oln

Tonight i feel so sad, today my ex alcoholic partner came round to see the children, they are little and only see him with me. He left 9 months ago after being sober for 9 years, he is drinking again but says it is no longer a problem to him, today we spent a nice day together as a family and i cooked tea for all of us. After he left he sent me a text saying thankyou for helping him, i have allowed him to store some stuff with me as he is staying with his mum at the moment in a small flat. After 9 months i have got use to him leaving so why these feelings? Sorry and thankyou for listening

johndelko408

Sounds like you may still have feelings for him. Am I wrong? You said he left 9 months ago, was that a mutual decision or did he decide to leave? I can understand though, of course it will make you sad to know the father of your kids (or is he the father, you just said children) is drinking again. Many alcoholics are fooled into believing that when they have such a long time sober that they will be able to drink normally again. The truth is that they may in fact be able to drink normally for a while, but eventually they recede back into alcoholic drinking. I'm sure that there are very few cases of people out there that have successfully done this. But I've never heard of any.

oln

He is their father, i was with him for 15 years. It was his choice to leave, he left with the money from our oldests piggy bank and went straight to the pub. Why do i feel like this, i need to remember what it was like being with him when he drank but i cant. Many thanks for listening

keepinon

The disease is baffling and cunning..don't believe for a second it is gone..sounds like he may well be a lovely man who happens to be an active alcoholic.That would make it very hard to be with him, and also not good for your children.Hang in there..you are just having a "what if " moment. Do you go to alanon?it helps me alot.

johndelko408

It's very understandable that you feel this, especially being that you were together for 15 years. he's the father of your kids so you have that common bond. some of the choices that we alcoholics make are far from rational normal people wouldn't make these kind of decisions. Like throwing away a 15 year relationship for alcohol. Hang in there, you still have your kids, and I'm sure things will work out for you.

HealingWillCome

Hi oln. I don't know the answer to your question, but I know how hard those feelings are. We still love our alcoholics and addicts. We mourn what could have been, especially when we have children with them. We see the good in them and feel cheated because alcohol changes who they are and robs us of the spouse and parent they could have been.

I'm sorry to hear he is drinking again. How is your support network? Do you go to Al-Anon? I hope you're taking care of yourself and that you're able to put your focus on you and your children. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I know it's hard to go no contact with someone when you have children together, but I hope you can limit your interaction with him to whatever bare minimum is necessary.

Can you find something fun and lighthearted to put your focus on right now?

Hugs to you.

Freedom1990

Oln, I am so sorry for your pain and sadness. Alcoholism is an ugly disease. I've been sober long enough now to see the revolving door. Many do go back out, and it is sad.

I've lost many friends through the years when they chose to drink again.

Sending you lots of warm hugs on the Kansas breezes.

chicory

Oh my gosh- my father left(mother insisted) us when i was about 12, and i remember my mother saying that our dad was asking if we could give him the money in our piggy banks, for he was leaving , and had no money. i remember we all ran to get our money to give our daddy. we loved him and would have done anything for him. i am sure it probably went for drink. i never saw him after that. he moved south, and recovered, and died early with a heart attack. we did speak on the phone. my mom had gone through enough that she did not even consider trying again. it was awful for her.

I am glad that your children get to see their dad. i hope that he can recover.
just turn it over to your HP, and take a deep breath, and deal with it a day at a time. It is easy to forget the hurt, when you care for someone.
time will tell how things should be.

hugs,
chicory

Thumper

I was also with my xah for 15 years, we also have children, and now that things have calmed down a little bit there are also moments like you describe when I am blindsided by the sadness and almost a longing.

I've looked at it and isn't a longing for the man. I lived with that man and still remember what it was. That I do not want. It is a sadness and a longing for what kept me 'stuck' for so many years. The longing for the fantasy in my head. The dream of what I thought my family would be. I can't have that no matter how desperately I want it. I have closed the door on that fantasy/dream and live in reality now. Those snapshots in time are like knocks on that door though, and it is hard.

oln

Thankyou everyone, you talk so much sense and even though reading it makes me cry i know it is all true, i cant have what i want just because i long for it enough. I have had counselling for the last 4 months and just wish i could move on with my life and not spend my life wanting a person who i guess doesnt exist. Thankyou again