Babyblue

I called the rehab place where RABF is and got a run down of the program/rules. He is in a long term faith based program.. here is a staff person at the women's side of the program told me (rules are the same for men but they seem to be more relaxed about the men's program).

For both programs: They tell them NOT to be in relationships while in the program, won't allow calls by members of the opposite sex (unless it is a wife, family but NO girlfriends, fiancee's etc). Limit phone calls altogether to people on their 'list' (but no girlfriends on the list). Anything having to do with a relationship, opposite sex stuff is verbotten for many months (this includes letters but they are lax with that rule). They can spend time with family/spouses off sight but after an orientation but they can't spend time with girlfriends! even if she is a stable, responsible type. No opposite sex involvement on any level, not even a friend. She said the focus has to be on the person in the program. She also said that the biggest reason for getting kicked out or for people deciding to leave the program is NOT relapse or using but the very strict rules regarding external relationships. Many can't cope and decide to leave (again this is a religious based program so the fact that it is more rigid doesn't surprise me). She said that they are told from the start that they cannot be in relationships while in the program. They seem to be more strict with the women though on the relationship rules, she said, because I guess women have different relationship issues then most men. But the rules are the same for both programs.

What the?? I am sort of crushed. And they aren't supposed to even write letters to their gf's/bf's. Except that lots of people sneak past this rule and manage to get letters out once they are given more priviledges. I get the focus on recovery bit, discouraging new relationships but why such draconian (and kind of old fashioned) views on existing relationships?

I do support that he is doing this. I get it and it makes sense now why he hasn't contacted me. I know it is for his recovery and I honestly believe that the sacrifice IS worth it but doesn't mean its going to hurt any less.

Is he even thinking about me? Missing me? Sounds like a very isolating type of environment. He has been getting my letters (cuz the men's program isn't so rigid) but I don't want to write if it is against the program rules. I also want him to know that I still think about him and am supportive What would be the best thing for me to do?

I know the responses are going to be 'let go' or 'detach' and if it is meant to be...etc. I know and that is what I'll end up doing but how do I do it in such away that he doesn't feel like I've given up on him? or that I've abandoned him?

man, this sucks

suki44883

While that sounds a little strict to me, it's still the program that he chose. I don't see how you could be accused of abandoning him or giving up on him when he is the one with all the rules.

What are you doing for yourself while he is in rehab? Just sitting around thinking about him and wondering if he is thinking about you isn't very productive. Why not take this time to pamper yourself a little and do things and go places that you enjoy. No one knows what the future will bring, but if you can get yourself to a place of contentment and serenity, you'll be fine whatever happens.

Bolina

Ugh at the sexist rules.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling shut out. Are you doing some recovery of your own? Let's face it, he is hardly abandoned if he has a recovery place all to himself. Do you get one of those? Can you write him a letter everyday so that you can give them to him when he gets out?

Sorry to be harsh, but this isn't about you. What can you add into your life that is about you?

yorkiegirl

When my husband was in rehab, many of the girlfriends & friends came to the family therapy sessions. The rehab my husband went to strongly supported "family involvement." Some of the patients didn't have supportive family so when some of the guys checked out of the facility (remained sober), they came back for the family sessions to support their friends in rehab. It was nice to see that bond, comraderie and support. Those whose families cut them off really appreciated their friends coming to support them. They also urged the family and friends (as part of this program) to consider their own recovery. They were sometimes hard on the family (but I thought in a good way) because family members often thought they didn't have a problem. This rehab also had individualized family counseling as part of the recovery program too.

Some "friends and family" can be toxic and a huge part of the problem, not solution. So I understand why there would be such a rule. However, I feel if people are going to be in the lives of the A, they should be exposed/introduced to the possibility and option of their recoveries as well (not just the A's).

It's hard when one is a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend," because they aren't seen as part of "the family."

Feeling for you, Babyblue!

Phoenixthebird

Babyblue, I hear your pain about being cut out of your boyfriend's recovery program. Yorkiegirl's description of rehab facilities and "individualized family counseling as part of the recovery program" is what I am familiar with.

I think it would be helpful to you to understand your boyfriend's rehab facility's mission goal, their treatment philosophy, and their treatment goals. I believe half of your frustration is not understanding the rehab's rationale for cutting you out.

if it is meant to be...........nothing can't stop it
if it isn't god's will ............nothing can't make it happen

*******************************

meditation

That one sounds more strict than the one I went to. So does he get any visitation out? Like a weekend leave or a holiday leave? I wish I had good things to give you or say,it's a waiting game I guess. A big huge hug for your pain. I was sick the other day, I did not mean to run out/off I was having some panic attacks and breathing problems. I apologize. I 'm always around normally unless I'm like I was the other day. Hugs

Babyblue

Thank you everyone for your reassuring feedback.

I did finally hear from him. He was as sweet as could be, maybe even more so. He seemed to really want to make sure that I was still there and that I was ok (I didn't write because I was pouty).

I'm just a freak that needs to not let my imagination (or ignorance about recovery) get the better of me.

I do this to myself. It is almost sadistic that I go to the worse possible outcome instead of staying in the present. If any of you fine folks know of any good books about staying in the present, please let me know!!

bb

yorkiegirl

Happy for you, Babyblue!

LaTeeDa

"The Power of Now," and "A New Earth," both by Eckhart Tolle.

L

Mambo Queen

I was JUST getting ready to write the same recommendation, LaTeeDa. I just started reading "The Power of Now" and I'm really getting a LOT out of it.

yorkiegirl

I'm putting that book on my list too. Thank you, LaTeeDa!

Phoenixthebird

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself"

From Franklin D. Roosevelt's first inaugural address, which contained the full quote in the fifth sentence:

"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."