Hope this is the last time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
Hope this is the last time
Last night I left my husband, once again, but I hope this time it's for good. I came home to my mom's house and changed my cellphone number so that it is not so easy for him to make me feel sorry for him.
In the last post I was looking for advice on whether or not to spend Christmas with him like he had asked, but I did go although in the back of my mind I was ready for anything. Although I was kind of hoping for him not to use AT LEAST on Christmas Day. I was wrong. We talked like we always do and he made his usual promises (he should have just stopped as soon as he started talking because I did not believe a single thing). Said that he found a job and that he just needs to get his paperwork in order and that he'll get it and no more drugs. I took some of my stuff but I hid everything so that he wouldn't go selling it.
So on XMAS Day I went to my grandma's for a couple of hours and than to my mother in law's by myself because he does not seem to want to keep in touch with my family on top of everything else. And I only went to his mother's house because he asked me to, and then I get to our apartment and he's drunk. Says that it was because I left him alone on XMAS. What an idiot. After that he left (funny how I go and spend XMAS with him and then he leaves ME alone) and all that time after he left I spent it crying because here is another XMAS he ruined with his addictions. And I said I was prepared for anything, yeah right!
Well, I cleaned everything up and packed my bags to come back home. He came back saw that I was leaving and got really violent towards me. Nothing that I have not seen before. After that he left and just stayed outside the door and I called my mom to help me leave so that he wouldn't start everything up again. For some reason he's afraid of my mom and when he saw her car pull up he started getting all nice to me, asking why I was leaving. What an idiot. Here's a grown man and so immature. He sat on top of my things so that I wouldn't leave.
My mom is really religious and just so that I would have a problem with my mom he told her I was a lesbian. What an a**hole! My mom just laughed it off, of course. After a whole show for the neighbors I left in my car and my mom in hers. Today my mom told me that if I go back to him she will not let me come back here ever again because she saw how our apartment is empty as he has sold everything.
I really feel like I hate him. He does not do anything of what a husband is supposed to do. He ruined my life. And every time I leave I hope it's for good and then he calls me and makes me feel sorry for him (tells me he's hungry or cold because he sells his jackets and everything). I'm just fed up and tired of it all. I want to leave him for good. I want my life back. I want to do the things a 22 year old is supposed to do. I want to be happy and he just does not let me!
I want to cry but it makes me feel worse if I do. He's such an a**hole does not even deserve that I cry because of him.
I want to be strong. Please help me with your comments to stay strong and just leave him. I do not have anyone to really talk to, can you tell? This is the reason why my posts are extra long!
In the last post I was looking for advice on whether or not to spend Christmas with him like he had asked, but I did go although in the back of my mind I was ready for anything. Although I was kind of hoping for him not to use AT LEAST on Christmas Day. I was wrong. We talked like we always do and he made his usual promises (he should have just stopped as soon as he started talking because I did not believe a single thing). Said that he found a job and that he just needs to get his paperwork in order and that he'll get it and no more drugs. I took some of my stuff but I hid everything so that he wouldn't go selling it.
So on XMAS Day I went to my grandma's for a couple of hours and than to my mother in law's by myself because he does not seem to want to keep in touch with my family on top of everything else. And I only went to his mother's house because he asked me to, and then I get to our apartment and he's drunk. Says that it was because I left him alone on XMAS. What an idiot. After that he left (funny how I go and spend XMAS with him and then he leaves ME alone) and all that time after he left I spent it crying because here is another XMAS he ruined with his addictions. And I said I was prepared for anything, yeah right!
Well, I cleaned everything up and packed my bags to come back home. He came back saw that I was leaving and got really violent towards me. Nothing that I have not seen before. After that he left and just stayed outside the door and I called my mom to help me leave so that he wouldn't start everything up again. For some reason he's afraid of my mom and when he saw her car pull up he started getting all nice to me, asking why I was leaving. What an idiot. Here's a grown man and so immature. He sat on top of my things so that I wouldn't leave.
My mom is really religious and just so that I would have a problem with my mom he told her I was a lesbian. What an a**hole! My mom just laughed it off, of course. After a whole show for the neighbors I left in my car and my mom in hers. Today my mom told me that if I go back to him she will not let me come back here ever again because she saw how our apartment is empty as he has sold everything.
I really feel like I hate him. He does not do anything of what a husband is supposed to do. He ruined my life. And every time I leave I hope it's for good and then he calls me and makes me feel sorry for him (tells me he's hungry or cold because he sells his jackets and everything). I'm just fed up and tired of it all. I want to leave him for good. I want my life back. I want to do the things a 22 year old is supposed to do. I want to be happy and he just does not let me!
