MyGraySkies

I haven't apologized to anyone but my family since I got sober in April. Today I received a facebook message from a friend that is stand offish with me when I see her and that I know dealt with a lot of my crap when I was drinking. It was a real slap in the face, she laid it out exactly why she doesn't bother with me and it's not like I didn't already know this, but I haven't owned up to it. I sent an apology back, I have nothing else to offer, I can't take away the past. After that I messaged two other people that I know my drinking had affected and likely hurt and apologized. I feel selfish for not doing it sooner, I have kept my sobriety to myself and let people around me just see that I'm ok and it's not something that comes up, I'm not close to anyone in my town but at least the rumors are dying off finally. My preacher hasn't come right out with it, but she tells me how much I've "grown spiritually this year" and "grown closer to God"... well let's face it, not smelling of alcohol all the time and skipping almost everything to do with church would be just that in it's own way. I guess I just needed to tell someone I feel awful that I didn't tell these people I am sorry sooner, that I feel selfish for not owning up to them all my past mistakes that hurt them too, and I really need to find some inner peace right now. If I can stop crying long enough to!

Nyte Byrd

Sometimes I wonder if there are still some out there who feel I owe them an apology or even some unpaid debt I may have overlooked.

What I do remember is my initial warped view of amends my first time around in AA in 1984. I didn't know then the steps were in order for a reason. But here I was, day two out of rehab, in Harlem, repaying a 1,600.00 debt I owed the heroin dealer, convincing my wife, it was an important part of the 'amends' I needed to make. Needless to say, I did so, with a spike in my arm that day.

In 1987, I came out of another rehab, and over time, I worked the steps in the order they were in. And it just seemed since then, that my amends were never put on any appointment calendar. They just happened when they seemed they were supposed to.

But I learned from my first experience with it, with my sister, it wasn't about 'apologizing' only. It was about 'atoning' It was about taking 'accountability'. It was about letting the other person know I was 'wrong' where I was wrong...not letting them know where they may have been wrong.

With my sister, she and her husband had tried an intervention on me, and I conned my way out of it.

When I ended up in rehab again, she was disappointed I had fooled her again. So when I got sober, I felt compelled to do two things. One was, I gave her money back to cover for a work check she once gave me, that I lied to her about why I needed the money. It bothered me cause I remembered the exact amount with change.
She worked all week for that money. Secondly, I let her know, that I was aware, knowing her as I had, that for the rest of her life, she would always have reservations about my honesty because I deceived her SO cleverly all those other times before. And I knew her so well, that I also knew that she would feel 'bad' for feeling that way and thinking those things. I had to let her know not to allow herself to feel bad about it. That I had caused that damage inside her. It was ME who damaged that trust that may not ever be 100% repaired ever again. And that I appreciated whatever part of her could show trust and support for me from here on in. I felt I took accountability. Somehow 'sorry' just wasn't gonna cut it.

Sometimes it's easy to say "I'm sorry"...saying "I was wrong" can be a little more difficult depending on the circumstances.

And remember, acceptance of any apology isn't important. You're doing this for you.

endlesspatience

Have you got the book Daily Reflections? At the moment, it's taking me through the 12th step because it's December but if you want to do 4th step work, why not spend a few weeks reading the part of the book on that step (April) and pray and medidate using the book to frame your prayers? Also, as you have now returned to church by the sound of it, that's also a safe enviornment to pray quietly to God about these issues maybe.

Nyte Byrd

Very helpful way to get on track each morning.

Before they came out with that AA approved book, we used to use the 24 Hours a Day Book. And ya know, it wasn't until my second go around in that book before I even became aware each month pertained to a step? :rotfxko

My sponsor likes to mess with me. He told me they added 'sometimes slowly' to the Promises when I came along in and got sober in 1987.

