My Relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 737
My Relapse
Hi, this intro is much longer than I thought it would be. All I wanted to say is "I relapsed and am working on how not to do it again" but instead all this came out, like this forum is a therapist or something. 
It's my 2nd try here at SR. What everyone says on here, it's all true. I guess I wrote this mini novel in case it might help a lurking relapser like me who isn't quite sure if there is a problem.
I'm a wife and mom of 2. I quit my job to stay home with my kids when they were younger. Now, I'm active in my kids' school and help out extended family and neighbors when they need it. But it's burning me out. I have very few things I enjoy doing and mostly spend my free time on the computer. Other than reading and drinking, nothing really appeals to me. Daily life wears me out. I'm often resentful and use alcohol and the computer to escape. I do the minimum to make sure my image of a good mom and wife stays intact but I feel like a robot. I don't like having to pretend to keep up with all I'm "supposed" to do. So, at times I let go of image and am faced with feelings of failure. Right now, I have some big problems in my life that I've sort of brushed aside, covered up, tried to make appear smaller, hoping they would go away. Instead, they are looming. I just react to most everything and if it all comes at me too fast, I take my computer and bottle of wine and go hide. I'm unhappy but too scared to make any real changes. In the past, I stayed in a toxic job, miserable marriage, dangerous social group etc. for far too long.
A little history...I drank a lot in my teen years, did okay in school but didn't have many interests other than partying. Escaped major trouble but just barely. Mellowed out in college, graduated, got a decent job, got married and cut back to social drinking with periods of abstinence until marriage fell apart. Got my act together again, got married again(great guy, better relationship this time) and drank socially with long periods of abstinence until my youngest started preschool. My eating and exercise habits have poor. The few times that I was able to stick with a fitness plan, I felt great physically and more emotionally stable.
I started abusing alcohol about 4 years ago. I've sort of tried to quit hundreds of times but really only made an honest effort twice. This is my 3rd. After the first real attempt, I didn't drink for over a year. I thought the dependence was temporary and if I gave my body a break, I'd be able to drink socially again. I stopped drinking because I knew that I had an underlying problem with anxiety and depression and alcohol was contributing to it.
After a year, I drank socially for a few months. It wasn't easy because I would plan my week or day around it. Soon, I got myself into the daily cycle again, this time with some lying and hiding. I was ashamed of who I was becoming so I quit again. It was hard, I didn't want to do it again so I thought I was done. I found SR about a year ago and didn't drink for 7 more months. Read a lot, but didn't change my lifestyle. Anxiety went down a lot. Depression faded. Then, I figured I was "healed". I could drink socially again which did for about 3 months and then went right back to where I was when I quit last. This time the lying and hiding barely phased me, very little guilt and shame, but even in my numb, alcoholic daze, I sensed the wrongness of it. It wasn't a judgmental emotion but just a quiet "oh look, here you are again". It took several weeks of hearing this voice before I got myself back on SR and started reading.
I'm thankful to the people on this site. I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks. This time the mental progress has been much faster. I'm doing lots of reading, not just about alcohol but also how to better manage depression. I'm much more aware of my thinking, the nature of cravings, the reason for my anger and resentment, how and when I get sucked in. So, the plan this time is to make some changes(lifestyle, behavioral) even though resistance to that is enormous. I know that I can no longer view a drink as something to passively enjoy while having dinner out or at a party. My brain has created a deep and intricate relationship. Alcohol is now my go-to guy. There is no healthy way to manage this relationship once it reaches this stage. I suppose I can try but the thought wears me out and the risk is too great. It simply has to end. The finality of this still doesn't sit well so I will keep working on it.
Thanks to everyone for your posts. They have helped me so much.
It's my 2nd try here at SR. What everyone says on here, it's all true. I guess I wrote this mini novel in case it might help a lurking relapser like me who isn't quite sure if there is a problem.I'm a wife and mom of 2. I quit my job to stay home with my kids when they were younger. Now, I'm active in my kids' school and help out extended family and neighbors when they need it. But it's burning me out. I have very few things I enjoy doing and mostly spend my free time on the computer. Other than reading and drinking, nothing really appeals to me. Daily life wears me out. I'm often resentful and use alcohol and the computer to escape. I do the minimum to make sure my image of a good mom and wife stays intact but I feel like a robot. I don't like having to pretend to keep up with all I'm "supposed" to do. So, at times I let go of image and am faced with feelings of failure. Right now, I have some big problems in my life that I've sort of brushed aside, covered up, tried to make appear smaller, hoping they would go away. Instead, they are looming. I just react to most everything and if it all comes at me too fast, I take my computer and bottle of wine and go hide. I'm unhappy but too scared to make any real changes. In the past, I stayed in a toxic job, miserable marriage, dangerous social group etc. for far too long.
A little history...I drank a lot in my teen years, did okay in school but didn't have many interests other than partying. Escaped major trouble but just barely. Mellowed out in college, graduated, got a decent job, got married and cut back to social drinking with periods of abstinence until marriage fell apart. Got my act together again, got married again(great guy, better relationship this time) and drank socially with long periods of abstinence until my youngest started preschool. My eating and exercise habits have poor. The few times that I was able to stick with a fitness plan, I felt great physically and more emotionally stable.
