lillamy

He's been sober for a few months now, but that didn't impact my decision to go ahead with the divorce. Too much damage already done that can't be undone.

I wasn't sure how to feel about the first holiday without him. I was convinced that I would feel exhilarated to get to celebrate a normal holiday -- you know, like other people define "normal" and not the normal I've lived with, where (now X)AH passed out before 7 pm and I was stuck trying to smile and be thankful while dying inside because the kids would learn this as their normal.

But I wasn't exhilarated. Or even particularly happy. I enjoyed cooking with the kids. But part of me was thinking about how miserable XAH must be. If I had known the timing of the divorce (I kept thinking) I would have made sure the kids were with him for Thanksgiving. The divorce came just before Thanksgiving. We had already planned that the kids were going to be with me. And then it struck me how twisted that thinking was -- that rather than enjoy the fact that my children get to experience their first Thanksgiving without a passed out snoring drunk parent, I worry about him. To the point where I would rather send my children to his house so that they can soothe him when he's sad. Why would I want to do that to them? Why can't I firmly accept the fact that he is an adult, he's responsible for himself, and neither I nor the children are on this earth to pander to him and make him feel better?

We had dinner with friends and it was a nice crowd of people, wine for those who wanted (but several people who stated "we don't drink"), a wonderful evening, but of course one person who got drunk. I wanted to beat her. All of a sudden, I saw it from the outside: Saw how her family was embarrassed by her, felt the acute pain of her husband and her teenage son who were trying to convince her to go home before she made a bigger fool of herself. And in them, I saw myself.

And I think that's one reason why, while I'm extremely thankful to be out of an alcoholic marriage, I have a hard time feeling like I want to jump for joy. In the process, I've discovered quite how many people are in the situation I was in. Everyone -- absolutely everyone -- I have been open with has replied with a variety on the statement, "I grew up with an alcoholic [insert older relative of choice here]" or "My [insert younger relative of choice here] is an alcoholic"...

So I guess now that I don't have my XAH to be responsible for anymore, I'm taking on the rest of the world, eh?

But the sun is rising on a Friday that's anything but black. And step by step, I will continue working on my recovery. Clearly, I've got some work to do there.

nodaybut2day

Be gentle with yourself...it was the first Thanksgiving *right after* the divorce. It's bound to take some time to remember that you don't have to focus all your energy on your XAH.

Learn2Live

I have found that since getting sober, simplifying my life, and mostly eliminating unhealthy people from my days, life itself seems pretty boring, hum-drum. I think for me the "boring" or "unexhilarating" feeling is so strong because of what I am so accustomed to. We were talking about this on another thread recently, about what is your "normal." My normal was hell and now that I no longer live in hell, it seems boring and uneventful. If I let it, it might even make me depressed. But I realize that this "boring" is really just a lack of chaos, sickness and drama. This is truly peace and serenity.

lillamy

Thank you. I'm thoroughly looking forward to a normal, uneventful rest of my life. Excitement is really way overrated.

naive

i think that you made a few very important insights during your thanksgiving. you noted the codie behavior, felt the pull, but did not act on it. that's great!

coyote21

Amen.

Man, I was that husband with the drunk wife for a lot of years. This is our, LMC (Little Miss Coyote) and me, 5th holiday season OUT, no way I'll EVER miss it.

My axw went to rehab, IOP, AA, she's had opportunity after opportunity placed in front of her. She's very sick, and still drinking and still lying about it.

Do I feel bad/sad for her? Nope. I feel bad/sad for our 9yo daughter. This will impact her the rest of her life.

Never second guess if you did the right thing for you and your kids. Trust me, you did.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Freedom1990

Yes, yes it is overrated!

I think that was one of of the biggest readjustments in active recovery for me, life actually got quiet, and, well, un-exciting.

lillamy

A coworker who got out about a year ago said she had recently heard a radio show on NPR on some study on women who have initiated divorces, and it said that over 90% of them still 10 years after the divorce asked themselves, "Did I do the right thing? Could I have done more?"

We agreed that those 90% must not have gone to Al-Anon, or else, they weren't married to addicts.

Because of all the questions I'm asking myself, that's one that hasn't even started to begin to think of occurring to me. Even the kids say, "we can't believe you didn't leave earlier."

Freedom1990

I definitely vote that they didn't do Alanon, or weren't married to addicts!

Be good to yourself, and enjoy your weekend.