Omega060610

Hi,

Can I unburden myself a bit, please? And if you have experiences in this area then I would love to hear about them.

A very brief background: I have one older brother who has also had drinking problems. Our parents were quite unloving. My brother tried to be Mr. Perfect to get love. I tried to be Mr. Nice and never express any anger.

Since becoming sober, I have tried to reclaim as much of my life as possible, but I am also very conscious of my limitations. Perhaps they are all in my mind at this point, but that is another topic. Anyway, I tried to make Christmas arrangements with my brother, but what was supposed to be a quick 1-day trip would have to last 4 due to public transport, which is more than I felt I had in me for that emotionally sensitive time of year. So I explained and cancelled.

To ensure he understood it wasn't about him, I tried to be very open about what is going on with me. Yesterday I got a very passive aggressive email that repeatedly said I needed professional help. And the big "A" word was used. Am I an alcoholic? People have different definitions and I would certianly fit some of those. But I am the one with almost 5.5 months of sobriety. Last time I heard my brother talking about controlling his drinking he was so pleased with not having drunk anything for three days -- he promptly proceeded with ordering a glass of wine at that lunch. He can call it poison himself but balks at any hint of negativity expressed by me about alcohol.

I know I am not perfect and I get that other people can't really understand what people like us in this forum go through. But I must say I find it really difficult to remain "nice" and understanding. Perhaps it was a mistake, but I (as nicely as I could muster) replied that I had never asked or needed his help and that negativity was the last thing I needed. I then listed some of the recent good things in my life.

I think there are two different things going on:

1. As part of my recovery, I need to learn to express myself -- even if that is with anger. It has to be done constructively but the Mr. Nice role has been killing me and alcohol was a main safety valve for me.
2. My change in behaviour is being interpreted as a threat for some reason. I am not sure if it is just because I am changing. Or because he is in therapy and he feels some sort of need for me to also needing "professional help". After all, how can he remain the "perfect son" otherwise?

How have people around you responded to you developing a more healthy set of behaviours?

Have people (unconsciously) resented that you took some pretty dramatic steps to improve your mental health?


Thank you!

Dee74

Hi Omega060610

My bother and I aren't close - he's a drinker but there's no issue there.

I had one guy tho who'd0 I'd been friends with for a long time, and who I spent a lot of time with the last few years of my drinking.

He took it as some kind of personal affront when I got sober.

I could see that maybe he resented losing an on call drinking partner. I could see that maybe he felt threatened and challenged by my behaviour because it made him think about his drinking...

But if the only way to fix things was to revert to my former role? That was not an option.

I tried explaining - but he got defensive, or angry, or accusatory towards me every time. My friend did not want to accept what I had come to see as my reality, and that was his choice - but the end result was we ended up moving out of each other lives.

I know my choice was the right one for me.

Some people will never be able to understand that, for whatever reason.

I felt then and I feel now I can't be held accountable for that lack of understanding or any negative feelings that he may still have.

I saved my life - and I found a meaningful way to live that makes me really, genuinely happy.
I refuse to apologise for that.

D

least

I can only say to work on yourself and not worry too much about your relationship with brother. He has his issues, you have yours. Take good care of yourself, do what you need to do to take good care of you, and let him figure out his own life and issues. Not to sound cold hearted, but he may be taking your cancelled trip as something other than what it really is to you. But he alone is responsible for his feelings and actions.

I know it's hard, but try to let go and just take good care of yourself. Keep the lines of communication open between the two of you, but never back down on your goals for your own good/sober life.


I love your signature line. It reminds me of the line at the end of the movie WAR GAMES where the computer says: "strange game. the only winning move is not to play" ....or words to that effect.

laurie6781

I had family and some 'close friends' show similar behavior. Now whether it was resentment that I was ACTIVELY trying to do something about my problem, or they felt they would not be able to 'manipulate' me if I was sober, or they lost a drinking buddy, or, or, or

What became very important to me was that I do WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME to continue to GROW and CHANGE.

That included ACCEPTING that what other people think of me, including family is NONE OF MY BUSINESS, what I and HP think of me IS!

Eventually the 'close' friends (drinking buddies) disappeared and some of my family did start to trust me (parents) and we had a fairly decent relationship until both of their deaths.

I also started to become aware in fairly early recovery (took at least the first year) that most of the folks I was getting to know in recovery (a lot from AA) also came from DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES. I didn't get sober to fix my family, I got sober to fix me.

I am sorry that your brother's response has upset you, but please know that I and I am sure many others here CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR 5.5 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,