OT, well, not alkie related but it's maybe codie!
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
OT, well, not alkie related but it's maybe codie!
At the moment I'm at the end of my tether with my mum and aunt!
My relationship with my mum as I was growing up was at best 'tolerable', I was and still am I suppose, a daddys girl.
Since my brother died we got closer and have had a good adult relationship for the last couple of years. (My brother was mummys boy in a good way, but there was no room for anyone else!)
I'm having problems at the moment with Joes other Aunt, my mum is Joes grandmother and I've been sharing things with her, and with her sister, my aunt, who is only ten years older than me and whom I've always got on with very well.
My aunt is having problems of her own so we've all been 'propping each other up' for a while. (Her so doesn't allow her to see her own grandkids)
That's just background as to where we're at.
My Aunt is great, but she's very opinionated and I'm discovering she's the biggest codependant I've ever known.
I said I was thinking of moving house a few weeks ago, next thing I know she has a sheaf of houses for me to look at.
I'm thinking of changing jobs, I mention it in conversation and I have a sheaf of job ads to match the house ads!
My Aunt used to look after my Grandad on a dialy basis, I realise now she did all the things he could have done himself and this is why she resented me when I 'took over' his care, my motto is 'if you can you do'. Unfortunately he fell when she was on holiday a few years ago and never recovered. I have felt that she blamed me ever since, but he fell in the middle of the night, not even she would have been there!
Todays little problem is,the other day I mentioned to my mum that I was having a bit of a problem with Joes other aunt, and she asked me if I'd spoken to my aunt. I said no, because she would tell me what I should be doing and how quick, and that I really wanted to make my own mind up about what to do, and that I was fed up with my aunt sulking if I didnt do what she thought I should.
I know my mum has told my aunt this, I'm sure of it because she isn't answering my calls now, I know she has caller display and I know she was in tonight when I called her.
I don't blame my mum for telling her, in fact I wouldn't tell my mum anything I didn't want my Aunt to know because I know they tell each other everything.
But, what do I do?
It's too late to call my mum tonight, I will tomorrow and I'll ask her if she's told my aunt what I said. I already know she'll say she has, and I know my aunt will have taken it 'the wrong way' as in I don't want to talk to her so she won't answer the phone.
My aunt knows I won't accept that. She's the one who stood by me and told me I had balls when I detatched from my brother and everyone else when the going was really tough!
I'm not sure what's going on here, family dynamics and all that, but I feel so alone right now.
I have friends but they don't understand how things are really.
It's the family who've been there who do, but just aren't 'there' right now.
I know Al anon could help me but work aren't prepared to give me every Wednesday off to make a 4 hour round trip for a one hour meeting right now!
I don't know if you even follow what I've posted, but I'm so fed up with family at the moment.
Me and the kids are ace and happy, but it seems other people aren't happy unless theres drama or conflict happening all the time.
My relationship with my mum as I was growing up was at best 'tolerable', I was and still am I suppose, a daddys girl.
Since my brother died we got closer and have had a good adult relationship for the last couple of years. (My brother was mummys boy in a good way, but there was no room for anyone else!)
I'm having problems at the moment with Joes other Aunt, my mum is Joes grandmother and I've been sharing things with her, and with her sister, my aunt, who is only ten years older than me and whom I've always got on with very well.
My aunt is having problems of her own so we've all been 'propping each other up' for a while. (Her so doesn't allow her to see her own grandkids)
That's just background as to where we're at.
My Aunt is great, but she's very opinionated and I'm discovering she's the biggest codependant I've ever known.
I said I was thinking of moving house a few weeks ago, next thing I know she has a sheaf of houses for me to look at.
I'm thinking of changing jobs, I mention it in conversation and I have a sheaf of job ads to match the house ads!
My Aunt used to look after my Grandad on a dialy basis, I realise now she did all the things he could have done himself and this is why she resented me when I 'took over' his care, my motto is 'if you can you do'. Unfortunately he fell when she was on holiday a few years ago and never recovered. I have felt that she blamed me ever since, but he fell in the middle of the night, not even she would have been there!
