iloveanaddict

my fiance's (recovering addict) friends wife died this morning from drug OD when i asked him this evening if he wanted me to come up (we're less than 2 hours apart) he got quiet and didnt talk to me the rest of the evening so i text him to say goodnight and he texts back telling me to just go get someone to f*&k thats all i want anyways!? i just dont get it, i'm really hurt and confused. is this a trait of an addict?

Impurrfect

I kinda agree with (((Cynical))) - some people are just rude, unsociable, and don't give a damn about anyone but themselves, addict or not.

Here's my experience...with XABF#1 for over 20 years. He adored my mom. When she died, he was "too hungover" to attend her funeral, had gone to the lake, the day before with another female and got drunk, he was so upset. Three years later, I had a stepmom with siblings for the first time in my life (I was an only child). I loved my baby stepsister so very much. She was in a car wreck...I called and asked him to drive me to the hospital (about 1-1/2 away), he said "no". I called to tell him she was brain dead, on life support, and he said "well, you couldn't have loved her anyway, you didn't know her that long".

That was the beginning of MY descent into addiction, though I do not blame him...it's all on me.

This, to me, is not acceptable behavior. I'm sure he is upset, but still. He's given you a clear sign to back off, and I would do just that. Keep doing YOU, sweetie, 'cause you're the only person you have control of, in this situation.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

lightseeker

I know you must be hurting by the way that he is treating you. I hope, though, that when you look at it and see your part in it that you realize that it is not anything that you did but be supportive.

It sounds like you are dealing with someone that communicates in hurtful and unkind ways in the face of adversity. Is this how you want to be treated? I don't care if someone is grieving/upset.....that is not a hallpass to be ugly and hurtful.

This might be a good time to take a look at your situation. Is this really the type of man that you want around your children....modeling behavior? Let alone - do you really want someone in your life that would say such mean and hurtful things to you?

I completely agree with cynical....some people are just jerks. They might be "ok" when things are going the way they want them but when tough times occur their true colors come out. Sounds like you are seeing ome true colors.

No matter, I know it hurts.....but consider that short term pain is one thing and a lifetime of abuse/hurt is another. It sounds like what you experienced was emotional abuse.

iloveanaddict

ooooh I just want to scream. you are all right, he is just a jerk.. i even went so far as to reseach characteristics of a sociopath, lol.. close but seems like a jumbled mess of all of them but who am i to point fingers? i do just need to back off.. this is not the first time he's done this and yes the finger is always pointed at me as if i was the one that did wrong and little or no remorse on his end as if he really believes his shift of responsibilty onto me. The real problem is me enabling this behaviour, i have just been making up excuses and allowing him to treat me this way. Now the staying away part.. thats where my biggest/difficulty problem comes in. i need to find a coda group in my area.. i often find myself feeling like no one will love and want me the way he does.. but thats not love is it? he does show his love in other ways though. now this is where i start making up excuses again.. geeez i need help

Kindeyes

The behaviors you describe here are pretty classic addiction and codependent. The addict projects the blame for everything onto the codependent. And we, the codependent, don't understand why so we try harder to please them so we "aren't to blame". But we are still blamed....and we try harder. And all that really succeeds in doing is validating the addicts position......the codependent must be responsible for all of their problems because the codependent is the one trying to deal with them and is taking responsibility for them. Does that make sense?

It's a vicious cycle.

And I agree and disagree with the previous posters (hmmmm....sounds wishy washy....but that's the way I feel about it). Addicts do say really mean things and stomp all over the codependent because we often have poorly defined boundaries. Those behaviors are not acceptable and will continue as long as we allow it. The part I do agree with is that take the "addiction" out of the equation, it's unacceptable behavior.

And regarding that you don't feel like anyone will love you the way he does...you deserve to be loved by someone who respects you and your boundaries. You are a good, kind, loving woman who deserves the same from her man.

gentle hugs

sofacat

HIM- "...just go get someone to f*&k thats all i want anyways!"

YOU- "i often find myself feeling like no one will love and want me the way he does."

That's not love...that's just downright mean. Keep working on your Codependency, and hopefully you will be right. No one should love you the way he does. He sucks.

iloveanaddict

yeah addict or no addict there is no excuse and yes its my fault i thought anything other than a vile intestinal evil would come out of the ******* ...
lol..
i need to set boundaries for myself but setting them doesnt mean i will respect them.. so where do i start? self esteem? how does someone build up their self esteem

lightseeker

....just one more thought regarding your quote that you fear that you will never find another person to love you the way that he loves you.

I hope that you won't ever have to find another person that loves you the way that he loves you. The way that he seems to love doesn't seem very nice at all. Intermittant "love" is not love at all.

