Need help with my anxiety over AS & girlfriend
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Need help with my anxiety over AS & girlfriend
My AS just got out of jail. Was in drug court program.Judge said rehab had a bed for him, but lawyer asked judge for outpatient and said son could live with me. (Never asked me about it and wouldn't return my calls.)
Son is confused about what's going on. Has been to outpatient Fri and Sat. He asked for a bed and they'll give him one in a combo shelter program...some beds for homeless, some beds for addicts in treatment. He really wanted a bed in the treatment facility, but also didn't want to wait any longer in jail/treatment program,.
He was doing pretty well until girlfriend got back into the picture. She told me she was putting his sobriety first, before their relationship, but that's not what's happening. Friday night she was actually planning to take him to a party with other friends where there would be drinking, but no drugs!! I merely raised the issue of whether or not that would be a good idea, since he just got out but left the decision up to them. They wound up not going to the party and just hung out here at my apt. till she got a ride home.
Next day, Saturday, girlfriend and he were going to get together again. he said he probably wouldn't spend the night with her since he wasn't sure if he had to go to outpatient on Sunday and wasn't sure if they drug tested on Sunday, but he'd call in the am to make sure.
He wound up spending night at her place. I texted her this AM to let her know my son may have to call and go to outpatient, so she could be prepared to take him there if necessary.
Now the bottom line...my son called me several hours later and asked why I called. I just told him what he had told me and just didn't want him to miss showing up at outpatient.
I realize I am still trying to control the outcome and can 't. I called my son and explained that to him and that, while I have faith in his ability to recover, I can't tell him how to work his program or what to do. That is up to him, which he appreciated.
My real anxiety is over his girlfriend, who does continue to sway him away from sobriety without realizing it. Since she got back in the scene he hasn't been to a meeting since he got out. She also tends to keep him on hold waiting for her, which screws up his day. He chooses to do this, I know.
I really don't think she is good for him, which is what this is about. She lies and is unreliable and keeps him anxious.
We talked about my son before he got out and she said that she wanted him to get well and to put himself first, not her. Now it doesn't seem like that because she is pulling him away from his working his program and staying focused on his sobriety.
This morning he started talking about wanting to use because he's frustrated about everything and anxious. He gets a bed this Tuesday and I can't wait.
Even though I know I can't control him or her, but really wish she would just back out of his life for a while and let him get stronger on his own, what can I do besides pray that my son can just focus on his sobriety and not be distracted by the demands and temptations of a relationship?
Son is confused about what's going on. Has been to outpatient Fri and Sat. He asked for a bed and they'll give him one in a combo shelter program...some beds for homeless, some beds for addicts in treatment. He really wanted a bed in the treatment facility, but also didn't want to wait any longer in jail/treatment program,.
He was doing pretty well until girlfriend got back into the picture. She told me she was putting his sobriety first, before their relationship, but that's not what's happening. Friday night she was actually planning to take him to a party with other friends where there would be drinking, but no drugs!! I merely raised the issue of whether or not that would be a good idea, since he just got out but left the decision up to them. They wound up not going to the party and just hung out here at my apt. till she got a ride home.
Next day, Saturday, girlfriend and he were going to get together again. he said he probably wouldn't spend the night with her since he wasn't sure if he had to go to outpatient on Sunday and wasn't sure if they drug tested on Sunday, but he'd call in the am to make sure.
He wound up spending night at her place. I texted her this AM to let her know my son may have to call and go to outpatient, so she could be prepared to take him there if necessary.
Now the bottom line...my son called me several hours later and asked why I called. I just told him what he had told me and just didn't want him to miss showing up at outpatient.
I realize I am still trying to control the outcome and can 't. I called my son and explained that to him and that, while I have faith in his ability to recover, I can't tell him how to work his program or what to do. That is up to him, which he appreciated.
My real anxiety is over his girlfriend, who does continue to sway him away from sobriety without realizing it. Since she got back in the scene he hasn't been to a meeting since he got out. She also tends to keep him on hold waiting for her, which screws up his day. He chooses to do this, I know.
I really don't think she is good for him, which is what this is about. She lies and is unreliable and keeps him anxious.
We talked about my son before he got out and she said that she wanted him to get well and to put himself first, not her. Now it doesn't seem like that because she is pulling him away from his working his program and staying focused on his sobriety.
