REALLY Need Some Advice...
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 15
REALLY Need Some Advice...
So today I saw my exBF for the first time since I made him leave last week. I had an ultrasound that was already previously scheduled so he already knew about it and decided to show up. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I said a prayer that I could keep my composure and MAYBE this would have some meaning to him, maybe seeing his baby on the screen would be a wake up call as to what he will be missing out on if he doesn't get it together. I said none of this to him, only to myself and God. I actually did't say much to him. He on the other hand was apologizing and being very clingy. I said pretty much nothing. During the ultrasound he started crying and after the tech left the room he just kept saying how sorry he was for the stress he put me and the baby through. Normally I would have ate all that up, but I said nothing. If he's really sorry then he will show me with his ACTIONS, not words.
Anyway, I have been very careful not to fall back into my old patterns of "Its ok, we'll fix this TOGETHER". He is currently staying in a shelter since I asked him to leave and I honestly DON'T feel bad at all. I have way more peace in my life knowing if he gets high it's NOT my problem. If he wants to get better then he has to go find his way. This is where my dilema lays... When I got home he called me telling me how concerned he was because he gets paid tomorrow and doesn't want to make a bad decision (he has always admitted money is a trigger for him). He asked me, practically begged me would I please hold his bank card for him after he takes some money off for car fare and lunch so the money is out of his hands. I told him I had to think about it. I must admit this is TRUE progress for me because usually I would jump and say "Of course I will hold it for you, how else may I help you?". This time I am thinking how this will impact ME and if I want any involvement in this. How are we suppose to react when they ask for help and seem to be trying to do the right thing? Do I let him hold the card and if he ends you using, oh well. Would that be letting him hit his bottom or if I do agree to hold the card will I be preventing him from hitting his bottom even though he is the one asking for help (rather then me forcefully offering it).
I can't afford to do the things I always have because I see where it's always gotten us, more importantly ME. I am just so confused as to where to draw the boundries. I have no intention of getting back with him ANY time soon or falling back into "Let me fix this for you". But does that mean absolutely NO contact, NO support, NO helping, even when they ask and seem to be trying to do the right thing? I am so confused.
(Just a side note: he doesn't have any family or close friends in the area he would trust to hold it. I wish he did 
Anyway, I have been very careful not to fall back into my old patterns of "Its ok, we'll fix this TOGETHER". He is currently staying in a shelter since I asked him to leave and I honestly DON'T feel bad at all. I have way more peace in my life knowing if he gets high it's NOT my problem. If he wants to get better then he has to go find his way. This is where my dilema lays... When I got home he called me telling me how concerned he was because he gets paid tomorrow and doesn't want to make a bad decision (he has always admitted money is a trigger for him). He asked me, practically begged me would I please hold his bank card for him after he takes some money off for car fare and lunch so the money is out of his hands. I told him I had to think about it. I must admit this is TRUE progress for me because usually I would jump and say "Of course I will hold it for you, how else may I help you?". This time I am thinking how this will impact ME and if I want any involvement in this. How are we suppose to react when they ask for help and seem to be trying to do the right thing? Do I let him hold the card and if he ends you using, oh well. Would that be letting him hit his bottom or if I do agree to hold the card will I be preventing him from hitting his bottom even though he is the one asking for help (rather then me forcefully offering it).
I can't afford to do the things I always have because I see where it's always gotten us, more importantly ME. I am just so confused as to where to draw the boundries. I have no intention of getting back with him ANY time soon or falling back into "Let me fix this for you". But does that mean absolutely NO contact, NO support, NO helping, even when they ask and seem to be trying to do the right thing? I am so confused.
(Just a side note: he doesn't have any family or close friends in the area he would trust to hold it. I wish he did 
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
SARAH8180, you are so wise and, obviously, have learned early on that you can't be a part of his life as long as he won't help himself.
First let me say that it sounds to me, and believe me I've got lots of experience being a co-dependant, like you are doing everything right!
As far as holding on to his money goes, and I know money can be a trigger because it is also a trigger to my son, he has to do it himself! How else will he ever learn. What he does with it is his choice. He is not a child, he definitely knows right from wrong, so my suggestion is you keep your boundaries in place and include this in them. This way he will get the message that even if his intentions were honorable, you cannot and will not "baby sit" him anymore. You might just be saving his life!
Incidentally, I think it's a good thing that he doesn't have any family or close friends to help him!!! He must learn to do it himself, just as we all have had to do as adults.
You're doing great! Stick to your guns.
Tell us about your baby!!
Hugs, Devastated
First let me say that it sounds to me, and believe me I've got lots of experience being a co-dependant, like you are doing everything right!
As far as holding on to his money goes, and I know money can be a trigger because it is also a trigger to my son, he has to do it himself! How else will he ever learn. What he does with it is his choice. He is not a child, he definitely knows right from wrong, so my suggestion is you keep your boundaries in place and include this in them. This way he will get the message that even if his intentions were honorable, you cannot and will not "baby sit" him anymore. You might just be saving his life!
Incidentally, I think it's a good thing that he doesn't have any family or close friends to help him!!! He must learn to do it himself, just as we all have had to do as adults.
You're doing great! Stick to your guns.
Tell us about your baby!!
