HP give me strength
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
HP give me strength
as i am trying to heal and become whole again, i still feel this emptiness inside. the pull to her has lessened, but is still there. i have been reading and trying to understand some stuff about codependency. i am trying to understand why i am so attracted to her and why my stomach is still in knots, why i still beleive there is a good person in her. and the biggest question, why i hesitate to move forward alone. its like i want to move forward with someone, her. i know this is one of those personal journeys. quite frankly, i have been emotionally alone for so so long, it just cant take it. i have had walls up or encountered walls all my life.
i think i am afraid to let go, becasue i dont want to fall any further alone, even though i am alone. butholding on, makes it seem i am not.
she called last night to see if i could meet her to give her her i.d. i chose the time but was like 15-20 late, she wasnt there. dont know if she thought i stood her up or if she didnt show. i fought the urge to find her. she was supposed to need it today for some assistence programs. i guess it was not that important. but this is how bad i am:
i feel guilty that i was late. maybe she thinks i stood her up and is now mad at me. but she also said she had to go out, which means make a run. so, she probably got caught up in all that and stop caring about the stuff she needed to do, so maybe that points out that she isnt serious about things after all. i recognize i NEED to STOP focusing on her and get myself to a better place.
moving on without her feel like a part of me is being torn out, but htat is the way it has to be. ...give me the strength to do this.
i have this feeling that whatever relationship she is starting now will not last, and at some point- a week, 3 months- whenever, she is going to contact me
...give me the strength to have moved on
i am scared i will fall for it, that this time is will be different. now i realize i am projecting quite a bit so ....give me the strength to get through today.
i think i am afraid to let go, becasue i dont want to fall any further alone, even though i am alone. butholding on, makes it seem i am not.
she called last night to see if i could meet her to give her her i.d. i chose the time but was like 15-20 late, she wasnt there. dont know if she thought i stood her up or if she didnt show. i fought the urge to find her. she was supposed to need it today for some assistence programs. i guess it was not that important. but this is how bad i am:
i feel guilty that i was late. maybe she thinks i stood her up and is now mad at me. but she also said she had to go out, which means make a run. so, she probably got caught up in all that and stop caring about the stuff she needed to do, so maybe that points out that she isnt serious about things after all. i recognize i NEED to STOP focusing on her and get myself to a better place.
moving on without her feel like a part of me is being torn out, but htat is the way it has to be. ...give me the strength to do this.
i have this feeling that whatever relationship she is starting now will not last, and at some point- a week, 3 months- whenever, she is going to contact me
...give me the strength to have moved on
i am scared i will fall for it, that this time is will be different. now i realize i am projecting quite a bit so ....give me the strength to get through today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
First Steve why could you not mail the ID to her? I would suggest that you say I can mail it the next time she calls for it. I think that you are more important than meeting her to give her an ID.
Also you are not alone we are here to listen and will be
Also you are not alone we are here to listen and will be
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
Find a way to let go before you end up with a tragedy on your hands!!! It almost always ends badly no matter how much you try, you love and you help. They have to want it and work hard for it. I have come to see the end result of not listening to my gut instinct to run far a way from an person with issues like these. I thought I could help, I thought I was special enough to make someone want to change.......guess what I am not any more special than anyone else who has tried to do the same.Its impossible to compete with addictions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I had to learn the hard way!! Good luck to you Steve!! I hope you can find your self worth and strength and to learn to be ok alone before you have to learn the way I am now!! Its heartbreaking and I could have avoided this if I only would have listened to my self!!!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
oh yes Steve, the dangled rope is still there - don't ya hate it!! I do -
my ex would still call me silly things - like phone numbers???? I finally found the strength to say - you can probably find it in the phone book, i'm busy.
It was all about breaking his dependency on me for everything!! Which in all honesty wasn't completely his fault - At my lowest point, I needed HIM to be dependent on me for me to have any self-worth. Gratefully thru recovery, I developed self-esteem and a healthy outlook at myself and Broke out of that insanity - You will too - Just keep working on YOU!
Sounds simple but I know it aint easy - Try getting out of the house - doing something GOOD & HEALTHY FOR YOU -
when you are ready - possibly consider blocking her from calling your phone too - that might help with your healing too.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
my ex would still call me silly things - like phone numbers???? I finally found the strength to say - you can probably find it in the phone book, i'm busy.
