SoloMio

I haven't read/posted in a while--I've been busy at work, but also, for one very pleasant month, AH did not drink. Not sure why. But thank God for small favors, as my mother used to say.

He fell off the wagon when I was away on business last week and of course, now that it's Christmas time, he has to do his traditional buy-a-present/have-a-drink, buy-a-present/have-a drink. So tonight he's way out of it, has peed his pants, p*ssed off his brother, and has set my stomach a-flutter with butterflies.

I'm pretty good with detachment--too good in a way. I haven't figured out the right balance between changing what I can and accepting the rest. I remember a long time ago, when I was very pregnant with my daughter. I was working for a large corporation. Our home was being taken away from us so we were moving away just when I was ready to give birth. I was entitled to maternity benefits, but had to be careful not to quit too soon, so I timed my departure to coincide with the rules of the maternity policy. However, the division was experiencing lay-offs, and word had it that I was going to be laid off so they didn't have to pay maternity benefits. I was telling my mother about it on the phone, and saying how it wasn't fair, and she said "Well, you've never been much of a fighter." Wow... my mother never said anything negative to me in my whole life, and maybe she didn't consider that a negative comment, but it spurred me to action. I approached the division president and I won my maternity benefits.

But I don't know how to fight this alcoholism. Too often I lie down and play dead. I need a fighting spirit.

What does fighting alcoholism mean? Fighting is hard for me--when it comes to fight or flight, flight is my first choice every time. But in this case, I don't even flee--except for maybe fleeing my own emotions.

If I were going to take whatever it was that prompted me to stand up for myself with the president of a division of a multi-national corporation and win 25 years ago, how does that translate into fighting alcoholism today?

Pelican

I don't know how to teach you to fight.

I do think that I can share something about how not to enable the alcoholic:

The clothing that is now urine soaked is his responsibility.

Thumper

You can't fight alcoholism. That is his fight.

There it is. That is what you do. You fight for yourself. You fight for what you want, need, and deserve. Work towards that, one step at a time, and the rest of the answers will be there for you. You don't have to make long term decisions about your relationship. You don't have to make decisions about alcoholism. You just have to start thinking about fighting for what you deserve.

In the above case you knew what you wanted/deserved (maternity leave) so you could stand up to the powers that be. Do you know what you want/deserve now? I ask only because when I was struggling with my ah, I did not. I hadn't known for a very long time. It made it extremely hard to stand up to the manipulation tactics of my ah because I didn't know what I was standing up for. I had a hard time thinking of boundaries without knowing what it is I wanted/deserved.

To bring that around to Pelican's much briefer and more pertinent post I don't think anyone deserves to, or is happy to, clean bodily fluids up after a drunken episode so I agree, that is a good place to start

Phoenixthebird

"If I were going to take whatever it was that prompted me to stand up for myself with the president of a division of a multi-national corporation and win 25 years ago, how does that translate into fighting alcoholism today?

SoloMio, you can't compare the two! When you fought for your rights with the "division of a multi-national corporation" you were dealing with a rational entity. However, when you are fighting with alcoholism you are dealing with something totally IRRATIONAL!

Phoenix

crystal226

You can't fight alcoholism, but you can fight to have the life you want. You can search your soul and figure out what you want with your life and fight to achieve it. When you fight with another person or another person's problem your chances of losing are in their hands. When you fight for yourself and do what is best for you, you might encounter difficulties, but as long as you keep fighting you won't lose.

I agree with Thumper...you fought for maternity pay because you deserved it. So what do you deserve in your relationship? What can you do to get it?

lillamy

You can't find an irrational entity with rational means. That's why this Al-Anon thing and working on your recovery, while sounding counter-intuitive at first, really works. I was MAD at my first meeting when I found out that nobody gave a flying eff about my alcoholic, they were all about working on ME. And I was going, "Whaaaa? See, I am not the problem here, people!!!"

I could pretty much ditto Rayn. I thought I was fighting for my family, when in reality, all I was doing was fighting for my own pride.

Phoenixthebird

I wouldn't use the word "fight". Our First Step teaches “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.” First we must surrender......Then “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”