Recognizing recovery in yourself or others
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Rayn, it is one of those things that is near on inexplicable, I think. It's only when I see it that I do a big <sigh> and go Yeah! It's abit of a sneaky sign. Like I said, it is based on humility for me. And it's not just about recovery from alcohol based things, just a greater awareness that is borne from some tough stuff.
Get thee to some Al-anon meetings, work the steps with a sponsor, and go to some open AA meetings and you'll see what I mean. Really, if you do the work yourself and see others do the same, then you will come to recognize it in others. (if you wanna do a pre-sponsor cheat I have a great Step 4 worksheet but would be out of line to mention it here. Oops)
Get thee to some Al-anon meetings, work the steps with a sponsor, and go to some open AA meetings and you'll see what I mean. Really, if you do the work yourself and see others do the same, then you will come to recognize it in others. (if you wanna do a pre-sponsor cheat I have a great Step 4 worksheet but would be out of line to mention it here. Oops)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by Bolina 
.... How?....
Recovery is about living life on life's terms. Once I got off the co-dependency roller-coaster, once I stopped living like the world was going to end _now_ if I didn't fix _her_, once I got rid of my over-the-top AAA personality..... whadya know. I started meeting other people that are like me.
They say opposites attract. That's not the way it is for me. In my life it's "dysfunction attracts". As long as I was a co-dependent nut case I attracted other nut cases. Once I learned how to "play" the very difficult thing called "serenity", I could see other people that were doing it as well.
Mike
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Bolina, since I have had no experience in "Recognizing recovery in yourself or others" I borrowed an excerpt from the "Barefoot's World" website, which is based on the "Big Book".
"My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a new way of living which answered ALL my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the NEW order of things, were the ESSENTIAL REQUIREMENTS." (Not suggestions but requirements.)"
"Simple, but not easy; a price HAD to be paid. It meant DESTRUCTION of self-centeredness. I MUST turn in ALL things to the Father of Light who presides over us all."
"Bill" writes "My friend had emphasized the ABSOLUTE NECESSITY of demonstrating these principles in ALL my affairs. Particularly was it IMPERATIVE to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! (Now this next line might be one of the MOST important lines in this whole book, so please notice what it says.) For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would SURELY drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that."
"Bill" takes the actions Dr. Silkworth, "Bill's treating physician, recommends and has a sudden conversion experience. He has the "entire psychic change". "Bill" describes his spiritual awakening:
"These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I FULLY accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound."
"Bill's" life is drastically changed. He never drinks alcohol again, as THE result of taking certain actions."
"The feeling of having shared in a common peril is ONE element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would NEVER have held us together as we are now joined.
"The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism."
"Where we get the feeling of having shared in the common peril is in the fellowship of AA, but the book is warning us that getting involved in JUST the fellowship is NOT enough. There are TWO parts to AA's solution to alcoholism, the fellowship AND the program (which are the Twelve Steps), and we need to be involved in BOTH parts."
******************************
"My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a new way of living which answered ALL my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the NEW order of things, were the ESSENTIAL REQUIREMENTS." (Not suggestions but requirements.)"
"Simple, but not easy; a price HAD to be paid. It meant DESTRUCTION of self-centeredness. I MUST turn in ALL things to the Father of Light who presides over us all."
"Bill" writes "My friend had emphasized the ABSOLUTE NECESSITY of demonstrating these principles in ALL my affairs. Particularly was it IMPERATIVE to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! (Now this next line might be one of the MOST important lines in this whole book, so please notice what it says.) For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would SURELY drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that."
"Bill" takes the actions Dr. Silkworth, "Bill's treating physician, recommends and has a sudden conversion experience. He has the "entire psychic change". "Bill" describes his spiritual awakening:
"These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I FULLY accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound."
"Bill's" life is drastically changed. He never drinks alcohol again, as THE result of taking certain actions."
"The feeling of having shared in a common peril is ONE element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would NEVER have held us together as we are now joined.
"The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism."
"Where we get the feeling of having shared in the common peril is in the fellowship of AA, but the book is warning us that getting involved in JUST the fellowship is NOT enough. There are TWO parts to AA's solution to alcoholism, the fellowship AND the program (which are the Twelve Steps), and we need to be involved in BOTH parts."
