focusing on yourself - who are you?
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
focusing on yourself - who are you?
Hi all,
We did a reflective activity in one of my classes the other day. We each got a cutout of a "blank paper person" and crayons and were told to draw or write down things we do/ have done (i.e. roles, paid/unpaid "jobs", leisure activities, etc.) that reflect who we are in life right now. In other words how does what you do shape who you are right now? It wasn't easy at first, but once I started writing, I started to think of different aspects of my life and realized that most of the things I do are things that are important and meaningful to ME.
After the activity, I thought back to how things were when I was still living with my AH and realized that during that time I had somehow lost part of my identity... my life really just revolved around him... everything I DID revolved around HIM. So back then I would have probably filled my "blank paper person" with words such as: wife, caretaker (of drunken husband), cleaning up after AH, trying to control AH's alcohol use, etc. (almost all of my "doing" (besides working, i.e. being an employee) revolved around AH) and my paper-self would have probably been black and gray. It really hit me, how much of myself got lost while living with AH - I didn't make time (or had the energy) to truly focus on myself.
Now I can fill my "blank paper person" with things that revolve around me, such as: doing yoga, dancing, being in school, being a friend, etc. and my life seems to be filled with a lot more meaningful activities and seems to be a lot more balanced. I think in a way I'm still somewhat searching to find myself again, but at least I'm now at a place where I'm actually doing it. The exercise helped me see that I'm doing more than I thought for myself and it showed me that I've made progress over the past months.
Just some thoughts I thought I'd share.
We did a reflective activity in one of my classes the other day. We each got a cutout of a "blank paper person" and crayons and were told to draw or write down things we do/ have done (i.e. roles, paid/unpaid "jobs", leisure activities, etc.) that reflect who we are in life right now. In other words how does what you do shape who you are right now? It wasn't easy at first, but once I started writing, I started to think of different aspects of my life and realized that most of the things I do are things that are important and meaningful to ME.
After the activity, I thought back to how things were when I was still living with my AH and realized that during that time I had somehow lost part of my identity... my life really just revolved around him... everything I DID revolved around HIM. So back then I would have probably filled my "blank paper person" with words such as: wife, caretaker (of drunken husband), cleaning up after AH, trying to control AH's alcohol use, etc. (almost all of my "doing" (besides working, i.e. being an employee) revolved around AH) and my paper-self would have probably been black and gray. It really hit me, how much of myself got lost while living with AH - I didn't make time (or had the energy) to truly focus on myself.
Now I can fill my "blank paper person" with things that revolve around me, such as: doing yoga, dancing, being in school, being a friend, etc. and my life seems to be filled with a lot more meaningful activities and seems to be a lot more balanced. I think in a way I'm still somewhat searching to find myself again, but at least I'm now at a place where I'm actually doing it. The exercise helped me see that I'm doing more than I thought for myself and it showed me that I've made progress over the past months.
Just some thoughts I thought I'd share.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Realizing how much we change is wonderful. Thanks for sharing this! I am also "getting myself back" or more like "finally paying attention to me and getting to know me" because I do not think I ever did that. Glad we are working on this together Lotus and I am also glad I am no longer living with anyone... not sure why I was afraid of that, I feel much better and at peace, and I get to watch E! entertainment for hours... 
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
When I was with exabf my whole being was related to him. His drugs, his alcohol, his moods, his threats, his abuse,his legal issues, his feelings, his health....and on and on.
I was gone, I no longer exsisted, I was nothing but a puppet on a string.
Then, I woke up, I was done...I now live by myself, I am soooo happy, soooo at peace. No man, no crap, no caretaking, just me and my pets.
I have refound me, and, I like me!
I was gone, I no longer exsisted, I was nothing but a puppet on a string.
Then, I woke up, I was done...I now live by myself, I am soooo happy, soooo at peace. No man, no crap, no caretaking, just me and my pets.
I have refound me, and, I like me!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Thank you, Lotus for sharing the exercise. I'm looking forward to filling in my blank-paper-person with non-STBXAH related stuff as I (re)discover them.
During a counseling session a couple weeks ago, my counselor asked me to explain what colors life with STBXAH was filled with. I closed my eyes and thought back - browns, greys, dark - literally like seeing everything through dark, poorly-made glass. She asked me to keep my eyes closed and look forward, what colors do I see my future like? Yellow, bright and sunny. Further reflection these past couple weeks filled in more colors: beautiful blues and greens, kind of like a warm spring day in a forest.
Actually, as I sit here and type this, the pictures of FormerDormat's home and images of DS's school (the rooms and hallways are painted in Lazure style with very soft progressions from one color to another) come to mind.
I'm amazed at the difference between how life was and how I feel about it now. I am so grateful for the change.
During a counseling session a couple weeks ago, my counselor asked me to explain what colors life with STBXAH was filled with. I closed my eyes and thought back - browns, greys, dark - literally like seeing everything through dark, poorly-made glass. She asked me to keep my eyes closed and look forward, what colors do I see my future like? Yellow, bright and sunny. Further reflection these past couple weeks filled in more colors: beautiful blues and greens, kind of like a warm spring day in a forest.
Actually, as I sit here and type this, the pictures of FormerDormat's home and images of DS's school (the rooms and hallways are painted in Lazure style with very soft progressions from one color to another) come to mind.
I'm amazed at the difference between how life was and how I feel about it now. I am so grateful for the change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
I used to only see RED...grrrrrrrr!
Now I see...white...like some purity, cleanliness.
The Red...he didn't cause it, he couldn't cure it. My anger was mine to own.
I finally figured out in my late 40's that anger doesn't solve anything.
Took me long enough.
Now I see...white...like some purity, cleanliness.
The Red...he didn't cause it, he couldn't cure it. My anger was mine to own.
I finally figured out in my late 40's that anger doesn't solve anything.
Took me long enough.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
"me" likes to play dress up and change costumes, trying different things on! LOL
I have gotten older chronologically but I lost 50+ years of an alcoholic hanging on me or tied to me so the inner me is younger and lighter.
Now ...I wish she would cut out eating all those sweets that makes those clothes not fit anymore!!!
I was humming the arabic part from the nutcracker yesterday and looking up real arabic exotic clothes yesterday! I think I am going to be able to take a cultural diversity clas too. That should be awesome! I am not up for any major traveling right now having just moved cross country. But with books and imagination and the internet...my mind gets around!
hahahahaha
have fun all..this is not a dress rehearsal!!!
I have gotten older chronologically but I lost 50+ years of an alcoholic hanging on me or tied to me so the inner me is younger and lighter.
Now ...I wish she would cut out eating all those sweets that makes those clothes not fit anymore!!!
I was humming the arabic part from the nutcracker yesterday and looking up real arabic exotic clothes yesterday! I think I am going to be able to take a cultural diversity clas too. That should be awesome! I am not up for any major traveling right now having just moved cross country. But with books and imagination and the internet...my mind gets around!
hahahahaha
have fun all..this is not a dress rehearsal!!!
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