It was all about breaking his dependency on me for everything!! Which in all honesty wasn't completely his fault - At my lowest point, I needed HIM to be dependent on me for me to have any self-worth. Gratefully thru recovery, I developed self-esteem and a healthy outlook at myself and Broke out of that insanity - You will too - Just keep working on YOU!
Sounds simple but I know it aint easy - Try getting out of the house - doing something GOOD & HEALTHY FOR YOU -
when you are ready - possibly consider blocking her from calling your phone too - that might help with your healing too.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i am realizing i am afraid of recovery because i do not know how to not have my old addictions to carry me through or being involved with her. i realize to that i somehow miss all the runs and frustrating stuff as much as the good stuff because even the bad stuff is a connection. i know a big part of me is ready to let go, but there is still this one part that wont. that part keeps her in me and keeps me from being alone. i am hoping that the strength will come.
and i question- do i cut her for good? i never do that. i never just cut people out, even her. i justify everything she does. i say she is not thinking right because of the drugs, that this isnt the real her and that i shouldnt take it personally or judge her by it. that once she is clean and in recovery i can meet the real her again. i'm not saying this is right, just the thoughts in my head. i do want to recover and be strong again. but it is frustrating how many things i associate with her. even the computer, because we'd spend hours listening to music together. there are so many triggers in my house and out and about, i cannot escape them and sometimes i get flooded with vivid memories that i feel i can reach out and touch. i cant let myself dwell. i need to trudge forward as hard as it may be.
and i question- do i cut her for good? i never do that. i never just cut people out, even her. i justify everything she does. i say she is not thinking right because of the drugs, that this isnt the real her and that i shouldnt take it personally or judge her by it. that once she is clean and in recovery i can meet the real her again. i'm not saying this is right, just the thoughts in my head. i do want to recover and be strong again. but it is frustrating how many things i associate with her. even the computer, because we'd spend hours listening to music together. there are so many triggers in my house and out and about, i cannot escape them and sometimes i get flooded with vivid memories that i feel i can reach out and touch. i cant let myself dwell. i need to trudge forward as hard as it may be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Steve))) - you're still wanting YOUR fix - her, IMO.
FWIW, I've found it way harder to "get" recovery from my codependence, than my addiction. I was as addicted to the drama of people in my life, as I was to the drugs.
The good news is, we can recover
She's as bad, for you, as the heroin is bad, for her. I pray that you can see that before she drags you down any more.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I've found it way harder to "get" recovery from my codependence, than my addiction. I was as addicted to the drama of people in my life, as I was to the drugs.
The good news is, we can recover
She's as bad, for you, as the heroin is bad, for her. I pray that you can see that before she drags you down any more.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Steve - if you want something different you have to be willing to do something different
You say there are constant reminders of her in YOUR house - then my friend may I suggest a few changes -
I know it may seem silly - but rearrange the furniture, move your computer, go out and buy a different set of sheets/bedding, RECLAIM YOUR Home
even if it is something silly like moving the microwave in the living room - that way everytime you go to use the microwave - you can use it as a reminder - I'm changing the way I think, I'm learning a different way to LIVE this beautiful life my HP has given me, I refuse to waste my life any longer ~
I know some of this stuff seems to be silly - but it's all about retraining ourselves to THINK, FEEL and ACT another way -
WHO CARES what any one else thinks - IT's about making YOU healthy,
My friend, everything in my world became PINK to help me find my courage, strength & wisdom and I don't care who thinks it's silly that all of my Facebook post, SR post, notes & letters; and emails say PINK HUGS, have a PINTASTIC day, Pinkthirty, etc
I know the "PINK" attitude was what got me healthy and out of an abusive life and SAVED my life ~
FIND your PINKNESS and LIVE Steve - please know that you deserve to LIVE!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
You say there are constant reminders of her in YOUR house - then my friend may I suggest a few changes -
I know it may seem silly - but rearrange the furniture, move your computer, go out and buy a different set of sheets/bedding, RECLAIM YOUR Home
even if it is something silly like moving the microwave in the living room - that way everytime you go to use the microwave - you can use it as a reminder - I'm changing the way I think, I'm learning a different way to LIVE this beautiful life my HP has given me, I refuse to waste my life any longer ~
I know some of this stuff seems to be silly - but it's all about retraining ourselves to THINK, FEEL and ACT another way -
