Encouraging someone to do Al-Anon, can you?
Dismember
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Encouraging someone to do Al-Anon, can you?
Hello everyone,
Writing with kind of an unusual question/topic for the forum. In this case I am the A, and rather than dealing with an alcoholic friend or family, I'm wondering about just a family member.
So my mom has been a pretty big blessing since I started having problems with alcohol. She has supported me pretty well, also through some bad mental health problems, and has been pretty inflexible on the "no drinking" thing. But being in recovery for three years now I've also learned a bit about codependency and detachment, and there I think there are some problems.
Almost from the start my mom has taken a lot of extra steps to stop me from drinking. She had access to my bank account and drew all my money out when I was first getting sober. While I was in the hospital once for mental health/non-alcohol issues she moved all my things out of my apartment so I'd have to go live at home (I wasn't technically on the lease, had no car to move my stuff back, so it was hard to fight.) She's even assumed herself as the cure for my alcoholism, e.g. saying AA "wasn't working" because I had had a few relapses, and that if I'd just call her when I wanted to drink I wouldn't have a problem anymore.
I'm also on SR now because she snuck onto my computer while I was away once and read all my posts on another recovery forum because she said I "don't talk to her enough about my sobriety." Had to delete my account.
For the most part I've been patient with this. Sometimes even grateful for the extra control over me. I have put her through a lot. I have my own sobriety to worry about, not what she wants my sobriety to be. But this week it's getting a little bit hard.
I am moving shortly, across states, into a sober house with sober friends. And moving out of my family's house where I've been due to unemployment. At first my mom was very happy with this idea. She even agreed to adopt my cat who can't travel with me. Everything was fine until I set a move out date. Now I'm being told that I'm making "the worst mistake of my life" because I'll drink to death out there. She's now saying I am abandoning my cat because I'm irresponsible. A lot of things.
Maybe I am wrong but this seems like more attempts to "mother the alcoholism out of me." This flip-flopping is fear that if she's not figuratively 10 feet away I will go back out. Yes, I am an adult, and I am taking care of my own. I do not require her approval for my decisions. Problem is two-fold:
1. I do need some support, like her being consistent about taking care of my cat, not withdrawing money out of my account (which she hinted at this morning), etc. Not having transportation and living way out in a rural area also puts me in a difficult place.
2. I think she'd do well to do Al-Anon. I have encouraged her in the past, but she always says she doesn't have time or things like "I wouldn't need support if you did your sobriety better." I realize you can't force Al-Anon anymore than AA, but I don't think she even knows it is or does.
I really wanted to keep things short. Don't think I did so well. Basically I'm asking, Is there any way I can drop stronger hints that she maybe needs to work on her own recovery and try Al-Anon?
Writing with kind of an unusual question/topic for the forum. In this case I am the A, and rather than dealing with an alcoholic friend or family, I'm wondering about just a family member.
So my mom has been a pretty big blessing since I started having problems with alcohol. She has supported me pretty well, also through some bad mental health problems, and has been pretty inflexible on the "no drinking" thing. But being in recovery for three years now I've also learned a bit about codependency and detachment, and there I think there are some problems.
Almost from the start my mom has taken a lot of extra steps to stop me from drinking. She had access to my bank account and drew all my money out when I was first getting sober. While I was in the hospital once for mental health/non-alcohol issues she moved all my things out of my apartment so I'd have to go live at home (I wasn't technically on the lease, had no car to move my stuff back, so it was hard to fight.) She's even assumed herself as the cure for my alcoholism, e.g. saying AA "wasn't working" because I had had a few relapses, and that if I'd just call her when I wanted to drink I wouldn't have a problem anymore.
I'm also on SR now because she snuck onto my computer while I was away once and read all my posts on another recovery forum because she said I "don't talk to her enough about my sobriety." Had to delete my account.
For the most part I've been patient with this. Sometimes even grateful for the extra control over me. I have put her through a lot. I have my own sobriety to worry about, not what she wants my sobriety to be. But this week it's getting a little bit hard.
I am moving shortly, across states, into a sober house with sober friends. And moving out of my family's house where I've been due to unemployment. At first my mom was very happy with this idea. She even agreed to adopt my cat who can't travel with me. Everything was fine until I set a move out date. Now I'm being told that I'm making "the worst mistake of my life" because I'll drink to death out there. She's now saying I am abandoning my cat because I'm irresponsible. A lot of things.
Maybe I am wrong but this seems like more attempts to "mother the alcoholism out of me." This flip-flopping is fear that if she's not figuratively 10 feet away I will go back out. Yes, I am an adult, and I am taking care of my own. I do not require her approval for my decisions. Problem is two-fold:
1. I do need some support, like her being consistent about taking care of my cat, not withdrawing money out of my account (which she hinted at this morning), etc. Not having transportation and living way out in a rural area also puts me in a difficult place.