******************************
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
My own recovery:
I have been humbled. I surrendered. I got off my high horse about being the "normal" (i.e. non-addicted) & "high functioning" one. I am sincere in wanting to be well and unaddicted from my A. I am working on stopping the "meddling." I am trying to give others the dignity and respect to work on their things (including failing/learning from their mistakes --without my doing or saying anything. This is where I detach with love). I don't want to be entangled in/live in active addiction ever again. My RAH has been in recovery for 9 months. The old me before I left would've been home even before he got out of rehab. I want to go home but I also want to "feel" it's time to go home.
Will I be able to rid myself of the effects of addiction ever? On some level, for the rest of my life, the effects of alcohol addiction will probably stay with me (both the good and bad). It's part of my own family/personal history. The profession I chose, the husband I chose, my personality quirks, my social/political interests, etc. are all on some deep level, I believe, informed and influenced by the lifelong effects of alcohol addiction. While I accept this (part of my surrender), I can also correct a lot of things. What I most want to correct is how I raise my child. If I can not enable, not be co-dependent as well as be serene, calm, stable, happy, fulfilled in both my personal/professional lives, respect and love my daughter's father (my RAH) the way a healthy partner is supposed to, etc. then, I think I can help to be an example for my daughter. This is a huge motivating factor for me (to be an example for my daughter).
Do I fall short in terms of my recovery?
Often!
Can I always intervene on my thoughts and actions?
No. However, that doesn't stop me from trying "to do better" next time I'm confronted with a new or similar situation.
I feel like I'm doing pretty well. Coming on this forum and hearing some "tough love" talk (even when it stings) and hearing that others went through/are going through what I did really really helps. (I take what I like & might apply it to me and leave the rest). My life used to be consumed with worrying about my A. Even during NC, I thought about him constantly, hoped, prayed, asked "why oh why?" I thought about him and talked about him constantly, incessantly.
I am taking action whenever possible to heal. I am trying to practice what I learn and gain from recovery, even when sometimes I really don't want to.
As for my RAH's recovery, how do I know?
I probably will never "know" (and I'm okay with that). What I can say is I can "feel" it. I can "see" it. I see and feel change.
When my RAH went into rehab, and we'd go to visit each week during the family therapy sessions, I would see so much change in him each week. When he first came out of rehab (first week or so), I again continued to see a whole, new person --someone I never saw. He was so clear and present. He was sincere and humble. Then, I saw some dips (reverting to old ways) which freaked me out (note: this says more about my own lack of recovery than his). I was starting to worry and obsess. For every time he reverts to his old ways (negative thinking or emotionally shuts down), I can see his sincere attempts at correcting them. He goes through some dips and bumps. However, through those dips and bumps (dry drunk characteristics), I still see someone who picks himself back up and gets himself to meetings. I no longer ask if he has a meeting. He usually tells me, "I'm going to a meeting tonight." He goes consistently anywhere from 3 to 5 meetings per night. He is working. He is sleeping. He is eating. He physically looks good. He is following through. When he says he is going to do something, he does (more often than not). When I call him, he picks up. When he doesn't pick up, he calls back. When he takes me on a date, he pays. He gives me money to help with our daughter. When I visit him at our house, there are no beer cans or bongs lying around anywhere. He comes around and stays around (no sneaking in and out to down a can of beer or smoke a joint). When he has an issue in his life, he shared with me briefly that he can call up some of the old-timers he likes & respects in AA or seeks help/advice in his meetings. He is present. His mind is clearer. He is responsive and responsible. These are all "little things" but all of these "little things" put together are *huge.* The less I focus on him and the less I stress over him, the better he does with his recovery and the more he becomes the kind of partner I feel I can spend the rest of my life with, not just "coping with." I think that is a sign from my Higher Powers that I really need to focus on myself --let him focus on him-- for our respective recoveries. (Lesson for me: Butt out of my RAH's recovery!)
(I know to "normal" people the list I made about my husband's actions might seem like "things he is supposed to be doing." For my husband, it's huge! I don't want to overly stress this, but it is 180-degree difference. I "feel" and "see" it.) Getting myself out of the web of addiction (therefore, without denial, false hopes, dishonesty, etc.) and listening to what my "gut" is telling me, the answers usually come. I am learning to listen to myself (not my ego).
I have been humbled. I surrendered. I got off my high horse about being the "normal" (i.e. non-addicted) & "high functioning" one. I am sincere in wanting to be well and unaddicted from my A. I am working on stopping the "meddling." I am trying to give others the dignity and respect to work on their things (including failing/learning from their mistakes --without my doing or saying anything. This is where I detach with love). I don't want to be entangled in/live in active addiction ever again. My RAH has been in recovery for 9 months. The old me before I left would've been home even before he got out of rehab. I want to go home but I also want to "feel" it's time to go home.
