NobleCause

Find myself at a curious crossroads of sorts that I wonder if anyone can relate to. A few years back things began to slide off the rails and the serious consequences of my drinking began to catch up to me. Call it karma, or maybe just call it the inevitable outcome of the progression from a habit to a pathology... I began drinking and using quite young, and often pushed my limits, but I always managed to skirt major catastrophe - I got amazing grades, skated through college on scholarship, and wound up settling very successfully into my profession. I did do a couple of turns thru inpatient rehab in my high school years, tho otherwise always managed to keep my drinking/using compartmentalized and sufficiently concealed. By my late twenties tho, that was no longer always the case. I caused scenes at office parties that I didn't remember, passed out for entire nights in public places in very large cities, and spent incredible amounts of money supporting habits. My marriage was the first major casualty; it fell apart in the wake of an unforeseeable tragedy a few years ago... The foundation of that relationship had been completely eroded by years of my drinking, and when things got rough there was simply nothing left to call on in the reserves. Rather than stick it out, I split one night, moved far, far away, and ushered in my new freedom by drinking more than ever. I drank daily, as I had for years, and blacked out a lot, also as I had for years. I lost some friends and made some enemies, but mainly I just focused on forgetting the past and convincing myself that I was enjoying the present. The future terrified me. Not very long after, I was in a car accident, a tragic, horrific and complicated DUI wreck with very serious injuries, which ultimately resulted in a suitably serious set of legal consequences. There was a trial and a jail term, which I finished serving some months ago. I have since been slowly gaining back my freedom and doing what I can to try to move forward in my life. It's been over two years since I stopped drinking (I am motivated to continue that streak not least because it is a condition of my probation), and I have a wonderful job, some great friends, and a quiet, mellow existence.

Anyhow, the issue I have now is this - I'm not "out" as an alcoholic, nor do I attend AA or any similar meetings. I am externally quite stable and successful, and even in spite of the (pretty big) messes I've created in my life, most of my friends and family seem to think I'm not so much a person with a drinking problem as a person with a bad luck problem. I am frequently asked by well intentioned folks about when I'll be able to drink again. It baffles me a bit that no one else recognizes the pattern that seems pretty clear to me, but I also realize this likely has something to do with the fact that I've not been able to find the courage, publicly or privately, to confront the denial that I operate in. Its been significantly harder to stay sober lately tho, and I'm growing concerned about what will happen after probation when there's no longer a built in & immediate consequence to drinking. I've been to hell and back over the past few years, I don't want to screw this up or risk causing any more pain, and, judging by history, I know this could be my last shot at a normal & fulfilling life. I guess I just wonder if I am setting myself up now by not doing more to confront the alcoholism/drinking problem or lining up the traditional supports even tho I am technically sober?

Missybuns

I think you already know.

Do you want to stay sober or do you want to "set up" your next fall from grace?

If you want to stay sober then you don't have to wait until the next bender or jail term.

It could come down to...do you want to save your face or your ass?

Bests,
Missy

Veritas1

Perhaps you could attend some AA meetings and see if you feel it could be helpful to you?

It sounds as if the mental thoughts to drink again are there from what you write...That it has been "significantly harder" to stay sober. Why do you think you want to drink again?

Have ever seen the book Alcoholics Anonymous? Also referred to as the "Big Book"?

Perhaps you could get a copy at the library, or read it online?

I heard someone share in a meeting about having to go to satisfy probation, and when it was "up"...they found that they stayed in AA, and stayed sober...had the choice, satisfied the courts, etc...but the first thing they did after court was go to a meeting of AA. They wanted to stay. AA was working in their life.

This person changed their life in AA. There was no need to go back to a life of drinking.

Best wishes

Dee74

Hi Nobel Cause

You already know that your friends and family are wrong - it wasn't a bad luck problem.

I think you also know too, deep down, that there's more to recovery than simply abstinence, especially if it's enforced externally.

You have to work out whats more important - what other people think, or what's right for you.

I don't wear a neon sign or proclaim my alcoholism from the rooftops - but I accept that's what I am and I work on my recovery every day.

I never want to go back to that hell I used to call my life.

