Well...he's gone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
Well...he's gone
As I posted here last week, I had told my son to leave. He is now gone. I am feeling so many things...anger..and saddness..I wish that I could have done more and yet know that I did all I could. I wish that I could have been a better mom..but know that I was the best mom I knew how to be. I know that I did not cause him to become a drunk or a drug addict. I know that I was there when he said he needed help and I know that I am still paying the bill from that help..and yet..he is gone. I feel relieved that I dont have to worry about my purse being gone through anymore...I can go to sleep without wondering if he is going out or in the windows. I just need to take a deep breath and realize that this part of my life is over. I will miss S. I will miss his humor when he was feeling well..but I wont miss his tantrums when he was coming down. I will miss his compassion and his sweetness..but I wont miss his selfish ways when he wanted something and I couldnt give it to him..right then. There is much that I will miss...and there is even more that I won't. I will have to get used to being alone much of the time. I can do that. He didn't even say goodbye. I know there will be tears...heck..there are right now as I sit here...but I know that they belong in my pity pot...I will allow myself a few minutes ...sitting here...stirring it..adding to it...then I will pour out the contents....anger and saddness and the oh poor me's...and get on with the business of getting on.
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
so sorry
Big hugs, so sorry to hear you're pain.
I don't think theirs anything harder than being a parent...and letting go.
But I like to think of( let go and let God).......who's hands could be better than God's hands.....
Faith
my thoughts are with you.....
I don't think theirs anything harder than being a parent...and letting go.
But I like to think of( let go and let God).......who's hands could be better than God's hands.....
Faith
my thoughts are with you.....
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Posts: n/a
I don't think being sad is a pity party. I went through this last year with my son and it was very very sad. It felt so helpless.
It's much better now. I talk to my son every week and the conversations are good. I still feel sad and I miss him. He ended up in a different state and I haven't seen him since.
You don't have to move on today. Allow yourself to feel it.
Sending great big hugs your way.
MG
It's much better now. I talk to my son every week and the conversations are good. I still feel sad and I miss him. He ended up in a different state and I haven't seen him since.
You don't have to move on today. Allow yourself to feel it.
Sending great big hugs your way.
MG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lisa
As the mom of an addict, I have been where you are....many times. The thing is, it just doesn't work having them live at home, not for them and certainly not for us.
Making my son leave was the hardest thing I ever did, and he spent much of last winter living on the street and in a shelter, but that led him to reach out for recovery, and he has been clean now for about 4 months.
It took me forever to be able to detach from him and his disease. And like you, I got tired of hiding my purse and valuables, and taking inventory every time I came home. My son is also the sweetest, kindest person you could ever meet when he is clean, and the worst liar, thief and con artist when he is using, I love him both, but cannot live with either.
Take a deep breath, and say a prayer and let God look after the rest. Turning it over takes an awful load off our shourlders.
And don't worry, he'll call, he'll stay connected. They all do.
So I'm sending a hug, one mom to another, and a promise that you have done the right thing.
Hugs
Ann
As the mom of an addict, I have been where you are....many times. The thing is, it just doesn't work having them live at home, not for them and certainly not for us.
Making my son leave was the hardest thing I ever did, and he spent much of last winter living on the street and in a shelter, but that led him to reach out for recovery, and he has been clean now for about 4 months.
It took me forever to be able to detach from him and his disease. And like you, I got tired of hiding my purse and valuables, and taking inventory every time I came home. My son is also the sweetest, kindest person you could ever meet when he is clean, and the worst liar, thief and con artist when he is using, I love him both, but cannot live with either.
Take a deep breath, and say a prayer and let God look after the rest. Turning it over takes an awful load off our shourlders.
And don't worry, he'll call, he'll stay connected. They all do.
So I'm sending a hug, one mom to another, and a promise that you have done the right thing.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
Oh God...Thank you all for responding. It helps to know that I am not the only mother out here that has had to say goodbye..I love you. I slept last night ... really slept for the first time in weeks. How can that raise guilt feeling in me? My youngest son R. came an put his arm around me and said that I could only be hurt by S. if I allowed him to hurt me. He said that I wasnt striking out on all three. That I have two that are turning out just fine. He's right of course. L. who is 20 has never had a drink and wouldn't know pot for anything. R. who is 15 is the same way. They have seen the devistation that S. has brought to our family..Detachment...what a great word. It feels very freeing just to say it. Now..if I can just live it.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Can you stand one more hug from another mom??
The Beav isn't quite out...still in the process but I am already breathing easier. Your post was touching and true. I will miss the if only's and the almosts but I won't miss what is.
This last try has shot me farther into detachment and letting go then I have ever been. We can't fix it for them as much as we might like...we have to cut those strings.
Hugs,
JT
The Beav isn't quite out...still in the process but I am already breathing easier. Your post was touching and true. I will miss the if only's and the almosts but I won't miss what is.
This last try has shot me farther into detachment and letting go then I have ever been. We can't fix it for them as much as we might like...we have to cut those strings.
Hugs,
JT
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
To All Moms out there....from another mom
we all have done our best.....It was enough....Now it is time for us to get on with getting on.....I have found it isn't the letting go that hurts the most .....
For me
it is IN TRYING TO HOLD ON to that which I have no right to hold on to any longer ...That part is between them and their Higher Power...
A member of AA. gave me a one liner I hold on to for dear life...It helps me stay in reality;
I am 50% responsible for the way you were raised.....
Know that you are 100% responsible IF you choose to stay that way...
I truly believe we all are doing the best we are capable of doing
ONE DAY AT A TIME, and for me that includes the A's in our life...
I am sending love and prayers to each of you....May you find serenity even in the letting go.
we all have done our best.....It was enough....Now it is time for us to get on with getting on.....I have found it isn't the letting go that hurts the most .....