I want to cry but it makes me feel worse if I do. He's such an a**hole does not even deserve that I cry because of him.
I want to be strong. Please help me with your comments to stay strong and just leave him. I do not have anyone to really talk to, can you tell? This is the reason why my posts are extra long!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
You are strong. Stronger than you know. It takes great strength to realize that what is going on in your relationship isn't working and it is actually dangerous because there is violence.
If every time you try to leave, he gets like this (violent and irrational), be sure you have someone by your side when you do leave. Having your mom was a great idea.
Have you considered contacting a domestic violence hotline? I hope you do. I think you could really use their support right now. They may even be able to help you with housing.
Please keep us posted. You are on the right path. Sometimes it takes time to get to where we want to be but as long as you are taking small steps to get there, then you'll start to really see your strength again.
If every time you try to leave, he gets like this (violent and irrational), be sure you have someone by your side when you do leave. Having your mom was a great idea.
Have you considered contacting a domestic violence hotline? I hope you do. I think you could really use their support right now. They may even be able to help you with housing.
Please keep us posted. You are on the right path. Sometimes it takes time to get to where we want to be but as long as you are taking small steps to get there, then you'll start to really see your strength again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
Thanks Babyblue for your post. I really do want to be strong this time so that it is the last and final time I leave.
The thing with me is that I am codependent. I just really hate our life together, but I worry about him, and I am hoping this time I can be stronger.
My mom told me to stop paying the rent in our apartment and to kick him out into the streets. I know that if I don't want to go back there I must do so, but I can't imagine kicking him out into the streets on a full-blown winter season. I am sure this is my codependency talking, but I can't help it.
Even after all he's put me through I still worry about his well-being. I do not want to be with him. I just want to leave him for good, but how do I stop caring?
The thing with me is that I am codependent. I just really hate our life together, but I worry about him, and I am hoping this time I can be stronger.
My mom told me to stop paying the rent in our apartment and to kick him out into the streets. I know that if I don't want to go back there I must do so, but I can't imagine kicking him out into the streets on a full-blown winter season. I am sure this is my codependency talking, but I can't help it.
Even after all he's put me through I still worry about his well-being. I do not want to be with him. I just want to leave him for good, but how do I stop caring?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Please go ahead and phone our local domestic violence center where you will be able to get counseling and then probably have a regular group meeting. also al-anon.
He can get help for free, he just has to go ask for it.
He can get help for free, he just has to go ask for it.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"Today my mom told me that if I go back to him she will not let me come back here ever again..."
Your Mom laid down a pretty strong boundary to you.
That cannot be easy for a parent, but she is proving to
be a great role model for you here.
There's a book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie that will be a great help to you, as it has helped many of us here recognize our unhealthy dependencies.
He is a danger to you, but you have become so used to living in the chaos, that it just seems normal to you. It is not. He is dangerous, and needs professional help. But you cannot fix him, save him, rescue him, or make him "see".
But you do have a choice here. And a family that is willing to stand by you.
"but how do I stop caring?"
By starting to care for yourself.
Take things one day at a time, sometimes minute by minute.
Stay here on SR, find yourself a local AlaNon meeting, and start using all that energy you are used to spending on him, on yourself.
You already recognize you're a Codependent.
That's a BIG step in itself. Use this time to read everything you can on Codependency.
Day at a time.
Glad you're here.
Your Mom laid down a pretty strong boundary to you.
That cannot be easy for a parent, but she is proving to
be a great role model for you here.
There's a book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie that will be a great help to you, as it has helped many of us here recognize our unhealthy dependencies.
He is a danger to you, but you have become so used to living in the chaos, that it just seems normal to you. It is not. He is dangerous, and needs professional help. But you cannot fix him, save him, rescue him, or make him "see".
But you do have a choice here. And a family that is willing to stand by you.
"but how do I stop caring?"
By starting to care for yourself.
Take things one day at a time, sometimes minute by minute.
Stay here on SR, find yourself a local AlaNon meeting, and start using all that energy you are used to spending on him, on yourself.
You already recognize you're a Codependent.
That's a BIG step in itself. Use this time to read everything you can on Codependency.
Day at a time.
Glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
At first I missed my ex so much. Yes he was a rotten SOB. But I still missed him. And that made me feel really stupid - that I would have feelings for a jerk like him. I didn't know how to take care of myself or love myself anymore. He had taken that away from me.
