escape artist

it has been several years now since i divorced the alcoholic/drug addict father of my children. the many fears i had for not breaking up the family have turned into other issues which still bug me. like how my children now will pity him and instead of having rational expectations of what dad does for them, they are accepting his sh** and telling him it is ok. they will scream at me to make sure i have hair conditioner and toothpaste, but they won't even take a shower at his place when they spend their one day a week they have to stay with him. he is supposed to pay for their medical bills. yet i am supposed to be the one to buy the glasses and he will pay me back in installments, and only pay for half of it. my kids expect me to be the one to pay for it. they don't see the imbalance other than their pity for him and how everything is my fault. yet if i speak in anger about it, they defend him.

So i feel that no matter how i tried to prevent his alcoholic crap to affect them, i am pretty sure it will-just like me they will be doormats for some creep who will use them and give them all kinds of excuses and they will say it is "ok". I have really tried to be a good example for them, and not be a doormat anymore, but by protecting them from knowing how deep his sickness is, they are not seeing the reality of his behaviors and what is not acceptable. my oldest says, he just drinks sometimes....omg. then i told her we split because he was doing cocaine, with his sister. I felt really bad, like i am damaging her with the truth, yet I felt she was old enough to hear it (16) so she would not be trying to rationalize his behavior as ok.-and also to explain why i forbade my children from being with his family or friends.

i stayed in this area for the sake of love-so that i wouldnt take my kids' love for their father away. but i am now thinking i probably should have done it anyway.

transformyself

Oh goodness do I feel your pain. Wish I had wise words, but am not in the best place right now either.

I know that without hope all is lost. Maybe the first step is find solace in something, just to jump start that "I can do this," sort of mentality again?

Sending you hugs

brokenheartfool

Your kids feel safe enough with you to complain about the little things like conditioner. They not only don't feel safe enough to complain about the little things around dad, they know better than to even bother.
Remember that next time they complain to you. You are the chosen one to receive such complaints, aren't you lucky...yes you are, because with dad it isn't safe enough to even go there.

As for glasses bills, I am pretty sure that you can find out a rough estimate of the cost beforehand. Call ahead, maybe lenses at that place are $200, maybe frames in whatever ballpark.
You might just ask for the money up front so that you won't have to battle later to get control back there. He can even make out the check to the glasses company if he's controlling or nontrusting, and you can take that check with you when they go.

Freedom1990

I feel your pain.

My youngest daughter, now 22, is well aware of which parent has been there for her through the worst of times, and it wasn't her dad.

I was the brunt of her anger and pain for a long time because her dad couldn't be bothered with being an active parent.

We're talking a guy who's been in AA and sober over 33 years now.

He wasn't there for his first set of kids when he was drinking, and that didn't change after he sobered up and we had a relationship.

He was 13 years sober when I got pregnant. He didn't even know if it was a boy or girl, the name, nothing until we went through the paternity testing. Yes, he denied paternity. I had a hard time picking my jaw up on that one.

The best I can do for anyone in my life, including my daughters, is to work my own program of recovery, even on those days life is a crap sandwich.

I know you are frustrated. I know you feel alone in this. I know you feel unappreciated as heck by your kids.

You are not alone. You will get through this, I promise.

Be good to yourself, okay?

FormerDoormat

You did the best you could do at the time with the tools you had on hand. When you knew how to do better, you did. Don't beat yourself up with woulda's, shoulda's, and coulda's.

When I was a child (and often times as an adult), I used to say, "that's OK" when it seriously wasn't. What I really meant to say was "that's NOT OK, but I accept the situation for what it is" or "that's NOT OK, but I still love you."

With all his shortcomings, he is still their father and they either still love him on some level or desperately want him to love them. I find that sad. In time, when they're ready, they will sort out their feelings and come to know the truth, just as you did.

TakingCharge999

Are you or your kids going to therapy? I have been a doormat for 28 years and am learning I learned it from my sister, my mom and my dad also, and my grandmoms. We are all $%$#&$# MARTYRS. BUT that does not mean I am doomed. I can remove those learned patterns and find who I truly am. Find real joy. But this takes hard work guided by a pro.

They need ways to deal with their anger as IMHO it is not OK for kids to scream at their moms. Is there any Alateen in your area?

Hugs and remember they are growing up and slowly realizing how sad things are like in the world. And they will also realize why you did what you did, it takes a brave woman so I applaud you for that.

Jadmack25

Perhaps, when you need his share for the childrens needs, you could tell him what his share is, and also let the kids know that you have YOUR share saved, but cannot afford to pay for everything. If they know you have come up to the plate, they will see his actions as they play out....he either pays up or he makes excuses for not doing so. In the latter case, your kids will see for themselves who is doing what, and no matter what he says, they will know the truth.

This may also help with explaining that you do not accept disrespect or demands from your children. You are doing your best, and if it isn't good enough for them, would they prefer to go live with dear daddy. I can guess the answer to that.

