TennesseeGirl86

This is my first time to post and I feel like it's time to venture out and talk to people in my situation. I thought for so long I can deal with this myself, but 8months later.........wow.......I need to talk more than ever. I live in Nashville and there isnt any NARANON meeting around here. Yes there is AL ANON and I've tried them, but I just dont relate. I need people my age that are going through this and all ive experienced is ladies in there 50's and 60's......No offenese at all. I just need girls my age to talk to. My boyfriend is a recovering addict. Novemeber 16, 2010 marked 8 months clean. Wow. Can't belive time has flown so by fast. O by the way Im 24 years old and he is 22. To make a lllloooooonggg story short we have been together for a year and 8 months. For 6 months of our relationship he was using without me knowing he was using pain pills. Im not going to say what all happened cause an addict is an addict.........they steal, cheat, and lie to get their way........Ive accepted that and moved on from his mistakes. He went to rehab for 30 days and been tremendously involved in NA since. We live together also. The one thing in life I want most is for him to be happy and alive. Im so proud of him. Im not going to lie though. SInce NA i've been on the backburner. Thats all he ever wants to talk about.........Thats all he wants to be involved in..........Well im not an addict......Ive sacrificed so much and changed my ways to help him out in his recovery. Where is my life? It may sound selfish and contradicting, but it seems to me he would much rather go to a meeting then hang out with me. Everytime we have a fight.........he leaves me and goes to either a half way house where his friends are or goes to a meeting instead of staying and talking it out with me........he is leaving for florida in 3 days to go to a NA sponsership retreat and where is he now.....At a convention that he was at alllll day yesterday. Until 1:30 this morning. Where is my time without NA? Is that selfish for me even to say that? I want him to be concerned about my life too...........Interested in the things I want........Im 24 and cant even go hang out with my friends with him because he cant be around alcohol.......my best friends boyfriend is in recovery and he does it.....We got in a huge fight today and he left........I just always feel like im fighting for love that I belive I deserve........Ive always been there for him.....through all of this and now that he has this new life am I not what he wants????????? I need someone to please just be honest with me. AM I being selfish?

Babyblue

Eight months is not a long time to be clean. He is still learning to 'walk' and NA is helping him. But it is about balance, and using the tools he has aquired in NA in his personal life is where he should be headed (and the ultimate goal). If everytime something challenging happens and the person has to dash off to AA or NA you can look at it as they haven't quite figured out a way to cope without it. At its worst it can be come a different addiction but still a better one than a toxic substance that can kill you.

You aren't being selfish, you are being honest. But you do have to look at it from his perspective and if that is what is helping stay sober then you need to find something for yourself during the times he needs to saturate himself with his NA stuff. For some al-anon or naranon helps them which is why you will find it recommended. True it isn't for everyone but the idea is that you focus on yourself. Again, 8 months isn't a long time out of active addiction so it makes total sense that he is really giving it a lot of attention. He is still pretty vulnerable and fragile. He may really need it right now. Hope this helps.

TennesseeGirl86

Thanks so much. Your right 8 months isnt along time........It just seems forever for me........I need to be more patient......I do find things to do while he is at NA stuff, but when is our time together? At the end of the day I just want to find time to spend together and get to know the new him....

tbeit

Hi TG86 Ok Im an addict in recovery early recovery is really hard on a relationship.If he was active for your whole relationship then DO you really know him? Was he high for the whole time? My opinion if you think this is it the real thing then maybe you should seek couples therapy.If not maybe you need to work on yourself and he on himself.Its hard to keep a unstable relationship in early recovery. Im sorry but your young and he's not stable sometimes if its too hard its time to move on.
P.S. maybe you should branch out and try different meetings I find different cities/towns can have dramatically different meetings GOOD LUCK

tbeit

Oh yea and to answer your question NO I dont think your being selfish just trying to figure out early recovery

TennesseeGirl86

To Teibit: He hasn't been active in pain pills our whole relationship. for about 5 months out of a year he was........the last half before he went to rehab.....When we met we were both serving tables at resturaunts.. yes we would drink a lot......but i started to slow down and he just kept moving on........then leading to drugs. He had already gone to rehab a year before we were together but i guess he just got right back into it after going back to drinking
ps sorry if i spelled your user name wrong

mamaangelique

my husband is actively relapsing after 14 months sober. One of the things he has brought up was that first I wanted him sober but then I complained that he spent too much time at meetings. I totally understand where you are coming from and I don't have any answers for you. Just know that I think this is common.

TennesseeGirl86

Thanks so much for your response. Sorry to hear he is relapsing. So thankful that isnt going on in my life. Maybe I should just let him be and figure out his own life before he tried to be with me

meditation

It's hard to take a back seat to this I understand I think you want him to be balanced. I am a recovering addict and I know people that live the recovery every minute of the day. It sounds like he's been a bit of a mess since the get go and either trying to recover or using or replacing with some other substance. Some people have to replace the substance with a tremendous amount of recovery sort of trading off obsessions. Not sure in his case since I don't know him. I think if you're unhappy with the situation then maybe it's time to move on because for some people recovery is a way of life, this could be the way he stays free of drugs forever. I don't know again about him as he's young in recovery. You can't change him, obviously in trying it's causing friction and fighting. So for you a boundary might be choosing between yourself or NA and I would not want to be having to do that to someone nor would i want to feel like the second choice either... maybe it's just time to move on.
True recovery though is an ongoing thing, it doesn't stop. To keep the demons at bay one really needs to stay connected to support groups as he's doing... so many stories are out there about people that stop treatment as in NA meetings and get complacent and then wind up with some crisis or uncomfortable feeling and go back out testing to see if they have control over drugs... and it starts up the cycle of using and bang a relapse. So he may have to do this forever to stay free. But it's your choice whether you want do this. Recovery doesn't stop once a person get free of drugs. I wish I could tell you differently, for myself though I go to a few meetings a week but mainly use SR as my recovery tool. I have much compassion for what you're dealing with and I don't really know what else to tell you.

Kindeyes

TG
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you're here. I hope you stick around and learn from other's experiences. As different as the stories are, they are also very much the same. There are a lot of young people on SR who will be able to share their stories.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with these issues. Addiction is selfish. And recovery sometimes has to be very selfish.

gentle hugs