Todays little problem is,the other day I mentioned to my mum that I was having a bit of a problem with Joes other aunt, and she asked me if I'd spoken to my aunt. I said no, because she would tell me what I should be doing and how quick, and that I really wanted to make my own mind up about what to do, and that I was fed up with my aunt sulking if I didnt do what she thought I should.
I know my mum has told my aunt this, I'm sure of it because she isn't answering my calls now, I know she has caller display and I know she was in tonight when I called her.
I don't blame my mum for telling her, in fact I wouldn't tell my mum anything I didn't want my Aunt to know because I know they tell each other everything.
But, what do I do?
It's too late to call my mum tonight, I will tomorrow and I'll ask her if she's told my aunt what I said. I already know she'll say she has, and I know my aunt will have taken it 'the wrong way' as in I don't want to talk to her so she won't answer the phone.
My aunt knows I won't accept that. She's the one who stood by me and told me I had balls when I detatched from my brother and everyone else when the going was really tough!
I'm not sure what's going on here, family dynamics and all that, but I feel so alone right now.
I have friends but they don't understand how things are really.
It's the family who've been there who do, but just aren't 'there' right now.
I know Al anon could help me but work aren't prepared to give me every Wednesday off to make a 4 hour round trip for a one hour meeting right now!
I don't know if you even follow what I've posted, but I'm so fed up with family at the moment.
Me and the kids are ace and happy, but it seems other people aren't happy unless theres drama or conflict happening all the time.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Lucy, what do you need to do to take care of yourself, not your relationships with others, right now? Check back thru the list: are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? What do you need for yourself to fulfill your needs right now?
You know the best thing about family? (and sometimes the worst too?) You can leave things be and go take carezof yourself, and when you are done and ready to re-engage with them, they are STILL your family!! Just give her some time to cool off. Sometimes the best thing to do or say is nothing. (((hugs)))
You know the best thing about family? (and sometimes the worst too?) You can leave things be and go take carezof yourself, and when you are done and ready to re-engage with them, they are STILL your family!! Just give her some time to cool off. Sometimes the best thing to do or say is nothing. (((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
We're all happy Learn2Live, me and the kids are getting in the Christmas swing, it's snowing and things are fine.
I just want to leave everyone else to the drama and conflict, I don't need it and don't want it.
If it means not sharing my problems with them I guess I'll just come and post here more
I just want to leave everyone else to the drama and conflict, I don't need it and don't want it.
If it means not sharing my problems with them I guess I'll just come and post here more
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think we have the exact same aunt.
I'm watching your thread :nod: I mostly do just as you said - refrain from sharing my problems/concerns. This is hard at times because we really are quite close. That often times is not enough because if my aunt loves anything it is a good lecture/sermon/oration of all her vast knowledge about my kids, parenting, ex, how I think and feel, what my kids are thinking and feeling ..... but I try to walk away or just not engage at those times.
I'm watching your thread :nod: I mostly do just as you said - refrain from sharing my problems/concerns. This is hard at times because we really are quite close. That often times is not enough because if my aunt loves anything it is a good lecture/sermon/oration of all her vast knowledge about my kids, parenting, ex, how I think and feel, what my kids are thinking and feeling ..... but I try to walk away or just not engage at those times.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.
The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.
If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable - each segment distinct.
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*************** *********
The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.
If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable - each segment distinct.
******************************
*************** *********
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
You've got the right idea. Let go Girl. Leave them to their drama.
It sounds like you might not be looking for feedback, even, just processing and recognizing your patterns and noting your family dynamics which in my book are fantastic ways of healing your soul. Observing, honestly.
This family stuff, though. Oye! It's a great spiritual barometer. Wanna know how you're really doing? A visit with the family will flush that **** right out for ya!
It sounds like you might not be looking for feedback, even, just processing and recognizing your patterns and noting your family dynamics which in my book are fantastic ways of healing your soul. Observing, honestly.
This family stuff, though. Oye! It's a great spiritual barometer. Wanna know how you're really doing? A visit with the family will flush that **** right out for ya!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
As sad as it can be, you can only step back and let some of her hurt subside.
When we call an addict out on their behavior directly or indirectly, there's a push back, right? Well codependents are the same way.