Learn2Live

Wow. Are you really this powerful?

escape artist

yes. in the fact that if I moved a thousand miles away and they wouldn't ever see him, cause I know he would say he couldn't afford to come see them, and i sure wouldn't allow them to go see him. I have full custody. and i still plan to move out of the state, but for now we are here for their sakes-for them to be able to have somewhat of a relationship with him

lillamy

You can't live your children's lives for them, or make their decisions for them. I have one who has broken off contact with his father, one who reluctantly goes to her house "because she has to" and one who needs to go to her father's house "because he gets very lonely without us."

You've got your path to travel, they've got theirs. Regardless of how your marriage turns out, or whether you're married to an addict or not, you can't expect gratitude from your children, ever. You do what you do to the best of your ability, that's all. And the fact that they love their [insert insult here] father as well? Doesn't minimize the love they feel for you.

You get the brunt of it because they feel safe with you. You get the brunt of it because they are sure of your love, always. It sucks to be that parent, but in the long run, that's still the parent you want to be. Not the one they feel they have to look out for and take care of.

Be good to yourself. Revenge hurts you more than it hurts him. And it mostly hurts the kids.

escape artist

lillamy thanks for making me laugh. I see what you're saying. I may have been deluded then in thinking I would be able to teach gratitude since it is one principle i have tried to use to turn my life around.....

i have thought much about this since the day it happened, and i guess the best i can hope for is that when my kids are out there without me, that they exemplify healthy behaviors from not being mired in the insanity so much anymore and esp. not seeing the drunken/high behaviors anymore. I am quite aware that as the codependent that I promoted much of it. My fear is when this kind of anger and resentment bubbles up, that it is much the same insanity they had to suffer with before.

but thanks to all who shared their words of wisdom and support. my daughter asked about the whether she had to wait til her dad came up with the rest of the money and i used the explanation suggested about how we have to budget for such expenses most times like this, but we will get them as soon as i can afford it.

Learn2Live

I find that I have to use the serenity prayer on an almost daily basis. It sounds like you are making personal sacrifice and have an idea of what kind of relationship you would like them to have with their dad but they are not cooperating? They may not be old enough yet to appreciate what you are doing to the degree, or in the ways, you would expect. I can say that through my teens I mostly just tried to ignore or stay away from my dad, and then through my twenties I felt horribly sorry for him. It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I really started to become at peace with his alcoholism and the way we were raised.

Being the child of an alcoholic parent is a tough way to live. I saw very clearly the sacrifices my mother made but I did not truly develop gratitude for anything in my life until just the past few years, and I am in my forties. I do what I can now to make my mother's life easier, but I know that doesn't change the past.

LaTeeDa

Much of the time, I notice that my children "expect" certain things from me that they do not "expect" from their father. Attending school activities, purchasing items they need, like school clothes and toiletries, helping them with homework, generally meeting their basic needs. And although I am proud to be the parent they can depend on, it gets to me that they don't have any expectations for their father.

But, when I consider it more, I realize that not only did I teach them this, it's also very sad for him and them to live that kind of relationship. So, now that I am able, I sometimes gently point out the double standard to them. I try to keep it very factual and unemotional, and just shed light on the dichotomy of it. Usually, it is a bit of a surprise to them when they realize they are "letting him off the hook" of being a parent. It's something that comes natural to them after so many years of him abdicating responsibility. I do not do this to get revenge on him, but to bring their behavior out in the light.

Do they sometimes change their view of the situation? Yes. Do they sometimes just accept that he will never be an equal coparent? Yes. Either way, I hope I am showing them something that will help them later in life. The one thing I wish most for my children is that they do not repeat the alcoholic/codependent pattern in their lives.

L

escape artist

LaTeeDa, your post really gets to the heart of my problem, because that is exactly what i see, and that is also where i fail miserably conveying this to them. i am ashamed for some things i have told them. i have told them they need to be able to stand on their feet and support themselves so they don't get taken advantage of, because they DO let him off the hook, and my greatest fear is that is the kind of relationship they will default into, and then i tell them it is NOT ok, and one day they will realize this and say it too. this is so painful and i fear i am damaging them more when this comes out... not that i want revenge, i want awareness so they can learn to be able to not get sucked into something like that. no i can't live their life, and yes i am pretty sure they will at least not succumb to drugs/alcohol to cope with living, but i don't want them patterning their relationships based on their alcoholic father. it is hard to teach them how to not be codependent when i am not there to kick his deadbeat a** for them, when he is pulling his insidious crap on them.

LaTeeDa

I think it is enough just to shine a light on it. Realize that the children are in a very tough situation--on the one hand, they love their father, on the other, he is not role modeling what a father should. It must be very difficult for them to come to terms with those opposing forces.

The best way to teach children not to be codependent, is to not be codependent. Trying to control them and their relationship with their father is codependent. I have no idea if the way I am going about this is "right" or not. I only try to point out (gently and non-judgmentally) unhealthy behavior. But mostly, I just continue to try and role model healthy behavior for them. What they do with that is entirely up to them.

L