Opinions Please
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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Opinions Please
I gave 300.00 to a guy who has helped me before when I could not go rent son a motel room (his money) I am payee over his disability.
The money was suppose to be spent on a room for a week some groceries and a jacket.
Son threw such a fit after they left that he just said to heck with it and gave son the cash. Needless to say son called yesterday saying he needed a room claiming he got kicked out for fighting. I spoke with the guy I gave the cash to and he told me what happened and that son had cracked up the money.
What I need an opinion on is this, we are under a winter weather advisory, I told AS do not ask for anymore cash for anything for a week which will be Thursday.
Would you let him suffer the consequences of his actions or seeing it is his money would you rent a room? I know he will learn nothing if I rent a room.
In the past I have rented rooms and asked the people to please not give him any money back and they have signs saying no refunds as well.
However, he throws, such fits that many times they have given him part of the money back.
I really do not have a clue what to do. I understand I have to make the decision but truly would appreciate opinions and insight.
The money was suppose to be spent on a room for a week some groceries and a jacket.
Son threw such a fit after they left that he just said to heck with it and gave son the cash. Needless to say son called yesterday saying he needed a room claiming he got kicked out for fighting. I spoke with the guy I gave the cash to and he told me what happened and that son had cracked up the money.
What I need an opinion on is this, we are under a winter weather advisory, I told AS do not ask for anymore cash for anything for a week which will be Thursday.
Would you let him suffer the consequences of his actions or seeing it is his money would you rent a room? I know he will learn nothing if I rent a room.
In the past I have rented rooms and asked the people to please not give him any money back and they have signs saying no refunds as well.
However, he throws, such fits that many times they have given him part of the money back.
I really do not have a clue what to do. I understand I have to make the decision but truly would appreciate opinions and insight.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Nothing changes if nothing changes. He isn't going to learn to be responsible if you keep bailing him out. The fact that it's cold outside doesn't matter. He should have thought of that before he blew all his money. I vote to let him face the consequences of his bad choices.
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That is what I am leaning towards I just feel guilty because he has money for a room however legally I am covered because Social Security has told me before when he got money back from a motel that I did what I was required to do and that I could wait a week before getting him another one.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Okay, I didn't quite understand that. Are you saying that he has money in his account over which you have control, but he doesn't have cash money on him right now? In any case, it's beside the point. I know how we can feel guilty when our kids make lousy choices, but it's not really for us to feel guilty. YOU didn't spend his room money for drugs, HE did. He has to learn that if he chooses to do that, he is going to have to face the consequences of his actions.
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Suki, He gets disability for his mental illness and has to have a payee over his money and right now I am the payee. So I have money that is his to be spent on him. I keep the money cash on me because when I have an account it has to be set up his name first the under says by payee...ME and he has taken checks before and bought things and then sold them and traded for drugs,
He has no cash that I know of.
He has no cash that I know of.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Okay, that's kind of what I thought. Well, I think you know what you should do, but, being a mother, I also know what you want to do. You want to know your son has a place to live and food to eat. The thing is, all that was arranged, but he threw a fit, got his money and went and spent it on drugs. He knew what he was doing. In order for him to learn he can't do that, you have to allow him to be uncomfortable for a while, even if it makes you feel guilty. (Which it shouldn't, but I know it does.) Hang in there and stay strong. We don't do our kids any favors when we constantly clean up their messes. They have to learn to do these things themselves. 
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Location: Bristol TN/VA
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Sweetie,
There are places that will put him up for the night, feed him and provide him with a jacket. and 3 changes of clothing and a pair of shoes.
Even if he has blown his last dime, there is help out there, isn't there?
I don't think there is a right answer in this situation. You know him and all of it best.
The mental illness does make this a bit different than if were not present.
I don't want anyone to be out there in a winter weather advisory, y'know?
Do you know what his options are?
There are places that will put him up for the night, feed him and provide him with a jacket. and 3 changes of clothing and a pair of shoes.
Even if he has blown his last dime, there is help out there, isn't there?
I don't think there is a right answer in this situation. You know him and all of it best.
The mental illness does make this a bit different than if were not present.
I don't want anyone to be out there in a winter weather advisory, y'know?
Do you know what his options are?
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He is staying with a friend tonight and I told him he has to go to the local Rescue Mission tomorrow.
Live, the mental illness does make me a bit more uncomfortable and confused when making decisions about him but I remind myself that even the mental health workers, say the addiction has to be treated first.
Not, to mention that in just general conversation he is very smart and he can find a way to get drugs no matter what so I believe he can find somewwhere to stay if it ends up being in an abandoned house than so be it he has other options and I have made a list to give him seeing he has no phone or car. (The doctors will not give him a medical release to drive)
Thanks everyone I just needed to see typed what I already knew and the only person I had to talk too about it was AH of course he thinks I should enable lol he wants me to enable him as well...
Live, the mental illness does make me a bit more uncomfortable and confused when making decisions about him but I remind myself that even the mental health workers, say the addiction has to be treated first.
