why do they do this
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why do they do this
Why do alcoholics constantly accuse you of false affairs. I swear all I have to do is look at another man or speak to another man. And it can set him off accusing me of things or saying that that man wants to do things with me.
Ughh, its like a no win situation too because if I ignore his rants then it is because he is right. If I defend myself then it is because he is right. This is crazy.
If it is because he wants to blame me for the drinking then why doesn't he just go ahead and drink and be done with it. He is going to anyway, and he is going to blame me anyway. Is it really neccessary to emotionally abuse me on the way.
Ughh, its like a no win situation too because if I ignore his rants then it is because he is right. If I defend myself then it is because he is right. This is crazy.
If it is because he wants to blame me for the drinking then why doesn't he just go ahead and drink and be done with it. He is going to anyway, and he is going to blame me anyway. Is it really neccessary to emotionally abuse me on the way.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Good question and my XAH did it too and I never did it or gave him any reason to believe it. I think their brain starts to deteriorate and they make it up to blame you for something and then they believe it. They can't look at their own ca ca so they blame you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Originally Posted by serinityprayer 
Why do alcoholics constantly accuse you of false affairs. I swear all I have to do is look at another man or speak to another man. And it can set him off accusing me of things or saying that that man wants to do things with me.
Ughh, its like a no win situation too because if I ignore his rants then it is because he is right. If I defend myself then it is because he is right. This is crazy.
If it is because he wants to blame me for the drinking then why doesn't he just go ahead and drink and be done with it. He is going to anyway, and he is going to blame me anyway. Is it really neccessary to emotionally abuse me on the way.
Ughh, its like a no win situation too because if I ignore his rants then it is because he is right. If I defend myself then it is because he is right. This is crazy.
If it is because he wants to blame me for the drinking then why doesn't he just go ahead and drink and be done with it. He is going to anyway, and he is going to blame me anyway. Is it really neccessary to emotionally abuse me on the way.
As for the accusations, and blame, apparently it *is* necessary for them, because honestly, they really are just assholes. he will blame you for random and ugly things and it will just get worse, he will never be decent as long as he is drinking...never. won't happen. I pray you get out, unless you are an abusive ahole yourself, you deserve better. And even alone with NO ONE, is better.
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Join Date: May 2009
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You may want to read this article about the paranoid alcoholic. I think with just about any kind of addiction, paranoia is a common symptom of prolonged use.
Living With a Paranoid Alcoholic: How to Cope With Paranoid Personality Disorder in Your Home
Let me know what you think. Anything fit?
Living With a Paranoid Alcoholic: How to Cope With Paranoid Personality Disorder in Your Home
Let me know what you think. Anything fit?
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
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My XABF used to always used to end every argument he had with me with "Well, enjoy going out with <randomly pick one of the two guys I dated before him>, I know you're back together, he must have been so good to you in your sick little mind, but he'll never be as good as me!"
Eventually I just started telling him to believe what he wanted, so he stopped using former boyfriends and started insulting my parents instead.
EDIT: tjp, that article is helpful, thanks!
Eventually I just started telling him to believe what he wanted, so he stopped using former boyfriends and started insulting my parents instead.
EDIT: tjp, that article is helpful, thanks!
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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Originally Posted by tjp613
You may want to read this article about the paranoid alcoholic. I think with just about any kind of addiction, paranoia is a common symptom of prolonged use.
Living With a Paranoid Alcoholic: How to Cope With Paranoid Personality Disorder in Your Home
Let me know what you think. Anything fit?
Living With a Paranoid Alcoholic: How to Cope With Paranoid Personality Disorder in Your Home
Let me know what you think. Anything fit?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Love the article, thanks much! I think its pretty normal for substance abusers of any kind to be suspicious of anything and everything - they are the ones trying to hide their secret so why wouldn't other people also have lots of secrets?
Plus, I agree with the article that they are emotionally stunted and don't have good people skills or intuition to pick up on body language. An RAH and Al-Anon member in my group talks of his emotional stunting taking place during teenage-hood and how long it took him to relearn how to associate with others after 25 years of drinking.
My AH has done the same thing - over and over again. I just ignore it and feel compassion toward his angst. Must really be lousy to be so wrought with suspicions all the time - imagine the energy they waste worrying about it all! I hope as he journeys through his own recovery he can grow up and let go of this stupid behavior.