2. I think she'd do well to do Al-Anon. I have encouraged her in the past, but she always says she doesn't have time or things like "I wouldn't need support if you did your sobriety better." I realize you can't force Al-Anon anymore than AA, but I don't think she even knows it is or does.
I really wanted to keep things short. Don't think I did so well. Basically I'm asking, Is there any way I can drop stronger hints that she maybe needs to work on her own recovery and try Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Hi there, I can understand what you're going through on many levels; I was raised by a Mom who desperately needed Al Anon (my dad + her Dad = A's) and I myself also joined Al Anon a few years back (I married an A) and then I also wonder about it later in life for my own son (Since I am also, ta da, an A) - phew!
Like AA there is a lot of literature available; there are books and there are pamphlets usually at the meetings. Maybe you could find an Al Anon meeting in your/her area and check it out? I know my Mom really well and I know there might be certain meetings she would like better than others, if she would go. (She has claimed that she went years ago but didn't like the people.)
Since the idea is the principle of attraction, does she see how the 12 steps have helped you? Would she maybe go to an Al Anon meeting if you vetted it first or if you went with her?
Sounds like she REALLY needs it! Being an addict's mom is hard to shoulder alone; and there are so many moms of A's and other addicts in some Al Anon meetings I attend. Moms and Dads of all ages.
All the best!
Hugs,
Soph
Like AA there is a lot of literature available; there are books and there are pamphlets usually at the meetings. Maybe you could find an Al Anon meeting in your/her area and check it out? I know my Mom really well and I know there might be certain meetings she would like better than others, if she would go. (She has claimed that she went years ago but didn't like the people.)
Since the idea is the principle of attraction, does she see how the 12 steps have helped you? Would she maybe go to an Al Anon meeting if you vetted it first or if you went with her?
Sounds like she REALLY needs it! Being an addict's mom is hard to shoulder alone; and there are so many moms of A's and other addicts in some Al Anon meetings I attend. Moms and Dads of all ages.
All the best!
Hugs,
Soph
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Isaiah. First let me say good for you for getting sober, working your program, and taking a next step toward independence. I am also a recovering, abstinent alcoholic. I do not know the answer to your question except to say that it must be hard to be a mother and really hard to be a mother of an alcoholic. I think the best thing you can do for your Mom is take the BEST care of yourself as you possibly can and just tell her straight up, with no complaints and no explanation, "I would like for you to give AlAnon a try."
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
There's nothing wrong with encouraging her to attend alanon, maybe printing some stuff about it off and letting her read it. After that though, the decision is hers. I wouldn't continue to mention it unless she brings it up.
When you move out, will she still have access to your bank account? That would concern me since she could remove money thinking she was doing it for your own good, but this is YOUR recovery, not hers. We moms love our kids so much, but sometimes we do things that we think might be helpful, but in fact, do just the opposite.
When you move out, will she still have access to your bank account? That would concern me since she could remove money thinking she was doing it for your own good, but this is YOUR recovery, not hers. We moms love our kids so much, but sometimes we do things that we think might be helpful, but in fact, do just the opposite.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
I agree with Suki.
Youir bank account is yours - to either misuse, in which case you will have to face the financial consequences and thereafter bail yourself out; or, in the alternative - you prove yourself to be financially responsible and savvy which thereafter boosts your self-esteem and confidence.
You need to make your own way - and live and learn by the mistakes which we all inevitably make along the way.
Youir bank account is yours - to either misuse, in which case you will have to face the financial consequences and thereafter bail yourself out; or, in the alternative - you prove yourself to be financially responsible and savvy which thereafter boosts your self-esteem and confidence.
You need to make your own way - and live and learn by the mistakes which we all inevitably make along the way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Congratulations Isaiah on your sobriety. I too grew up with a mom who needed/needs to go to Alanon. I think my dad who is the sober (dry) A could benefit from Alanon too. I understand your mom's love & determination.. What your mom has done had provided you with support to help you get sober. I do think some of those "controlling"/"take charge" qualities *can* be helpful to *some* people in the beginning. However, it sounds like she needs to find a way to let go, respect your recovery path, and let you pave your way. She will not only drive you insane but herself & everyone else around her. It is no fun feeling like one has to "check up" on another adult (even if it is one's beloved son or daughter I hope she finds her own recovery & you contine w/ your own.
It must be scary for your mom (I can relate) but she too can find her own freedom & happiness by giving you the dignity to take charge of your recovery. . .
It must be scary for your mom (I can relate) but she too can find her own freedom & happiness by giving you the dignity to take charge of your recovery. . .
Dismember
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Indeed. I was going to close this bank account as it were. It's a local bank and wont do me much good when I'm across the country. I am sure I can close it out Monday and all will be well, I just didn't like the suggestion that she doesn't trust me with my own money--it's the lack of boundaries I don't like. It'd be one thing if I was just getting sober, but I stayed clean all but six days in all of 2010.
I'll check out Al-Anon lit and see if anything might not speak to her. Thanks. The last time I mentioned Al-Anon it was pretty bad timing. And I have talked about my success in AA, but she has been skeptical right from the start. I really don't know why.
