Buffalo66

I am working on this. It is difficult. I feel like I am doing a bizarre balancing act.
A is learning a lot in his AA meetings.

I am experiencing miracles, and intermittently moving in and out of safety, and then I crash into insecurity, feel myself but up against the strong push to pre emptively strike.

I freak out, ocassionally. Or I just maybe nit pick, but he is being patient. He is consoling ME, reminding ME of my higher power, reminding ME of how gratitude works in life...
This from the cranky lushy cynic that I took sh*t from for years. It is difficult, and I can't help but wonder if the universe is giving me lessons through a teacher that I would have never expected, the teacher I would least likely ever have been able to hear anything from..because it was quacking and quacking and self-centric, and sometimes utter nonsense for so long.

He is healing. This shifts my matrix, my paradigm.

I have insecurity and doubt as to whether I am able to grow with him. What if I end up being the most F*cked up one of all!??
All of my work, adapting to such dysfunction is now part of a larger picture of US, and how we interact NOW.
I know this is a normal phase for people/couples in the recovery process.
I know I am probably up to the positive changes, I just have my days of fear, insecurity, and a healthy, stink eyed caution.

Thanks for reading.

Phoenixthebird

All marriages go through cycles which can repeat themselves over and over again. They usually start with the romantic stage where the partnership is seen as perfect. We carefully avoid looking at each others faults and we are intent on convincing ourselves that all is well. At some point reality hits and we begin to notice little things that niggle or irritate.

Usually at this point we become convinced that our partner needs to change. We try to sort the problems out or to change their behaviour. Not surprisingly we can encounter resistance or even animosity.

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For some couples this just causes them to withdraw from each other. They can’t find away through so they get on with their lives picking up the attitudes and behaviours they had when they were single. The way forward is to recognise that they are in the relationship together and for the longer term. Where possible they can sit down and talk about the problem and find a way to move forward and so the cycle begins again. Crucial to that stage of working through the problem is being willing to accept that neither of them are perfect, but they are willing to go on loving each other just he way they are. Healthy change usually comes because someone wants to change themselves. So if you find yourselves at any of these stages, don’t despair –see what you can do to move to the stage where your relationship is renewed – that’s the way to experience deep joy and contentment in your relationship.

Tip by Liz Percival

Learn2Live

I have wondered many times whether or not the actual reason I chose to partner with alcoholic and addicted men wasn't because they were obviously messed up so that in comparison I could feel good about myself (felt superior probably). Or maybe I chose seemingly desperate people who thought I was great so that I would always feel wanted by and important to them. Boy, if that were the case, it sure backfired on me, didn't it?

I've noticed lately that some people relate by building other people up, and some people relate by tearing other people down. I'm quite sure I have practiced both and can safely say I prefer to build people up. I know people who are always tearing others down, and it really hurts to be on the receiving end of that. I am who I am, flaws and all, and I am sorry if they hate me or hate the way that I do things.

I try not to compare myself to others. Ever. I know I have been ****** up, all on my own. I've tried to blame that part of myself on others but in the end, that just doesn't fly, gets me no where. If I am going to be happy with my life and who I am and my place in it, it is ALL up to me.

That was a great post, Buffalo66. Thanks for the share. Have you given Al-Anon a try? It really helped me to focus on ME and take responsibility for my own issues.

Buffalo66

I do go to alalon. not every week, but about twice/month

I was always the very bright, positive, functional person in my life up til around 6 years ago.

Years of this mess had brought me down to levels and behaviors that I cannot believe I took part in.
Now, it is just so tough to watch him soar above the fray, him looking down at me clutching onto my dysfunctional mechanisms for dear life,,, and there he is looking at me, kind of puzzled at how I ended up wayyyy downnnn there......

I want to scream sometimes, and today I did. then I cried , and cried....and cried.
He is puzzled, maybe annoyed. I don't care.

Its been a long road, and I don't just grow a magical trust microchip.
I am not sure what is going to gel, what is an act, what is a pink cloud, a phase.... I want to accept and love and trust with abandon, but that would be just DUMB.
So, I end up looking like a bit of a party pooper. Oh, well.. Im used to it.

LaTeeDa

There is so much wisdom in these words. Please try to be gentle with yourself. You're not a party pooper. You've taken life's lessons and gained a lot of wisdom the hard way, like many of us have. Caution is not a character defect.

L

Buffalo66

Thanks,LateeDa.
Im crying at this, because i needed to hear someone say this to me today.

today i feel character defected all over the place. I know deep down i am not too bad at all. Just scared and scarred. I will keep trying to love. Myself and him, while he is doing well and not hurting me.