I say this from dealing with my mom (my codependent mentor), but above all I say this from my own behavior. If I had a dollar for every hour I spent building a wall of silence against those who I felt didn't take my well-intentioned advice, didn't accept my wealth of knowledge and guidance, didn't listen when I told them how they should do this or that to avoid the inevitable failure, well I would be on rich little girlie!!
Trust your instincts and accept your mum surely told your aunt and the icy chill you feel from your aunt now is her way of letting you rot in your own misguided misery. This is the time in which a codependent believes the ungrateful soul should be sitting and thinking about just what they've done wrong. Until that has happened, she's not going to be open to communication from you most likely and even then, an apology is all that will do for her. She will come around in time, I think. Codies need their drug of choice as well and at least in part for her that's you.
You are up against an active codie not open to being called on it. We can be formidable opponents indeed!
Alice
When we call an addict out on their behavior directly or indirectly, there's a push back, right? Well codependents are the same way.
I say this from dealing with my mom (my codependent mentor), but above all I say this from my own behavior. If I had a dollar for every hour I spent building a wall of silence against those who I felt didn't take my well-intentioned advice, didn't accept my wealth of knowledge and guidance, didn't listen when I told them how they should do this or that to avoid the inevitable failure, well I would be on rich little girlie!!
Trust your instincts and accept your mum surely told your aunt and the icy chill you feel from your aunt now is her way of letting you rot in your own misguided misery. This is the time in which a codependent believes the ungrateful soul should be sitting and thinking about just what they've done wrong. Until that has happened, she's not going to be open to communication from you most likely and even then, an apology is all that will do for her. She will come around in time, I think. Codies need their drug of choice as well and at least in part for her that's you.
You are up against an active codie not open to being called on it. We can be formidable opponents indeed!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I really hate that, when you share with someone, let them know what problems you're stewing over in your head and then they take over and try and solve them all for you. There's a difference between wanting someone to listen and tell you what to do, especially if they get pissed off cos you won't do what they say...
My A used to do it regularly, ask me what was up, I'd tell him, he'd tell me what action to take and then if I disagreed with what he said I would be called stupid or he would shake his head and say in a very patronising manner "you do it your way then, waste your time and then you'll realise you should have done it my way all along", with that face...that "Ian Beale" smarmy face...urgh.
If I were you I'd prolly just do as you say, confide a little less or say quite firmly but politely to the aunt that you don't want someone to solve things for you, just to be there to listen and support your choices.
My A used to do it regularly, ask me what was up, I'd tell him, he'd tell me what action to take and then if I disagreed with what he said I would be called stupid or he would shake his head and say in a very patronising manner "you do it your way then, waste your time and then you'll realise you should have done it my way all along", with that face...that "Ian Beale" smarmy face...urgh.
If I were you I'd prolly just do as you say, confide a little less or say quite firmly but politely to the aunt that you don't want someone to solve things for you, just to be there to listen and support your choices.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by transformyself 
You've got the right idea. Let go Girl. Leave them to their drama.
It sounds like you might not be looking for feedback, even, just processing and recognizing your patterns and noting your family dynamics which in my book are fantastic ways of healing your soul. Observing, honestly.
This family stuff, though. Oye! It's a great spiritual barometer. Wanna know how you're really doing? A visit with the family will flush that **** right out for ya!
It sounds like you might not be looking for feedback, even, just processing and recognizing your patterns and noting your family dynamics which in my book are fantastic ways of healing your soul. Observing, honestly.
This family stuff, though. Oye! It's a great spiritual barometer. Wanna know how you're really doing? A visit with the family will flush that **** right out for ya!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I hear a little bit of "codie" coming out in you, Lucy. You seem very concerned that you've upset your aunt, but still, you knew she would "hear" about your feelings through your mother. I think it's a good thing that your aunt knows why you aren't talking about the Joe/other aunt thing with her because you don't need her to go overboard on you about it. But still, you feel bad that she might be upset by it. That's the problem with us codies -- we will let ourselves get upset before we would ever upset others!
