Letting Go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
Letting Go
Thanks for your concern. I guess all I can tell you is that this summer you would probably say HE had the obsessive thing going on-hundreds of e-mails, phone calls,e-cards, etc. I think THAT is why it is hard to let go because I came to know him to be like that so it hurts extra much to be ignored now. I definitely got into the pattern of lots of attention from him and giving him lots of attention too. So it hurts that that is all gone in addition to being blamed for his drinking when if anything, I have tried to be as supportive and tolerant as I can about his recovery. I have thought about him way more than I would like to. I haven't done that in other relationships at all. The possibility of moving to Dallas for a job knowing the only person I know there is avoiding me hurts too.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Boo
You're going to continue to hurt until you do something positive to stop the pain.
You have been given support and some wonderful suggestions that you seem to choose to ignore.
Let go, Boo. Just call it a day on this relationship and focus on anything else that is positive, and begin your recovery. You are now living in a fantasy, and when reality strikes it hurts.
Only you can stop the pain. Let go.
Hugs
Ann
You're going to continue to hurt until you do something positive to stop the pain.
You have been given support and some wonderful suggestions that you seem to choose to ignore.
Let go, Boo. Just call it a day on this relationship and focus on anything else that is positive, and begin your recovery. You are now living in a fantasy, and when reality strikes it hurts.
Only you can stop the pain. Let go.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
Boo...take the focus off what he did,and what he is doing.You can't alter or change that in the least.Take a good hard look at what you are doing.I think Letting Go may be on to something.Please listen to what everyone here has been telling you.We care,or we wouldn't bother to respond.
phoenix
phoenix
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
Boo,
Sounds to me like he showed you all kinds of obsessive attention in the beginning and you latched on. Now he is getting sober and making choices with an ever clearing mind. You know when two people meet under the light of the party it can be bliss. It FEELS like you have met the ONE... but then morning rolls around everyone sobers up and its just plain old sunlight , things just look different. I got into a relationship ( a big one ) under the lights of the party too..... I sobered up and realized that as a sober person I did not have anything in common with this guy and I did not want to be with him. He didn't do anything wrong, neither have you. He didn't cause my drinking, nor did you cause this guy to drink. The fact of the matter is that I changed when I got sober and he just did not appeal to me on any level as a sober person.
In asking for advice on the boards that is exactly what you will get. What you chose to do with it is up to you. I have yet to see anyone come on and tell you to continue to hang onto this fantasy of a relationship, there is a reason for that. Maybe consider the idea that others standing on the outside can see some things that you are not seeing. It is evident in your posts that you want someone to validate you persuing this guy and I just dont think youre going to get that. It is not healthy for you. Right now as he is getting sober he has nothing to offer you anyways. Early in sobriety he needs to be selfish and take care of himself. You could stand to start working on your own codependent tendencies in my opinion.
I am diagnosing you with "He's disease". That is when we worry about "he's doing this, he's doing that, he is thinking this, he he he.... "
Put yourself first. If this were someone your daughter were dating would you tell her to coninue on the way you are? Food for thought
Sounds to me like he showed you all kinds of obsessive attention in the beginning and you latched on. Now he is getting sober and making choices with an ever clearing mind. You know when two people meet under the light of the party it can be bliss. It FEELS like you have met the ONE... but then morning rolls around everyone sobers up and its just plain old sunlight , things just look different. I got into a relationship ( a big one ) under the lights of the party too..... I sobered up and realized that as a sober person I did not have anything in common with this guy and I did not want to be with him. He didn't do anything wrong, neither have you. He didn't cause my drinking, nor did you cause this guy to drink. The fact of the matter is that I changed when I got sober and he just did not appeal to me on any level as a sober person.
In asking for advice on the boards that is exactly what you will get. What you chose to do with it is up to you. I have yet to see anyone come on and tell you to continue to hang onto this fantasy of a relationship, there is a reason for that. Maybe consider the idea that others standing on the outside can see some things that you are not seeing. It is evident in your posts that you want someone to validate you persuing this guy and I just dont think youre going to get that. It is not healthy for you. Right now as he is getting sober he has nothing to offer you anyways. Early in sobriety he needs to be selfish and take care of himself. You could stand to start working on your own codependent tendencies in my opinion.
I am diagnosing you with "He's disease". That is when we worry about "he's doing this, he's doing that, he is thinking this, he he he.... "
Put yourself first. If this were someone your daughter were dating would you tell her to coninue on the way you are? Food for thought
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
Letting Go, yes, you are right-except his clearing mind part- he is still actively drinking-had 3 weeks sober in sept and he told me that was the longest period of sobriety he has had in the 3 years of his drinking. I am not looking for anyone here to say "go for him". I came here to get some input on what has been happening, to see if other people have the same experiences (like is it alcoholism or character kind of thing), and some support because I am feeling really sad. When I came here at first, I was shocked to learn he is an A-I didn't know! I'm realizing I have never spent any time with him being sober for at least 24 hours...except telephone time that I can't judge one way or the other. We've had similar experiences in terms of background and growing up and how we view people and situations and we are attracted to each other. It was somewhere to start, you know?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Boo -
How about re-reading your posts and pretend that they have been written by someone else. What suggestions or advice would you give to that person? Something to think about!
I hope, for your sake. that you can let go of your romantic idea of this man and start living your own life. You'll sure be alot happier.
Jo
How about re-reading your posts and pretend that they have been written by someone else. What suggestions or advice would you give to that person? Something to think about!
I hope, for your sake. that you can let go of your romantic idea of this man and start living your own life. You'll sure be alot happier.
Jo
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