This morning he started talking about wanting to use because he's frustrated about everything and anxious. He gets a bed this Tuesday and I can't wait.
Even though I know I can't control him or her, but really wish she would just back out of his life for a while and let him get stronger on his own, what can I do besides pray that my son can just focus on his sobriety and not be distracted by the demands and temptations of a relationship?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
What can you do besides pray? Nothing. You have to let him do this, and if he makes it or falls, it will be up to him. It's not your place to call and remind him or her of appointments. If you don't detach from this, you are just going to stay upset all the time. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the honest truth.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you Suki. No, it doesn't sound harsh. I think you're right. It's not my place to remind him or her. I have to learn to let go and let God.
Sometimes I want so much for my AS to be successful and get over their addiction that I lose sight of the fact that I can't make it happen.
I'm glad this site is here so I can share what I'm feeling and help get perspective on it.
Sometimes I want so much for my AS to be successful and get over their addiction that I lose sight of the fact that I can't make it happen.
I'm glad this site is here so I can share what I'm feeling and help get perspective on it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
I know how hard it is, especially when it involves our children whom we spent so many years protecting and doing things for. It's really hard to turn that off under the best of circumstances, but especially difficult when we see them make such bad choices. Although my daughter isn't involved with drugs or alcohol, I still have to remind myself that she is an adult now, and even though I might not think her decisions are all that great, she has to learn by doing things herself and I have to let her.
Hang in there, mama. You'll be okay and if you ever need a hug or just a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to, you know we're always here for you.
Hang in there, mama. You'll be okay and if you ever need a hug or just a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to, you know we're always here for you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My AS just got out of jail. Was in drug court program.Judge said rehab had a bed for him, but lawyer asked judge for outpatient and said son could live with me. (Never asked me about it and wouldn't return my calls.)
This happened way too often with me too. I finally make it clear that I was NOT an option. It didn't matter whether they asked me in advance or made a dumb presumption...I stopped allowing them to make me an option. Funny thing is, when I did that, they stopped.
The reason I stopped letting my son live at home, aside from the fact he stole from us, is that when he lived at home I had a front row seat to the drama and I gotta tell ya, that's the worst seat in the world.
My heart (and prayers) go out for you Vaya. I know how awful this is and I sure know all about "the girlfriends from hell".
Removing myself from the front row seat helped me detach from the drama, and live my life in peace. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.
He gets a bed this Tuesday and I can't wait.
Big hugs from a mama who's been there, done that and bought the t-shirt.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
vaya
ohhh boy......do I ever understand what you are feeling right now. It's quite fresh in my mind. But suki is right. There's not a thing we can do about the people who influence our sons. I'll keep you and your son in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ohhh boy......do I ever understand what you are feeling right now. It's quite fresh in my mind. But suki is right. There's not a thing we can do about the people who influence our sons. I'll keep you and your son in my prayers.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by vaya 
My AS just got out of jail. Was in drug court program.Judge said rehab had a bed for him, but lawyer asked judge for outpatient and said son could live with me. (Never asked me about it and wouldn't return my calls.)
Your adult son is the same age as my daughter. You are not his only option. "No" is a complete sentance.
Son is confused about what's going on.
It's his life and he's confused?
Has been to outpatient Fri and Sat. He asked for a bed and they'll give him one in a combo shelter program...some beds for homeless, some beds for addicts in treatment. He really wanted a bed in the treatment facility, but also didn't want to wait any longer in jail/treatment program,.
Is it possible that he may have planted the seed of outpatient while living with you as a way out of prison sooner rather than waiting for a bed?
He was doing pretty well until girlfriend got back into the picture. She told me she was putting his sobriety first, before their relationship, but that's not what's happening. Friday night she was actually planning to take him to a party with other friends where there would be drinking, but no drugs!!
This will likely be his battle to fight every day for the rest of his life.[/COLOR]
I merely raised the issue of whether or not that would be a good idea, since he just got out but left the decision up to them.
Hello control sister. I know you well.
They wound up not going to the party and just hung out here at my apt. till she got a ride home.
Next day, Saturday, girlfriend and he were going to get together again. he said he probably wouldn't spend the night with her since he wasn't sure if he had to go to outpatient on Sunday and wasn't sure if they drug tested on Sunday, but he'd call in the am to make sure.
