Sally

Anyone else out there feel a overwhelming sense of lonliness. My A is alway's at my throat,. He'll probably not call today, if he does it will be only because he forgot to tell me what a xxxxxx xxxxxxxx bleep I am. We go for day's weeks avoiding each other, not speaking I stay upstairs, he stay's down. We sleep separately most of the time.
These are his sober day's, when he's drunk he's a different guy, an easygoing nice guy, cause he's just relaxing having a couple drinks, trying to escape his worries......life. So he doesn't want any hassels then. Tells me how much he loves me, couldn't live without me, that he was only in a bad mood. Didn't mean anything he said, would take a bullet for me....I'am his best friend.
and then
when he's sober
It seems he's alway's punishing me. verbaly......he treats me as if he hates me. Despises me. spit's insults....hurtful words myway every chance he gets.
Everyday I get these revolting insulting messages from him and it's up to me how I let it affect me....sometimes the words paralize me.....sometimes I react by trying to prove him wrong. That Iam not the things he say's, But it's exhausting and incredibly defeating and lonely. He acts this way only when he's sober, And I guess everything hit's him, from our separation...of course he doesn't look at himself or any of his actions....or even why we separated in the first place. This is where the other women come in also , he will react by punishing me out of his own insecurities....he'll get me before I get him.
It's all about punishment, because the mere mention of a devorce,doesn't seem to play a part in his solution. I'd have to fight him on that also.

spedteach

Sally,
I could feel and hear the pain in your words...remember, you can not control him or how he acts, however, you CAN control your reaction...he is mentally abusing you and you do not deserve it!! If it were me, I would either not respond to his messages (if they are email ones), or email him back and say "if I get an email from you that states something negative about me I will just delete it without reading further. " If he calls you on the phone and starts belittling you, I'd let him know that you will not tolerate being treated that way and then hang the phone up....

Do something nice for YOU every day. Yes, I do feel the loneliness when my ah is off the wagon as well...when he goes out or is passed out on the couch, it hits me then. Or, if he's home using and I have to go somewhere with our son and see these other happy families, I feel very sad and lonely! You are definitely not alone in that feeling!

Keep coming back!
Sped teach

Bellyisfull

Wow! Guess he's a dry drunk, huh? I am so sorry you are going through this. You know I chose the 'handle' Bellyisfull because all of us have our limits, once we've had enough, we've had enough. I am dealing with this sort of thing as well and am taking the steps to take care of me. It is infuriating to my husband. He is losing control and must now escalate things, up the ante so to speak. If he can convince me that my issues with his drinking and drugging are MY fault, well then he's off the hook. No way - that joker is not going to tell me the sky is not blue. You have to stand your ground. When he is nasty, remove yourself from his sight completely. Just DO NOT subject yourself to his verbal abuse - him tearing you down is a coping mechanism - it's all part of the addict's litany. You don't have to buy into it. I know everyone says find a meeting and I intend to go to my first one this Thursday night. I cannot wait and even though the pain of my marriage potentially going to hell in a handbasket over addictions, I feel empowered and strong and so grateful that I KNOW I deserve better. You do too - all of us do. It's terribly sad that the A's and drug addicts don't believe their lives are worth more too but we are no one's personal Jesus. All of us struggle and the true nature of our character is in how we handle adversity.
I will pray for you that these lonely days and nights will bring about a greater peace and clarity for you.
Do not engage in the sickness with your husband - let him stew in his own misery, let him be alone with his guilt and his shame and his anger and maybe he will decide he's tired of feeling that way. You are not to blame for his choices.
Hang in there...

myles1

Hi,

Do you really need to be with your husband? Is divorce an option and is there anyway you could make it one. It would seem to mean having one last fight in divorce court would be better for your sanity than staying in your hell.

Ngaire

Daffodil

((((((Sally))))))
Please consider yourself hugged.

May you come to realize you are not a lone unless you chose to be.....
I have often wondered what makes us think we have to stay and watch the A's in our life drink and/or lie passed out somewhere...Why do we sit waiting for them to come home?

Sometimes, I have to ask MYSELF what do I want and where is my life going?...Working a 12 Step program like Al-Anon not only helps me get rid of the garbage from the past but it helps me find the balance just for today...

LONELY....that's where I used to be.

Depressed! I was there too....TODAY I have choices and if I can't see what they are I have a sponsor and a support group that loves me enough to give me clear direction...

May you find some peace just for today....
Love and prayers,