Not, to mention that in just general conversation he is very smart and he can find a way to get drugs no matter what so I believe he can find somewwhere to stay if it ends up being in an abandoned house than so be it he has other options and I have made a list to give him seeing he has no phone or car. (The doctors will not give him a medical release to drive)
Thanks everyone I just needed to see typed what I already knew and the only person I had to talk too about it was AH of course he thinks I should enable lol he wants me to enable him as well...
Last edited by crazybabie; 12-11-2010 at 05:45 PM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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I cringe when I read of parents paying for hotel rooms for their drug addicted adult children to "sleep" in. Drug addicts allow other drug addicts, hookers, drug dealers and all kinds of unsavory characters to stay in their rooms so that they have people to party with and so they can get free drugs.
It's kind of like loaning out your car to the crack dealer for a couple rocks.
He's much safer at the local homeless shelter or in jail. Believe me. I've been there. If you don't, just spend a couple hours in the parking lot of your local $50 a night/rooms by the week Highway Hotel or Drift On Inn and you can be a eye witness to what I'm talking about.
It's kind of like loaning out your car to the crack dealer for a couple rocks.
He's much safer at the local homeless shelter or in jail. Believe me. I've been there. If you don't, just spend a couple hours in the parking lot of your local $50 a night/rooms by the week Highway Hotel or Drift On Inn and you can be a eye witness to what I'm talking about.
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i think the larger question is, "how do i extricate myself from the situation of being my son's payee?" you should not have to be exposed to this kind of drama and heartache. can we locate someone else to be your son's keeper?
surely there are advocates in the system from which he gets the funds?
surely there are advocates in the system from which he gets the funds?
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Hello-kitty I cringe as well with the motel rooms I know what occurs 
A motel room is my only option with him. Earlier this year I rented him a mobile home and had the utilities turned on after two days he had most of his money back and half of the deposit back…
The landlord told me that he saw it wasn’t going to work.
The place was in the country and my son had people hanging out with him and they were walking up and down the roads constantly trying to bum cigarettes and trying to use peoples phones. Same with an apartment I rented him. He has been thrown out of almost every motel in our area as well.
Cynical, His diagnosis, is schizoaffective and anti-social personality his illness began when he was, six years old at that age he was seeing 3 demon faces that were “outside” his head and hey talked to him,
Later they went inside his head is what the doctors told me. Hard to explain.
When they were outside his head he would hear them same as if they were someone sitting in the room with one talking to you. When they go inside ones head you hear them in a muffled manner.
Cynical and Coffeedrinker, I am the only one in the family who will be his payee and I have came off as payee at my request and at SS request. I went to the SS office and told them about him continuously getting his money back from places I rent him, they said it was a drug case and they should have removed me before. I was ecstatic trust me I do not want to be his payee.
They said he would have to have an agency there are two in our town both refused him because of his history. SS, started mailing me the checks again without asking me however I did cash them I should have taken them back and refused.
I see my mental health doctor Monday and am asking him to write me a letter to give SS, stating that my being his payee interferes with my own mental illness I have a diagnosis of bi-polar mixed and panic attacks with agoraphobia. I would think at that point they would have to keep me off as payee if not I have decided any check they mail me I will take and hand it back to them.
A motel room is my only option with him. Earlier this year I rented him a mobile home and had the utilities turned on after two days he had most of his money back and half of the deposit back…
The landlord told me that he saw it wasn’t going to work.
The place was in the country and my son had people hanging out with him and they were walking up and down the roads constantly trying to bum cigarettes and trying to use peoples phones. Same with an apartment I rented him. He has been thrown out of almost every motel in our area as well.
Cynical, His diagnosis, is schizoaffective and anti-social personality his illness began when he was, six years old at that age he was seeing 3 demon faces that were “outside” his head and hey talked to him,
Later they went inside his head is what the doctors told me. Hard to explain.
When they were outside his head he would hear them same as if they were someone sitting in the room with one talking to you. When they go inside ones head you hear them in a muffled manner.
Cynical and Coffeedrinker, I am the only one in the family who will be his payee and I have came off as payee at my request and at SS request. I went to the SS office and told them about him continuously getting his money back from places I rent him, they said it was a drug case and they should have removed me before. I was ecstatic trust me I do not want to be his payee.
They said he would have to have an agency there are two in our town both refused him because of his history. SS, started mailing me the checks again without asking me however I did cash them I should have taken them back and refused.
I see my mental health doctor Monday and am asking him to write me a letter to give SS, stating that my being his payee interferes with my own mental illness I have a diagnosis of bi-polar mixed and panic attacks with agoraphobia. I would think at that point they would have to keep me off as payee if not I have decided any check they mail me I will take and hand it back to them.
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This is too much for you to deal with crazybaby. Too much for anyone to try to manage. You are making yourself sick, and unfortunately, for all your good intentions, you are not helping him either. He's out of your control.