You'll find a lot of support and a lot of ideas here Noble Cause - welcome
D

Antiderivative

One of the best ways to avoid relapses and pitfalls is to be proactive about your recovery. Recovery requires initiative. If you think you need to do more for your recovery, then chances are you do.

Be honest with yourself. Honestly, what do you think your next step should be? What do you think you need to do in order to stay sober?

A possible next step is to address your denial. Alcoholics and addicts have a "talent" at rationalizing, minimizing, romanticizing, and legitimizing that next drink/drug. Unfortunately, many of us rationalize our way to the grave while traveling down a path of misery and pain--all self-inflicted.

Recovery requires a consistent application in honesty, among things. It appears that you are cognizant of the fact that you cannot drink with impunity. Drinking causes you pain, grief, turmoil, and destructive. You need to keep this up front and accept it.

I lend myself to the AA program. It is a simple (not necessarily easy) program of recovery. Actually, it is a simple design for living. AA may be beneficial for you or it may not. You will never know, unless you try it. Additionally, there are other non-12 step programs, such as SMART and Rational Recovery.

Most people in recovery benefit from working with others and belonging to a support group. A support group provides many benefits. They provide a fellowship, support, a social outlet, and accountability. Having a system of support and accountability is beneficial, if not vital, to many in recovery.

Bests,

NobleCause

The mental thoughts are always there - even tho I am committed to abstaining in a rational and conscious manner, my mind goes completely wild even at the sight of a drink. I've gotten used to working thru that with a few deep breaths and it generally subsides, but there's absolutely a visceral reaction that's operating regardless of my intent. I am incredibly careful to not hold others' drinks or get myself close enough to a glass where I wouldn't have a full moment to reflect before reacting. I think it's felt harder to stay sober lately in part because I've left my future intentions so open ended about it.. And, as my leash get a little longer, I may be getting ahead of myself to where it becomes easy to fall into a pattern of believing that this is just another hoop to jump through rather than an enormous opportunity. This sort of thinking pattern is exactly what terrifies me tho, and I can't overstate the fact that I hope to never return to my old way of living. I just feel like I might need to up the level of serious in my approach to all of this, which is why I posted tonite. It's a big gesture tho, so want to make sure I am firm in my intention. I will investigate the meeting situation in my hood and maybe try to hit one soon.

Veritas1

Do you think when you see a drink that it is something alluring, like a good thing you cannot have?

I think that when we shift from seeing it in a romantic way, to what it really is for us, and has been for us, we can see our problem as it really is, and realize that it burns us every time...we can stop the illusion of it being a good idea.

Sorry that was a long idea there.

You write so much better than I!

It's like someone told me about children...

From a young age, they are taught to not touch the fire, the flame...

We tell them, "You will get burned"! Don't touch! Burn! No! etc.

This is how he told me that it must be impressed upon an alcoholic's mind. Alcohol = Burned.

But we forget, even though our experience is right there to prove to us that it's not been good for us...ah, this time it will be different.

Nope.

Maybe, but not likely...if you have alcoholism, and the effect on you is one that once you drink, you will look for another and another.

Ok, I am tired, and don't want to just type anything.

Hop on over to the 12 step AA forum, because there are some solid AA recovered folks there that may be able to help you.

jamdls

Hi Noble, denial=Don't Even kNow I Am Lying. Only you know the true consequences of your drinking your friends and family can only see the external you know what's inside of you. Sounds to me like your 'next step' should be working on the first step of AA which is acceptance of your problem and gaining as much knowledge as you can about the issue. I'm not an AA person, meetings were not for me, but, in my opinion the foundation of the 12 steps is a great blueprint for life for anyone regardless of their addiction. There are thousands of stories here on SR which you will likely relate to many, hope you read all you can and post often.

LexieCat

Wow, thanks, Judy--never heard that one, but it's great, and SO accurate.

Noble, I second the suggestion that you read the Big Book--here's an online version. Read the first 164 pages, especially "The Doctor's Opinion" and "More About Alcoholism". See if you see yourself in the descriptions of the mental state that goes along with untreated alcoholism.

If you do, AA is a GREAT solution. Working the program can change your life so you won't have to hide from a drink, won't have to simply "hang on" by your fingernails. It is freedom from slavery, nothing less.