I think that reading between the lines and listening to what we are saying provides a whole lot of insight sometimes. You ask where to start....it sounds like you already have. Just keep reading/learning and find some meetings and the rest will follow.

I've found that what I've needed all along is to finally learn to love myself the way that I was hoping that I could find some man to love me.

iloveanaddict

maybe the problem lies in not really knowing what 'real love' is

wicked

I am sure that is a problem for me.
But how to recognize it?
How does it look?

Yeah, I am supposed to know it when I see it.
Right, and if I have never seen it, then I will never know.

Beth

iloveanaddict

beth,

thats also very true for me.. only 'love' i have ever felt is not perfect. is there such a thing ? we are human how can we love perfect? if we could why are there so many divorced.. but on the other hand, maybe more people than i realized havent experienced real love

wicked

yes, where are they?
i am 51 and i am ready, just need some direction here.
not kidding, i am at a loss.
and fear keeps me thinking i will keep finding someone with deep issues.
especially at my age now,
some 30 year old with mommy issues!
(okay, i couldnt help that, it is an uncomfortable subject, so i make a joke)

Beth

iloveanaddict

i was joking around today with a friend saying that i am oddly attracted to a&& holes and even more sick that i am surprised when they are only capable of shi%%ing on me.. thats goes along with a quote i think it was einstein that says 'insanity is when you do the same thing over again and expect a different result' I guess it really does start with me.. unless i change how can i expect my outcome to be different

Kindeyes

The topic last night in the chat F&F meeting was "self love". Someone changed the term to "self care". Either way you look at it....it is important.

Some of us were so de-valued in our formative years that it takes a lot to overcome. It takes a lot of work.

If we set boundaries and don't hold them, they aren't boundaries. Personally, I grew up in a home where my "boundaries" were seen as targets--and certain members of my family went on seek and destroy missions. It became very difficult for me to even acknowledge or recognize my own boundaries, much less enforce or hold them!

I've learned about boundaries here on SR and in my Naranon meetings and readings. I've slowly learned to recognize the "icky" feeling I get when someone is crossing my boundary.....that icky feeling is my signal that I need to do something. Either verbalize my boundary or remove myself from the situation or in some cases.......do nothing (no reaction--because sometimes a reaction is the desired result of the person violating my boundary).

Perfectly stated.

gentle hugs

iloveanaddict

that 'icky' feeling i am assuming is very much like the nagging gut wrenching feeling i get.. sometimes it comes when i just fear something will go wrong not necessarily when something has.. its often paralyzing, i cant fall asleep, if i get to sleep i cant stay asleep. my heart often aches also, i have no appetite and feel i am damned if i stay with him and damned if i leave because usually its more intense when i state my boundaries... so yeah, i need to get out while i can. this repetitious falling for the wrong guy really concerns me though.. why is it that i am not attracted to or even get close enough to other types? and often it takes me a long time to see what ive gotten myself into.. usually when its to the point i have deeply fallen in love with the person. at least i think its love?

Impurrfect

Sweetie, I'm in the same boat as you and ((Wicked)) and many of us here. I seem to attract the men who have serious issues. I just took a break from men...started reading/posting here more. I started setting little boundaries, though I felt literally sick with fear when I did it, when I held strong I got a bit stronger.

I still don't know what true love feels like, having spent my entire adult life with A's, but I know what I DON'T want and I am way better at picking up on red flags than I used to be. It takes time, meetings help, coming here helps.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Babyblue

His reaction isn't that of someone who is truly in recovery. You sure he isn't using again? If he isn't using then he is a disrespectful jerk and you can't change someone. Not that using makes it justified, but at least it can be explained to a degree.

I don't know, If any guy told me what your guy said, that would be it. I go into a relationship with that boundary: that he is to be respectful. Loving someone doesn't give them license to treat you that way. How would you respond if one of your girl pals said that to you?

It has nothing to do with love or addiction in the sense that he has emotionally abusive tendencies. If you are going to marry this man, and he says this now, it to me is a HUGE red flag.

iloveanaddict

I just cant give up on this.. why? i never loved someone so much. i know this sounds stupid but i feel i could never be happy without him and things are not working as they are either. maybe he is using again? i dont know.. i just need to back away and work on my problems now and love myself the way i need loved and maybe he will come around, maybe he wont.

Impurrfect

((Ilove)) - WE become as addicted to them, and the dysfunction, as THEY are to the drugs and all that comes with it. I've been on both sides, and though we feel like life will never get better, we NEED/LOVE "it" (drugs or a person), we CAN and do go on with life. It's not easy, but it's very worth it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy