SO confused!! first time in life I'm STUCK!
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Walterboro, SC
Posts: 2
SO confused!! first time in life I'm STUCK!
I'm 23 years old, and I met my (ex)boyfriend about 2 1/2 years ago. I moved to this little country town down a dirt road with my family and he happened to be our neighbor. Learning alot about him I found he grew up around drugs and was introduced to them early in age. When I met him he only smoked weed. I would tell him it bothered me and he had been making progress in quitting and even wanted to go back to school. The days where I did see he had smoked i never got angry, it never seemed as bad as it does now.
About 4 months ago he told me he had gotten an apartment in the city because it was closer to his work, and he wanted me to move in with him. So I did and it went great at first but then down hill quickly. The neighborhood we were in, everyone did some kind of drug or drank. He started getting to know the people around there and came back into contact with people he grew up with and then It started to feel like it was me against the world and I felt he started hating me for being on him all the time about his drug use(still only weed). He would sneak away and if i caught him on a bad day or when he was stressed from work he'd get very angry just so he could stomp out to go to some guys house then come back to act like everything was okay. He said he was tired of me and couldnt stand anyone telling him what he could or couldnt do and that he doesnt want to come home from working all day to hear me complain. I only got frustraited because i saw him destroying himself and I knew he could be so much better, He HAD been so much better. We only had these "bad days" every other week or so, but I had to leave to go to my Aunts funeral, she was 40 years old with 3 young children and she had over-dosed on pain pills, I miss her dearly. I came back after a week with my family and he seemed like a whole different person. Apparently he had found a group of people and had been going over there every night and drinking and doing drugs...and the day after my aunts funeral i came back and he was walking out with some person saying he was tired of me, seeing him that day, it didnt look like him, it didnt feel like it was him inside....i was shocked how he went off partien while i was with my family mourning. I know by now it seems obvious of what i should do, just move on, but the time we were back in the country it was amazing, it felt like he was put on this earth, for me...i was only waiting for him to ask me to marry him. We had so much in common, he was my best friend. we could talk about everything, we laughed together, cried together, he was apart of my family holidays, parties, everything, he was the one... then we moved there and it was like he turned into a whole different person. When i met him i knew he wasn't to confident in himself, he never thought much of himself, and he would always tell me, and i knew by seeing those he grew up around, that i've been the only one to really care about him and his well-being. About 3 weeks ago I just couldnt take it anymore, it was taking its toll on me and he told me to leave once again and I just packed EVERYTHING up in that apartment that night and moved back to the country, now im finding out from other people he is a complete wreck, hes way behind in rent, he gets paid and hes broke the next morning, hes giving this girl most of his money for her to stay with him so he's not lonely, hes now on pills pretty much every night, and started doing cocaine... i feel like the real him died since i left him and now im stuck thinking so many things, if i'd of stayed he maybe wouldnt of fell so hard, but i probably would of ended up falling myself. I still feel in my heart he is the one i'm supposed to end up with. I dont know what to do, i just talked to him for the first time today and he told me he didnt want me to leave, if i would of stayed he'd of been straight, and that he worries about himself. All i could say is that you wanted me to move out and i did before you started hating me. I really feel like he's died, and i want to help him so bad, but everyone is telling me to just let time do its thing. I couldn't bare the news to hear one day that hes seriously hurt himself. I don't know how I should approach this, or even if i should? Ive been doing alright, trying to stay busy and seeing the other wonderful things i do have in my own life. I never talked to him or anything until today and its been since the 6th of this month. Now he really has nobody who cares about him and I just want my best friend back, even if i am wrong and we never get back together I cant stand to know he's doing this to himself every day. Ive never done drugs ever i just dont understand what goes on in someones mind like that. Sorry its so long, its just the nights are getting harder for me to stay strong when he's been the only one i'd ever want to go to when i feel so sad. its getting harder to convience myself its all a dream just so i can sleep at night.
About 4 months ago he told me he had gotten an apartment in the city because it was closer to his work, and he wanted me to move in with him. So I did and it went great at first but then down hill quickly. The neighborhood we were in, everyone did some kind of drug or drank. He started getting to know the people around there and came back into contact with people he grew up with and then It started to feel like it was me against the world and I felt he started hating me for being on him all the time about his drug use(still only weed). He would sneak away and if i caught him on a bad day or when he was stressed from work he'd get very angry just so he could stomp out to go to some guys house then come back to act like everything was okay. He said he was tired of me and couldnt stand anyone telling him what he could or couldnt do and that he doesnt want to come home from working all day to hear me complain. I only got frustraited because i saw him destroying himself and I knew he could be so much better, He HAD been so much better. We only had these "bad days" every other week or so, but I had to leave to go to my Aunts funeral, she was 40 years old with 3 young children and she had over-dosed on pain pills, I miss her dearly. I came back after a week with my family and he seemed like a whole different person. Apparently he had found a group of people and had been going over there every night and drinking and doing drugs...and the day after my aunts funeral i came back and he was walking out with some person saying he was tired of me, seeing him that day, it didnt look like him, it didnt feel like it was him inside....i was shocked how he went off partien while i was with my family mourning. I know by now it seems obvious of what i should do, just move on, but the time we were back in the country it was amazing, it felt like he was put on this earth, for me...i was only waiting for him to ask me to marry him. We had so much in common, he was my best friend. we could talk about everything, we laughed together, cried together, he was apart of my family holidays, parties, everything, he was the one... then we moved there and it was like he turned into a whole different person. When i met him i knew he wasn't to confident in himself, he never thought much of himself, and he would always tell me, and i knew by seeing those he grew up around, that i've been the only one to really care about him and his well-being. About 3 weeks ago I just couldnt take it anymore, it was taking its toll on me and he told me to leave once again and I just packed EVERYTHING up in that apartment that night and moved back to the country, now im finding out from other people he is a complete wreck, hes way behind in rent, he gets paid and hes broke the next morning, hes giving this girl most of his money for her to stay with him so he's not lonely, hes now on pills pretty much every night, and started doing cocaine... i feel like the real him died since i left him and now im stuck thinking so many things, if i'd of stayed he maybe wouldnt of fell so hard, but i probably would of ended up falling myself. I still feel in my heart he is the one i'm supposed to end up with. I dont know what to do, i just talked to him for the first time today and he told me he didnt want me to leave, if i would of stayed he'd of been straight, and that he worries about himself. All i could say is that you wanted me to move out and i did before you started hating me. I really feel like he's died, and i want to help him so bad, but everyone is telling me to just let time do its thing. I couldn't bare the news to hear one day that hes seriously hurt himself. I don't know how I should approach this, or even if i should? Ive been doing alright, trying to stay busy and seeing the other wonderful things i do have in my own life. I never talked to him or anything until today and its been since the 6th of this month. Now he really has nobody who cares about him and I just want my best friend back, even if i am wrong and we never get back together I cant stand to know he's doing this to himself every day. Ive never done drugs ever i just dont understand what goes on in someones mind like that. Sorry its so long, its just the nights are getting harder for me to stay strong when he's been the only one i'd ever want to go to when i feel so sad. its getting harder to convience myself its all a dream just so i can sleep at night.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Kricket
Welcome to SR......but as always, I am sorry for the situation that brings you here.
You are so young and you have a bright and beautiful life in front of you. I know that it hurts right now to see someone you love on a path of self destruction. But unfortunately, we can't stop addiction......we can't cure the addict.....and usually we end up just as sick as they are without even touching drugs.
There are a lot of young people here on SR who have dealt with what you are going through and they will be along soon to tell you their stories and give you hope. You seem like such a bright and lovely young woman and you deserve a life partner who understands and appreciates those qualities that make you special.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR......but as always, I am sorry for the situation that brings you here.
You are so young and you have a bright and beautiful life in front of you. I know that it hurts right now to see someone you love on a path of self destruction. But unfortunately, we can't stop addiction......we can't cure the addict.....and usually we end up just as sick as they are without even touching drugs.
