Relationship Issue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Relationship Issue
I'm having yet another relationship crisis, hope you can help.
20 years ago, my AH and I had a huge row with my MIL which had been brewing for quite a while. It ended with her calling me names and wishing that I rot in hell. My AH said that MIL had to apologize to us before she would be allowed back into our lives.
My MIL never did and even stopped all communication with her granddaughters (6 months and 3 years). This ended up doing more damage than the original row. My MIL also made her two other children (my AH brother and sister) choose between her or us and they chose her. So for the past 19 yrs we have had no contact with them at all.
My FIL died at the beginning of last year and my AH went over to the UK from Aus for his funeral. He talked with his brother and sister and they all agreed to begin email contact with each other and this has been happening slowly.
Fast forward a year and my AH has spoken once (Christmas Day) to his eldest daughter who lives in the UK, he has no relationship with her and blames it on her and thinks she should be sorting things out with him. His youngest daughter moved out due to his bullying, alcoholic behaviors, and has stopped contacting her dad as he is always drunk or says he will do things for her but doesn't show.
I have just found out that he has 'added' his brother, SIL, sister, Brothers son to his facebook and even phoned his sister before Xmas and spoke for 1hr 1/2. I think that he should have at least asked me about how I felt about it before adding them to his facebook, to make sure that he wasnt hurting my feelings. I also feel that he is busy pushing his own family away and replacing us with his old one and it hurts.
I know that I wont be able to talk to him about this as he will rage about his family if I say anything negative about them, even though it hurt me so much too when they abandoned us all those years ago.
Sorry for the war and piece, but I am really stuck for someone to talk this over with and thought of you SR.
20 years ago, my AH and I had a huge row with my MIL which had been brewing for quite a while. It ended with her calling me names and wishing that I rot in hell. My AH said that MIL had to apologize to us before she would be allowed back into our lives.
My MIL never did and even stopped all communication with her granddaughters (6 months and 3 years). This ended up doing more damage than the original row. My MIL also made her two other children (my AH brother and sister) choose between her or us and they chose her. So for the past 19 yrs we have had no contact with them at all.
My FIL died at the beginning of last year and my AH went over to the UK from Aus for his funeral. He talked with his brother and sister and they all agreed to begin email contact with each other and this has been happening slowly.
Fast forward a year and my AH has spoken once (Christmas Day) to his eldest daughter who lives in the UK, he has no relationship with her and blames it on her and thinks she should be sorting things out with him. His youngest daughter moved out due to his bullying, alcoholic behaviors, and has stopped contacting her dad as he is always drunk or says he will do things for her but doesn't show.
I have just found out that he has 'added' his brother, SIL, sister, Brothers son to his facebook and even phoned his sister before Xmas and spoke for 1hr 1/2. I think that he should have at least asked me about how I felt about it before adding them to his facebook, to make sure that he wasnt hurting my feelings. I also feel that he is busy pushing his own family away and replacing us with his old one and it hurts.
I know that I wont be able to talk to him about this as he will rage about his family if I say anything negative about them, even though it hurt me so much too when they abandoned us all those years ago.
Sorry for the war and piece, but I am really stuck for someone to talk this over with and thought of you SR.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
His heart is big enough for the family he has with you and reconnecting with the family he left.
You don't have to lose anything.
He might gain something--peace, for one.
Might you be happy for him?
Maybe his sister and brother hold nothing against you, but they were forced. MIL sounds very controlling.
They might want to be a friend on your facebook too!
What behavior leads to you feeling that he is busy pushing the family with you away? Is it possible he is preoccupied and very excited to have his family back in his life?
You don't have to lose anything.
He might gain something--peace, for one.
Might you be happy for him?
Maybe his sister and brother hold nothing against you, but they were forced. MIL sounds very controlling.
They might want to be a friend on your facebook too!
What behavior leads to you feeling that he is busy pushing the family with you away? Is it possible he is preoccupied and very excited to have his family back in his life?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I think its because he is 'hiding' it from me. (he doesn't know that I know) He has not discussed it with me to make sure that I am ok with what he is doing. Am I wrong to believe that he should have said 'my brother has added me to his facebook, how do you feel about that?' I am not saying that I am unhappy about him having a relationship with his brother/sister but it shouldn't be to the detriment of his wife and daughters.
He is not even trying to have a relationship with his daughters currently and its making me feel very, very sad. My youngest daughter (20yrs) feels as though her dad is pushing us away.
Our marriage has been full of secrets - secret drinking, smoking, porn, email affairs and this is just one more to add to the list.
He is not even trying to have a relationship with his daughters currently and its making me feel very, very sad. My youngest daughter (20yrs) feels as though her dad is pushing us away.
Our marriage has been full of secrets - secret drinking, smoking, porn, email affairs and this is just one more to add to the list.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hey there lovely. It sounds like there is so much going on that you are hurt over, that this is one more thing to pile on top, and you are focussing on it, but perhaps it isn't really the cause of your hurt?
