StillAlive2

Does anybody else have this problem? After having conversations with drug addicted boyfriend (now EX) in the past, I always felt like I was never understood. Anytime me and him used to have a fight he would get all his family and friends against me something that a two year old would do.

He gained real pleasure in making me look like the one that was crazy and mean and it really hurt and was humiliating. His entire family is truly dysfunctional. If I did anything at all that what hurt his little feelings then I was looked at as the problem while anytime he emotionally and psychologically abused me it was overlooked and swept under the rug and I was told to simply get over it.

For awhile I had to need to win or maybe say the right thing so him and his family would understand the ways I have been hurt and that it isn't all my fault. But I have come to the conclusion some people chose to live in denial and that you can't make sense out of nonsense. I deserve better truly. Time always reveals the truth.

Anyways no longer talking to him and never will. NEVER AGAIN!!!!

myernie

I fight every day with my need to win with my XABF! It is crazy, I know, but I just can't get over it sometimes. I want him to see, to understand what he has done to me, to his family. I am slowly, VERY SLOWLY coming to realize I won't ever see that. We only talk 1-2 a week but I lay in bed and plan the conversations I want to have with him thinking if I just say this or that he will realize what he has done.

I am glad someone else has this same issue!!

MsPINKAcres

What I learned in my recovery is that I had the need to be validated; and that this was a legitimate need ~ My only problem is that I was going to the WRONG source to get it.
Hence the expression . . .

"Going to the Hardware store for a loaf of Bread"
Ya ain't gonna get whatcha need there, but Honey you still NEED BREAD! Where ya gonna get your bread?"

I learned that I needed to turn to healthy, recovery oriented people to help me seek true validation, understanding of my feelings and a relationship with my Higher Power to help me KNOW my own TRUTHS.

The desire to WIN against the addicts/alcoholics slowly faded - why? Because regardless of what "they" said - I was at peace within my own self.

Beside it's easier to argue with a PINE Tree than to try to get an Active Addict to see things "our way"

PINK HUGS,
Rita

OpenYourEyes

I have this problem. I think it is due to having a hard time accepting that I do not have control in the situation. It's exhausting thinking that maybe if we think of the right words, maybe if we say it one more time, maybe if we catch them at a right moment everything will click and they will have clarity to the situation. I think that those who care about an addict often personalize the battle, and we make it about us. We think maybe we aren't enough for them, maybe we haven't found the right approach, when really it is all about something inside the addict. Addiction is a battle, but is not one that we really can fight for another person. Until they have clarity they cannot really understand our feelings, hurt, or concern.

It sounds like your ex is pushing you down emotionally to feel like it is not something in him, and sadly he has people around him who are validating this. Maybe he is manipulating them, maybe they are enabling, maybe they just aren't ready to see the truth. The only thing you can concentrate on winning right now is being free from him and able to define yourself not through him and his addiction, but through yourself as your own person. It helps to have a strong support network, especially with people who might not know him personally so that they are more objective, to validate you and help you rebuild what has been hurt by him.

Best wishes for you. It's hard.

myernie

This thread has helped me so much! I literally will lay in bed at night and plan our conversations and think "if I tell him this or that, make sure he sees this or that" I can make a light bulb go off for him. Last night I had about a 20 minute conversation planned out that I almost got up and took notes. How sad is that?

OpenYourEyes

So relatable myernie. I have a little notebook on my bedside table that I filled with all the thoughts/ideas/etc that I thought might make it click for him. I usually spent more time writing than sleeping. I also have letters I wrote stored on my computer. No matter how long we outline, how clear it is to us, it's like we are speaking two languages. Which in a way we are. There's just not going to be that one conversation that makes it all change, especially not if we are the ones bringing it up.

Impurrfect

Before I was an A, I was a codie. I remember, vividly, the feeling of "if I just say the right thing, he'll realize what he's done to me!!".

Having gone through my own addiction, I realize how that really doesn't work. I didn't "hear" anything I didn't want to when I was active. Nothing but consequences got through my thick head. Even when I got clean, but wasn't in recovery, I still had a skewed way of thinking.

I agree with ((Rita)) - we do need validation, but it's not going to come from an A. Sure, they may get into recovery, make amends, and say those words we all wanted to hear "I was wrong, you were right". However, how long are we gonna wait? I never heard those words (except when XABF#3 was in jail, and it was jail talk). He died. I was well into recovery from both my addiction and codependency, that I was okay, not ever hearing that from him.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Foreverchanged

I feel the same. I always write down my thoughts so I can remember when I do talk to my exab to tell him all the horrible things he has done. And hope something will click or somehow he will see the light. When in fact nothing I say doesn't even phase him. I wrote countless letters to him while he was in jail. Telling him all the hurt and pain he has caused, all the lies, and how he needs to get help. He agreed and basically told me what I wanted to hear. Had me believing he was going to change. Begging me not to leave him. Only to find out the day he was released he just went right back to using.

It's sad your exab's family and friends are in denial. Good for you for deciding not to talk to him. Now you don't have to make him or his family understand you are not the problem.

NeverLetGo23

Forgiveness is the ability to deny someone's power over you.

Time4Me1

Validation of self....hardest one of all!!!

goldengirl3

Boy do I know this one. I would just argue and try to prove how I was right...like if I could just prove whatever then he would have to back off and realize...nope. It took me forever to finally give up. You can't reason with crazy.

myernie

Reminded of something my dad always tells me: "You cannot have a battle of wits with an unarmed man." He usually tells me this when we are discussing my ex-h and his wife but I just realized it totally fits this situation as well!