For me
it is IN TRYING TO HOLD ON to that which I have no right to hold on to any longer ...That part is between them and their Higher Power...
A member of AA. gave me a one liner I hold on to for dear life...It helps me stay in reality;
I am 50% responsible for the way you were raised.....
Know that you are 100% responsible IF you choose to stay that way...
I truly believe we all are doing the best we are capable of doing
ONE DAY AT A TIME, and for me that includes the A's in our life...
I am sending love and prayers to each of you....May you find serenity even in the letting go.
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
((((lisa))))
oh it all hurts so much. I havent had to realy put anyone out but I feel that feeling of loss.
My daughter finds our house when her husband throws her out when he cant take it anymore, and she uses us to have a place to get drunk. after a couple of days she goes home. My son lives with us,he's doing better now but he too is an alcoholic with some mental issues that became out of control with heavy drinking last year. Both are also wonderful when sober , my refuge has and is alanon. My life has changed so much from 17 mths ago. So much better and yet the saddness for the adult children lingers.
thanks for sharing with all us moms, we're not alone.
You said it all wonderfuly from your heart.
hugs
liddy
oh it all hurts so much. I havent had to realy put anyone out but I feel that feeling of loss.
My daughter finds our house when her husband throws her out when he cant take it anymore, and she uses us to have a place to get drunk. after a couple of days she goes home. My son lives with us,he's doing better now but he too is an alcoholic with some mental issues that became out of control with heavy drinking last year. Both are also wonderful when sober , my refuge has and is alanon. My life has changed so much from 17 mths ago. So much better and yet the saddness for the adult children lingers.
thanks for sharing with all us moms, we're not alone.
You said it all wonderfuly from your heart.
hugs
liddy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
I dont have any kids so this is just an observation from afar.
Some parents focus all their attention and money on the broken one and ignore their others. They say they do this because that one needs their help and the others dont.
They think the others are okay with this. Some people even go so far as to leave all their money or their house to the broken one and nothing to the others. Because the others have made their own way.
Take my word for it. The others are not okay with this. Kids are kids no matter how old they are. Ive talked to some of the "others". And they feel abandoned.
Its not the money its the principle. No matter how successful they are, no matter how "good" they are, the broken one sucks up all the attention. Its like theyre being punished for having their stuff together and the broke one is being rewarded for causing havoc.
So please make sure your "good" kids dont get ignored.
Some parents focus all their attention and money on the broken one and ignore their others. They say they do this because that one needs their help and the others dont.
They think the others are okay with this. Some people even go so far as to leave all their money or their house to the broken one and nothing to the others. Because the others have made their own way.
Take my word for it. The others are not okay with this. Kids are kids no matter how old they are. Ive talked to some of the "others". And they feel abandoned.
Its not the money its the principle. No matter how successful they are, no matter how "good" they are, the broken one sucks up all the attention. Its like theyre being punished for having their stuff together and the broke one is being rewarded for causing havoc.
So please make sure your "good" kids dont get ignored.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Cecilia, You made one VERY good observation...I was "goody two shoes" in my family mainly because I didn't break the rules...I also was the responsible one, so guess who got most of the chores to do...
I need to really be aware with my G. kids that they get equal attention and gifts...Unfortunately, not both parents are healthy enough to do that ...I need to be very aware that Grams doesn't try to "make up for " the things one of them doesn't get from one of their parents...
The hope is someday, they (the kids) too will find recovery...and will be able to put the dragon to rest as I have worked to do.
Glad you bought up that observation....
I need to really be aware with my G. kids that they get equal attention and gifts...Unfortunately, not both parents are healthy enough to do that ...I need to be very aware that Grams doesn't try to "make up for " the things one of them doesn't get from one of their parents...
The hope is someday, they (the kids) too will find recovery...and will be able to put the dragon to rest as I have worked to do.
Glad you bought up that observation....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
I guess if you could say thats one of my pet peeves. I try not to say too much cause some people think if you dont have any kids you shouldnt speak out.
Probably cause Im an only child but I have this thing about "fairness/evenness". I really hate it when people favor one kid over the other.
I know its childish on my part but if I catch them doing it in front of me I will go out of my way to ignore the favored one and shower attention on the ignored one
Probably cause Im an only child but I have this thing about "fairness/evenness". I really hate it when people favor one kid over the other.
I know its childish on my part but if I catch them doing it in front of me I will go out of my way to ignore the favored one and shower attention on the ignored one
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
You do bring up a very valid point. And it does seem that L and R used to get pushed to the background..mainly because they were not making waves and the police weren't looking for them and mamma wasn't crying cause she saw them in handcuffs. But over the course of the last few years...I have come to see my sons for who they are .. not for what they are..(non felons). It is so easy to get tied up in the situation of jail and bailbondsmen and courts and probation officers and then loan officers to pay the probation officers and on and on ad infinitum. But I knew that sweet and stoic Luke and happy compassionate Ryan would be there. It came to me in one of those blinding flashes that mommas sometimes get that if I want to them always be there..then I needed to be there for them. So while Sean might have been soaking up the light of the moment..I never let him take all of me.
On another note. I spoke with the Mesquite police last night about how to get a trespass warrent against Sean and how to protect my house against him. I have already put much of that in to motion. I have a Brinks man coming tonight to put in an alarm system and the rest of the house has been fortified against any SeanStorm...so all in all...I feel like I am taking the right steps for me...for today.
On another note. I spoke with the Mesquite police last night about how to get a trespass warrent against Sean and how to protect my house against him. I have already put much of that in to motion. I have a Brinks man coming tonight to put in an alarm system and the rest of the house has been fortified against any SeanStorm...so all in all...I feel like I am taking the right steps for me...for today.
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