onlyliveonce

I am having issues in my head about the way I feel and why I would even possibly feel this way now. I divorced my alcoholic/addict husband after 18 yrs.; next week it will be 1 year we have been divorced. He has been out of prison for about 2 months and is doing well, living at the Salvation Army, and seems to be on the right track. I pray for him every night that he stays away from the alcohol/drugs, cause that's really all I can do, pray. When I talk to him I can sense the person I married under there. I would not admit this to anyone but you guys but I still love him. I don't trust or respect him but I do love him. How crazy is that??? He still has many character flaws that he needs to address and he hasn't done that but does seem to realize what he's lost and how valuable it was to him now at this point in his life. I'm just wondering why I feel like this all of the sudden?? I've done nothing but sit with these feelings and think about it, no action on my part. We were together since we were teens and I can feel myself starting to rationalize his actions, and there should be no rationalizing at all. How can I still love him after all that??? But I do and right now it really sucks to feel like this!! I want to be an encouragement to him but at the same time stay in the right frame of mind. I cannot open my heart back up for nothing, after this marriage my heart was truly broken and don't know if I will ever want to get that deep again with anyone. Love hurts too much so I'd just assume lay low on that. Maybe it's just so close to being 1 yr. divorced or maybe I still love him but don't want to. I am sooooo..... confused, but don't worry you guys I won't be back tracking, no matter how I feel right now. Any thoughts or direction from anyone??

Freedom1990

It may very well be that you are coming up on one year divorced. I had a ton of mixed emotions on our wedding anniversary years after I divorced my EXAH. Sending you lots of hugs on the Kansas breezes!

Ann

When the "What if's" and "If Only's" start creeping into the board meeting of my mind, I find it helps to get out of myself for a while. Taking a walk, calling a friend for lunch, pampering myself for a day...anything that will take my mind somewhere else helps.

I'm not saying to stuff the feelings, by all means really "feel" your emotions right now, just don't hang out there too long.

Big hugs because this must be a difficult time for you

Kindeyes

You sound pretty self-aware to me. You know that you still have feelings but you also are not denying the reasons for the divorce. It sounds like your "alarm" is going off and you're listening. The anniversary of a divorce, the anniversary of a death......both very similar in a way......and I can see how both would make you pause for a moment to evaluate how you feel.

gentle hugs

onlyliveonce

I don't really know how I feel right at this moment. I have done much self evaluation and am very thankful for what that has done for me. I don't want to stuff feelings but would not dare ever tell anyone that I still love him. My family would think I have fell off the rocker Hopefully how I'm feeling now will pass soon and I will feel better. I know I love him but I also know I could never be with him again. I am not mad at him anymore, just wish he had made better choices and we would possibly still be together. But that's not reality. I feel like I wasn't meant to have the "happily ever after".