Accepting the unacceptable?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 47
Accepting the unacceptable?
my bf abuses alcohol and life has been chaotic. he used to drink every day but then managed to stop but has had 2 relapses. he is currently not drinking. he started smoking cannabis heavily saying this helps him stay off the alcohol. i was so relieved that he wasn't drinking and that my life was calm that i didn't think about him using canabis. now however, i am starting to feel anxious about it. now the chaos has gone his situation has become very clear. he takes everything to the extreme and it scares me. i go to al-anon which has really helped. i would rather he smoked canabis than drink. i cannot believe i am saying it as it sounds crazy! i guess i am starting to feel out of control and in denial about the situation. it took me a while to come to terms with accepting he had a problem with alcohol. and i am weary that i have to accept that he is an addict full stop. in my heart i don't want a relationship with him if he does drugs. but i am afraid that he will go back on the alcohol if he stops taking canabis. i was so happy that i was in a place of serenity but now i feel that i have just kidded myself to the reality of the situation. i know that i cannot change him but i have been holding my breath. i know that canabis is not as dangerous as alcohol but where will it end. i know i have to accept him for who he is an addict but it is a big shock to the system. If anyone has experienced anything similar please share your e, s & h. Thank you x
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Summer,
I can not say where his use will lead and I am one who use to disagree that marijuana was a gateway drug. My AH smoked marijuana when I met ihm so did I, I was 15 and he was 16. I stopped when I was 19 and found out I was having a baby he continued and used to an extreme.
To the best of my knowledge he smoked only untill last year now he is doing xanax and pain pills that I know of I suspect other things.
My AS his drug of choice is marijuana but if out he will do crack or anything he can get his hands on.
I guess I am saying in my experience an addict is an addict and when they have an addicting behavior anythings possible. I pray he can get away from the drinking and the marijuana.
Hugs,
I can not say where his use will lead and I am one who use to disagree that marijuana was a gateway drug. My AH smoked marijuana when I met ihm so did I, I was 15 and he was 16. I stopped when I was 19 and found out I was having a baby he continued and used to an extreme.
To the best of my knowledge he smoked only untill last year now he is doing xanax and pain pills that I know of I suspect other things.
My AS his drug of choice is marijuana but if out he will do crack or anything he can get his hands on.
I guess I am saying in my experience an addict is an addict and when they have an addicting behavior anythings possible. I pray he can get away from the drinking and the marijuana.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
My daughter's fiancee was a marijuana addict...they developed the same patterns as the alcoholic family dynamics.
She called it quits in order to have her sanity back.
I used to smoke pot.
I can't stand being around a drug/alcohol lifestyle anymore.
She called it quits in order to have her sanity back.
I used to smoke pot.
I can't stand being around a drug/alcohol lifestyle anymore.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 47
omg i am so starting to panic, i have definitely been in denial, it didn't cross my mind that he might be using other stuff too. which is stupid because he has admitted to using cocaine and escstacy a long time ago. i know if i ask him he will only deny it. defintely time for the serenty prayer!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
They call what he is doing"switching seats on the Titanic" trading one addiction for another..in most cases this lead to cross addiction or takes them right back to their DOC.If you are an alcoholic assict..no mood altering substances.Potheads will extole the virtues of pot..it's natural..yes so is heroin it comes from a poppy.healthwise alcohol probably does do damge more quickly, but you can be addicted to pot.It is one of several substances my daughter is addicted to (yes, it's medically a diagnosible addiction). Do you want to be with an active addict?..that is the question.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
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keepinon - thank you. that is the million dollar question. intellectually i don't want to be with an active addict but at moment do not emotionally feel that way. when he was drinking he was a train wreck and i could see the immediate consequences. at the moment there is calm and it is so difficult for me to comprehend. when you say he is an active addict i get it on some level but i don't think i've truly accepted it yet. but then there is fear that it is progressive so the calmness will probably end at some point. i feel that i have spent alot of time waiting for him to change so that our lives can move forward. i guess i am still waiting, even though i know this is futile. i need to do the steps on these thoughts for sure.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Acceptance doesn't mean I have to like it or live with it.
I accept that my 32 year old daughter is an active addict.