If he's unable to function or take care of himself, maybe the best thing you can do is have him committed or hand him over to the state. At some point, you are not going to be around to take care of him. Then what? With an unmanaged diagnosis of schizoaffective and anti-social personality, and then add into that illegal drug use and all the danger that goes with it, it sounds like a time bomb waiting to explode.
Also, it seems to me that if you refuse to be his payee, and no one else will be his payee, the state will step in and handle it.
If he's unable to function or take care of himself, maybe the best thing you can do is have him committed or hand him over to the state. At some point, you are not going to be around to take care of him. Then what? With an unmanaged diagnosis of schizoaffective and anti-social personality, and then add into that illegal drug use and all the danger that goes with it, it sounds like a time bomb waiting to explode.
Also, it seems to me that if you refuse to be his payee, and no one else will be his payee, the state will step in and handle it.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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so sorry your going through this crazybabie, just not healthy for you as you have your own health and recovery to worry about.
I too agree maybe call a state agency or even social security, I know ss has
advocates for the disabled that will be payees for the person.
It seems like this is stressing you out and that is understandable, but if your
son isnt 100% disabled as he doesnt seem to be as he is capable of finding drugs and using his money for drugs etc..it will be the best for you and him to have someone else take care of his monthly income, it might be just what he needs. I would think being his mom he doesnt have to answer to how he spends his money and gets bailed out, maybe with someone else that will change.
Most importantly you have to do this for YOU.
I hope your dr.will be able to assist you. I can only imagine how difficult this is on you..hang in there..
I too agree maybe call a state agency or even social security, I know ss has
advocates for the disabled that will be payees for the person.
It seems like this is stressing you out and that is understandable, but if your
son isnt 100% disabled as he doesnt seem to be as he is capable of finding drugs and using his money for drugs etc..it will be the best for you and him to have someone else take care of his monthly income, it might be just what he needs. I would think being his mom he doesnt have to answer to how he spends his money and gets bailed out, maybe with someone else that will change.
Most importantly you have to do this for YOU.
I hope your dr.will be able to assist you. I can only imagine how difficult this is on you..hang in there..
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When you say hand him over to the state I am not sure what you mean. I can't have him commited been there done that and each time they had to release him after the inital 48-72 hours because he tested positive for drugs.
The SS office did tell us the agencies in my town both refused him but that isan't going to be an issue with me anymore. He just simply will not get the check and I don't know where he will go from there. He needs group home living we have been told that but he cannot legally be forced into it and he refuses to go.
Your defiently right it is a ticking time bomb waiting to happen I have had several police officers ask me if I have life insurance on him...
Between my mental illness and codependedncy and my oldest AS that is the one we are discussing here, then my middle AS and AH, and my daughter who has decided it is ok to steal frm me and stores and her bf abuses her .I sometimes wonder how I am suppose to handle everything. Thank God I found SR and alanon...
I often have to remind myself there are people out there whos situiation is worse and then I can be grateful for mine.
The SS office did tell us the agencies in my town both refused him but that isan't going to be an issue with me anymore. He just simply will not get the check and I don't know where he will go from there. He needs group home living we have been told that but he cannot legally be forced into it and he refuses to go.
Your defiently right it is a ticking time bomb waiting to happen I have had several police officers ask me if I have life insurance on him...
Between my mental illness and codependedncy and my oldest AS that is the one we are discussing here, then my middle AS and AH, and my daughter who has decided it is ok to steal frm me and stores and her bf abuses her .I sometimes wonder how I am suppose to handle everything. Thank God I found SR and alanon...
I often have to remind myself there are people out there whos situiation is worse and then I can be grateful for mine.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I find this to be a very sad circumstance. Both conditions negatively effect his ability to be able to care for himself responsibly. There are more gaps in the mental health care system than is acknowledged.
I checked your weather down there yesterday. It is unseasonably cold.
Please take good care of yourself! ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
I checked your weather down there yesterday. It is unseasonably cold.
Please take good care of yourself! ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Location: Alabama
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Yes the weather here is not good I know other states have it colder but we are not use to this... in my town we are under a winter weather advisory and a wind chill warning.
AS has not called me today hopefully he is, still staying with his friend.
The mental health system sucks I know most do but I have been told before if I lived in different states I could likely get something done.
AS has not called me today hopefully he is, still staying with his friend.
The mental health system sucks I know most do but I have been told before if I lived in different states I could likely get something done.
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Start here:
Alabama Department of Mental Health
Or here...
ADAP
ADAP is free, all states have them. I used to work for one!
Sounds like he may need a designated person to decide things in his best interest if he isn't able to (i.e. using money for drugs), that is a conservator. You don't have to be trustee. Families do not have to be either conservator or rep payee, the state will take over.
Alabama Department of Mental Health
Or here...
ADAP
ADAP is free, all states have them. I used to work for one!
Sounds like he may need a designated person to decide things in his best interest if he isn't able to (i.e. using money for drugs), that is a conservator. You don't have to be trustee. Families do not have to be either conservator or rep payee, the state will take over.
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