Is there some reason why he is not sure when he is supposed to go outpatient or be drug tested? Whose life is this?
He wound up spending night at her place. I texted her this AM to let her know my son may have to call and go to outpatient, so she could be prepared to take him there if necessary.
Because he can't possibly know or be responsible for getting his own butt there, eh?
Now the bottom line...my son called me several hours later and asked why I called. I just told him what he had told me and just didn't want him to miss showing up at outpatient.
I realize I am still trying to control the outcome and can 't. I called my son and explained that to him and that, while I have faith in his ability to recover, I can't tell him how to work his program or what to do. That is up to him, which he appreciated.
My real anxiety is over his girlfriend, who does continue to sway him away from sobriety without realizing it. Since she got back in the scene he hasn't been to a meeting since he got out. She also tends to keep him on hold waiting for her, which screws up his day. He chooses to do this, I know.
She is not powerful enough to sway him either way.
I really don't think she is good for him, which is what this is about. She lies and is unreliable and keeps him anxious.
We talked about my son before he got out and she said that she wanted him to get well and to put himself first, not her. Now it doesn't seem like that because she is pulling him away from his working his program and staying focused on his sobriety.
Again, she not that powerful.
This morning he started talking about wanting to use because he's frustrated about everything and anxious. He gets a bed this Tuesday and I can't wait.
Even though I know I can't control him or her, but really wish she would just back out of his life for a while and let him get stronger on his own, what can I do besides pray that my son can just focus on his sobriety and not be distracted by the demands and temptations of a relationship?
Your adult son is the same age as my daughter. You are not his only option. "No" is a complete sentance.
Son is confused about what's going on.
It's his life and he's confused?
Has been to outpatient Fri and Sat. He asked for a bed and they'll give him one in a combo shelter program...some beds for homeless, some beds for addicts in treatment. He really wanted a bed in the treatment facility, but also didn't want to wait any longer in jail/treatment program,.
Is it possible that he may have planted the seed of outpatient while living with you as a way out of prison sooner rather than waiting for a bed?
He was doing pretty well until girlfriend got back into the picture. She told me she was putting his sobriety first, before their relationship, but that's not what's happening. Friday night she was actually planning to take him to a party with other friends where there would be drinking, but no drugs!!
This will likely be his battle to fight every day for the rest of his life.[/COLOR]
I merely raised the issue of whether or not that would be a good idea, since he just got out but left the decision up to them.
Hello control sister. I know you well.
They wound up not going to the party and just hung out here at my apt. till she got a ride home.
Next day, Saturday, girlfriend and he were going to get together again. he said he probably wouldn't spend the night with her since he wasn't sure if he had to go to outpatient on Sunday and wasn't sure if they drug tested on Sunday, but he'd call in the am to make sure.
Is there some reason why he is not sure when he is supposed to go outpatient or be drug tested? Whose life is this?
He wound up spending night at her place. I texted her this AM to let her know my son may have to call and go to outpatient, so she could be prepared to take him there if necessary.
Because he can't possibly know or be responsible for getting his own butt there, eh?
Now the bottom line...my son called me several hours later and asked why I called. I just told him what he had told me and just didn't want him to miss showing up at outpatient.
I realize I am still trying to control the outcome and can 't. I called my son and explained that to him and that, while I have faith in his ability to recover, I can't tell him how to work his program or what to do. That is up to him, which he appreciated.
My real anxiety is over his girlfriend, who does continue to sway him away from sobriety without realizing it. Since she got back in the scene he hasn't been to a meeting since he got out. She also tends to keep him on hold waiting for her, which screws up his day. He chooses to do this, I know.
She is not powerful enough to sway him either way.
I really don't think she is good for him, which is what this is about. She lies and is unreliable and keeps him anxious.
We talked about my son before he got out and she said that she wanted him to get well and to put himself first, not her. Now it doesn't seem like that because she is pulling him away from his working his program and staying focused on his sobriety.
Again, she not that powerful.
This morning he started talking about wanting to use because he's frustrated about everything and anxious. He gets a bed this Tuesday and I can't wait.
Even though I know I can't control him or her, but really wish she would just back out of his life for a while and let him get stronger on his own, what can I do besides pray that my son can just focus on his sobriety and not be distracted by the demands and temptations of a relationship?
I understand where you are coming from. If only we could control every aspect of our children's life and create the perfect world for them to recover in...Been there/done that. And it does not work.