There are a lot of young people here on SR who have dealt with what you are going through and they will be along soon to tell you their stories and give you hope. You seem like such a bright and lovely young woman and you deserve a life partner who understands and appreciates those qualities that make you special.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
Kricket-
i am sorry you are experiencing this. At 43, this is my life too and it is the hardest thing i have had to deal with. What kindeyes said is absolutly true:
we can't stop addiction......we can't cure the addict.....and usually we end up just as sick as they are without even touching drugs.
it does feel like they died or something. we want the person back we fell in love with and it tears us up inside thinking about what they are doing and what is going on with them. you are in no way the cause of what he does. if you stayed, he would most likely not have changed. he is feeling the loss of you and that makes him say things like that. he went toward this path while you were together.
i am not the best at taking my own advice. i have been struggling with this for some time now with my gf or xgf or friend, whatever she is to me now. i love her. no doubt. i love her with every ounce of love inside me. it kills me to know half of what she is doing and it kills me that she has disappeared without checking in at all. i have been posting for a while and people have pointed out some stuff that basicaly asks- is this what you want from a relationship?
wouldn't you want to have returned home to someone who was there for you and not partying? what you had in the country sounds wonderful, but that is past now. no one can predict the outcome. hopefully because he is young and maybe upset about losing you, he will decide to change his life. there is also the aweful possibility that he has a long hard road ahead. all you can do is live your life now and realize that you did nothing wrong.
try looking at it this way- you said all that was left was for him to marry you. you can be thankful that you were not married with kids when this happened. you are young and have long life ahead of you where you can be happy. there is little happiness being with someone in active addiction. there is only the security of being "with" that person that comes out of insecurity of losing them.
losing someone to drugs has been the hardest thing for me. there are no real answers but an endless amount of questions and fears. i feel that my gf has no one out there who really cares about her. she is homeless and selling herself. i want so badly to pick her up, lay her down and have her heal. i tried that and months later she is out doing the same thing. they have to want to quit. i want her back the way she was more than anything. i miss my friend and lover. i am a bit of an oddball myself and she and i seemed a great match for a while. i got dragged down as far as she went. i'd let her take me further and further for months. but now she is gone and i am stuck picking up the pieces. i have a choice. fix my life for real and live it or stay stagnant and wallow in the muck. it seems like an easy choice. and maybe the choice is easy, but the work is hard.
i say all of this because you havea chance to help yourself, before you get dragged down too deep like i did.
i am sorry you are experiencing this. At 43, this is my life too and it is the hardest thing i have had to deal with. What kindeyes said is absolutly true:
we can't stop addiction......we can't cure the addict.....and usually we end up just as sick as they are without even touching drugs.
it does feel like they died or something. we want the person back we fell in love with and it tears us up inside thinking about what they are doing and what is going on with them. you are in no way the cause of what he does. if you stayed, he would most likely not have changed. he is feeling the loss of you and that makes him say things like that. he went toward this path while you were together.
i am not the best at taking my own advice. i have been struggling with this for some time now with my gf or xgf or friend, whatever she is to me now. i love her. no doubt. i love her with every ounce of love inside me. it kills me to know half of what she is doing and it kills me that she has disappeared without checking in at all. i have been posting for a while and people have pointed out some stuff that basicaly asks- is this what you want from a relationship?
wouldn't you want to have returned home to someone who was there for you and not partying? what you had in the country sounds wonderful, but that is past now. no one can predict the outcome. hopefully because he is young and maybe upset about losing you, he will decide to change his life. there is also the aweful possibility that he has a long hard road ahead. all you can do is live your life now and realize that you did nothing wrong.
try looking at it this way- you said all that was left was for him to marry you. you can be thankful that you were not married with kids when this happened. you are young and have long life ahead of you where you can be happy. there is little happiness being with someone in active addiction. there is only the security of being "with" that person that comes out of insecurity of losing them.
losing someone to drugs has been the hardest thing for me. there are no real answers but an endless amount of questions and fears. i feel that my gf has no one out there who really cares about her. she is homeless and selling herself. i want so badly to pick her up, lay her down and have her heal. i tried that and months later she is out doing the same thing. they have to want to quit. i want her back the way she was more than anything. i miss my friend and lover. i am a bit of an oddball myself and she and i seemed a great match for a while. i got dragged down as far as she went. i'd let her take me further and further for months. but now she is gone and i am stuck picking up the pieces. i have a choice. fix my life for real and live it or stay stagnant and wallow in the muck. it seems like an easy choice. and maybe the choice is easy, but the work is hard.
i say all of this because you havea chance to help yourself, before you get dragged down too deep like i did.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
There are countless resources out there better qualified to help an addict than you are...NA, rehab, counseling, etc.
I think as you read through some of the stories here, you will often see the theme that the addict was our 'soul mate', our one and only, the one we were meant to be with.
I felt the same way about my EXAH for a long time.
The thing is, addiction is progressive, it only gets worse if left untreated.
