What now?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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What now?
I haven't contacted my ABF for more than a week. Every day I get a few random text messages ("you alive?" or "grams says hello", etc) but not once has he called me. Just not really sure what to do now. We didn't really end the relationship, but the more I pulled back and starting taking care of myself, we don't talk or see each other.
Is there some point where I need to have a conversation with him? Ask if he has started some sort of recovery program? Or just assume he hasn't changed, is still drinking and keep ignoring the text messages? My feeling is if he was really worried about us or had changed he would call or show up at my house. I figure he is just happy I am out of the way and no longer nagging him about his drinking. I hate to feel like I am being negative but nothing else has woken him up and made him want to change so why would losing me?
Is there some point where I need to have a conversation with him? Ask if he has started some sort of recovery program? Or just assume he hasn't changed, is still drinking and keep ignoring the text messages? My feeling is if he was really worried about us or had changed he would call or show up at my house. I figure he is just happy I am out of the way and no longer nagging him about his drinking. I hate to feel like I am being negative but nothing else has woken him up and made him want to change so why would losing me?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
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What is it you want for yourself? From the relationship? What will you or won't you put up with? How strong are you to withstand the ups and downs of loving an alcoholic or one in recovery? You don't "need" to do anything other than really figure out what you want first. Then the rest will follow.
I'm not the kind of person that believes in 'if he meant this then he'd do that'. Not necessarily. Try not to find hidden meaning where there is none. Especially with an alcoholic. You can't control or dissect his actions or read into what he texts or doesn't say. It is an exercise in futility. It is about you taking control of your needs from the situation but you won't be able to do that unless you figure out what you want from the relationship.
I'm not the kind of person that believes in 'if he meant this then he'd do that'. Not necessarily. Try not to find hidden meaning where there is none. Especially with an alcoholic. You can't control or dissect his actions or read into what he texts or doesn't say. It is an exercise in futility. It is about you taking control of your needs from the situation but you won't be able to do that unless you figure out what you want from the relationship.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
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Hi starlynn,
Whether or not you have a conversation with your BF is up to you. What do you need to say or know?
If you want to know if the relationship is over, on a break or has a future look at his behavior. Listen to your feelings/instincts and consider what is working or not working.
From my experience, am I such a sucker.... when we were dating... he walked away from many times and I would insist on "closure" and a "discussion" and it would always result in our resuming the relationship we had. Having said that, the behavior never changed on his part, as I took a stand and allowed the distance he just drifted further away.
When almost a year ago I asked for a clean break to think things through... his reaction was to keep contacting me and it was on/it was off etc. I ignored all the contact.
Recently he initiated a D. Filed. But it seems that he filed incorrectly. When I contacted him to make corrections - he refused - told me to do it and then said he wouldn't cooperate. Can't win!
So, I know that he isn't changing, his choice, and I will have to do what I think is best for me and him. For me, I want more from a rel than waiting and arguing over stupid stuff, for him, I need to accept that he can't do any more. So be it.
Hope that helps. It feels awful sometimes, a relief at times, but if I wasn't legally bound, this wouldn't be an issue for me. I think you sound like someone who deserves much more from a relationship than a "fix it upper".
Care, but from a distance. Find someone who cares about you.
Whether or not you have a conversation with your BF is up to you. What do you need to say or know?
If you want to know if the relationship is over, on a break or has a future look at his behavior. Listen to your feelings/instincts and consider what is working or not working.
From my experience, am I such a sucker.... when we were dating... he walked away from many times and I would insist on "closure" and a "discussion" and it would always result in our resuming the relationship we had. Having said that, the behavior never changed on his part, as I took a stand and allowed the distance he just drifted further away.
When almost a year ago I asked for a clean break to think things through... his reaction was to keep contacting me and it was on/it was off etc. I ignored all the contact.
Recently he initiated a D. Filed. But it seems that he filed incorrectly. When I contacted him to make corrections - he refused - told me to do it and then said he wouldn't cooperate. Can't win!
So, I know that he isn't changing, his choice, and I will have to do what I think is best for me and him. For me, I want more from a rel than waiting and arguing over stupid stuff, for him, I need to accept that he can't do any more. So be it.
Hope that helps. It feels awful sometimes, a relief at times, but if I wasn't legally bound, this wouldn't be an issue for me. I think you sound like someone who deserves much more from a relationship than a "fix it upper".
Care, but from a distance. Find someone who cares about you.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
From my experience, am I such a sucker.... when we were dating... he walked away from many times and I would insist on "closure" and a "discussion" and it would always result in our resuming the relationship we had.
In the end, I really had to look at myself and figure out what it was I was looking for and was he going to fit into that. Such as I really wanted to take a vacation this year - but we didn't because he had to control everything and he couldn't afford one because all of his money went to booze. Or I really wanted to do more activities, but we couldn't because he was too drunk to do anything, spending time with his drunk friends took priority and once again there wasn't enough money because it all went to booze. Or I'd like to meet new friends or make add new friends to my life...but being with his drunk friends took priority and left not time for that. (not to mention he wasn't interested in anyone that wasn't his drunk friend.) You see where I'm going...this list could go forever.
It was really hard but I finally had to admit to myself that this life was going nowhere and that if I wanted to do those things, that I was going to have to move on and stay away.
Hopefully this winter I'll finally get to take that ski trip and learn to ski...even if it is not with a boyfriend. Today I'm taking my first golf lesson. And hopefully soon I'll be making those new friends.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p 
My impression of your post is that you seem to have spent the past week apart from your ABF preoccupied with what HE is doing, what HE is thinking, and how HE is feeling. He seems to have a lot of control over your thoughts even in his absence.