His relationship with his siblings is his business really, you were hurt when they severed contact, I imagine he was too, and now he's building bridges. Him pushing you and your children away must be very hurtful but I suspect getting back in touch with his Family of Origin isn't the cause of that (although it may be a symptom or entirely unconnected). Other people are not to blame, or responsible, or any part at all, for how he treats you, he is. He chooses what he does.
How are you?
His relationship with his siblings is his business really, you were hurt when they severed contact, I imagine he was too, and now he's building bridges. Him pushing you and your children away must be very hurtful but I suspect getting back in touch with his Family of Origin isn't the cause of that (although it may be a symptom or entirely unconnected). Other people are not to blame, or responsible, or any part at all, for how he treats you, he is. He chooses what he does.
How are you?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 16
I think the area to concentrate on would be his lack of relationship with his daughters, that will be extremely damaging and hurtful to the girls. Maybe he will tell you about reconnecting with is siblings when he feels its going to be long term.
Good luck x
Good luck x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I know him reconnecting with his siblings isn't the cause of my pain and as DR Phil would say 'get to the route of the problem'. I have been giving this some thought today and I think its because he is unable to be open and honest with me that's hurting the most. Also down to his lack of interest in his own daughters which hurts me a lot and puts me in the middle, and I have tried to talk to him about this but he pulls the alcoholic bu****t with me, saying I have poisoned them against him, calls them names or blames it on them.
It is one more thing to add to the pile of what I consider to be a rotting marriage. I do think marriage counseling would be a good thing for us at the moment, but I am not prepared to do that with someone active in his alcoholism and deep in denial. No Point, been there before (twice).
It is one more thing to add to the pile of what I consider to be a rotting marriage. I do think marriage counseling would be a good thing for us at the moment, but I am not prepared to do that with someone active in his alcoholism and deep in denial. No Point, been there before (twice).
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I can see why you would be hurt if he is choosing his family of origin over you and your daughter. But making inroads with his brother by "friending" him on Facebook is pretty non-threatening for him (and you, too, I think). I see Facebook as a "toe in the water" way to start building or re-building relationships--no heavy lifting required.
On the other hand, to really rebuild his relationship with you and your daughter, LOTS of heavy lifting required. So he's taking the low-hanging fruit at this point.
If it were me, I wouldn't mind the Facebook connection, and I wouldn't expect to be consulted. Now, if he started taking trips back to the UK to see his brother without consulting you, that would be another story.
As I get older, I see that if family issues are unresolved, there's often a lot of pain when someone dies leaving someone in a hurtful frame ofmind. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of someone making a vital reconnection with a family member. In my mind, in most cases, I would leave it up to the person to decide on how they want to conduct the relationship. Forgiving old hurts can be a huge growth experience.
My AH never liked my mother (vice versa). That negatively impacted my relationship with my mother, because I didn't feel comfortable inviting her down for extended stays. So I saw her very little--too little. She's dead now and there's no going back. To my AH credit, he admits that he treated her badly, and that his one regret in life was that he didn't accept her more lovingly in the family. No one wants that kind of water under the bridge if they can help it.
On the other hand, to really rebuild his relationship with you and your daughter, LOTS of heavy lifting required. So he's taking the low-hanging fruit at this point.
If it were me, I wouldn't mind the Facebook connection, and I wouldn't expect to be consulted. Now, if he started taking trips back to the UK to see his brother without consulting you, that would be another story.
As I get older, I see that if family issues are unresolved, there's often a lot of pain when someone dies leaving someone in a hurtful frame ofmind. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of someone making a vital reconnection with a family member. In my mind, in most cases, I would leave it up to the person to decide on how they want to conduct the relationship. Forgiving old hurts can be a huge growth experience.
My AH never liked my mother (vice versa). That negatively impacted my relationship with my mother, because I didn't feel comfortable inviting her down for extended stays. So I saw her very little--too little. She's dead now and there's no going back. To my AH credit, he admits that he treated her badly, and that his one regret in life was that he didn't accept her more lovingly in the family. No one wants that kind of water under the bridge if they can help it.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
imho your husband has to live his life with his family.
Here are your concerns: Our marriage has been full of secrets - secret drinking, smoking, porn, email affairs
That's YOUR life being affected.
Are these deal breakers for you?
Is he actively addressing these issues?
Clearly they are issues for you.
What can you do to protect yourself?
Hugs,
peace
Here are your concerns: Our marriage has been full of secrets - secret drinking, smoking, porn, email affairs
That's YOUR life being affected.
Are these deal breakers for you?
Is he actively addressing these issues?
Clearly they are issues for you.
What can you do to protect yourself?
Hugs,
peace
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Eight Ball 
I think its because he is 'hiding' it from me. (he doesn't know that I know) He has not discussed it with me to make sure that I am ok with what he is doing. Am I wrong to believe that he should have said 'my brother has added me to his facebook, how do you feel about that?'
My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations of others, especially those active in alcoholism, addiction, and/or codependency.
You have already said your marriage has been full of secrets.
Why would this be any different?
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