I started abusing alcohol about 4 years ago. I've sort of tried to quit hundreds of times but really only made an honest effort twice. This is my 3rd. After the first real attempt, I didn't drink for over a year. I thought the dependence was temporary and if I gave my body a break, I'd be able to drink socially again. I stopped drinking because I knew that I had an underlying problem with anxiety and depression and alcohol was contributing to it.
After a year, I drank socially for a few months. It wasn't easy because I would plan my week or day around it. Soon, I got myself into the daily cycle again, this time with some lying and hiding. I was ashamed of who I was becoming so I quit again. It was hard, I didn't want to do it again so I thought I was done. I found SR about a year ago and didn't drink for 7 more months. Read a lot, but didn't change my lifestyle. Anxiety went down a lot. Depression faded. Then, I figured I was "healed". I could drink socially again which did for about 3 months and then went right back to where I was when I quit last. This time the lying and hiding barely phased me, very little guilt and shame, but even in my numb, alcoholic daze, I sensed the wrongness of it. It wasn't a judgmental emotion but just a quiet "oh look, here you are again". It took several weeks of hearing this voice before I got myself back on SR and started reading.
I'm thankful to the people on this site. I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks. This time the mental progress has been much faster. I'm doing lots of reading, not just about alcohol but also how to better manage depression. I'm much more aware of my thinking, the nature of cravings, the reason for my anger and resentment, how and when I get sucked in. So, the plan this time is to make some changes(lifestyle, behavioral) even though resistance to that is enormous. I know that I can no longer view a drink as something to passively enjoy while having dinner out or at a party. My brain has created a deep and intricate relationship. Alcohol is now my go-to guy. There is no healthy way to manage this relationship once it reaches this stage. I suppose I can try but the thought wears me out and the risk is too great. It simply has to end. The finality of this still doesn't sit well so I will keep working on it.
Thanks to everyone for your posts. They have helped me so much.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Trying to moderate when alcoholic is just constant frustration and withdrawal..just not worth it!! It is so much easier just to know you no longer have drinking as an option. Hang in there.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi Raindancer,
Welcome back!
It sounds like you're much more aware now of the process of addiction. Good for you for being sober for 3 weeks!
I knew for sure that drinking had consumed me, but I also knew it was a symptom. So, I had to stop drinking, and then I had to figure out how to be able to live my life. Something I knew instinctively, was that I had to learn to say 'No'. After years of devoting myself to being Mom, I had to stop and figure out what it was that I wanted and needed in my life.
Welcome back!
It sounds like you're much more aware now of the process of addiction. Good for you for being sober for 3 weeks!
I knew for sure that drinking had consumed me, but I also knew it was a symptom. So, I had to stop drinking, and then I had to figure out how to be able to live my life. Something I knew instinctively, was that I had to learn to say 'No'. After years of devoting myself to being Mom, I had to stop and figure out what it was that I wanted and needed in my life.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
Welcome back to SR. Nothing wrong with writing out whats on your mind...its good therapy indeed.
Good that you have a plan and are here for support.
Good that you have a plan and are here for support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Congratulations on three weeks! Anytime an alcoholic goes without a drink is a miracle.
Are you going at this alone or with support, like AA? I went the AA route because I couldn't stay sober alone. And, I needed the support of people who had had my experience with alcohol.
Are you going at this alone or with support, like AA? I went the AA route because I couldn't stay sober alone. And, I needed the support of people who had had my experience with alcohol.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
I just always remind myself:
"When we enjoyed our drinking, we couldn't control it. And, when we controlled our drinking, we couldn't enjoy it."
If you are an alcoholic like me, the only way to go is to not drink. But that isn't enough. Will power alone won't do it. We need a program of recovery.
For me, it is AA + SR + helping other alcoholics.
Glad you are here. Welcome.
"When we enjoyed our drinking, we couldn't control it. And, when we controlled our drinking, we couldn't enjoy it."
If you are an alcoholic like me, the only way to go is to not drink. But that isn't enough. Will power alone won't do it. We need a program of recovery.
For me, it is AA + SR + helping other alcoholics.
Glad you are here. Welcome.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Glad you're back and big hugs on your three weeks sober.
I had over twenty years sober and went back out for nearly two years.
It's better back here in 'sober land'.
Come here often. Share your thoughts and fears. We all benefit from each others' experience. Together we can do this.
I had over twenty years sober and went back out for nearly two years.
It's better back here in 'sober land'.Come here often. Share your thoughts and fears. We all benefit from each others' experience.
Together we can do this. Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back.....
Obviously....you are experienced with quitting.
Not so much withstaying that way...
New plans? Please share them with us if you have them.
All my best to you and your family
Obviously....you are experienced with quitting.
Not so much withstaying that way...
New plans? Please share them with us if you have them.
All my best to you and your family
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 737
Thank you for the helpful responses, lots to think about.
For today, I will work on not getting too caught up in how people receive what I do or say. I'll work on enjoying the fact that I don't need to drink just so I can be around my own family. I'll cook with some nice Christmas music, have sparkling cranberry juice, wrap presents,...things I used to like doing.
For today, I will work on not getting too caught up in how people receive what I do or say. I'll work on enjoying the fact that I don't need to drink just so I can be around my own family. I'll cook with some nice Christmas music, have sparkling cranberry juice, wrap presents,...things I used to like doing.
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