I think it's healthy and a step forward for you that you felt comfortable enough to let your aunt know "via" your mom that she is sometimes too high stress for you. And I think she will get over her hurt in time, so I'd let any more worry about this go. Enjoy the upcoming weekend with the boys, and let codie-aunt deal with her own mood swing by herself or with your mom - LOL!
You don't have to partake in any of this, sister. JUST let it go for today, and put YOURSELF first for a night....or a night and day....or even a whole weekend! Family will still be there next week. Trust me
I think it's healthy and a step forward for you that you felt comfortable enough to let your aunt know "via" your mom that she is sometimes too high stress for you. And I think she will get over her hurt in time, so I'd let any more worry about this go. Enjoy the upcoming weekend with the boys, and let codie-aunt deal with her own mood swing by herself or with your mom - LOL!
You don't have to partake in any of this, sister. JUST let it go for today, and put YOURSELF first for a night....or a night and day....or even a whole weekend! Family will still be there next week. Trust me
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I think I was more annoyed with myself for telling my mum rather than telling my aunt directly, than worried that I'd upset her.
I have no worries these days about upsetting people with what I say, I'm not a mean person and I don't say things nastily, so if it upsets someone then that's their problem.
But, on the other hand, I'm also not so rock solid hard that I'm not aware of other peoples feelings.
As it happens my mum didn't say anything to her, my aunt phoned me last night and said she hadn't been answering the phone to anyone all week because she'd been feeling down. (I didn't respond to that, I told her a joke insted, I don't want to be brought down right now!)
I have no worries these days about upsetting people with what I say, I'm not a mean person and I don't say things nastily, so if it upsets someone then that's their problem.
But, on the other hand, I'm also not so rock solid hard that I'm not aware of other peoples feelings.
As it happens my mum didn't say anything to her, my aunt phoned me last night and said she hadn't been answering the phone to anyone all week because she'd been feeling down. (I didn't respond to that, I told her a joke insted, I don't want to be brought down right now!)
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by LucyA
As it happens my mum didn't say anything to her, my aunt phoned me last night and said she hadn't been answering the phone to anyone all week because she'd been feeling down. (I didn't respond to that, I told her a joke insted, I don't want to be brought down right now!)
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
it seems other people aren't happy unless theres drama or conflict happening all the time.
True that!
A big step in my freedom from codependence (which mind you, is brought out at its worst by alcoholics/addicts or other unconscious codies!) was to keep my cards close to my chest - meaning I knew I had to stop sharing certain details or events with people who it wold just turn into a drama or a codie-fest with - but I also had to take active steps to develop new things to share/ new ways of sharing with them.
I was in the habit of repeating behavior that came back to bite me. So not only did I have to stop telling my Mom stuff, but I had to find a new kind of relationship with her because, although she drives me looney sometimes, I do not hate her, I appreciate her life difficulties, and I'd like to have some kind of connection to her.
When I make changes: things change. Like I wouldn't dream of mentioning my plans to move or my dream plans for a job after I graduate to my mom. She is like your Aunt and she would bombard me with "helpful" information until I was choking on it and filled with regret that I'd ever mentioned it. She would bring it up everytime we spoke after that and just keep rubbing it like a raw nerve! AAaaaaagh!
Peace-
B
True that!
A big step in my freedom from codependence (which mind you, is brought out at its worst by alcoholics/addicts or other unconscious codies!) was to keep my cards close to my chest - meaning I knew I had to stop sharing certain details or events with people who it wold just turn into a drama or a codie-fest with - but I also had to take active steps to develop new things to share/ new ways of sharing with them.
I was in the habit of repeating behavior that came back to bite me. So not only did I have to stop telling my Mom stuff, but I had to find a new kind of relationship with her because, although she drives me looney sometimes, I do not hate her, I appreciate her life difficulties, and I'd like to have some kind of connection to her.
When I make changes: things change. Like I wouldn't dream of mentioning my plans to move or my dream plans for a job after I graduate to my mom. She is like your Aunt and she would bombard me with "helpful" information until I was choking on it and filled with regret that I'd ever mentioned it. She would bring it up everytime we spoke after that and just keep rubbing it like a raw nerve! AAaaaaagh!
Peace-
B
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