Plus, I agree with the article that they are emotionally stunted and don't have good people skills or intuition to pick up on body language. An RAH and Al-Anon member in my group talks of his emotional stunting taking place during teenage-hood and how long it took him to relearn how to associate with others after 25 years of drinking.
My AH has done the same thing - over and over again. I just ignore it and feel compassion toward his angst. Must really be lousy to be so wrought with suspicions all the time - imagine the energy they waste worrying about it all! I hope as he journeys through his own recovery he can grow up and let go of this stupid behavior.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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1) Insecurity...this is a default for a lot of people in relationships, whether they be alkies or not...some people see betrayal everywhere.
2) Blameshifting...shine the light on someone else's "problems" so that you can continue indulging in your addiction comfortably.
2) Blameshifting...shine the light on someone else's "problems" so that you can continue indulging in your addiction comfortably.
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I think because I've removed myself from my A, I no longer feel a need to ask "why"... I'm just interested in whether or not I'm willing to be exposed to the behavior.
(I feel like I'm saying the same thing in every post right now... but that is where I'm at...)
(I feel like I'm saying the same thing in every post right now... but that is where I'm at...)
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 131
It's a very common practice and it make sense to me as well.
Put an insecure and paranoid drunk in a room with their partner and sometimes they can see the disappointment, anger, pity, compassion... in their partner's face.
In their heads they think, "They're looking at me with such disgust (secretly the alcoholic probably looks at themselves that way as well), how could they possibly want to be with me. They probably don't want to be with me. They can only tolerate me because they're seeing someone else. Someone who's prettier, more handsome, funnier, easier going.... than me.
Then, when they hook you into an argument, they keep you enmeshed with their disease and they rationalize another reason to drink.
Put an insecure and paranoid drunk in a room with their partner and sometimes they can see the disappointment, anger, pity, compassion... in their partner's face.
In their heads they think, "They're looking at me with such disgust (secretly the alcoholic probably looks at themselves that way as well), how could they possibly want to be with me. They probably don't want to be with me. They can only tolerate me because they're seeing someone else. Someone who's prettier, more handsome, funnier, easier going.... than me.
Then, when they hook you into an argument, they keep you enmeshed with their disease and they rationalize another reason to drink.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Thanks everyone for replying. That article is helpful tjp, and most of those behaviors describe my husband. One thing though that I don't think would work with my husband is asking him to go for "coaching". He would still take that as an insult, and claim he has no problems that need coached. lol...
lillamy... I hear ya.. " I'm just interested in whether or not I'm willing to be exposed to the behavior." Trying to figure him out, and waiting for him to change has been a very painful experience.
lillamy... I hear ya.. " I'm just interested in whether or not I'm willing to be exposed to the behavior." Trying to figure him out, and waiting for him to change has been a very painful experience.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Nevada City Ca
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For me, trying to figure out my exabf's behavior or understand all the "why's" is like trying to ride a bike underwater. It's exhausting, draining, exasperating, and you never get anywhere.
My exabf used to do the same crap to me. Very suspicious and always accusing me of the craziest stuff. It was maddening.
My exabf used to do the same crap to me. Very suspicious and always accusing me of the craziest stuff. It was maddening.
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Yeah, I also learned that "why" doesn't really matter much. It is what it is. So what are you gonna do with it? I drove myself crazy with the "why" stuff... like if I knew "why" then I could FIX it! WRONG!!!!
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I'm not too keen on some of the suggestions in the article:
•Don’t bring up the past. Work only on the present situation or issue, because paranoids will be looking for signs that you are out to get them, hurt them or ridicule them.
•Don’t hide anything from your significant other. The more transparent you can be, the better chance you have of developing a sense of trust in your loved one. Show him any notes you take, tell him about phone calls, visits with friends, etc. Even though it may seem invasive to you, it will go a long way towards helping your loved one.•Don’t make jokes. Most paranoid individuals have a grossly underdeveloped sense of humor and will feel ridiculed by humor even if it is not directed at them in any way.
•Encourage the alcoholic to attend some classes on “life skills” or “time management” or some other non-threatening activity. He will resist the idea of therapy or alcoholic treatment, but if you call it “coaching” he may agree to participate.
•Don’t respond to him with any show of hostility. When you do, the toxic cycle is perpetuated and nothing is gained for anybody concerned.