MyGraySkies

I don't have that book, I will look into getting it though, thank you so much!
I feel better knowing that I made some apologies today and let them know I appreciate all they were there for me through, and that I know it hurt them to go through it with me. I don't know if I'll ever be really close to anyone outside of my family again, a part of me lives in fear of ever hurting anyone else or opening up to anyone. Casual friends seem safer to me, at least right now.
Thank you for letting me vent about this here, it hurt to realize how much someone was upset with me and that I had not even tried to make things right, at least by apologizing for all they went through. I guess it's part of the process, it just came out of no where today and was a lot to swallow.

Ghostly

I think that most, if not all, of us have hurt people with our drinking / using. For most, if not all, of those people just getting and staying clean is more than enough to make up for what we did. However, there may be those that will not forgive us.

You are doin what you can MGS. Try to look forward. Remember the past, but try not to let it get you down. You're doin awesome!

Isaiah

I don't think it's the least bit criminal to have waited in making an apology. The only really meaningful apologies are the ones we make with the intention of not repeating the same harm. Getting yourself together and growing spiritually as your pastor put it, can be important to have first before sending the letters out, it shows more sincerity.

Sasha4

I don't doubt that you are upset. Personally, I think that doing it through Facebook is somehow not quite right. If there was a grievance it should have been done face to face or by phonecall.

But it's done now. You have apologised. Just try to let it go.

xx

Dee74

I think Isaiah makes a great point - we're best to make an apology when we know we're not likely to make those same mistakes again.

I'm not in AA - but I made my amends when the desire to do so was genuine and I felt the time was right.

I don't think it's selfish to have focused on my recovery initially - I'd have nothing else without that

I hope you come to feel a bit lighter for doing that MGS - for me, an equally important part of making amends is forgiving myself and moving on

D

heretoday

There's that step in AA I've heard where you need to make amends with those you've hurt while using, while I've never been to a meeting, I think this step holds truth and very important in any way you go about staying sober.

So many times I've said I'm sorry to my boyfriend the next day after a night of drinking and making an ass of myself, I'de threaten to leave him because he'd cut me off at the bar, and then he'd tell me the story the next day and I'de say I'm sorry, but I those apologies didn't hold much weight considering we'd go out and it'd happen again.

In truth I love him, he's my best friend, thankfully he feels the same way and we're still together, but, I'm still really trying to figure out how to repay him for putting up me when I'de treat him like crap.

While staying sober and proving to him that I can change is apart of that, it's really hard to say I'm sorry to someone who's heard it so many times before.

Kmber2010

MGS, as you know I am not in AA but I so understand how you feel. I too had to put my recovery first.....I mean I had to 100% or I wouldn't be here.

I believe it is when you are ready and when you really mean it - not a guilt thing. I think Isaiah is right on here.

You have our support and good input here but I am firm believer (especially with the years of drinking and lies/promises that go with it) that how we live our lives in recovery is the true measure of who we are.

Huggs!

MyGraySkies

Thank you guys! I'm also not in AA, just not my thing I'm not putting it down at all, and I've done this on my own with support here and from my family. I appreciate SO much all the replies, it helped put things in perspective. I realize that I hadn't reached the point of making amends with others outside of my family yet, and the 3 I did make apologies to will hopefully accept it and be able to move past some of the hurt. I don't like the inner turmoil this brought on, and am hoping to just LET IT GO and quit letting it bother me. I feel uncomfortable again, like when newly sober, like I'm under a microscope and I suppose it's just from being called on for my actions so long ago.
Thanks again everyone.

Anna

Omigosh, I feel bad for you.

You are recovering at your pace and you shouldn't let other people's expectations get you down. I also was very quiet about my recovery and I know that for me, that was the only way to do it. I had self-sabotage issues and if I had told many people and apologized early on, I don't know that I would have made it.

yeahgr8

If you're not in AA then you don't have someone who is a couple of decades sober to bounce what you are going to say in amends or how to approach them off...therefore i would urge you to find someone you trust who's opinion you would listen to who can give you this advice...amends are extremely important, obviously it cant be a clean sheet and a fresh start with stuff from the past hanging around and using our old behaviour of denial and avoidance is not exactly a new life for us either...