I left my EXAH for my own safety and sanity.
That man is dead now, he was buried at the age of 47.
His death had nothing to do with me leaving, and everything to do with his active addictions.
He went through rehab before I did, and chose to return to addiction.
I'd like to suggest a couple of books, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.
I think as you read through some of the stories here, you will often see the theme that the addict was our 'soul mate', our one and only, the one we were meant to be with.
I felt the same way about my EXAH for a long time.
The thing is, addiction is progressive, it only gets worse if left untreated.
I left my EXAH for my own safety and sanity.
That man is dead now, he was buried at the age of 47.
His death had nothing to do with me leaving, and everything to do with his active addictions.
He went through rehab before I did, and chose to return to addiction.
I'd like to suggest a couple of books, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Walterboro, SC
Posts: 2
thanks everyone! it makes me feel so much better knowing and hearing that what i am feeling isnt crazy and to know im not alone. I really dont have anyone to talk to now that my aunt has passed.
I do want the person he was before and its so hard seeing who he is now, and I'm so glad i found this site, because I'm doing pretty good during the day, with keeping my mind busy...but at night I start to think about how it used to be and how he's hurting himself now and it makes me want to run right back to him to try and save him. That's when I'll come onto this site and READ! I guess i've been the kind of person who is happy when I'm helping others and I guess I forget sometimes to make myself happy too. I just pray everyday that maybe one day he'll want to help himself to be better.
This has been the hardest year of my entire life, I lost my grandmother to breast Cancer in late March, and my Aunt passed away from a drug over-dose just this month on the 2nd, she was the only person i've ever had to talk to about my problems. and that following Thursday I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years...I think it's selfesh when people use drugs, Its like, here I am losing 3 people I've loved so much and were/are so dear to me and I don't have any escape to run to...I have to deal with it and get over it and I have to be strong because that's life, if you cant deal with things now then you have no chance at it later on I think. My ex seems like when he has a bad day at work he has to go smoke something to feel better....It makes no sense...just makes no sense at all. I hate him and Love him at the same time. thanks you guys
I do want the person he was before and its so hard seeing who he is now, and I'm so glad i found this site, because I'm doing pretty good during the day, with keeping my mind busy...but at night I start to think about how it used to be and how he's hurting himself now and it makes me want to run right back to him to try and save him. That's when I'll come onto this site and READ! I guess i've been the kind of person who is happy when I'm helping others and I guess I forget sometimes to make myself happy too. I just pray everyday that maybe one day he'll want to help himself to be better.
This has been the hardest year of my entire life, I lost my grandmother to breast Cancer in late March, and my Aunt passed away from a drug over-dose just this month on the 2nd, she was the only person i've ever had to talk to about my problems. and that following Thursday I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years...I think it's selfesh when people use drugs, Its like, here I am losing 3 people I've loved so much and were/are so dear to me and I don't have any escape to run to...I have to deal with it and get over it and I have to be strong because that's life, if you cant deal with things now then you have no chance at it later on I think. My ex seems like when he has a bad day at work he has to go smoke something to feel better....It makes no sense...just makes no sense at all. I hate him and Love him at the same time. thanks you guys
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Kricket0912 
..... if i'd of stayed he maybe wouldnt of fell so hard, but i probably would of ended up falling myself.
You are not that powerful. None of us are.
I still feel in my heart he is the one i'm supposed to end up with.
That's emotion, not a fact.
I dont know what to do, i just talked to him for the first time today and he told me he didnt want me to leave, if i would of stayed he'd of been straight, and that he worries about himself.
This is a BS flag. He's not taking responsibility for himself and attempting to manipulate you. He's doing what addicts do.
I couldn't bare the news to hear one day that hes seriously hurt himself. I don't know how I should approach this, or even if i should?
Addiction is progressive. He's doing this to himself. He's not going to stop until he is ready and not a moment sooner.
Now he really has nobody who cares about him and I just want my best friend back, even if i am wrong and we never get back together I cant stand to know he's doing this to himself every day.
Have you considered the possibility you never really knew him as well as you thought you did? You can't get inside him and fill the void he's currently filling with drugs. Only he can do this, when and if he is ready to change his life.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It is so very difficult when we are facing lifes challenges stone cold sober while the ones we love are medicating their way through it. You are such a strong young woman. You should be very proud of yourself.
gentle hugs
gentle hugs
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