You know you can have a great life materially when you don't drink--wouldn't it be wonderful to have peace and serenity and happiness as well?

CarolD

Thanks for sharing part of your journey with us
and for joinging our community...

I'm really glad you are going to be pro active now
My recovery required action too....Welcome...

FrothyJay

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Here's what I came to understand about alcoholism.

It is a chronic, relapsing disease (as described by the AMA). There is no medical cure. 100,000 people die from it each year in the United States alone.

The baffling part of alcoholism is not what happens when we drink-- we all know we drink uncontrollably, wind up in blackouts, bad situations, or, as you described, in jail. There is a physical allergy-- when we activate it, we no longer have any say in how much we drink.

No, the truly baffling part of alcoholism is what's going on with us when we are sober. If you had an allergy to strawberries, you wouldn't eat strawberries, right? Not so with alcoholism. We have a mental obsession-- even when the drugs and alcohol are out of our system, our brain obsesses. And an obsession, by definition, is

"a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling"

Why is this? Why would seemingly well-adjusted, smart, disciplined people find themselves mentally salivating over something that, logically, they know is horrible for them?

It's because alcoholism is driven by a spiritual malady. A restlessness, irritability and discontentedness that has been there, if we really look at it, most of our lives. We are wired differently, and alcohol, when we discover it, makes us feel like we believe we are supposed to feel. It is relief beyond our wildest dreams, we are (usually) instantly hooked. Every last awkward feeling-- feeling of loneliness, disconnectedness and detachment-- is gone, and replaced with belonging and euphoria.

This is NOT what happens with the average temperate drinker. They drink, enjoy the effects, and stop at a certain point because their body processes it differently-- their body does not have the allergy, their mind does not have the obsession. The urge to continue drinking is overridden by the urge to not continue to put poison in their bodies. For alcoholics, that is reversed.

I needed to understand two things:

1) It's not that I can't drink. It's that I can't help but drink.
2) Alcohol treated my alcoholism.

When you begin to consider this information, you begin to realize that uncontrollable drinking is merely a symptom of a deeper, more dangerous condition.

I had to treat that condition, not the topical symptoms.

I was sober for 11 years, but never treated the underlying causes of my alcoholism. When I drank again, it was with a vengeance; I could not get the alcohol into my body fast enough. I nearly lost everything.

When I came back, someone suggested that I had it all wrong. That I couldn't simply try and do what I did before better. It wasn't about more meetings, different sponsors, more commitments, more disclosure to the public, more anything.

If I wanted to recover, I needed to be changed.

The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous provided me that opportunity. I am now recovered from my alcoholism (not cured, but relieved of the urge to drink). And as long as I carry the message of what worked for me to other suffering alcoholics, the peace and safety I feel never goes away.

That's the deal I made.

ronf

Thanks Noble for posting! A drunken S.O.B who just stops drinking is now a dry S.O.B. That's a somewhat harsh way of saying there is such a thing as alcoholic behavior. It is there whether we have alcohol in our system or not. Until you find out what these are, learn to recognise them, and take an action to head them off you will struggle in your mind as you are now.
Guess what? you already know this! That's why you posted! You have made a GREAT first step to helping yourself!! There are many ways for you to learn more. From your post it sounds like you DO want to learn more. Myself I chose AA. You'll find many other approaches on this forum. There are quite a few wonderful books out there that are very helpful.

Most important, keep coming back here. And KEEP POSTING

Wishing you all the best, Ron

NobleCause

Thank you all for your input & responses (and thank you for the link, LexieCat). The general consensus here seems to reinforce what I know/have known in my gut and helps me to plot the course ahead. I'm fairly sure I've resisted making my sobriety "official" in order to keep alive this lingering, pathetic hope I've got that once my legal sanctions have been lifted, I'll somehow be delivered to a new and foreign pattern of drinking normalcy that no one will ever question. I know that hope is false, and I know how high the stakes are, yet for some reason I've worked incredibly hard to keep the image of that mirage illuminated, as well as to convince the world around me that my past can really just be chalked up to wrong place, wrong time... It's driving me nuts however, it's blatantly dishonest & serves only to isolate me further, and on top of the mental obsession, I feel neurotic & guilty way before I've even come close to picking up. I know that I need to fix this, and most importantly, I know that I just need to do anything I possibly can to drive down the odds of returning to my old way of living (if you can call it that). It's almost as tho I've been holding my breath in anticipation of the next awful thing this whole time; time to exhale, let go, and actually make some true progress, perhaps.