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I know everyone is going through so much in their lives, but I wish people (not just you, Starlynn; a lot of SR folks seem so touchy lately) would stop being so sensitive. I have neither done, said, or implied anything malicious or cruel. I am only trying to help. posted Rayn
REMEMBER: we take what we want and leave the rest....
REMEMBER: we take what we want and leave the rest....
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wow. i could have written the same post many years ago, star. in my case, it was all for naught. i always resumed the relationship, hoping that this time it would be different.
it wasn't. it only escalated until it became violent. i am a strong person, always have been. but this relationship brought me to my knees.
i felt like i was on my belly in the dust just sucking dust trying to get a breath of air. i was consumed with him. addicted to him and his chaos. he was very manipulative, as a's have to be to let their addiction live, and i let myself always go right back to him.
it ended when i took an overdose and was in intensive care for a week. my family didn't know if i would even have any usuable brain function if i recovered.
god had my back and i made it.
i wish you the best, star.
it wasn't. it only escalated until it became violent. i am a strong person, always have been. but this relationship brought me to my knees.
i felt like i was on my belly in the dust just sucking dust trying to get a breath of air. i was consumed with him. addicted to him and his chaos. he was very manipulative, as a's have to be to let their addiction live, and i let myself always go right back to him.
it ended when i took an overdose and was in intensive care for a week. my family didn't know if i would even have any usuable brain function if i recovered.
god had my back and i made it.
i wish you the best, star.
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p
I wasn't trying to offend you Starlynn, but most of your original post in this thread was about his possible thoughts and behaviors, not your own. Obviously, I'm not living inside your mind, listening to everything you're thinking.
I also think you read my response a bit too literally. I wasn't suggesting he is somehow ACTUALLY controlling your thoughts. I was speaking to the fact that a lot of codependents waste so much time thinking about and trying to fix someone else that we allow our thoughts to be controlled/preoccupied with the alcoholic. I know I was this way, and I thought maybe you could relate to that.
I'm glad to hear you were able to get a healthy break from your ex. Do you really think I was trying to take away from your accomplishment? I was just asking you how that made you feel and trying to encourage you to act on your own feelings rather than react to some arbitrary decision he makes.
I know everyone is going through so much in their lives, but I wish people (not just you, Starlynn; a lot of SR folks seem so touchy lately) would stop being so sensitive. I have neither done, said, or implied anything malicious or cruel. I am only trying to help.
I also think you read my response a bit too literally. I wasn't suggesting he is somehow ACTUALLY controlling your thoughts. I was speaking to the fact that a lot of codependents waste so much time thinking about and trying to fix someone else that we allow our thoughts to be controlled/preoccupied with the alcoholic. I know I was this way, and I thought maybe you could relate to that.
I'm glad to hear you were able to get a healthy break from your ex. Do you really think I was trying to take away from your accomplishment? I was just asking you how that made you feel and trying to encourage you to act on your own feelings rather than react to some arbitrary decision he makes.
I know everyone is going through so much in their lives, but I wish people (not just you, Starlynn; a lot of SR folks seem so touchy lately) would stop being so sensitive. I have neither done, said, or implied anything malicious or cruel. I am only trying to help.
I am sorry you feel people have been sensitive lately. I was not trying to imply you were taking away from my accomplishment and did not say you did anything wrong and certainly not malicious. I think it is often hard to explain exactly what we are thinking or feeling in writing. I appreciate everyone's help and support. Thanks for your input to my situation.
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p
Hey, Starlynn.
I think I've gotten myself into a bit of a pot calling the kettle black type of situation in your thread. Here I am calling other people sensitive when I was apparently being overly sensitive to your response to my post.
My apologies. I hope you will give us an update on your situation soon. Have you heard from him yet? What are you going to say if he does call?
I think I've gotten myself into a bit of a pot calling the kettle black type of situation in your thread. Here I am calling other people sensitive when I was apparently being overly sensitive to your response to my post.
My apologies. I hope you will give us an update on your situation soon. Have you heard from him yet? What are you going to say if he does call?
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Maybe Star if you told us what your ideas are for this relationship it would help with the feedback. Do you want to stay with him? Break up? Or maybe you posted this and I didn't catch it.
One thing I try not to do in any relationship is play games. Meaning, if I want to say something I say it. If I want to talk to him, I do it, I don't assume he can read my mind. It saves me lots of grief and guess work. But if you are 'no contact' then do what you need to do to feel better.
One thing I try not to do in any relationship is play games. Meaning, if I want to say something I say it. If I want to talk to him, I do it, I don't assume he can read my mind. It saves me lots of grief and guess work. But if you are 'no contact' then do what you need to do to feel better.
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Originally Posted by Starlynn
I hate to feel like I am being negative but nothing else has woken him up and made him want to change so why would losing me?
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I would assume he is not working a program.
It is always funny to me, that until my A decided to halp himself and take steps..(he is still in progress, of course) that my turning my energy to myself had one of two effects on him..
1) he would respond in a depserate chasing way. He would sense it, and get scared that I was detaching, and pull out all the stops to get me to stay in the dance with him...
OR
2) it was like Kryptonite for him. He could not bear the positive frequencies, LOL...and would stay far away, knowing that his dysfunction would be blaring next to me if I was on a particularly healthy tip.
It is always funny to me, that until my A decided to halp himself and take steps..(he is still in progress, of course) that my turning my energy to myself had one of two effects on him..
1) he would respond in a depserate chasing way. He would sense it, and get scared that I was detaching, and pull out all the stops to get me to stay in the dance with him...
OR
2) it was like Kryptonite for him. He could not bear the positive frequencies, LOL...and would stay far away, knowing that his dysfunction would be blaring next to me if I was on a particularly healthy tip.
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