Lunakim

Hi all! I am a newbie and have reviewed several posts on here. I need a little assistance and words of advice.
I am engaged to a great man who truely loves me and would do anything for me. I feel the same way about him. Here's the kicker... He is a binge drinker. He does not drink everyday or every weekend but when he gets into that mindset of Partytime, it's all the way. He can't stop or will not stop after one drink. It usually ends up with him drinking till everythings gone or he passes out. Usually the night ends with him vomitting.
His behavior has embarrassed me and makes my family very uncomfortable. His 7 yo daughter even asked him to stop drinking one night.
Finally we had a huge blowout and it ended in me telling him to get help or I'm calling the wedding off. I told him to use my EAP services thru work and go speak to a counselor, which he has done 1 times.
Here is my big problem... Now that he is not drinking he is getting high all the time. It still effects our relationship since he zones out and cannot communicate. Also if he's not drinking then he has nothing in common with his or my friends.
How do I handle this and should I feel guilty when I go have a drink with my friends or a glass of wine when we are home together?

LexieCat

Hi, Luna,

IMO, the getting high presents exactly the same problem as the drinking, with added legal consequences if he is caught in possession.

I'd say you "handle" it the same way you were "handling" the binge drinking. Not marrying him. Believe me, it's a lot easier to disentangle yourself from the relationship when there are no legal ties. What you see now is what you can expect in your marriage. Except it will be worse as time goes by.

If you want to support any efforts he might be making not to drink, I suggest you not drink in front of him or keep alcohol in the house. When you are out with your friends, do as you please if alcohol is not a problem for you.

I'd put those wedding plans on indefinite hold, if I were you.

Eddiebuckle

Hi Luna, welcome! First off, so you know where my perspective comes from I am an alcoholic, I have been sober since Dec 2009.

I think that you were right to clearly state that your fiances drinking was/is unacceptable. Getting high is no different than drinking, it's just another means to the same end. I am curious about the statement "if he's not drinking then he has nothing in common with his or my friends." That is a little confusing if he didn't normally drink or get high that frequently. Not sure if getting high "all the time" is a recent change or he's just shifted from drinking to using. I think you are right to question marriage at this point. What I would recommend is that you meet with a counselor to explore how you are responding to all this - on the one hand you cannot control his sobriety, yet you must establish what kind of a relationship to which you are willing to commit. Your fiance may not ultimately be an addict/alcoholic but his actions should be a huge red flag for you. I would urge that you consider postponing getting married until you have a better grip on this. That might sound extreme, but it could save you a lot of heartache in the long term. As to your last question, if nothing other than to avoid hipocrisy I would suggest that you give up drinking while the two of you figure this out.

Dee74

Hi lunakim

I think we all need to decide our boundaries...whats acceptable for us and what's not, and when a relationship gets to the point it has more negatives than positives.

Like Lexie suggested - you have to imagine what a future will be like if this continues.

I encourage you to also look at our Family and Friends section - you'll find a lot of people with personal experience of similar situation down there as well

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

D