WHO CARES what any one else thinks - IT's about making YOU healthy,
My friend, everything in my world became PINK to help me find my courage, strength & wisdom and I don't care who thinks it's silly that all of my Facebook post, SR post, notes & letters; and emails say PINK HUGS, have a PINTASTIC day, Pinkthirty, etc
I know the "PINK" attitude was what got me healthy and out of an abusive life and SAVED my life ~
FIND your PINKNESS and LIVE Steve - please know that you deserve to LIVE!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
Steve the ties are already cut. You can't have a one sided relationship, otherwise you have stalking. I pray you aren't a stalker because if I were a single woman that would be the LAST person on earth I would want hooked up with. I would want a strong man, a man that isn't obsessively needy, one that will be strong to my face. When i was faced with a romantic breakup I got outside myself. You are desperately trying to focus this on you, and the world has plenty in it to give to and to do and lots of people need help via volunteer work. If you give to others outside of you , you may find that peace, love.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
steve, instead of focusing on what you could have had with her, what you wish she could do and be together with her happy for ever lasting wishful life together.. why dont you focus on your blessings? be thankful here,
you could have married, you could have had children, you could have bought a home, you could be now losing 1/2 of everything you worked hard for in the state of nj to divorce someone even from addiction. nevermind the medical costs, living with addiction and the diseases you could get and the emotionally pain she could have put your through after devoting yourself to the marriage and attorney fees and possible loss of your home and all your belongings.
so pick yourself up, wipe yourself off and count your blessings, take a break for now and then look forward to finding someone who will appreciate you and not take you to the cleaners and use and abuse you.
oh and the new guy...why worry about that? she will use him too, good luck to him..better him than you.
you could have married, you could have had children, you could have bought a home, you could be now losing 1/2 of everything you worked hard for in the state of nj to divorce someone even from addiction. nevermind the medical costs, living with addiction and the diseases you could get and the emotionally pain she could have put your through after devoting yourself to the marriage and attorney fees and possible loss of your home and all your belongings.
so pick yourself up, wipe yourself off and count your blessings, take a break for now and then look forward to finding someone who will appreciate you and not take you to the cleaners and use and abuse you.
oh and the new guy...why worry about that? she will use him too, good luck to him..better him than you.
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Steve,
The same dreams she sold you when you two were together, she is now selling it to her new boyfriend. When she gets tired of this superfiscal relationship and his money runs out and uses and abuses her new Suger Daddy - she will Spit him out - just like she did to you. When she comes knocking on your door (as long she is in active addiction) because she knows she can do the same to you. (I know you are already fantasizing about this) but dont be fooled. She will use and abuses you AGAIN without a blink of an eye - if you let her.
When she was with you she was perpetrating a fraud. You gave her money a cot and three square meals and when your money ran out she had no more use for you. Sorry buddy reality sucks, but this is what un-recovered addicts do. Been there, done that.
One of the most ridiculous forms that obsession used to take for me, would involve me actually writing out the script of a conversation with a woman who was unavailable to me in some way. I would write pages and pages. I would say this, and then she would say that, and then I would say, etc., etc. This conversation would build to a the climax where I would say just the right words and suddenly she would understand. She would see the light and rush into my arms in overwhelming gratitude as she awakened to how good I was for her and how much I loved her. And then we would live happily ever after.
The trouble was Steve, she never had the same script I did.
You can't change people. They will never be what you want them to be. A bird can't be a fish and a fish can't be a moose. You have to accept people the way they are. Obsessing over "someone" is never really about that "someone." That "someone" is usually an excuse to avoid yourself. The more you obsess over that "someone" the less you have to directly deal with you. What a great defense mechanism! It works like a charm. But it's your inability to face your own life and the fact that you don't want to that keeps you obsessing. Stop obsessing and what are you left with? If you're anything like like I was - you are left with the shell of a person who needs to be rebuilt. Do it. Rebuild yourself. One of the greatest gifts of this world is that change from within is possible.
The object of the game is to never give up on yourself. You are all you've got. You need to start seeing your value and your worth if you are to move forward. And here's a little nugget of truth for anyone who might have low self-esteem (of which I was forever guilty). EVERYONE HAS WORTH. You are no different. Start believing it and move on.
