being sober, keep on making amends where I can, and just keep on keeping on.
Whether you are thriving with her support or soldiering on in spite of it, at least you're staying sober, and that is the most important variable in this equation. At the end of the day your good work will cause vast improvements in your personal outlook, and should improve every relationship you have. If after enough time has past you find her still blowing up all over you, consider heading for some couples therapy - or try and persuade her to find individual therapy to deal with her issues. Other than that, if it doesn't change over a long enough period, you and her have a tough decision to make.
My .02
Sounds to me like your wife is pushing your buttons by lashing out, and that is not healthy, given your undertaking. Just remember that when people get hurt it's only natural to lash out at someone. No doubt you've betrayed her, no doubt she's been damaged to her core by the lies and offenses. But at the same time, you cannot live every day in guilt or regret, you must turn it over and let it go. Hurt people want their offenders to feel equal parts of shame, regret and pain, and this knee jerk emotional response is possibly what motivates her outbursts. But being constantly reminded of "the things you've done" is exactly counterproductive to your only real priority, sobriety. I found it a text book example of a catch 22.
As for the screaming and belittling, my wife was extremely guilty of that. I even got slapped and kicked a few times. The flying coffee pot was the last thing I allowed her to get away with. Once I truly wanted sobriety over anything else, her need to make me feel small was irrelevant to me. Sounds selfish, but it wasn't, it was necessary, for me anyway. To stop her outbursts from affecting my recovery I'd tune it out, walk away, leave the room, leave the house for a long walk. In fact, whenever the world around me gets noisy and hits nerves inside my psyche I keep saying to myself "none of this is as important as maintaining my sobriety, full stop", given that perspective the solutions present themselves to me always.
I don't see anything wrong with you explaining - at one sit down and when you're both calm - that her tantrums and antics, while understandable, put your sobriety at risk and therefor you must remove yourself from conversations/situations that lead to these sorts of outbursts. At that point she is aware that if and when you walk away, you are not doing it to spite her, only to protect your hold on the most important thing in your life at this point. Just set that boundary and don't allow her to cross it. If she does, get away and clear your head, and give her time to do the same.
My experience is that eventually, once removed, I analyzed some of the rotten things said to me in anger, and tried to understand what motivated my wife to feel so hateful. Come to find out that, sure, some of it was me and how my drinking injured her. Some of it came from the antics and various embarrassing situations I put her in. But the reality is that some of her spit and venom had nothing to do with me nor the problems I brought to our marriage. I had to understand she owns demons of her own, and that even though my alcohol abuse may have triggered some, it's up to her to deal with these issues, or not. All I can do is keep on being sober, keep on making amends where I can, and just keep on keeping on.
Whether you are thriving with her support or soldiering on in spite of it, at least you're staying sober, and that is the most important variable in this equation. At the end of the day your good work will cause vast improvements in your personal outlook, and should improve every relationship you have. If after enough time has past you find her still blowing up all over you, consider heading for some couples therapy - or try and persuade her to find individual therapy to deal with her issues. Other than that, if it doesn't change over a long enough period, you and her have a tough decision to make.
My .02
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Originally Posted by silly
Thank you so much. I appreciate your caring response. This is one I'll print off and keep with me for dark moments when I need a positive "hug". It truly lifted my spirits.
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