Hugs, Devastated
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Do not hold the bank card for him. He has to do this on his own...That will also bring more drama into your life...because what good is holding the bank card...when he asks you for money..you will give it to him. Take it from me...I hold my sisters money...and she is always asking for it early etc. Now, I am holding my sons bank card but that is because I get stuck paying his rent when he goes over....so DONT do it...I have alot of experience with this...and if you do it...it is an added responsibility for you...and you are doing GREAT...Keep up the good work.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Being supportive is different than directly helping or enabling. You can be emotionally supportive when he does the right thing or acknowledges what he is putting you through is hell.
But it is actions that matter. He has lots of other alternatives to using. Right now that money being set aside for drugs is more important than for the baby on the way? What kind of insanity is that?
You are letting the guilt eat you up.
I am not a believer in tough love as I don't think it is warranted in every case but you are going to have a child, you don't need another one right now. Do what you feel is right for YOU.
Sounds like you are the one who needs support and help right now, and he is 'worried' he may spend money on drugs?? Howabout saving up for child support
So you are doing the right thing in not giving in. He needs to grow up.
But it is actions that matter. He has lots of other alternatives to using. Right now that money being set aside for drugs is more important than for the baby on the way? What kind of insanity is that?
You are letting the guilt eat you up.
I am not a believer in tough love as I don't think it is warranted in every case but you are going to have a child, you don't need another one right now. Do what you feel is right for YOU.
Sounds like you are the one who needs support and help right now, and he is 'worried' he may spend money on drugs?? Howabout saving up for child support
So you are doing the right thing in not giving in. He needs to grow up.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 105
Everyones right Sarah. Don't hold the card for him. I did that with my sons money and we're right back to square one and he's using again. Take care of yourself and that baby. Let him be responsible for himself all the way. You sound like a smart girl and I bet you already knew the answer to your question. This site is wonderful, the support is great so keep posting and let us know how you and that lil one are doing.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 15
Well I can't ever truely thank you all enough. Thank God I posted this question BEFORE I gave him an answer as opposed to after. All your advice really changed the way I was looking at things. The conversation went better then expected, although that's no guarantee of the outcome, at least not for him, but guess what - I DON'T CARE. (well i do a little, but no where near as obsessed as I usually would be). It felt good and empowering to allow him to keep the responsibility of his actions and his disease.
I told him I wouldn't be able to hold the card for him because in doing so i was taking away the opportunity for him to learn how to manage his own money properly and feel the effects of his decisions, be it good or bad. I told him I didn't want to take away the chance for him to do the right thing for HIMSELF, and if I keep "helping" him he will never know what that feels like. He is responsible for his choices, not me. I also let him know he can do the right thing if HE wants to because I've seen him do it before. It's all about his choices and his decisions and if he chooses to do the wrong thing then he will have to suffer the consequenses.
I told him the only way I would be willing to support him in this is if he needs some one to talk to to encourage him or remind him that he CAN do this, then I will lend an ear. Otherwise, he needs to find healthier ways to deal with his "urges" and "triggers". (go to a meeting, call a friend ect..).
Now I just hope that if he does end up taking the money and using, that I don't feel guilty because he asked for help and I refused, but this madness has to stop somewhere and if nothing else I can stop playing MY part. Thank you all so much, you guys are the best
I told him I wouldn't be able to hold the card for him because in doing so i was taking away the opportunity for him to learn how to manage his own money properly and feel the effects of his decisions, be it good or bad. I told him I didn't want to take away the chance for him to do the right thing for HIMSELF, and if I keep "helping" him he will never know what that feels like. He is responsible for his choices, not me. I also let him know he can do the right thing if HE wants to because I've seen him do it before. It's all about his choices and his decisions and if he chooses to do the wrong thing then he will have to suffer the consequenses.
I told him the only way I would be willing to support him in this is if he needs some one to talk to to encourage him or remind him that he CAN do this, then I will lend an ear. Otherwise, he needs to find healthier ways to deal with his "urges" and "triggers". (go to a meeting, call a friend ect..).
Now I just hope that if he does end up taking the money and using, that I don't feel guilty because he asked for help and I refused, but this madness has to stop somewhere and if nothing else I can stop playing MY part. Thank you all so much, you guys are the best
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Sarah
You're going to end up being the poster child for SOBERRECOVERY!
My son is in a rehab as we speak. He called the other day and asked if I remembered the date of an appointment he has in February. I said I did not, but if he would call back I'd try and find out. Do you know what he said? He said, "no, thanks anyway, I'll just look up the number and call myself; that would be codependent behavior." OOPS, I just thought it was called "helping!"
So you see, Sarah, the slightest thing we do for an addict is called "Codependent behavior!"
Good for you for waiting to make a decision!
Hugs, Devastated
My son is in a rehab as we speak. He called the other day and asked if I remembered the date of an appointment he has in February. I said I did not, but if he would call back I'd try and find out. Do you know what he said? He said, "no, thanks anyway, I'll just look up the number and call myself; that would be codependent behavior." OOPS, I just thought it was called "helping!"
So you see, Sarah, the slightest thing we do for an addict is called "Codependent behavior!"
Good for you for waiting to make a decision!
Hugs, Devastated
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