TB
The same dreams she sold you when you two were together, she is now selling it to her new boyfriend. When she gets tired of this superfiscal relationship and his money runs out and uses and abuses her new Suger Daddy - she will Spit him out - just like she did to you. When she comes knocking on your door (as long she is in active addiction) because she knows she can do the same to you. (I know you are already fantasizing about this) but dont be fooled. She will use and abuses you AGAIN without a blink of an eye - if you let her.
When she was with you she was perpetrating a fraud. You gave her money a cot and three square meals and when your money ran out she had no more use for you. Sorry buddy reality sucks, but this is what un-recovered addicts do. Been there, done that.
One of the most ridiculous forms that obsession used to take for me, would involve me actually writing out the script of a conversation with a woman who was unavailable to me in some way. I would write pages and pages. I would say this, and then she would say that, and then I would say, etc., etc. This conversation would build to a the climax where I would say just the right words and suddenly she would understand. She would see the light and rush into my arms in overwhelming gratitude as she awakened to how good I was for her and how much I loved her. And then we would live happily ever after.
The trouble was Steve, she never had the same script I did.
You can't change people. They will never be what you want them to be. A bird can't be a fish and a fish can't be a moose. You have to accept people the way they are. Obsessing over "someone" is never really about that "someone." That "someone" is usually an excuse to avoid yourself. The more you obsess over that "someone" the less you have to directly deal with you. What a great defense mechanism! It works like a charm. But it's your inability to face your own life and the fact that you don't want to that keeps you obsessing. Stop obsessing and what are you left with? If you're anything like like I was - you are left with the shell of a person who needs to be rebuilt. Do it. Rebuild yourself. One of the greatest gifts of this world is that change from within is possible.
The object of the game is to never give up on yourself. You are all you've got. You need to start seeing your value and your worth if you are to move forward. And here's a little nugget of truth for anyone who might have low self-esteem (of which I was forever guilty). EVERYONE HAS WORTH. You are no different. Start believing it and move on.
TB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
movin on..
Steve, gotta be blunt here but you NEVER had her. You had a quasirelationship for a bit but it ended. Then what she saw was a softie she could still manipulate when her addiction ballooned out of control.
You are obsessed with the FANTASY. That 'should have, could have, would haves' but were NEVER going to be. The dynamic you describe between her and you was that of a manipulative person taking advantage of a guy who cared about her for her addiction. That isn't love.
And as Meditation said, women do not want to be in relationships with men who obsess or pine over them. It comes across as smothering and desperate. Time to let it go. But my fear is you are going to scheme and plot some way to have her 'need' you in the hopes of getting her back. Don't. Respect her choice to be in a new relationship (no matter how dysfunctional it will be, it is still her choice).
I told you the story about my bf's obsessed ex. She got so caught up in her fantasy of them that she really never knew him for who he was. She wanted him to be that fantasy and not the real him. It made him resent her and not want anything to do with her because she loved the fantasy and never really loved him for him. Her fantasy relationship was something so far removed from the reality of his situation. You are starting to head down that path.
Let her go and live her life. If you stay on this obsessive kick, you can say bye to even any friendship with her because she will start to resent it and avoid you most likely.
You are obsessed with the FANTASY. That 'should have, could have, would haves' but were NEVER going to be. The dynamic you describe between her and you was that of a manipulative person taking advantage of a guy who cared about her for her addiction. That isn't love.
And as Meditation said, women do not want to be in relationships with men who obsess or pine over them. It comes across as smothering and desperate. Time to let it go. But my fear is you are going to scheme and plot some way to have her 'need' you in the hopes of getting her back. Don't. Respect her choice to be in a new relationship (no matter how dysfunctional it will be, it is still her choice).
I told you the story about my bf's obsessed ex. She got so caught up in her fantasy of them that she really never knew him for who he was. She wanted him to be that fantasy and not the real him. It made him resent her and not want anything to do with her because she loved the fantasy and never really loved him for him. Her fantasy relationship was something so far removed from the reality of his situation. You are starting to head down that path.