The more I focused on my daughter's problems , the less I paid attention to my own. Letting go of the fantasy that I could control my daughter /her choices was the most humbling experience for me.
BTW, my daughter has been clean for quite some time now. ( I refuse to track her time). She began taking control of her own life when I stopped trying to control her. It's one day at a time for both of us.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
My RAD was in 2 abusive relationships while in high school..both with addicts..I finally had to realize that it was HER..not them who kept making all the choices..surrendering the idea that she, you , or ANYONE but your son can control his sobriety is the first step..literally
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((Vaya))) I've got an A stepson out there right now making some spectacularly poor choices, but Mr. HG and I finally let it all go. He knows we love him and encourage him to do the right thing, but his life is his own.
Hugs to you and prayers for you and your son, HG
Hugs to you and prayers for you and your son, HG
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you for your responses. This is a new phase for me with my son, now that he is in a recovery program. As a result I find myself more controlling, trying to protect him. I know i can't do that and must give him the dignity to recover on his own and deal with whatever he must. As for outpatient, yes, I think he wanted that so he wouldn't have to wait in jail longer for a bed. He knows the outpatient program has shortcomings and may not be best for him since they won't let him work and he'll have too much idle time. Also, financially, it would be hard since he'd have no income and would need money for bus fare and lunch, and other incidentalssince they don't provide that in outpatient. (Sure would be nice if the court could provide me funds since they ordered him to my house.) I told him I want him to do what he feels he needs to do so he doesn't feel like he's going into inpatient to make me or anyone else happy. He criticizes the program but is willing to do what he has to. He says he's done with drugs, but can't wait to get the program over with so he can work an get a life. I hope he makes it.
Tonight one of his old drug friends called at midnight saying my AS had called him earlier. My AS denied having called him so I have to believe him. Still it had me worried, which I told my son, especially since I had given him $20 for cigarettes, bus fare, and lunch for these next few days. He said he can't help it if they call him. I suggested he'd be better off staying away from his actively using drug friends, that's what they suggest in AA/NA. He said he had no plans of using again and I have to believe him. I want him to know I have faith in his ability to recover.
I don't want to have to be in the position of scrutinizing calls or his actions. He has to do this on his own. Even if the residential program isn't what he expected I believe it will be better all around.
I'm really trying not to worry and just let it be. It's all I can do.
Tonight one of his old drug friends called at midnight saying my AS had called him earlier. My AS denied having called him so I have to believe him. Still it had me worried, which I told my son, especially since I had given him $20 for cigarettes, bus fare, and lunch for these next few days. He said he can't help it if they call him. I suggested he'd be better off staying away from his actively using drug friends, that's what they suggest in AA/NA. He said he had no plans of using again and I have to believe him. I want him to know I have faith in his ability to recover.
I don't want to have to be in the position of scrutinizing calls or his actions. He has to do this on his own. Even if the residential program isn't what he expected I believe it will be better all around.
I'm really trying not to worry and just let it be. It's all I can do.
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[QUOTE=vaya;2864858]. Tonight one of his old drug friends called at midnight saying my AS had called him earlier... My AS denied having called him so I have to believe him. . He said he had no plans of using again and I have to believe him.QUOTE]
No you don't have to believe what he is saying, especially if it doesn't make sense.People in recovery erase their dealers #s outta their phones, don't accept calls, change their number....Don't confuse letting him make his own choices with believing everything he tells you..
No you don't have to believe what he is saying, especially if it doesn't make sense.People in recovery erase their dealers #s outta their phones, don't accept calls, change their number....Don't confuse letting him make his own choices with believing everything he tells you..
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Tonight one of his old drug friends called at midnight saying my AS had called him earlier... My AS denied having called him so I have to believe him. . He said he had no plans of using again and I have to believe him.
But it doesn't really matter anyway. Right? Because you realize you can't control his choices! He'll get it when he gets it and not a moment earlier - no matter what kind of influence his girlfriend might have over him OR what kind of made-up (or true) stories his drug dealer is telling... hmmmm....
Great time to do something for you Vaya. Time to get the focus off him and get it on your own future - something you can control. Any goals or anything for yourself you can be working on? A vacation to plan? Any kind of volunteer opportunities or community service you're interested in? Maybe a new hobby...
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