Veritas1

Hey, I had a thought. Has anything bad happened the last two years that you have been sober?

How has your "new way of living" been working for you with regard to no problems as a direct result of your drinking...none?

Oh! That may be helpful.

Drinking = Problems
Not drinking = No drink related problems

Someone recently told me to write 10 good things that are a direct result of me not taking a drink.

Make a list.

Keep it with you, and read it.

These must be things that would not have happened for you if you were still drinking.

Also someone told me to make a "concession statement".

When I drink ____ This happens.

When I drink, I cause fear in others around me. Always.

When I drink, I drink too much. Always. Never fails.

When I drink, I hurt my body and feel terrible quickly. Always.

When I drink, I start a cycle where I am heading to the store daily for more. Always.

When I don't drink, I feel healthier, happier, and I am not causing myself any health problems, I don't wake up hungover, I am not sick, I don't cause fear in others by my bad behavior, I am kinder, more loving, get more things accomplished, etc.

Which life do we want? We get to create what we want.

What a gift.

LexieCat

This straight from the Big Book. Sound familiar?

BB quote, 1st Ed.

NobleCause

Terribly familiar. I read that passage this morning on the link to the Big Book you posted earlier in the thread - it was one of a number of things I read there which fit like a glove. It's absurd that even a tiny part of me can possibly still harbor a belief that I would ever be capable of drinking normally (as well as maybe a little offensive given the amount of damage and pain I've inflicted trying to do that in the past), but I guess that's just part of the deal.

Thank you for your input, its really been illuminating and helped steer my focus. I've since been noticing all sorts of other ways in which I've kept this and other fictions alive in my mind; it's pretty startling to realize the depths my self deceit has reached. Now, to bring this revelation to my real life and follow through.

LexieCat

Yeah, and it's pretty hard to swallow how deluded we've been, too. On top of everything else!

But ultimately, painful as it may be in the beginning to admit the truth, it's also immensely liberating. Once you know what your REAL dilemma is, then you are ready to look for the Power to deal with it. Fortunately, there is one.

Missybuns

NobleCause said:


this is why we get sponsors in 12 step programs...it's kind of diffiicult to spot self-deception on our own

Corri

When I was a young child, I took penicillin when I was really sick. Lots of people did and do.

In my twenties, I got sick. Took penicillin. Within an hour, I had hives covering my body, outside and in, I was rushed to the hospital and pumped with benydryl.

Penicillin is a legal drug, it is more than socially acceptable to take, and millions of people take it everyday, with benefit and no consequences.

If I, however, take penicillin, it could kill me. I do not wonder about this. I do not CARE why other people can take it and I can't.

Alcohol, for me, is now just like penicillin. I can happily survive without it. I mean, it's not like I need it, like food or water, to survive. I had ONE instance where I landed myself in the hospital from its overuse. Damn near killed myself. Let's just say, I got all the proof I need to prove to myself that it is something my body/mind/spirit cannot handle. Don't know why. Don't care.

It sounds to me like you have a 'proof sheet' that is even far more extensive than mine. You really want to run the experiment one more time?

When people ask me when I can drink again, I say, never. When they ask why, I say, "because I'm hypoglycemic and my body can't handle it." Every response so far has been, "oh, wow, that sucks." And that's that.

I don't bring up AA. Not because I'm ashamed of it, but because I see AA as the ongoing treatment I need for the 'thinking' part of my disease. I don't need AA to keep me from drinking. I need AA to keep me from thinking myself down the trail you are thinking yourself down in this thread, right at this moment. THAT'S why I'm in AA.

NobleCause

Got it. I happen to be cursed with a hyper analytical mind, a fondness for logic, and an extreme aversion to ambiguity. Frustrates me to no end. At heart tho, I am a pragmatist, and if the math works, then the math works, and I am a believer.