Let her go and live her life. If you stay on this obsessive kick, you can say bye to even any friendship with her because she will start to resent it and avoid you most likely.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Someone here said once (sorry I've forgotten who) don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
Don't waste your life waiting around for something that will not ever happen. She has made that clear Steve. You are worth more than allowing yourself to be a tool for her to use.
Think of a new dream, Steve. One with you at the glorious shining center. What will that be?
Hugs, HG
Don't waste your life waiting around for something that will not ever happen. She has made that clear Steve. You are worth more than allowing yourself to be a tool for her to use.
Think of a new dream, Steve. One with you at the glorious shining center. What will that be?
Hugs, HG
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Steve, i know you love music. This is one of many songs I down loaded on to my YouTube play list. Like I said before, I once was you, I know how much love hurts.
ITS TIME TO MOVE ON......
TB
ITS TIME TO MOVE ON......
TB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by steve1840 
amy- i am seeing that. its a matter of doing something about it. taking the step to cut the ties
do you have other people to hang out with? can you try to put yourself out there, even if you dont want to at first? it is hard, to change , when you love a person who is not available to you.
i know it is hard. but you dont want to be feeling like this for years and years, I am sure. so, may as well let go now. she does not seem to want to change. the times you mentioned that she wanted to get help- she has not even begun, has she?
perhaps you just need to get all this grief out- it hurts to love someone who is not giving love back. you surely invested a lot of hope into a situation that was not good for YOU. There is more out there, steve.
you dont want to be alone . i know how that is. but no matter how much you hang on to this girl, it is not good for YOU. she was with other men- to get her drugs. is she so wonderful that you actually told yourself that it was ok if she slept with others, in order to still be around her? did she use you, and give you false hopes , in order to get money, or things, or a place to sleep, while waiting for a way to get her next fix?
i dont wish to make you feel badly, but I just hope that you are at least being honest with yourself, for that will help you to recover. i think that you know you are not alone, for there are lots of folks here who care .
just be sure to be honest with yourself. I see growth and change in you.
chicory
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Steve,
You are not absorbing anything that we write. Your mind is still in the same continous loop, over and over the same mindset, same fantasy that she will be the person you fabricate that she is, that she will return to you,and you will live happily together forever.
This is a pipe dream, she has moved on, she will only be back in touch with you when she wants something from you. She has made that clear.
Steve even if she was not an addict, she is a user, she has used you, and, now she has found someone else, accept it, it is over.
Mail her ID to her or paste it on your front door, if she wants it, she will get it. If she really wanted the ID she would have waited for you, she probably never showed up.
As I said before, make your past a guidepost, not a hitching post, learn from your bad choices, move forward.
Someone else had previously posted that you may want to consider inpatient mental help, have you considered this option?
You are not absorbing anything that we write. Your mind is still in the same continous loop, over and over the same mindset, same fantasy that she will be the person you fabricate that she is, that she will return to you,and you will live happily together forever.
This is a pipe dream, she has moved on, she will only be back in touch with you when she wants something from you. She has made that clear.
Steve even if she was not an addict, she is a user, she has used you, and, now she has found someone else, accept it, it is over.
Mail her ID to her or paste it on your front door, if she wants it, she will get it. If she really wanted the ID she would have waited for you, she probably never showed up.
As I said before, make your past a guidepost, not a hitching post, learn from your bad choices, move forward.
Someone else had previously posted that you may want to consider inpatient mental help, have you considered this option?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Exactly where my HP wants me to be
Posts: 136
Steve, this is coming from a place of concern. Your suffering is real, and everyone on this board knows your pain.
There is only one person whose opinion should matter to you. There is only one person whose thoughts, actions, and intentions are known to you. There is only one person that you can definitively control or change. There is only one.... Someday, you will love yourself enough to put your needs first. I hope that that day comes soon for you.
Be well.
There is only one person whose opinion should matter to you. There is only one person whose thoughts, actions, and intentions are known to you. There is only one person that you can definitively control or change. There is only one.... Someday, you will love yourself enough to put your needs first. I hope that that day comes soon for you.
Be well.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
There are no ties for you to cut...she has already done that. She has moved on to another guy. You have no choice in the matter. You can sit around a have a continuous pity party or you can accept the fact that she doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for her. It's no longer a matter of should you chase after her, she has already told you how she feels and is with someone else now. It's time to grow up.
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