Read more at Suite101: Living With a Paranoid Alcoholic: How to Cope With Paranoid Personality Disorder in Your Home Living With a Paranoid Alcoholic: How to Cope With Paranoid Personality Disorder in Your Home
don't make jokes? that are not directed at them in any way? what?
tell them everything I do? - with ex that even now would mean I would have to carry camcorder recording my every move in real time and downloading it for him on a nightly basis: if he rang me at work and was told I was in a meeting he would suspiciously question me about my "absence". If I told him about a meeting in advance he would either forget or think I was setting up an alibi. The more "transparent" I am the more he "needs" more information.
suggest "coaching"? really?
sounds a joyless, miserable dance-to-someone-elses-dysfunctional-tune existance, I can't see how that is practicing detachment-with-love?
•Don’t bring up the past. Work only on the present situation or issue, because paranoids will be looking for signs that you are out to get them, hurt them or ridicule them.
•Don’t hide anything from your significant other. The more transparent you can be, the better chance you have of developing a sense of trust in your loved one. Show him any notes you take, tell him about phone calls, visits with friends, etc. Even though it may seem invasive to you, it will go a long way towards helping your loved one.•Don’t make jokes. Most paranoid individuals have a grossly underdeveloped sense of humor and will feel ridiculed by humor even if it is not directed at them in any way.
•Encourage the alcoholic to attend some classes on “life skills” or “time management” or some other non-threatening activity. He will resist the idea of therapy or alcoholic treatment, but if you call it “coaching” he may agree to participate.
•Don’t respond to him with any show of hostility. When you do, the toxic cycle is perpetuated and nothing is gained for anybody concerned.
Read more at Suite101: Living With a Paranoid Alcoholic: How to Cope With Paranoid Personality Disorder in Your Home Living With a Paranoid Alcoholic: How to Cope With Paranoid Personality Disorder in Your Home
don't make jokes? that are not directed at them in any way? what?
tell them everything I do? - with ex that even now would mean I would have to carry camcorder recording my every move in real time and downloading it for him on a nightly basis: if he rang me at work and was told I was in a meeting he would suspiciously question me about my "absence". If I told him about a meeting in advance he would either forget or think I was setting up an alibi. The more "transparent" I am the more he "needs" more information.
suggest "coaching"? really?
sounds a joyless, miserable dance-to-someone-elses-dysfunctional-tune existance, I can't see how that is practicing detachment-with-love?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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I have a theory that isn't pretty...
It's very, very common behavior for alcohlics. My theory has three parts:
Their low self-esteem combined with their alcohol soaked brains makes them feel not worthy. Feeling not worthy they start to wonder whey the hell we are with them in the first place (actually a very, very good question that goes to our thinkers being broken too). Not finding a good answer (because there isn't one), they conclude we must be cheating on them (which makes them feel good temporarily, as we are the bad guy because we are cheating-- or so they think).
As for item #3...
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
- They are mentally incompetant even if they are "functioning."
- They have very low self esteem.
- They have cheated, they are cheating, or are considering cheating.
Their low self-esteem combined with their alcohol soaked brains makes them feel not worthy. Feeling not worthy they start to wonder whey the hell we are with them in the first place (actually a very, very good question that goes to our thinkers being broken too). Not finding a good answer (because there isn't one), they conclude we must be cheating on them (which makes them feel good temporarily, as we are the bad guy because we are cheating-- or so they think).
As for item #3...
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Yea my 22 year old son told me today, " You know mom it isn't like you would be any worse off if you left dad because all he does is sit around and drink. He has been without a job for a long time due to his addiction and he isn't even trying to find work. Everyone knows dad has issues."
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tell them everything I do? - with ex that even now would mean I would have to carry camcorder recording my every move in real time and downloading it for him on a nightly basis: if he rang me at work and was told I was in a meeting he would suspiciously question me about my "absence". If I told him about a meeting in advance he would either forget or think I was setting up an alibi. The more "transparent" I am the more he "needs" more information.
suggest "coaching"? really?
sounds a joyless, miserable dance-to-someone-elses-dysfunctional-tune existance, I can't see how that is practicing detachment-with-love?
suggest "coaching"? really?
sounds a joyless, miserable dance-to-someone-elses-dysfunctional-tune existance, I can't see how that is practicing detachment-with-love?
I think that the article is written from the point of view of someone trying to HELP their loved one that might be suffering from paranoia, which can be quite dangerous if allowed to escalate. Just as with an abusive situation, "detaching with love" can be downright dangerous and isn't necessarily applicable to all families.
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