I am definitely working my own recovery and needs first. But I think I have enough time and armor to take a few steps outside that circle. Seems like a little effort could have a big payback for both of us. Maybe she can relax and not stake her value as a mother on her ability to manage her life and my addiction.
I'll check out Al-Anon lit and see if anything might not speak to her. Thanks. The last time I mentioned Al-Anon it was pretty bad timing. And I have talked about my success in AA, but she has been skeptical right from the start. I really don't know why.
I am definitely working my own recovery and needs first. But I think I have enough time and armor to take a few steps outside that circle. Seems like a little effort could have a big payback for both of us. Maybe she can relax and not stake her value as a mother on her ability to manage her life and my addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by yorkiegirl 
You can tell her that her going to Alanon might be the greatest help in your recovery.
This is an awesome idea, and it is so very true.
Congratulations Isaiah, on your sobriety, and on your new venture. I find it really nice that you appreciate your mom's efforts, even tho you realize that they are often codependent in nature. I would guess, as a mom of an A, that she is just frightened by the thought of "letting go".
yorkiegirls statement may just reach your mom. I pray it will, for the good of both of you.
hugs and best wishes
chicory
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Isaiah
...I stayed clean all but six days in all of 2010...
but she has been skeptical right from the start. I really don't know why.
but she has been skeptical right from the start. I really don't know why.
This would explain skepticism to me, of someone who had been exposed to an alcoholic and who remains distrustful of the recovery process.
If she's deep into codependency, she can be made aware of Alanon, but she will respond as she will, and when she will, if ever. Both AA and Alanon are programs of attraction, not promotion, which means once awareness of the program exits, the rest is entirely up to the interested (or not) party, to engage.
Regardless, you are an adult and have every right to be treated as one, and to hold the privacies granted one.
We (on our side of the fence) say not to plan things that rely on the alcoholic, and likewise it might be useful to extend that logic the other direction, i.e. your cat - this is a potential point of control you would be handing her, relying on her to take/keep your pet. If you want to be independent, you muddy the waters if you create dependencies such as this.
Congrats on your recovery, I have enjoyed reading your posts in other places!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Isaiah,
Welcome to the F & F section of S/R!
Yeah, I think you can encourage her to attend al-anon. But, IMHO, she's not going to hear you. If she has already pooh-poohed A.A., I'm quite sure it will be the same.
Remember how you would have reacted before you were ready to get sober, to the suggestion of going to A.A?
As one of the "enabler" or "codependent" types, I understand the strong need to be someone's everything -- their panacea, their encyclopedia, their friend, their god.
It's a sick need and that is what is driving her. She needs you to need her. I think it's going to be rough on her as you get closer to, then actually do, move.
And when you do, well just brace yourself.
But, I am SO GLAD that you are! It should be a good environment for a number of reasons. Your mother needs to understand where she ends and you begin, and show respect for you being able to do your own life, and your own sobriety. Her prediction of doom shows incredible disrespect. But again, it's her need driving this.
You just set the best boundaries you can. We talk a lot about that here, so you can continue to come to us for guidance.
Hope I didn't come on too strong....you, young man, have a lot to be proud of.
Welcome to the F & F section of S/R!
Yeah, I think you can encourage her to attend al-anon. But, IMHO, she's not going to hear you. If she has already pooh-poohed A.A., I'm quite sure it will be the same.
Remember how you would have reacted before you were ready to get sober, to the suggestion of going to A.A?
As one of the "enabler" or "codependent" types, I understand the strong need to be someone's everything -- their panacea, their encyclopedia, their friend, their god.
It's a sick need and that is what is driving her. She needs you to need her. I think it's going to be rough on her as you get closer to, then actually do, move.
And when you do, well just brace yourself.
But, I am SO GLAD that you are! It should be a good environment for a number of reasons. Your mother needs to understand where she ends and you begin, and show respect for you being able to do your own life, and your own sobriety. Her prediction of doom shows incredible disrespect. But again, it's her need driving this.
You just set the best boundaries you can. We talk a lot about that here, so you can continue to come to us for guidance.
Hope I didn't come on too strong....you, young man, have a lot to be proud of.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Congrats on working on sobriety! WOOHOO!
About your mom, I think the lessons of this forum could be very helpful.
Now is your chance to begin setting boundaries for yourself with her.
What makes you uncomfortable?
What do you need?
Start thinking about how you can take care of yourself.
She may or may not ever "see the light" and stop trying to control you, but you have control over you and can set boundaries to make sure you feel good.
Hugs,
peace
About your mom, I think the lessons of this forum could be very helpful.
Now is your chance to begin setting boundaries for yourself with her.
What makes you uncomfortable?
What do you need?
Start thinking about how you can take care of yourself.
She may or may not ever "see the light" and stop trying to control you, but you have control over you and can set boundaries to make sure you feel good.
Hugs,
peace
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