The first thing I did to regain control of myself and get over my ex was to start treating myself nicer. I noticed I had a habit of criticizing myself and my behavior constantly. I was so hard on myself. So I started making some cognitive changes in my life. Every time I started up with negative self-talk (I'm so pathetic, I'm so stupid, I'm a loser), I would catch myself and I would switch to positive self talk (I am a caring person, I am a strong person, I deserve to be loved, I am going to get through this and come out on top.)
Eventually those positive thoughts about myself started to take hold and then, when I was ready, I started setting small goals for myself. I outlined what it would take for me to achieve those goals on paper. I can't emphasize enough how writing things down helped. It made my goals seem more real. I developed a list of action items that it would take to achieve my goals and I started working at it. As I accomplished the individual items on my list, I would cross them off. Seeing it in writing really helped - like a "to-do" list. And the amazing thing was the I started to achieve my larger goals. All these little steps actually got me somewhere big!
It did wonders for my self-esteem - to get away from my abusive, crack addicted ex. My life is a billion times better than it was. I am in control of myself. I'm not allowing a crack addict to run me into the ground.
It just takes a little time and patience - be patient with yourself. It sounds like you have a good support network in your mom so hang in there. You'll get through this and you'll have a happy life again - if you choose too.
Keep posting. We support you no matter what.
The first thing I did to regain control of myself and get over my ex was to start treating myself nicer. I noticed I had a habit of criticizing myself and my behavior constantly. I was so hard on myself. So I started making some cognitive changes in my life. Every time I started up with negative self-talk (I'm so pathetic, I'm so stupid, I'm a loser), I would catch myself and I would switch to positive self talk (I am a caring person, I am a strong person, I deserve to be loved, I am going to get through this and come out on top.)
Eventually those positive thoughts about myself started to take hold and then, when I was ready, I started setting small goals for myself. I outlined what it would take for me to achieve those goals on paper. I can't emphasize enough how writing things down helped. It made my goals seem more real. I developed a list of action items that it would take to achieve my goals and I started working at it. As I accomplished the individual items on my list, I would cross them off. Seeing it in writing really helped - like a "to-do" list. And the amazing thing was the I started to achieve my larger goals. All these little steps actually got me somewhere big!
It did wonders for my self-esteem - to get away from my abusive, crack addicted ex. My life is a billion times better than it was. I am in control of myself. I'm not allowing a crack addict to run me into the ground.
It just takes a little time and patience - be patient with yourself. It sounds like you have a good support network in your mom so hang in there. You'll get through this and you'll have a happy life again - if you choose too.
Keep posting. We support you no matter what.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
I only read your post. Please forgive me if I am repeating anything that anyone else has said. I felt compelled to hurry and respond. I will go back and read the other posts after.
I am going through a very difficult situation with my husband. I am not 22. I am 35 and we have 5 children together. Your post did not mention whether you have children or not. I know it is painful to leave your husband and it is so hard to let love go but trust me it will be so much more difficult down the road if you have children. Not to mention what genetics the children will pick up from his side.
You have your whole life ahead of you at 22. You have the oppurtunity to move on and live life to the fullest.
Don't get caught up in someone else's poor choices that prevent you from being happy.
I feel your pain and have confidence that you can get through the pain. Keep yourself occupied as much as possible, surround yourself with positive people, and stay strong.
The pain will not last forever.
I am going through a very difficult situation with my husband. I am not 22. I am 35 and we have 5 children together. Your post did not mention whether you have children or not. I know it is painful to leave your husband and it is so hard to let love go but trust me it will be so much more difficult down the road if you have children. Not to mention what genetics the children will pick up from his side.
You have your whole life ahead of you at 22. You have the oppurtunity to move on and live life to the fullest.
Don't get caught up in someone else's poor choices that prevent you from being happy.
I feel your pain and have confidence that you can get through the pain. Keep yourself occupied as much as possible, surround yourself with positive people, and stay strong.
The pain will not last forever.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
Thank you all for your responses. I spent most of my afternoon yesterday reading posts on this site. It sure helps to put a name to how I've been feeling and acting for the last three years. Codependency.
I looked into Alanon but there are not any meetings here in my area only a few hours from here, but I'll keep posting and reading here for now.
I will try to call the domestic violence line. In the past I've been afraid to go to meetings or calling because I was afraid of making it official that my addiction is taking care of my addict husband.
Thanks sofacat for responding to my post I would sure like to know your story and what made you finally leave him and how you stayed stong. And I will try to take it day by day, for now it's minute by minute.
