KerBearz

I'm really nervous! I guess I'm looking here for some encouragement so that I don't chicken out. My situation here (with me AH) is so bizarre and I guess I always feel like I'm walking on black ice.

Here's a recap of my typical week - Monday through Friday, I go to work and he usually drinks each day while I'm gone. Sometimes he is "sleeping" when I get home and we have a peaceful evening. Sometimes he is angry, crabby, moody, whatever and we don't usually fight or argue anymore, but it is still unpleasant to be around.

On the weekends, he tends to be sober and we spend a lot of time together. Projects around the house, going to church, movies, shopping, etc. (like normal people) We can be really good together and we talk about everything. He says how sorry he is about the drinking, it's not fair to me, he needs to let go of his ego, blah, blah, blah... and then Monday rolls around and he's back at it again.

I have told him several times over the past few months that I no longer want to be around alcohol or live with an active alcoholic and he is always totally understanding and agreeable... but he doesn't stop drinking and he doesn't move out. Yesterday we went out for lunch and I told him that our marriage was completely unraveling and he was calm and reasonable and said AGAIN that he knows and he will fix it and he will stop drinking. He KNOWS his health and marriage and relationship with his children, parents, siblings is deteriorating and he KNOWS and SAYS he needs to stop drinking, yet he doesn't.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride all the time - the highs aren't as high for me and the lows aren't as low (thanks to my HP and al-anon and SR), but things are unraveling fast. I love this man, but I don't NEED him. I am not angry... just sad. I know that I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't know... I guess I need some wisdom and strength from you guys please.

Opivotal

Hi KerBearz...IMO I think your making a wise move. I'm sure you've learned through al-anon etc. that you can't change your husband. No matter how much you love him! Yes, it is sad, but living the rest of your life with an alcoholic is even sadder. Speaking to a lawyer will arm you with the information you need to make a decision. I wish you the best. Stay strong and focus on you and your children. He will have to find his own way when he is ready! :ghug3

coffeedrinker

i think the "all or nothing" can often be our friend, but it can sometimes make us immobile.

you do not have to think of the visit with the lawyer, or even the eventual divorce, as a permanent thing. there are stories of recovery, there are even successful ones (few however).

if this thinking helps get you over the hump, consider it.
if, however, it keeps you stuck in a hopeful place with someone who never will get sober, then my suggestion is misguided.

for now, one foot in front of the other.

we will be with you in spirit, as you walk into that attorney's office.
my feeling, and experience, is that you will feel much better, not worse, when you walk out.

LexieCat

Remember, this is a meeting with a lawyer, not a court proceeding where you are getting a divorce. Your goal at this point is information-gathering. What is likely to happen if I file for divorce? What are my rights? Am I (or the kids) entitled to support? If so, how much? How might the property (and debts) be divided? Any pensions/retirement accounts? How long would it take to get divorced? Who would decide where we live during the divorce? Who would be likely to get the house, or could the house be sold (assuming you have a house)? How much is all of this going to cost? Can I recover any of my attorney's fees?

All this will give you the information you need so you know what to expect, realistically, and enable you to plan accordingly.

That's ALL it is at this point--you do not need to hire the lawyer (in fact, you might want to speak with more than one lawyer before you file--you want a lawyer who will stand up for your rights, but also not start unnecessary disputes just to jack up the fee).

Start thinking about what you might be willing to accept as a "bottom line" and what, ideally, you would like the outcome to be. You want to shoot for an outcome somewhere in between those--negotiations start with asking for a little more than you think you really want, and generally settle somewhere between what you want and your "bottom line". To the extent you and your husband can agree on any of the issues, that can reduce the cost and resolve things more quickly and with less agony. It's possible to work out all but one or two issues and get those resolved by the court if needed.

So nothing to "chicken out" about--all you are doing is getting info that you will need in order to plan your next step.

pfeller

KerBears, it sounds like you described my life up till two Mondays ago.

On that day my A was to leave and I would proceed to file the divorce. I had been stating that I couldn't live this life much longer and that day had arrived. I had all papers filled out and ready to file with the courts (easy no tangles divorce in our case).

When I asked where he was going, since I do care for the man, his reply stunned me.
He was heading to a treatment facility for a full 28 day inpatient 12 step recovery program.

So here I am, two weeks later. I have not filed the divorce yet. I'm willing to see how things turn out. He seems to be truly into the program, listening to the counselors, and I attend the weekend communication class. So far, so good.

Go see your lawyer, divorce doesn't happen over night. It may be a trigger that helps your A take the step he needs for a path towards recovery, or it may not.

Either way, Let things work out how the are meant to, and you will fill better by taking a step towards your own well being

SoloMio

I agree with coffeedrinker--take the baby steps you need to, but keep moving!

I saw a lawyer a few months ago just to get the lay of the land, see what my exposure would be if I do get a divorce (which is a bit of a deterrent because she told me I'd probably have to pay alimony to HIM after years of paying HIS bills and having him blow all of OUR money..anyway...)

I also had the exact same conversations with him that you had with your H over the past two months--and his response has mirrored your AH. So, one night when I had a particularly unhappy evening, I packed a suitcase to "remind" him that I WILL leave. Truthfully, I would have left sooner, but I have a backlog of accounts receivables from clients due in February, and until then I'm broke.

He did mention the looming suitcase in the hall once in one of his, "I have to stop" quackings... he said, "I see that suitcase--I'm not stupid." But, of course, I'm thinking he might not be stupid but he's going to milk his ability to drink until the next crisis hits the fan.

So, this week, I made a deal for a two-month rental--I would have liked three, but the house I'm renting is occupied on April 15. But to me, it's Step 2. I've increased my leverage a little bit for my own peace of mind. One day at a time. And for me it's easier to navigate the mountain by tackling the bunny slopes first. But that's just me.

Point is--see the lawyer. Even taking that step is very empowering. It lets you know you can take action towards your own well-being.

zrx1200R

This is not bizarre in any way. Many of us here have gone through nearly identical times.

Certainly, go see the lawyer. Get smarter on the process. But remember, they will say and do anything to get you to stay. They have nothing to lose.

KerBearz

Thank you! I am counting on it.

KerBearz

I'm feeling trapped by finances as well ~ I have a job and fairly decent income, but he does not. Good for you for taking that next step!!

theuncertainty

Yep, another 'pocket rider' here for you, KerBearz.
Wishing you strength and peace.

KerBearz

I went today to see the lawyer ~ it went pretty well. I got a lot of my questions answered and only cried a little bit. She seemed to think that I was in a better position than many of her clients as my bills & mortgage are all current and I have a decent job. Due to her own experience, she has a very good understanding of the alcoholic marriage. It helped some to talk to her.
Now I just have to take the next step forward.
Thanks for the support!

LexieCat

Great! Really, really proud of you. Knowledge is power. When we are thinking about this stuff, it's very easy to get all the scary "what-ifs" chasing around in our heads. We worry about this or that when we don't even know what the facts are. Once we know, THEN we can start to think about where we want to go.

Good job!!

Ladybug0130

Yeah, I have one foot out the door too but it's so hard to do it because I have a 7 year old and 2 year old who really love my AH and he is very good to them! The kids also have a really nice life right now and my AH is doing well financially.

My AH tries very hard, he went to 28 day treatment also, in November, did great. He came out and relapsed hard after the holidays. He has been a very committed to attending AA meetings, he is going to therapy, he meditates and does tai chi...but he has severe emotional problems for some unknown reason. About once a week he drinks to cope, feels bad and recommits to trying it all again. Real life is too much for him to take. This is hard for me to understand because he has a wonderful life, he really does. He makes a lot of money working for himself and doing what he likes! He has flexible hours and probably only puts in 30 hour weeks. Our family is close, the kids are wonderful, he is just a deeply unhappy person and always has been! Little problems become huge crises for him. I don't know if this can ever be "fixed".

So, here I am once again, deciding what to do. Maybe I should at least talk to lawyer and find out what is involved.

My point is not to hi-jack your thread, just to let you know that a lot of us are in a similar situation and need to get out. These AHs make so many promises they are incapable of keeping. I hope your AH has better luck with rehab than mine did. I keep thinking he is getting better but he's just not.

SashaMB

So proud of you, KerBearz! Seriously, that step of seeing the lawyer is huge. Remember, part of why you pay a lawyer is that it is HER job to worry about some of the particulars. Part of the reason I hired a lawyer instead of trying to do the divorce myself is that just having an expert to take care of all the details is a big stress reliever in itself.

Carol Star

My therapist who saw him once ( and me all the time) told me to tell AH to do 90 AA meetings in 90 days or we would seperate. He did not do it. I put the ball in his court. We did divorce and I was very sad but gradually came out of it. He is still using. It is 3 yrs. post divorce and I am doing great. I knew I could not live like that anymore and his disease was progressing. We did do our own seperation agreement dividing material things so that saved money from the lawyer having to do it. The division was fair 50/50. It was sad but I am ok. I have an apt. (they were his kids and kids were grown) and I have my job, my kitties, my recovery family, my sister who is in an alcoholic marriage but has started going to alanon with me. I now live in the solution. The A's have choices and so do we. I am better without the drama and chaos and worry. It was sad and hard- but I am good. Lessons learned. Boundaries learned. God's grace keeps pace with whatever we face.

JenT1968

well done for getting the information KB! It's a scary thing to do, but it empowers us, and helps us make choices based on fact rather than fear (())

LexieCat

This is a MAJOR point. Sasha and I are both lawyers, but having a third party expert inserted between myself and my ex meant I didn't have to deal with him directly when things got icky. Well worth the money.

Sounds like this lawyer you found is promising--you don't wanna use your lawyer as a therapist (therapists are cheaper, lol!), but having a good "bedside" manner and giving you a little reassurance at the same time is a plus.

KerBearz

Thank you for sharing this, Carol Star. I needed to hear this today.

I also really appreciate all the "lawyerly" advice. Now, I need to do my homework and talk with my mom and my sister, I think. I'm going to need their support.

SashaMB

Yes, definitely get support from your family! Your mom and sister love you, and I'm sure that they want you to be happy, safe, and healthy. You are especially in my thoughts this evening as I have spent the night filling out financial affidavits for my own lawyer. Stay strong, you can do this!

Carol Star

one inch of the football field at a time...one bite of the elephant...