Will I be able to rid myself of the effects of addiction ever? On some level, for the rest of my life, the effects of alcohol addiction will probably stay with me (both the good and bad). It's part of my own family/personal history. The profession I chose, the husband I chose, my personality quirks, my social/political interests, etc. are all on some deep level, I believe, informed and influenced by the lifelong effects of alcohol addiction. While I accept this (part of my surrender), I can also correct a lot of things. What I most want to correct is how I raise my child. If I can not enable, not be co-dependent as well as be serene, calm, stable, happy, fulfilled in both my personal/professional lives, respect and love my daughter's father (my RAH) the way a healthy partner is supposed to, etc. then, I think I can help to be an example for my daughter. This is a huge motivating factor for me (to be an example for my daughter).
Do I fall short in terms of my recovery?
Often!
Can I always intervene on my thoughts and actions?
No. However, that doesn't stop me from trying "to do better" next time I'm confronted with a new or similar situation.
I feel like I'm doing pretty well. Coming on this forum and hearing some "tough love" talk (even when it stings) and hearing that others went through/are going through what I did really really helps. (I take what I like & might apply it to me and leave the rest). My life used to be consumed with worrying about my A. Even during NC, I thought about him constantly, hoped, prayed, asked "why oh why?" I thought about him and talked about him constantly, incessantly.
I am taking action whenever possible to heal. I am trying to practice what I learn and gain from recovery, even when sometimes I really don't want to.
As for my RAH's recovery, how do I know?
I probably will never "know" (and I'm okay with that). What I can say is I can "feel" it. I can "see" it. I see and feel change.
When my RAH went into rehab, and we'd go to visit each week during the family therapy sessions, I would see so much change in him each week. When he first came out of rehab (first week or so), I again continued to see a whole, new person --someone I never saw. He was so clear and present. He was sincere and humble. Then, I saw some dips (reverting to old ways) which freaked me out (note: this says more about my own lack of recovery than his). I was starting to worry and obsess. For every time he reverts to his old ways (negative thinking or emotionally shuts down), I can see his sincere attempts at correcting them. He goes through some dips and bumps. However, through those dips and bumps (dry drunk characteristics), I still see someone who picks himself back up and gets himself to meetings. I no longer ask if he has a meeting. He usually tells me, "I'm going to a meeting tonight." He goes consistently anywhere from 3 to 5 meetings per night. He is working. He is sleeping. He is eating. He physically looks good. He is following through. When he says he is going to do something, he does (more often than not). When I call him, he picks up. When he doesn't pick up, he calls back. When he takes me on a date, he pays. He gives me money to help with our daughter. When I visit him at our house, there are no beer cans or bongs lying around anywhere. He comes around and stays around (no sneaking in and out to down a can of beer or smoke a joint). When he has an issue in his life, he shared with me briefly that he can call up some of the old-timers he likes & respects in AA or seeks help/advice in his meetings. He is present. His mind is clearer. He is responsive and responsible. These are all "little things" but all of these "little things" put together are *huge.* The less I focus on him and the less I stress over him, the better he does with his recovery and the more he becomes the kind of partner I feel I can spend the rest of my life with, not just "coping with." I think that is a sign from my Higher Powers that I really need to focus on myself --let him focus on him-- for our respective recoveries. (Lesson for me: Butt out of my RAH's recovery!)
(I know to "normal" people the list I made about my husband's actions might seem like "things he is supposed to be doing." For my husband, it's huge! I don't want to overly stress this, but it is 180-degree difference. I "feel" and "see" it.) Getting myself out of the web of addiction (therefore, without denial, false hopes, dishonesty, etc.) and listening to what my "gut" is telling me, the answers usually come. I am learning to listen to myself (not my ego).
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Recovery to me looks like..someone who admits they are an alcoholic/addict and is actively working some sort of program.has a fairly positive attitude in general, no longer is using the "old behaviors" including manipulation, minimizing, terrorizing,intimidation,hostility,etc. You hear new ideas coming out of thier mouths that you'd never thought you'd hear..things like accepting responsponsibilty for a problem, calmly discussing matters,LISTENING to others..especially loved ones and peers in the program. They put thier sobriety first, start giving to others (service), are on time, show up, participate. There is a lack of denial,ther IS acceptance and most important of all to me..SURRENDER.
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