Thanks for sharing what you did hello-kitty. I really do appreciate your advice. By the way, I am a list-maker. I just love making lists for everything and maybe you'll be glad to know that I started one today about what to do for me and how to stay away from him. Thanks for your support!
Beautifulgirl, I've been reading your posts too but I don't know what to tell you as I am going through something similar as you can tell. It brakes my heart to know that someone else feel the same way I do. No one deserves to feel like this. I wish the same things for you, that all the pain you feel may go away and for your kids to have a happy childhood. I'll pray for all of us, especially for you and me.
Day by day. Minute by minute.
I looked into Alanon but there are not any meetings here in my area only a few hours from here, but I'll keep posting and reading here for now.
I will try to call the domestic violence line. In the past I've been afraid to go to meetings or calling because I was afraid of making it official that my addiction is taking care of my addict husband.
Thanks sofacat for responding to my post I would sure like to know your story and what made you finally leave him and how you stayed stong. And I will try to take it day by day, for now it's minute by minute.
Thanks for sharing what you did hello-kitty. I really do appreciate your advice. By the way, I am a list-maker. I just love making lists for everything and maybe you'll be glad to know that I started one today about what to do for me and how to stay away from him. Thanks for your support!
Beautifulgirl, I've been reading your posts too but I don't know what to tell you as I am going through something similar as you can tell. It brakes my heart to know that someone else feel the same way I do. No one deserves to feel like this. I wish the same things for you, that all the pain you feel may go away and for your kids to have a happy childhood. I'll pray for all of us, especially for you and me.
Day by day. Minute by minute.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
I hate to be feeling like I do. I know that I need to kick him out of the apartment and stop paying that rent, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that. I don't want to see him because I know I'll crack, but how do I tell him to get out of there?
And then there's the codependency kicking in. I start thinking "What if he dies?" If I kick him out of there he'll be homeless, he has family, but no one is willing to help because of everything he has done. Plus he's really proud (hard to believe) and he won't look for anyone's help except mine. I don't know what to do. I mean I do know, but I just don't know how. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about all of it.
And then there's the codependency kicking in. I start thinking "What if he dies?" If I kick him out of there he'll be homeless, he has family, but no one is willing to help because of everything he has done. Plus he's really proud (hard to believe) and he won't look for anyone's help except mine. I don't know what to do. I mean I do know, but I just don't know how. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about all of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
It sounds like your mom is making her boundaries and planning to stick to them. If you push those boundaries or make decisions that go against what she's "laid out" then you will, in a sense, be doing the same thing that your addict is doing to you by wavering back and forth, trying to sit it out on the fence, etc.
It was a very hard lesson for me to learn myself in terms of what I'm doing to my loved ones by allowing my addict to tramp all over my boundaries and not sticking to them.
I'm proud of your mom and very proud of you as well. It's not easy and many (including myself at first) try to make excuses as to why they can't do anything. The list becomes longer than the addict's excuses as to why they:
can't get a job, stay clean, be home on time, stick to the rules, etc.
Hang in there. Educate yourself. Find some meetings (online or in person) and start to build yourself up again. If you have indeed hit your bottom, then having support around you is only going to help you see what a wonderful person you are here.
It was a very hard lesson for me to learn myself in terms of what I'm doing to my loved ones by allowing my addict to tramp all over my boundaries and not sticking to them.
I'm proud of your mom and very proud of you as well. It's not easy and many (including myself at first) try to make excuses as to why they can't do anything. The list becomes longer than the addict's excuses as to why they:
can't get a job, stay clean, be home on time, stick to the rules, etc.
Hang in there. Educate yourself. Find some meetings (online or in person) and start to build yourself up again. If you have indeed hit your bottom, then having support around you is only going to help you see what a wonderful person you are here.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"...but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that....how do I tell him to get out of there? "
I didn't have the strength emotionally to break up with Mr.Sofa permanently at the time. But I DID have the strength to tell him we needed to separate for a little while. That, I knew I COULD do. I needed some space between us. Space from his addiction, and a break from the chaos. So I told him he needed to find someplace else to stay for a few days...
and took baby steps from there.
You said day by day, minute by minute...that's exactly right.
I didn't have the strength emotionally to break up with Mr.Sofa permanently at the time. But I DID have the strength to tell him we needed to separate for a little while. That, I knew I COULD do. I needed some space between us. Space from his addiction, and a break from the chaos. So I told him he needed to find someplace else to stay for a few days...
and took baby steps from there.
You said day by day, minute by minute...that's exactly right.
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