I don't like it however, and I no longer take a front row seat to her addictions.
I'm always sad to read that someone finds pot more acceptable than other drugs, or alcohol.
I don't want a partner who finds it necessary to chemically alter his state of mind, regardless of the substance used.
I left my EXAH many years ago. He too was a heavy pot smoker, among other things.
I accept that my 32 year old daughter is an active addict.
I don't like it however, and I no longer take a front row seat to her addictions.
I'm always sad to read that someone finds pot more acceptable than other drugs, or alcohol.
I don't want a partner who finds it necessary to chemically alter his state of mind, regardless of the substance used.
I left my EXAH many years ago. He too was a heavy pot smoker, among other things.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 47
i love what you said about not wanting front row seats. that's how i felt when my partner was drinking and am now starting to feel that about my partner in general. i think i had managed to separate my partner from the drinking but now i realise i cannot do that. i feel that i am back at square one. i have to accept that he is using a chemical to alter his mind which is not good. i suppose i haven't really thought how i feel about that. am starting to feel anxious about it as my bf is not in recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As an afterthought, I thought I would share that my 32 year old daughter already has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, usually found in much older people. That's from prolonged, heavy pot smoking.
She always has an inhaler with her.
She always has an inhaler with her.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I think the addicts are trying to liken marijuana to prescription pills. Could/does marijuana have medicinal purposes? Perhaps. But are we suppose to use prescription medications recreationally? Nope. That's called substance abuse.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this issue with your boyfriend, Summer. It is very difficult to love an active addict. Take care of you.
gentle hugs
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this issue with your boyfriend, Summer. It is very difficult to love an active addict. Take care of you.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
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kindeyes - my bf is definitely using cannabis for medicinal purposes in his eyes. he says he has tried 12 step groups but didn't like it. he has seen a counsellor in the past and didn't like that. he is religious and says he speaks to someone. however, i think that this is all rubbish. i do know that he will do what he wants to do and that i can't make any difference. it just baffles me how he can recognise that he has a problem but won't go to the ends of the earth to heal it. so frustrating. it's so strange to me to view him as an active addict, i just realised that i view him as someone who cannot cope with life. but they are not the same thing. i currently attend al-anon meetings. do you think it would be beneficial to go to naranon? or are there any other groups that would be more appropriate?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Summer
Any 12 step program is good as far as I am concerned. It provides a structure to examine ourselves and our lives and how we react to those around us. We can't fix our beloved addicts (or anyone else for that matter).....we just can't (and believe me.....I have tried for so very long to fix my son's addiction). If our love could change them, none of us would be here.
Our best option is to help ourselves. Live by example.....and they can either follow our lead or not. It's their choice. Not ours. It sounds like you are making good choices for yourself. Alanon or Naranon.....it's whichever YOU feel is right for you.....both are excellent choices.
gentle hugs
Any 12 step program is good as far as I am concerned. It provides a structure to examine ourselves and our lives and how we react to those around us. We can't fix our beloved addicts (or anyone else for that matter).....we just can't (and believe me.....I have tried for so very long to fix my son's addiction). If our love could change them, none of us would be here.
Our best option is to help ourselves. Live by example.....and they can either follow our lead or not. It's their choice. Not ours. It sounds like you are making good choices for yourself. Alanon or Naranon.....it's whichever YOU feel is right for you.....both are excellent choices.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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kindeyes - thank you for your encouragement. when i attend al-anon ii feels wrong to talk about my bf using drugs as the others are talking about alcohol. is it cool to talk about other substances in al-anon?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Originally Posted by summer09 
kindeyes - thank you for your encouragement. when i attend al-anon ii feels wrong to talk about my bf using drugs as the others are talking about alcohol. is it cool to talk about other substances in al-anon?
Since your boyfriend's initial issue was with alcohol, I think it would be ok to discuss the change in his DOC. You may find that others in the group are dealing with something very similar. And there are many areas that don't have Naranon groups so people with loved ones with other substance abuse issues have no choice but to use Alanon as their source for guidance and 12 step structure.
If you have the choice of attending a Naranon group, you could certainly do so and see where you feel most comfortable.
gentle hugs
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